HELP PLEASE

[Jlm12286]

Hi everyone! This is my first post. I’m having a really heartbreaking issue. I’m going to start from the top.

Last year my husband and I had a whirlwind romance, fell in love, and got married VERY quickly. We had both agreed that neither of us wanted kids. We were both happy and content with this decision. My husband comes from an abusive father who he thought was his biological father until he was 12 years old. After his mom left his step dad she devoted everything she had to my husband. Never had another relationship. My husband told me point blank when we talked about how he didn’t want kids that he could not be a husband AND a father. He wanted his wife to be the most important person in the world to him and devote everything to her and if a child was in the picture she couldn’t be that person.

A few months after we married I got pregnant. The first couple weeks I had decided to have an abortion but I woke up the third week and decided I couldn’t do it. It was very easy for me to say that I didn’t want children hypothetically. I meant it. I was fine with it. But once I was faced with an actual life inside of me I couldn’t bring myself to say I didn’t want THIS baby. So here I am almost 37 weeks pregnant.

We’ve had a few big blowouts about it. Are troubles are also financial so that is also very stressful.

My husband says he told me who he was and he told me he could not be both a husband and a father. He says I made my choice and I did not choose us so now he can’t either. He acts as if there is NO fixing it. I personally that once he feels the love of this child and that our lives are not ruined it could change his mind. I love him very much. I really feel a need to help him. I don’t even know where to start to fix this. Any advice would help! Thank you!

Blimey OP you have to get out before this baby is born.
Your husband has a drink problem. He blames you for the situation. He's told you he will no longer be "a husband". Things are bad already. Now put a newborn baby in the mix - you'll be tired, you'll want help, he'll refuse because it's all your fault anyway, he'll get drunk, you'll row - it'll be hell.
If you leave, you can look after your baby yourself, without any expectations on your part, or resentment from him. And if your relationship has any value, you will gradually over time get back together.

He's already not a good father. He's tainting a time where you should be focusing on becoming a mum and making it about him. He's punishing you for having a child and yet is saying he's going to be the best father ever? He's already making everything about him and how he feels and your baby isn't even here! It is controlling.

Like minty said - he will be holding this(his) baby over you as a stick to beat you with.

Baby cries? -it's yours, you decided to have 'it' and you have to deal with it.
Baby isn't crying - I am such a wonderful dad! Behold me playing with my own offspring!

You need any recovery time, or time to yourself, or want him to do any tiny thing like change a nappy or take baby for a walk, or pay for a new Babygro - then it's your responsibilty. Your baby, you wanted it, you deal.

He can have his life proceed as normal. Because he doesn't have 'enough' love for two.

You really need to get out now. Life is easier (relatively; life with a newborn is never 'easy') without this deadweight who will bring nothing but extra work and frustration.

I'd tell him that he should try it first at least, but it would be my choice not to stay with someone who didn't support me having a baby.
He's not being a good husband OR father if he keeps to his position.
Men can be good fathers away from the mothers, but he is rejecting the child and making you choose between him and the child, so, no, not a good father.
An arsehole.

He is behaving like a child. Give him some choices of reasonable solutions and see how he is with baby. Don't take total responsibility for situation, if he can't step up you have some hard decisions.
Understand he is scared but not an excuse to behave like an idiot, you are in this together
Good luck, be strong, don't take any shit

Alcohol and babies really don't mix well and you need someone with you who will love and support you to bring up your child
Sadly he is not that person
He needs to leave and you need to concentrate on you and the baby.
In time things might change but I wouldn't be holding my breath

OP, I'm going to try to say this gently, but not sure how this will come across on screen.

Can you (and your DH) not see that he is abusing you?

He can't be husband and father so he'll only be father (makes no sense)

He's still living with you, despite him saying he can't be your husband (emotional abuse)

It's apparently your fault that this has happened, he's the victim. You made the choice to keep the baby so you've broken the relationship (emotional abuse)

He gets drunk and lashes out verbally, again pointing out how you've ruined things and you've broken the relationship (emotional abuse)

You are living with an emotionally abusive man who has no insight into how the choices he made in this scenario have influenced the outcome.

