Found out DH is bisexual and a liar - can I ever be happy with him?

[eskimomama]

DH and I have been together 10 years, we have a DD who has severe autism. I'm a SAH mom to be full time carer of DD, I do 99% of the childcare and household chores, while he's busy being the breadwinner and full time complainer.
First of all I must say I have been madly in love with this guy, I really loved him and still do, so what will follow is really a huge shock to my system.

2 months ago I discovered that DH was bisexual, because he had gay porn on the computer and gay chat apps on his phone. It was a massive shock to me as I had absolutely no idea. I know nothing about bisexuality so first I thought he was a repressed gay and I had just been used as a cover for his need to conform.
It caused me massive anxiety and had to confront him after 5 days, I forced him to admit it. It was a very emotional talk where he promised he never cheated, would never cheat or do anything to hurt me or DD or destabilise our little family. I trusted him, he really sounded sincere.

Yet just a few weeks later I started having negative thoughts again, I spied his phone again and was horrified by what I found : he had contacted a male prostitute!! He wrote to him "my wife agreed that this would be my outlet"!! To which the guy replied if I wanted to participate and he answered "probably not if ever, sorry"... WTF!!

How could he promise to be faithful with big tears in his eyes and 3 weeks later contact a male hooker???

I had to confront him again, I didn't mention the spying and what I discovered, but said I had had a very bad gut feeling and wanted him to reassure me he wouldn't cheat. He got angry and aggressive, saying "will I have to repeat the same thing over and over again for the rest of my life"... I told what I thought of promiscuous gay sex behind my back, told him to look me in the eyes and tell me the truth : He looked me straight in the eyes, his face didn't twitch, his eyes didn't blink and he LIED to me. He said he wasn't planning to cheat and that I should calm down. That's what I wanted to hear but I knew it was a lie, what an AWFUL feeling.
On top of that he started mixing up all our problems : special needs child, isolation because of it, he said "we don't have a relationship" bla bla bla, to which I said it was very offensive and unfair to me, as well as sounding like he wanted to justify future cheating.
(for what it's worth we have sex 4-5 times a month)

The next day he had deleted the chat with the prostitute on his phone. Which at this stage doesn't mean anything to me. I'd say only 50% chance he didn't meet him.
I told him I'd be ruthless if I found out he has cheated and exposed me to STDs.
I do NOT think he gets the point.

How did I end up with a man who is completely different to what I thought? On the outside he's mister charmer, everybody loves him and finds him kind and caring. His family would never believe it.

I've been reading lots about bisexuality and I just can't make up my mind. I can hardly find any husband with some sort of mental stability. I find 3 types of marriages :

• those where the wife allows the husband to have sex with men every now and then or simply an open marriage both sides : totally NOT for me. I just cannot bear the thought and can't believe that's what he wanted all along
• those who split because the bi husband just cannot live without gay sex, even though he knows his sexual urge will destroy his family
• those who stay together because the husband has made a rational, conscious decision that his family is worth more than casual sex for the rest of his life, and is happy to stay monogamous - those seem very rare.

I need some help. I haven't told anybody and I am lost, and extremely anxious, which I really don't need as my stress levels with DD are already sky high.
Please don't tell me to just dump him because I am financially dependent on him and that would really not be easy. Maybe I will have to but I want to explore other options first.

Is there any hope that I can make him realise he just wants to have his cake and eat it? And that he is seriously hurting me and making me massively insecure?
In all evidence he says one thing and thinks another, so I can't have such conversations anymore.
Does anyone have experience with this kind of crap?

thank you

@serialcheat

Hilarious!

Mathanxiety

Yes absolutely, but my point is that many folks assume that sexworkers = disease by default and it doesn't.

The risk of health implications and danger to self is a HUGE attraction and turn on for many men who want to engage in casual sex, especially when they use dogging sites or saunas etc, but as far as sexworkers go, it's their job to remain clean. If her husband has been engaging in casual sex then yes, testing is a must.

From some of these replies it seems like the only way to avoid being a bigot is to be attracted to and open to having sex with anyone and everyone. Because finding anything a turnoff is x-phobic.

Huskylover1 I am bisexual, but I have only ever been with my DH since we were teenagers.

However, I'm not a cheat, so I won't be straying at all, regardless of the fact I'm bisexual.

