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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiance posting explicit photos and videos of me throughout relationship

148 replies

Mummy8912 · 12/12/2017 10:08

Good morning everyone!
I have recently found out that my finance and partner of almost 3 years had been posting explicit photos and videos of me throughout the entirety of our relationship without my knowledge or consent.

I have a beautiful daughter (not his child) and following a harrowing divorce it had taken me a lot to trust anyone and let them into our lives. I came across different email addresses, in different names and confronted him, only to be lied to. I did some more digging to find out that he had been making friends with other creeps on forums and pornographic websites, messaging them, sometimes pretending to be me, other times "pimping me out" and listening to what people said they wanted to do me. I was called a slut, whore, you name it - by the man I trusted. I have cancelled our wedding and never want to see this man again.

I have not confided in my friends because I am very embarrassed. How did I not know that this was happening to me.

He is sorry, he is changed, he is seeking therapy. I have heard it all from him. The thought of him near me or my child makes my skin crawl.

I did not get the police involved because of his family, but I just don't know how you ever trust someone after this?

Help!

OP posts:
Cantuccit · 12/12/2017 12:07

I'm not going to say anymore regarding this I find it embarrassing that after I have expressed something very personal you have all accused me of lying and called me vile names and posted endless sarcastic pathetic emojis.

Killerfiller it's not your story to tell and it's not personal to you. It didn't happen to you.

Stop victim blaming you pathetic excuse for a person.

Babyblues052 · 12/12/2017 12:10

From your recent update it seems to me he wanted to be in control of who saw your body and how. My opinion is he is a danger to women. And the police should be made aware of him.

JaneEyre70 · 12/12/2017 12:11

You have to go to the Police - what's he has done to you is illegal, immoral and a total abuse of your trust. He is going to do this to every woman he meets in the future if you don't put a stop to it. And stop thinking about his family - the shame is his alone. I'm so sorry for what you've gone through - but report it.

I've no idea how it works but I'd also imagine that the Police have the resources to find the images/videos online if they are still out there. Just because he's deleted them doesn't mean that others have. At least you will have the reassurance of knowing he's done what he claims to have.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 12/12/2017 12:11

Please inform the Police. If this were to happen to your daughter, you wouldn't think twice.
This low life creep needs to know that there will be consequences for his sick actions.
Remember, much as I respect you for considering his Mother, he didn't give a flying fig, about your little girl.
Be kind to yourself, you're worth it.🌸

ptumbi · 12/12/2017 12:14

I think it's possible to speak to the police without it going further? Just so it#s on file for Clare's Law? Or is that just for convictions.

Op I can understand you not wanting o upset his mother, but to be honest that is his problem, not yours.

And Killer - your family member is spinning a total lie. Possibly to protect herself; none of your 'idea' of what happened, is real. You have been lied to.

Original poster
Mummy8912 · 12/12/2017 12:17

I have a friend in the police and I have taken the step to message her with all of the details and take advice, I have to do something. He has icloud and secret emails, all which probably hold photos of me and I wont be able to relax until I know they are gone. The ones he has sent to over people are gone and I cannot control that which is a shame. My face was not in them luckily, but it still sucks!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummy8912 · 12/12/2017 12:18

Reading strangers say what they want to do to you with him egging them on was pretty traumatic. I suppose the way in which I deal says everything about me and not him!

OP posts:
Sullabylullaby · 12/12/2017 12:18

I am not sure, but I think it is something that would end with him on the sex offenders register. Can anyone confirm that? I'm not 100% sure about it. Anyone on that, needs to be on it. It's there for a reason. I'm not going to pressure you about going to police, because I understand how humiliating it must feel, but please be aware that they would be trained sexual offence officers dealing with you and it might not be as traumatic as you anticipate. Also, my own personal main concern would be if I was in any way identifiable in the material which might come back to haunt me (or my daughter) in the future.

SnowGlitter · 12/12/2017 12:19

Good for you, Mummy. Well done.

ImAMarshmellow · 12/12/2017 12:20

I'm the last person to say it, but get the police involved. I understand you don't want people to know, but this could have ended very dangerously. What if someone decided they wanted to do more than just view your picture?
He needs reporting, this won't be the first/last time he does this.

Sullabylullaby · 12/12/2017 12:21

Crossed posts. Glad you're not identifiable and have sought advice from your friend. There's no panic to make a decision either way yet as to what you want to do. Get yourself informed and take your time making your decision.