This man either won't or can't consider that he is also to blame for the situation you're in.

This man is making your life hell for what he sees as you choosing a child over him.

His history gives some background, but his actions do not show someone who is prepared to not be abusive.

You have no idea what he'll be like when this baby arrives. If he's jealous now that you chose the baby over your relationship, what's he going to be like when all of your time and energy is sucked into caring for the needs of a newborn?

Having a newborn around rocks even the most stable relationships, how are you and him going to manage that?

He already resents this baby, chances are that's unlikely to change.

Don't hang around and wait for him to change, he's making it abundantly clear during this pregnancy that he has no capacity to change.

My advice: speak to women's aid and gain some support.

Also consider one of you moving out. You need to focus on your baby, not walking on eggshells worrying about what he will do or say next.

Don't allow history to repeat, you don't want this child growing up in an abusive home. Be the protective factor for this baby.

I think that you believe that it is all your "fault", you agree with his faulty logic. But think of it this way, imagine that I am really shy and I am genuinely shy. My husband starts saying "i wish you could be more outgoing", then he starts having a go at me in public and after we have been at a social event he says "you are so embarrassing, you are such a moron, can't you be like everyone else?". It escalates to him being more and more verbally and emotionally abusive. He's coming on to women everytime we go out "I can't help it, I have to talk to someone, you are so dull". And, I know that he has a point, I am definitely shy. We know that he is unhappy about your pregnancy (or we think we know, it may actually have given him the best stick ever to hit you with), but his response to you hasn't been respectful or loving or caring. He is doing the equivalent of my husband, demeaning me because I am shy. He has been unkind, unsupportive, emotionally withdrawn, guilt inducing etc. and your inner voice is saying "He is right, I said that I didn't want children". That's not what counts. What counts is that when you had a genuine change of heart, he hasn't tried to solve it together, in a way that helps both of you to be happy. He hasn't shown you love or compassion. He hasn't said "I love you so much that we will find a way". Imagine, if you were in his shoes and it were possible for him to be you, pregnant with a change of heart baby, what would your kind heart do to help him? it would be far more than he is doing for you. Imagine holding your baby in your arms, you look down at your daughter, would you want her to be treated like this when she has her first-born? You look down at your son, do you want him to grow up to treat his wife like this?
This is a special time for you Jim, a time where you would feel vulnerable anyway. Someone should be putting their arm around you and treating you as a delicate, special person at this delicate, special time in your life. While what we are saying seems harsh and shocking, I for one am trying to put my arm around you and say "you go, girl". I think that you are strong and true and I admire you.

God - he sounds absolutely awful to be honest op.
He is going to withdraw his love from you now and punish you for the rest of your relationship ... do you really want to live like this??

I'd think seriously about leaving if I were you.

If he is going from 'best' husband to 'best' dad then you might want to get out now as his 'best' sounds a bit crap. 'Best' does not accuse, punish, and tantrum just because they are disappointed. Your child needs a better love that that. They will invariably screw up and disappoint at times as they grow up, will he have their back because he claimed to have yours when he married you and he doesn't.
He might be scared, that's fine, my husband 14 years ago told me that he didn't know anything about babies and he didn't think he would be able to look after one, he did promise to look after me though and he has. He has also turned out to be a fabulous hands on dad.

Oh you poor thing. I do think you need to withdraw from him and just focus on you and the baby. That's what matters now, not his issues.
You sound like a lovely person who will be a great mum. You don't need his shit in your life right now.

And just to reassure you that life as a single parent is really not that bad I promise. I was badly let down by my daughter's father when she was a baby but in a way it was a blessing as I later met a new DP who is an amazing stepdad and extremely supportive of me and my daughter.

Some of the posters on here are nuts.
OP, don't take any blame for this, HE didn't want kids, HE knows what condoms are, HE could have stopped this from happening. Focus on yourself and your baby, ignore the bellend.