As I've repeatedly stated, he cheated because he's a cheat, not because he's bisexual.

And don't start the whole "I'm not homophobic because I have lesbian friends" bullshit. It's the same as "I'm not a racist because I have black friends" tripe people pull out when trying not to appear racist.

Bedtimebunny so true

Huskylover1 I am bisexual, but I have only ever been with my DH since we were teenagers

So you are bisexual, but you have only ever been with a male. Good luck with your mid life crisis.

So you are bisexual, but you have only ever been with a male. Good luck with your mid life crisis.

You are quite clearly showing your ignorance on bisexuality here. It's really rather embarrassing for you.

And don't start the whole "I'm not homophobic because I have lesbian friends" bullshit. It's the same as "I'm not a racist because I have black friends" tripe people pull out when trying not to appear racist.

Do tell how we can appear not x-phobic or racist then, assuming there are lots of people not in a position to contribute to institutional racism or x-phobia. How is friendship not sufficient? Should we be dating anyone who flutters an eyelash at us?

I have friends and family members who are not of the same ethnic background as me. I am an immigrant myself, where I live. So shoot me.

I don't for one minute agree that sexual preferences are homophobic, that sounds far too much like Riley J Dennis and his 'sexual preferences are transphobic' for my liking.

But even if you think there is some underlying homophobia why does it matter? Why aren't women allowed to make judgements about who they have sexual relationships with? They can be as discriminatory as they like. I have a lesbian friend who won't entertain the idea of a relationship with a bisexual woman, is she a bigot too?

The idea that women are somehow responsible for men hiding their sexuality and behaving badly is nonsense- is there anything women don't get blamed for? Are women not allowed to reject their partner when he reveals that he has hidden his sexual orientation and basically tricked them into marriage? Are they not allowed to find the idea of their husband shagging a man a turn off, because that would be homophobic? What would be an acceptable reason to not want to be in a relationship with a bisexual person then? Or isn't there one?

THIS. 100%.

Poor speckledduck I really feel for you and some pps are spectacularly missing the point when saying your husband's cheating was nothing to do with his bisexuality. So why didn't he cheat with women? The whole point in your case was that he felt that part of him was unexplored and unfulfilled, and I can't blame women for one moment for having that fear and not wanting to date bisexual men. Obviously straight men can cheat but the feeling that you are not good enough because of your body parts is really painful and invokes so many different feelings as you are completely powerless, and it feels like a more than one betrayal.

I agree with husky that the thought of my husband with another man is sickening to me and I am not homophobic.

A great post, WatchTheFoxes

The fear is that there is an itch that a wife can't scratch, and it is a very realistic fear. At least if a H cheats with another woman you feel you could compete - maybe a misguided optimism, because cheaters are not worth any effort, but still...

If he cheats with men, you are looking at a scenario where you can offer nothing as an alternative except laundry services and a hot meal every night. What a lovely prospect.

It feels all the more awful if your H makes you feel you are lacking somehow but fails to mention that your problem is the lack of a penis.

mathanxiety and watchthefoxes Great posts.

And don't start the whole "I'm not homophobic because I have lesbian friends" bullshit. It's the same as "I'm not a racist because I have black friends" tripe people pull out when trying not to appear racist

So, in order to qualify as not being homophobic or racists, women MUST sleep with a bisexual male or someone of another race?

So, by your logic, a Gay man would have to fuck women, in order to qualify as a feminist or non misogynist.

And yet, if I came on to a forum like this, and made the above statement, you would scream from the hilltops that I'm homophobic.

Straight people can't really fucking win, can they?

Huskylover1 I think you deserve a medal for all the bullshit you're spouting. You couldn't be missing the point more if you tried.

So why didn't he cheat with women?

He probably did. Once a cheat, always a cheat. He likes both genders, and it just so happens that in that particular moment, he chose a man.

It is perfectly possible to not be homophobic and yet to experience visceral revulsion at the thought of specifically homosexual sexual acts by one’s partner.

We were raised in a culture and in many ways still live in one that defines homosexual acts as transgressive. In general we rarely see same sex kissing or other sexual acts in the media and this implies that these acts are too disgusting to be depicted.

