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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiance posting explicit photos and videos of me throughout relationship

148 replies

Mummy8912 · 12/12/2017 10:08

Good morning everyone!
I have recently found out that my finance and partner of almost 3 years had been posting explicit photos and videos of me throughout the entirety of our relationship without my knowledge or consent.

I have a beautiful daughter (not his child) and following a harrowing divorce it had taken me a lot to trust anyone and let them into our lives. I came across different email addresses, in different names and confronted him, only to be lied to. I did some more digging to find out that he had been making friends with other creeps on forums and pornographic websites, messaging them, sometimes pretending to be me, other times "pimping me out" and listening to what people said they wanted to do me. I was called a slut, whore, you name it - by the man I trusted. I have cancelled our wedding and never want to see this man again.

I have not confided in my friends because I am very embarrassed. How did I not know that this was happening to me.

He is sorry, he is changed, he is seeking therapy. I have heard it all from him. The thought of him near me or my child makes my skin crawl.

I did not get the police involved because of his family, but I just don't know how you ever trust someone after this?

Help!

OP posts:
12345OnceCaughtAFish · 12/12/2017 11:35

Perhaps we should ignore Killerfiller's 'contribution' to this discussion. It's neither plausible nor helpful and has hijacked the OP.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 12/12/2017 11:35

You really must consider going to the police, even the thought of what he has done to you is upsetting for me, please don’t let him do this again to another girl in the future.

I’m so sorry to hear how bad he has treated you Flowers Flowers nobody deserves to go throug what he has put you through.

user1495451339 · 12/12/2017 11:35

I would report it to the police as if he feels like he has got away with it he will do it again. Who knows what else he gets up to if he can do that to you. He may have the photos backed up somewhere too. The police will take it seriously.

Madreputa · 12/12/2017 11:35

This reply has been deleted

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ptumbi · 12/12/2017 11:35

Killer - you haven't shared 'your experience', you have shared what your relative told you (lied to you).

It's a load of DM-like bull.

MummyMummyMummyyyy · 12/12/2017 11:36

Killerfiller your post is obviously total utter bullshit. There is absolutely no way that a police officer would take intimate photos to compare private parts. As if any woman would consent to
such a thing at a police station. That's absurd! Why on Earth are you posting?

TheRottweiler · 12/12/2017 11:37

Blacktea

I feel guilty for not reporting the crime. This happened in the 1970's though - it was a different climate back then....

SnowGlitter · 12/12/2017 11:38

It was a photo and yes they to compare. It was a woman officer the same woman officer who laughed when she called

"Calls to 101 are answered by police officers and staff in the control room of the local police force."

But this would not have been the same person who then took the photos Hmm and compared them with those on the video tape and determined whether or not they were the same genitals!

That's ridiculous. And an almost laughable suggestion if it weren't so damaging potentially.

Killerfiller · 12/12/2017 11:38

This reply has been deleted

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SnowGlitter · 12/12/2017 11:40

He is a sick fuck but for heaven's sake why did you let him take those kind of photos and videos of you? In this day and age when we are hyper aware of these things ending up on the net...just WHY?

Because some people don't get engaged to people they already know are complete shits.

Some women trust the men they are committing to spending the rest of their lives with and would not have done so if they didn't think they could be trusted.

Some people enjoy taking/sharing photos as part of an adult, consensual intimate relationship.

None of this is the OP's fault.

SnowGlitter · 12/12/2017 11:44

killer I would suggest that your family member told you an abridged, inaccurate version. Maybe without realising it herself. There is no way that the person who was on shift in the call handling room would have been released to go down to meet your family member and take photos.

There would be dedicated officers for taking intimate photos likes that. Officers who are trained in dealing with these scenarios.

When she got to the station, she would have spoken with the duty officer who would have taken the intial details and then contacted the most appropriate person on shift. Which would not have resulted in calling someone down from the control room.

Blackteadrinker77 · 12/12/2017 11:45

He is a sick fuck but for heaven's sake why did you let him take those kind of photos and videos of you? In this day and age when we are hyper aware of these things ending up on the net...just WHY?

Because as two consenting adults they wanted to do this as part of their sex life.
My husband and I also enjoy doing that and have for decades.