Pinkpillows · 12/12/2017 12:21

I say go to the police, unfortunately the punishment won't be harsh when he's found guilty of it but what it will do is expose him for a creepy bastard to everyone.

Sorry he's done this to you

Babyblues052 · 12/12/2017 12:24

Good for you op I hope she can help you out some more with this. By taking this step you're taking back some control, of course you can't delete the photos but now hopefully it can be prevented from happening again.

TammySwansonTwo · 12/12/2017 12:26

Not sure how you found out about this but I think it's highly likely that there's a lot more you're unaware of sadly. I'm not going to tell you that you must go to police, I know how hard that decision is. And any future victims are his responsibility not yours regardless.

However, if it were me, not knowing the full extent and how much was out there and where would haunt me forever so that would be my motivation. There's also a good chance that the men he's been talking to are up to all manner of illegal and vile stuff, this could lead to consequences for some very bad people too.

Do what's right for you but please seek some specialist help and advice. I'm not sure if there are any charities yet dealing with this issue but I would start there.

Jux · 12/12/2017 12:28

Please do report him. He really does need to put on record so other women can make informed consent should they be tempted to become intimate with him.

Well done for dumping him.

ObscuredbyFog · 12/12/2017 12:30

Well done Mummy for approaching the Police for advice.

It's possible you weren't the first woman he's done this to, he seems terribly well-organised with the whole concept of sharing the images and being in contact with other people for it to be his first offence. Perhaps previous partners of his never found out.

You are doing the right thing, please don't blame yourself, you will get through this Flowers

Madreputa · 12/12/2017 12:38

If I were you I would somehow kinda keep an eye on him on social media if it is possible, and next time he gets into a relationship I would warn his girlfriend about what he had done to you.

Chrys2017 · 12/12/2017 12:47

I don't think this is "revenge porn", though, is it? He wasn't sharing the images "with the purpose of causing embarrassment or distress"...
Sharing intimate images that were taken consensually is (recently) a crime in Scotland under the Abusive Behaviour and Sexual Harm Act (penalty of up to 5 years imprisonment) but is it in England? Does anyone know? (I'm assuming the OP lives in England.)

In any case I agree this should be reported.

www.legislation.gov.uk/asp/2016/22/contents/enacted

MyStomachHurts · 12/12/2017 12:53

He is a sick fuck but for heaven's sake why did you let him take those kind of photos and videos of you? In this day and age when we are hyper aware of these things ending up on the net just WHY

victim blaming

Aeroflotgirl · 12/12/2017 13:06

Even though op consented to the pictures, it is a crime now to do what he did. I woukd report him to the Police. I am sorry op what has happened to you. Massive hugs💐💐💐💐💐

12345OnceCaughtAFish · 12/12/2017 13:27

Chrys2017 how do you know what his intentions were? Given the OP's further disclosure of his treatment of her I think there may very well be a case against him under the 'revenge porn' law. Abuse (and controlling behaviour IS abuse) is ALWAYS with intent to cause distress.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/12/2017 13:30

Well done for having the courage to report this crime. You deserve some peace.

TheRottweiler
You are not responsible for anything. You had been attacked and raped and were afraid. At 17, you were still a child. Flowers

tiptopteepe · 12/12/2017 13:30

It deffo IS revenge porn it completely fits the description. The name is misleading, revenge porn just means porn that is shared without one of the original participants consent. The intention is irrelevant other than that you have shared it on purpose in full knowledge the other person had not consented to it being shared further. You can get up to two years in prison now if convicted of it.

tiptopteepe · 12/12/2017 13:36

'He is a sick fuck but for heaven's sake why did you let him take those kind of photos and videos of you? In this day and age when we are hyper aware of these things ending up on the net just WHY'

this is exactly the same argument people use to rape people who sleep with a lot of different partners or rape their own partners.

Consent needs to be given for every specific thing. You cant assume that because someone consented to something once that was similar or something with you, that you can then do whatever you like to them forever and whenever.

Loads of women take nude photos of themselves or let their partners film them for fun. That is legal and pretty run of the mill in this day and age. It in no way means that it is okay to share those things without the specific consent of the participants. The law agrees with this.

Stop victim blaming. Stop holding women to account for the behaviour of men. He has not done this because he was inspired by how 'sexually experimental' she was. He has done this because hes a sick criminal.

mickhucknallspinkpancakes · 12/12/2017 13:49

Well done op, it was very brave but you did the right thing.

Please don't think you can't tell close friends in real life. You've done nothing wrong.