Contrast this to the media saturation of depiicfions heterosexual acts, which are frequent and often explicit. They occur in advertising for diverse products, in soaps, in films of all kinds, in drama, comedy, documentaries and in children’s programming ( of the mum and dad pecking on the cheek type).

As a result at a deep level we acquire a belief that homosexual acts are abnormal, and as they involve the body we also acquire a feeling of disgust. These beliefs and feelings are rarely challenged because we rarely experience them, unlike homophobia which is addressed at school, at work and in our daily lives.

It is possible for people to not consciously be homophobic but at the same time to experience revulsion at the thought or depiction of homosexual acts.

This visceral revulsion is homophobic, but as it is unconscious the individual is not responsible for it until they are aware of it. At this point they need to analyse and understand it as well as avoid acting on it in anyway.

*It is perfectly possible to not be consciously homophobic...

I'm bisexual and don't cheat. I have had bisexual male partners in the past too. They didn't need to cheat either (no matter their lack/lots of experience) Bisexual doesn't = cheat or dirty. Erugh.... x

as well as avoid acting on it in anyway

The way some posters are 'acting on' finding gay sex a turn off is simply to not choose intimate relationships with bisexual men. Are you suggesting this isn't acceptable?

WhatToDoAboutThis2017

I asked you this question:

So, by your logic, a Gay man would have to fuck women, in order to qualify as a feminist or non misogynist.

What is your answer?

Huskylover1 Was my previous answer not clear enough for you? Perhaps this one will be: take your straw man elsewhere.

WhatTo

You haven't answered that question.

Because you can't.

I am bisexual. And have ongoing fantasies about sleeping with a woman. But, I married and made vows to a man.
My DH knows I am bisexual, knows about my previous relationships with women and is very aware that I find women a lot more attractive than men.
At no point in our marriage, or relationship, have I ever contacted a woman for sex. I made marriage vows to him, and am in a committed relationship with him.
Women are definitely my thing, I can appreciate an attractive woman more than a man, and man all those sexuality quizzes, I am erring towards more gay than bisexual. But, nonetheless, I am bisexual, and I have decided to spend my life with a man.
Asking to be with a woman because of my sexuality would never cross my mind. In the early days my DH and discussed it, three somes etc, and he always said it would be cheating for him. So, that shut that conversation down.
It's not your husbands sexuality that is the issue, it is the fact he is a cheat.
He chose to marry and have a baby with you, regardless of how he feels, he has responsibilities now.
We have friends who have recently broken up a twenty year marriage due to this exact reason, the husband said he thought I would understand. No. No, I do not understand cheating on your spouse.

Not rtft but this happened to me in a previous marriage. Only he had a long term boyfriend that I found out about when 7 months pregnant. He lied, and minimised. I stayed. Eventually I divorced him. I haven't told anyone that we know for his sake, but he has now destroyed my life as penalty for not keeping his lie.

I lived with it for 6 years. It destroys you. No trust, no respect, no relationship.

Huskylover1 I have answered it, you just don't like me calling you on your bullshit.

If you ask appropriate and relevant questions, you might get a better response.

I think the point Husky was making is that why are some sexual preferences respected and not others? I'm pretty shocked by this thread, women trying to shame other women because they are discriminating about their sexual partners. Women being blamed for forcing men to stay in the closet and behave badly because they don't want to sleep with them. It reminds me very much of the way lesbians are being called transphobic, or of MRAs who think women owe them sex.

WhatTo

You have not answered that question.

If you think that you have, please tell me which post (what time) directly answers the question, as to whether a gay man must sleep with women, in order to prove he is not a misogynist.

You keep saying you've answered that question, but I cannot see anywhere that you have.

The way some posters are 'acting on' finding gay sex a turn off is simply to not choose intimate relationships with bisexual men. Are you suggesting this isn't acceptable?

My point was badly phrased. Of course when it comes to sexual relationships people have the right to choose. If you don’t want a relationship with someone who you have met that is bisexual that is your right. However, it is important to be clear about why and to examine the reasons as it may suggest internalised homophobia.

What is wrong is to dismiss or negatively characterise a whole group of people on the basis of a single characteristic. You might meet a guy and be attracted, then he tells you he is bisexual. There is nothing wrong with a woman or a man saying no thank you. It is no more acceptable to say ‘I’d never go out with a bisexual.’ than ‘I’d never go out with a black.’ for example. They are both bigoted statements.