That does not give anyone the right to commit such an awful crime against you.

Wellyboots86 · 12/12/2017 11:48

It’s massively disrespectful to you and you should report it as the crime it is! It would be different if you were into that kind of thing and had told him to share it but if no consent it’s not on!

Graphista · 12/12/2017 11:48

Op ignore killerfiller they're talking bollocks no officer let alone multiple officers would risk their careers like that.

My brother and several friends are officers and would treat you professionally and with respect.

This type of offence is treated very seriously now. Not only can they deal with your arsehole ex fiancé they can track down and have removed a lot of the images/videos (sadly not all as once it's on the internet that's very hard to do and no doubt the creeps that have looked have screenshot/recorded for their own sick amusement) but they can do a lot to reduce the harm and frankly your ex fiancé deserves whatever he has coming to him!

Blackteadrinker77 · 12/12/2017 11:49

killerfisher-It is re-routed to call handling officers in the police force. IE the major police station for say Northumbria police or Met.
Those officers or call handlers would never be on a reception desk at a police station. Nor would they then be promoted so quickly to the sexual crime unit.
None of what you posted is how this works.

12345OnceCaughtAFish · 12/12/2017 11:50

None of this is the OP's fault

This. This this and again this. All those asking why the OP consented to pictures etc, please engrave that quote in your minds and stop being narrow minded, judgemental, victim blaming fuckwits.

AdoraBell · 12/12/2017 11:51

What about his family has stopped you from reporting him?

Original poster
Mummy8912 · 12/12/2017 11:55

Thank you (for the support and constructive comments) not so much the judgement haha.
I am a grown adult and believed I was taking part in something private, I believed as I was told by him time and time again that those photos were for his personal use only. Of course I did not envisage finding myself in this horrible situation.
The worst part is (and I forgot to mention this) that he was very controlling of me and would not let me where a top that showed even a little flesh - which now I obviously find even more bizzare in light of the fact he was showing bloody everybody my body.
Cannot tell you how much the support has given me a push of strength I did not know I had., Thank you :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummy8912 · 12/12/2017 11:56

I suppose he wanted control, he thought I was his to show. His mother is elderly, and was always so good to me. She is devastated and I wanted to save his family the shame - they are good people and he comes from a very small village

OP posts:
Iris65 · 12/12/2017 11:59

I am sorry, but I have to comment. @killerfiller. You have been told a story that bears no relation to how these crimes are dealt with. You description of events is utter nonsense and I would question the reliability of the person who told you this.

It is doubly horrible because it may result in others who hear it not reporting the crime.

cakecakecheese · 12/12/2017 12:04

That's a shame about his family but that's not your fault, it's him that's doing this to them.

Yes that is controlling behaviour, if you look back you'll probably find other examples too.

It sounds like you're doing OK but I've just found this revengepornhelpline.org.uk/ which might be helpful.

SnowGlitter · 12/12/2017 12:05

The worst part is (and I forgot to mention this) that he was very controlling of me and would not let me where a top that showed even a little flesh - which now I obviously find even more bizzare in light of the fact he was showing bloody everybody my body.

I think that, sadly, this meant he knew exactly what men would be thinking and saying about your body and he was fine for that to happen when he was in control of it and benefitting from it, but less so when it was you going out and in control of it Sad

I'm glad the thread has, in the main, helped. Are you going to speak to the police?

WickedGirl · 12/12/2017 12:07

Mummy.........please tell the police

Your update shows what a nasty, abusive man he is. He thinks you’re his property

Please be careful xx

TammySwansonTwo · 12/12/2017 12:07

Clearly he wasn't worried about the impact on his lovely mum, was he? In fact he didn't give a shit about anyone but himself, and was no doubt pretty sure he would get away with it too. And if he does, this will embolden his behaviour and decision making. This man needs some consequences, stat. His mum isn't your problem to worry about and if she's as lovely as you say she will be horrified by what he has done - I have two boys and if they ever did anything like this I'd be calling the police myself.

SnowGlitter · 12/12/2017 12:07

Oh and it isn't his family's shame either. It's all his. All of it.

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