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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP PLEASE

112 replies

Jlm12286 · 14/12/2017 14:48

Hi everyone! This is my first post. I’m having a really heartbreaking issue. I’m going to start from the top.

Last year my husband and I had a whirlwind romance, fell in love, and got married VERY quickly. We had both agreed that neither of us wanted kids. We were both happy and content with this decision. My husband comes from an abusive father who he thought was his biological father until he was 12 years old. After his mom left his step dad she devoted everything she had to my husband. Never had another relationship. My husband told me point blank when we talked about how he didn’t want kids that he could not be a husband AND a father. He wanted his wife to be the most important person in the world to him and devote everything to her and if a child was in the picture she couldn’t be that person.

A few months after we married I got pregnant. The first couple weeks I had decided to have an abortion but I woke up the third week and decided I couldn’t do it. It was very easy for me to say that I didn’t want children hypothetically. I meant it. I was fine with it. But once I was faced with an actual life inside of me I couldn’t bring myself to say I didn’t want THIS baby. So here I am almost 37 weeks pregnant.

We’ve had a few big blowouts about it. Are troubles are also financial so that is also very stressful.

My husband says he told me who he was and he told me he could not be both a husband and a father. He says I made my choice and I did not choose us so now he can’t either. He acts as if there is NO fixing it. I personally that once he feels the love of this child and that our lives are not ruined it could change his mind. I love him very much. I really feel a need to help him. I don’t even know where to start to fix this. Any advice would help! Thank you!

OP posts:
EllaNB · 14/12/2017 17:24

Be careful OP, I have twin babies, and I just couldn’t imagine my husband saying that he couldn’t be there for me and the babies. That isn’t normal. The three of you are a family surely.

My pregnancy was unplanned, I wanted to wait a couple more years before we had children but these things happen and I couldn’t imagine my life with out my littles boys already, neither can my husband.

Your husband may change when the baby arrives and I hope that is the case but he may not. It sounds as if he is being a tad emotionally abusive and this could get worse when the baby arrives. Make sure you have support from wider family when the baby arrives, and ask him to leave if he doesn’t step up! Certainly do not take the blame

Mustang27 · 14/12/2017 18:07

I think he is incredibly selfish to put this all on you. At no point has this ever just been your fault, two to tango and all that. He can if he wants too regardless of the abuse that he has suffered be a great father and a great husband. He can be neither if he seeks solace in booze he needs to get help for that regardless of wether he wants to just focus all his energy on one of you.

Tbh since having my wee boy I'd much rather my partner poured all his energy into our child than me if it was a choice and you may feel the same and not mourn the loss of the husband you thought you had.

The "oh iv had enough counselling to know it won't help" is also a complete cop out as this is a new situation and one he didn't think he would find himself in. If it was you in this situation I'm pretty sure you would have chose to speak to someone unbiased about your fears regardless.

Original poster
Jlm12286 · 14/12/2017 18:17

I’m hoping I can at least get us into couples counseling or talk to someone myself about how to speak to him. I do know that he is terrified and I understand that everyone handles fear differently.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jlm12286 · 14/12/2017 18:20

He does admit to being selfish but says he never his any of himself from me. He acts as though all the things about him even negative are his way of survival after all he’s been thru. I myself am the product of a very good family life and sometimes it’s almost as though he finds that to be something that cripples me and makes it hard for me to understand real life things.

OP posts:
Greedynan · 14/12/2017 18:23

For those people saying that OP 'is in the wrong'. How have you not considered that the husband is adamant about not wanting kids but is prepared to have careless sex with his wife?

SnowGlitter · 14/12/2017 18:24

The pregnancy is both of your responsibilities but you have moved the goalposts somewhat

Wishingandwaiting · 14/12/2017 18:24

If he was so adamant, he should have had a vasectomy.

Greedynan · 14/12/2017 18:29

That aside, the situ is what it is. You're about to have a baby that you want and DH says he doesn't. You're hoping he 'feels the love' when baby is born. That may/may not happen. And so, if I were you I'd prepare for the worst scenario and hope for the best. Take what he says very seriously and start preparing for life as a single parent. Ask him if he is willing to provide any support aside from financial support, which he has no choice about really. And then hope he comes round. I wish you the best xx

Offred · 14/12/2017 18:42

He believes his maladaptive coping mechanisms; avoidance of responsibility, drinking and anger at other people are better than counselling and he doesn’t want to change these coping mechanisms.

Listen to him when he tells you this.

Plenty of people have had awful childhoods, some no doubt much worse than his, and they do not resort to this behaviour or they seek help in order to be (at least) adequate parents to the children they have. They want to take responsibility for themselves before they repeat the mistakes their parents did.

You have three weeks of pregnancy left and he still believes he is all fine and it is you who has all the problems....

You cannot fix him, you have zero influence over whether he eventually comes to the conclusion that he needs to develop better ways of coping that aren’t so destructive to his own life (and therefore this child’s and others who care for him), these problems are highly likely to be too deeply ingrained and the work he will need to do too great for simply meeting his baby to solve it all.

It is FAR more likely that he will still use these coping mechanisms until he learns to use better ones and that what is required is not just different feelings but work to change reactions.

Mustang27 · 14/12/2017 19:07

Everything offers says no with a cherry on top. Please safeguard yourself for the future because until he is willing to take responsibility you are on your own. I know you know he is fearful but what about your fears he seems to have forgotten you are involved entirely and about to give birth to a child he promised to be a fantastic father to but plans on punishing you for the rest of your relationship.

