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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

HELP PLEASE

112 replies

Jlm12286 · 14/12/2017 14:48

Hi everyone! This is my first post. I’m having a really heartbreaking issue. I’m going to start from the top.

Last year my husband and I had a whirlwind romance, fell in love, and got married VERY quickly. We had both agreed that neither of us wanted kids. We were both happy and content with this decision. My husband comes from an abusive father who he thought was his biological father until he was 12 years old. After his mom left his step dad she devoted everything she had to my husband. Never had another relationship. My husband told me point blank when we talked about how he didn’t want kids that he could not be a husband AND a father. He wanted his wife to be the most important person in the world to him and devote everything to her and if a child was in the picture she couldn’t be that person.

A few months after we married I got pregnant. The first couple weeks I had decided to have an abortion but I woke up the third week and decided I couldn’t do it. It was very easy for me to say that I didn’t want children hypothetically. I meant it. I was fine with it. But once I was faced with an actual life inside of me I couldn’t bring myself to say I didn’t want THIS baby. So here I am almost 37 weeks pregnant.

We’ve had a few big blowouts about it. Are troubles are also financial so that is also very stressful.

My husband says he told me who he was and he told me he could not be both a husband and a father. He says I made my choice and I did not choose us so now he can’t either. He acts as if there is NO fixing it. I personally that once he feels the love of this child and that our lives are not ruined it could change his mind. I love him very much. I really feel a need to help him. I don’t even know where to start to fix this. Any advice would help! Thank you!

OP posts:

Original poster

Jlm12286 · 14/12/2017 15:39

I’m so sorry for what you went thru. Is there maybe a way you would suggest I talk to him? I feel like any time I try to understand or talk about it he becomes SO ANGRY. I wish I knew a way that worked.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jlm12286 · 14/12/2017 15:41

Another very important point is that he drinks to cope. That seems to be when most of our major altercations occur.

OP posts:

juliettaa · 14/12/2017 15:47

It sounds a challenging situation all round.; very difficult for both of you.

How about writing your thoughts down for him to read?

Drinking to cope would be a huge red flag for me. Altercations? Are these verbal altercations or physical? Are you sure that you're safe?

littleskittle · 14/12/2017 15:47

This isn't your fault!

Its your shared responsibility - as pp have said, if this mattered so much to him he should have been more careful - and punishing you for this by saying he'll be a dad but not a husband is ridiculous.

You say he's up and down but that's not fair on you - you need to understand where you stand at a time where you are vulnerable! Next time he says something about not being a husband, have a serious talk and suggest he leave if he's not willing to put everything into this - supporting his baby AND you.

Looking after a new born is tough enough when you are happy and on the same page. It won't ever work if he won't be there for you.

Wishing you all the best

janetheimpaler · 14/12/2017 15:48

There's a way that I'd suggest he talks to you - with respect - you are about to give birth and he thinks it is appropriate to get drunk and angry? Reset your boundaries, his behaviour isn't acceptable. When did his feelings become more important than yours? You haven't betrayed him, your relationship evolved (by not proactively preventing a pregnancy, you both made a choice) and if it continues, you will encounter lots of new adventures/challenges. As long as you progress with mutual respect, love is possible.

Original poster

Jlm12286 · 14/12/2017 15:50

They are verbal. Nothing physical. The one time I did get thru to him and he thought it would be ok was thru a letter. It just seems that every now and then something triggers him and he spirals into the no hope angry at me beyond repair situation.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jlm12286 · 14/12/2017 15:54

I actually told him that via text message just last week. He insisted I ruined our marriage and I told him the only way our marriage is ever ruined is if don’t go with the changes and grow and love each other thru it. I suppose instead of trying to fix it and tip toe I should just be more concerned about myself and the baby.

OP posts:

user1469751309 · 14/12/2017 15:57

So sorry OP this sounds like a very difficult time for you but you really need to think about what's best for you and the baby who will be here in a few short weeks. Wish I could offer some better advice but sending a hand hold 💐

Angelf1sh · 14/12/2017 15:57

What is he suggesting you do then? Give it up for adoption? Or that your relationship is now over? If it’s the latter, I’d ask him to leave.

stitchglitched · 14/12/2017 15:58

Does he take any responsibility for the pregnancy OP? Did he expect you to have an abortion? I'm just struggling with how he has managed to frame himself as a victim. I'm assuming he is saying you ruined the marriage because you wouldn't abort? Or is it for getting pregnant in the first place despite his 50% contribution?

user7680 · 14/12/2017 16:00

He should have used condoms then

Offred · 14/12/2017 16:01

These feelings he has are not to do with you. They are to do with him.

It isn’t right that he is taking them out on you. Or that you are allowing him to continue to do so

Original poster

Jlm12286 · 14/12/2017 16:02

No he says now that I’ve made this decision he is going to be the best father ever but as a result of that he cannot be a husband. As if I’ve sacrificed our relationship. He acts like he couldn’t possibly have enough love to go around.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jlm12286 · 14/12/2017 16:04

Crazily enough he missed his vasectomy appointment 2 weeks before this happened bc he was out late. What are the odds, right?

OP posts:

janetheimpaler · 14/12/2017 16:04

Yes, love yourself first, it's essential. Only then can you ensure that you are properly cared for and can care for your family, within the bounds of possibility. Love isn't a weapon to hurt you. All relationships are difficult, but, you have to be trying to get the best outcome for both of you. You are caring for him and he must do the same for you. Do you have a support structure? family or friends? people who can help you through this?
You have chosen to be a mother and it is a valid choice. Soon you are going to be overwhelmed with love for your child. You'll need to protect this child so that it has your love and if possible the love of its father, in an environment that is conductive to healthy growth.