Mustang27 · 14/12/2017 19:08

That's supposed to say Offered

OrangeCrush19 · 14/12/2017 19:18

"He says he’s going to be a fantastic dad but that is what’s cost me a husband."

If he's willing to step up and be a dad, surely all the rest of it is about punishing you?

twiney · 14/12/2017 19:34

@Greedynan
"Careless" sex - depends. Are we talking a missed pill?
If its a missed pull its hardly his fault.

I have sympathy with the OP but its also 2017 - theres the MAP, and theres abortion.

I'm just saying that if I were in the OP's shoes I probably wouldn't have gone ahead with a pregnancy knowing the father had major issues and trauma around the subject. I would have realised that actually having a baby WAS something I wanted, ended the relationship and found someone more willing to start a family with.

Sure, he should have a vasectomy, but most people, men and women, dont go down that extreme route.

I just think that in this day and age we have backup options regarding unplanned pregnancies, and I'm not sure it's really that fair to have pushed on with this one when you know the father is so dead set against it. I think if one person is so against it, actually they trump the other. In the same way that if the woman was pregnant and unhappy with that, but the father was desparate to have the baby, I would be advising the woman to follow through with terminating.

TossDaily · 14/12/2017 19:40

He sounds like a prick OP.

Tell him to sling his hook.

stitchglitched · 14/12/2017 19:42

Nobody can trump the woman's right to choose. The idea that OP should go through with an unwanted abortion to appease a man who wasn't serious enough about not being a father to wear a condom is repugnant.

A vasectomy is an extreme route to take, but an abortion that a woman doesn't want to go through is a walk in the park?

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 14/12/2017 19:44

The OPs husband has extreme views towards being a father so it would make sense to take “extreme measures” and have a vasectomy, prefably before he even married the OP to avoid a situation such as this. The pill is not 100% effective sometimes it just fails without missing one. MAP and abortion are 2 separate things and while some people might not see abortion as a big deal at all for many others it’s a big deal and can take a physical and emotional toll on the person undergoing the procedure.

In short I don’t think it’s fair to blame the OP for all of this. She isn’t the only person who’s changed her mind and decided to continue with a pregnancy when originally she planned to terminate.

stitchglitched · 14/12/2017 19:44

And yes there is the MAP and abortion. There are also condoms and vasectomies but the man dead against becoming a father, who knows that his rights to decide end with ejaculation, didn't bother to make use of them.

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit · 14/12/2017 19:45

He's being a dick. You made the right choice to choose your child over him.

Do not accept him saying he can't be a husband to you. Either he is or he goes.

Clinging on to him when he's treating you with contempt will not lead to a happy relationship - he won't suddenly see the light.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 14/12/2017 19:45

Actually stitchglitched says it much better and less long winded than I did.

Offred · 14/12/2017 19:49

At times when I was absolutely positive I didn’t want a baby I doubled up on contraception.

A man who absolutely doesn’t want a baby and doesn’t want a vasectomy (or hasn’t had one yet) can wear a condom....

But both partners, male and female, need to understand that if they are fertile and having sex no matter what contraception they use there is always a chance of pregnancy, contraception simply reduces the chances of pregnancy.

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 14/12/2017 19:50

In your shoes I would set up home away from him entirely. If he wants to come and see you and the baby - great but I would consider my marriage at an end and make it so. I would see a solicitor and get everything cut and dried. I see his point of view but this is going to cause you massive issues for years. Someone has to be the grown up here and it's not going to be him. You should not be arranging counselling, he should. He sounds incredibly immature. I would separate and carve out as nice a life for myself as I could and would see him very much way down my priorities from now on. It's baby first, you and then him. I know he has a child he didn't want, well boo fucking hoo! He's being a cock about all this and not taking any responsibility. That would turn me right off him and I would paddle my own canoe from now on.

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit · 14/12/2017 19:50

Sorry if that sounded harsh - it wasn't meant to be! I have spent too much of my life hoping bad relationships will get better. They don't, usually.

Don't blame yourself - if he was that concerned about not being a father he shouldn't have left that option open - he should have taken responsibility for being very careful indeed.

His idea about husband or father is bullshit and of his own making. When he married you he promised for better or worse and It's him walking away from that not you.

Maybe he'll come round maybe he won't. You need to have proper some plans in place in case he doesn't.

Congratulations on your pregnancy I wish you well

Wishingandwaiting · 14/12/2017 19:52

Sure, he should have a vasectomy, but most people, men and women, dont go down that extreme route.

Sure. But he has a very extreme commitment to not being a father. So I’d say “extreme” measures are totally appropriate.

flutterby12 · 14/12/2017 19:53

Alcohol fuelled outbursts do not sound good. When baby comes things will be 100x harder, believe me. Ask him to leave, for you and your unborn child's sake. If he won't then you will need to. Do you have family to go to?

Offred · 14/12/2017 19:55

And there is a massive difference between agreeing neither wants to have children and the decisions either person may make about a pregnancy that has already occurred.

I absolutely do not want any more children for example, however if I got pregnant I wouldn’t necessarily choose to terminate the pregnancy because once the pregnancy has happened the issue is not ‘do I want any/more children?’ it is ‘what should I do about this pregnancy?’

Same with MAP, it isn’t ‘what is the best way to reduce the risk of pregnancy?’ It is ‘how do I handle this current increased risk of pregnancy?’