Offred · 14/12/2017 16:05

Have you tried using conflict reducing communication methods that allow you to assert your feelings/wishes/needs?

e.g.

when a happens
I feel b
I would like to be able to c
if a continues I have decided to d...?

stitchglitched · 14/12/2017 16:06

It sounds like he is enjoying punishing you and you feel so guilty for keeping the baby that you are letting him. Enough now though OP, stop taking on the blame. Tell him to leave and to come back if and when he is ready to be a husband too. Whilst you are tying yourself in knots wondering how to make things better, how to help him, where is his concern for you, his heavily pregnant wife? He is climbing into bed with you every night whilst telling you he can't be your husband anymore. That is utterly cruel.

UpEarly · 14/12/2017 16:11

He says he’s going to be a fantastic dad but that is what’s cost me a husband

This reminds me of the things my ex used to say. He is blaming you for his actions and trying to establish a ‘rationale’ for a lifetime of unhappiness. Why do men feel entitled to be this self-destructive? Being a fantastic dad involves also trying his best to be a fantastic husband.

OP I feel for you. Good luck xx

Offred · 14/12/2017 16:13

So when he says things like;

You say something like;

‘I hear that you are saying you feel you cannot be both a father and a husband.’

‘Us living together as husband and wife when you feel this way is confusing’

‘I need to be prepared to bring this baby into the world peacefully in around three weeks’

‘If you don’t want to be a husband then we need to live separately and I will get the support I need from other people.’

Then you reinforce that with actions.

Offred · 14/12/2017 16:16

Those actions include not indulging any attempts to escalate the discussion back into conflict and following through on what you have said you will.

If he tries to escalate it again to be about his anger just calmly make an excuse (I have remembered I need to pop to the shop/I need the toilet) and you leave, then you regroup and wait for the feelings to reduce in intensity.

Glitterandunicorns · 14/12/2017 16:20

OP, I agree with many of the comments above.

Your husband is just as responsible as you for this baby. If he feels that he can't be both a husband and a father, then I would suggest you stop letting him be a husband.

Don't share a bed with him. Don't share a house with him and don't do anything for him. If he's so insistent that he's going to be the best father ever, that means treating the baby's mother with respect. It sounds to me that he's messing with your head and that you're sitting there hoping he's going to magically change his mind when the baby comes.

He needs to find his own house and get things set up now before the baby comes.

I know that you're heavily pregnant now. Have you got your birth plan sorted? Will your husband be there? If not, have you got another birth partner lined up?

I'm a bit concerned about what you've said about the drinking and the altercations. Having a newborn is beyond exhausting and if a relationship isn't great before that stage, it won't make things better. If these altercations get worse, or you're in danger at any time, please speak to your midwife or Womensaid. I don't want to scare you, but it's better to be prepared.

I wish you a healthy rest of pregnancy and a safe birth. I really hope things work out for you, OP.

janetheimpaler · 14/12/2017 16:26

Offred is right. Love is a verb not a noun. It's a "doing" word and in following these actions you are asking him to love you. He may not be capable of doing it, but if he won't try, there's no point in continuing. It's scary coming up to giving birth, it's a time when you need to be protected and have someone share all the emotions. Instead, he is asking you to protect him from his responsibility and forgetting about doing anything to love you. You are worth more than that, remember you found the strength to change your mind and choose to have your baby - because it was right for you. only bring him with you into the future, if he is prepared to love you and understand your change of heart (it is allowed!). The best fathers love their child's mother and model to that child how to be a good husband and father. So that as an adult, your child can hope for a healthy relationship.

juliettaa · 14/12/2017 16:26

Alcohol fuelled angry outbursts are not the actions of a good father. And if he cannot be a husband, why let him hold you to ransom? It's too late now, you cannot change what is done. You have a baby on the way. A life that requires love, care, nurturing, not to be born into a relationship war zone.

I may be the female equivalent of your H, but I am also the child who was dragged brought up in a very toxic environment, full of anger and abuse. Don't allow this to be the life your child has.

Overthehillsandfaraway8 · 14/12/2017 16:26

Your husband sounds like he needs to really take on the issues he has about his father and sort them out. Perhaps he wasn't seeing the right counsellor, but it definitely sounds like he needs to talk through his feelings about you and the baby and his father. If you were both careless, he must take responsibility for the fact you became pregnant. I don't think you should have had an abortion if this was not what you wanted, and he needs to learn to accept what has happened and take responsibility for it.

I think you have no option but to take a firm stance now. Ask him to move out and go into therapy until such time as he has decided he wants to be with you AND his child. Otherwise you are bringing a child into a very unpleasant and toxic atmosphere where he is likely to resent the child and resent the attention you give the child. If he can't reach the point where he wants to commit properly to you both and be a family, you have no option but to separate, amicably. Hopefully he will learn to take on some responsibility and co parent in time, but if not, he at least has to take financial responsibility.

What a sad situation.

DarkNightDelight · 14/12/2017 16:31

So sorry that you've found yourself in this situation, life happens and unfortunately you don't ever have full control over life.

Would he be open to some counselling? He sounds like he's terrified at the prospect of being a father and rightly so, I've put off having children until now (I'm 34) because of my own upbringing and my parents.

Sending a big hug, wish I had the answers for you.

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