Found out DH is bisexual and a liar - can I ever be happy with him?

[eskimomama]

DH and I have been together 10 years, we have a DD who has severe autism. I'm a SAH mom to be full time carer of DD, I do 99% of the childcare and household chores, while he's busy being the breadwinner and full time complainer.
First of all I must say I have been madly in love with this guy, I really loved him and still do, so what will follow is really a huge shock to my system.

2 months ago I discovered that DH was bisexual, because he had gay porn on the computer and gay chat apps on his phone. It was a massive shock to me as I had absolutely no idea. I know nothing about bisexuality so first I thought he was a repressed gay and I had just been used as a cover for his need to conform.
It caused me massive anxiety and had to confront him after 5 days, I forced him to admit it. It was a very emotional talk where he promised he never cheated, would never cheat or do anything to hurt me or DD or destabilise our little family. I trusted him, he really sounded sincere.

Yet just a few weeks later I started having negative thoughts again, I spied his phone again and was horrified by what I found : he had contacted a male prostitute!! He wrote to him "my wife agreed that this would be my outlet"!! To which the guy replied if I wanted to participate and he answered "probably not if ever, sorry"... WTF!!

How could he promise to be faithful with big tears in his eyes and 3 weeks later contact a male hooker???

I had to confront him again, I didn't mention the spying and what I discovered, but said I had had a very bad gut feeling and wanted him to reassure me he wouldn't cheat. He got angry and aggressive, saying "will I have to repeat the same thing over and over again for the rest of my life"... I told what I thought of promiscuous gay sex behind my back, told him to look me in the eyes and tell me the truth : He looked me straight in the eyes, his face didn't twitch, his eyes didn't blink and he LIED to me. He said he wasn't planning to cheat and that I should calm down. That's what I wanted to hear but I knew it was a lie, what an AWFUL feeling.
On top of that he started mixing up all our problems : special needs child, isolation because of it, he said "we don't have a relationship" bla bla bla, to which I said it was very offensive and unfair to me, as well as sounding like he wanted to justify future cheating.
(for what it's worth we have sex 4-5 times a month)

The next day he had deleted the chat with the prostitute on his phone. Which at this stage doesn't mean anything to me. I'd say only 50% chance he didn't meet him.
I told him I'd be ruthless if I found out he has cheated and exposed me to STDs.
I do NOT think he gets the point.

How did I end up with a man who is completely different to what I thought? On the outside he's mister charmer, everybody loves him and finds him kind and caring. His family would never believe it.

I've been reading lots about bisexuality and I just can't make up my mind. I can hardly find any husband with some sort of mental stability. I find 3 types of marriages :

• those where the wife allows the husband to have sex with men every now and then or simply an open marriage both sides : totally NOT for me. I just cannot bear the thought and can't believe that's what he wanted all along
• those who split because the bi husband just cannot live without gay sex, even though he knows his sexual urge will destroy his family
• those who stay together because the husband has made a rational, conscious decision that his family is worth more than casual sex for the rest of his life, and is happy to stay monogamous - those seem very rare.

I need some help. I haven't told anybody and I am lost, and extremely anxious, which I really don't need as my stress levels with DD are already sky high.
Please don't tell me to just dump him because I am financially dependent on him and that would really not be easy. Maybe I will have to but I want to explore other options first.

Is there any hope that I can make him realise he just wants to have his cake and eat it? And that he is seriously hurting me and making me massively insecure?
In all evidence he says one thing and thinks another, so I can't have such conversations anymore.
Does anyone have experience with this kind of crap?

thank you

haha thanks for the laugh, I needed it
your DH sounds great.

I'm a Bisexual woman in a relationship with a Bisexual man. I'm utterly astounded at the bigotry and misinformation not to mention the outright homophobic attitudes on this thread. However, I want to offer an analogy. Take 100 random people. 50 male and 50 female. You cannot automatically assume a Bisexual person will be sexually attracted to all 100 people, just as you can't assume a straight woman will fancy all 50 blokes, drop her knickers and ask them to form an orderly queue, ffs. Being bisexual just means it really doesn't matter what's in their underwear... if you find them attractive, you just do. I don't miss sex with a woman, anymore than I miss sex with my blonde long haired, male ex lover. Sex is a unique experience with each person you encounter.

I imagine it would be more difficult if you feel you are bisexual and have never had the opportunity to explore this - in a forbidden fruit sense if you chose a monogamous heterosexual relationship. Btw - to a previous poster, you dont choose your sexuality. If you did, I know plenty of queer folk who would definitely not have chosen theirs due to the abuse, violence and harassment they have experienced. You realise you're one tiny step from spouting the "cure them" of their sexuality nonsense of the militant Christian post war era!!

His sexuality is not an issue.

His desire to sleep with someone who is not his wife, really is.

Btw - I don't worry about my partner missing playing with a cock anymore than I worry about him wanting a woman with a smaller waist and bigger boobs. They will never be me - and never have that unique interaction both sexually and otherwise that we share together.

Thanks VioletDaze and husband for answering all the creepy questions!

Yes, that makes sense - I suppose a lot of stuff about relationships (and life) comes down to us all being different in a myriad of different ways… The obviousness of which is clouded because we choose to use labels and that gives the impression that there may be different groups but within each group everyone is similar.

I'm not sure that all the confusion/misunderstanding here is homophobic. It is easy to misunderstand and say the wrong thing when you are in new territory. I have probably done that with friends who have been bereaved or have disabled children and people have been crass towards me too, when they don't fully understand the nuances of my life.

Surely if we all keep muddling through and trying to understand each other, there will be less prejudice and fewer barriers to being who we are, whatever that entails. Some people may say the "wrong thing" along the way, but fewer people might feel the need to lie and cheat because of fear of coming out as bisexual or gay (rather than lie or cheat because they are total shits - which is another group entirely).

And for the avoidance of doubt I realise that many, many bisexual and gay people just live their lives without denial or lying or shame - as it should be. Just not the OP's husband sadly, nor mine.

FGS, no hetro woman wants her man to crave cock. End of.

How awful for you OP, I'm so sorry

For what it's worth I don't think it would make a jot of difference to him if you found 10 forums for monogamous bi men. He is behaving this way simply because he wants to, then using his forums to validate his choices. He's not using them as an instruction manual

I think most peeps are bi these days x

No one is bashing the Op, quite the contrary.

Nobody is bashing Bisexuality or any other sexuality.

Most are in agreement that the Op's husband is a lying, cheating, hypercritical douche bag who is prepared to put his wife's health at risk, destabilise her mentally and wreck the family.

Can she be happy with a monogamous husband who is bisexual, of course......

Can she be happy with a husband who is a promiscuous bisexual !?

She wouldn't have started this thread, because surely she isn't.

Of course it's easy to say ' leave the bastard ', love / hate, family, money and children are involved, but as everyday passes, her self worth and confidence is being sapped.

Op's head must be spinning like a washing machine.

FYI - sexworkers are some of the most sexually healthy people on the face of the planet. The majority have monthly tests, it's the clients that tend to be problematic. There is a terrible fetish that exists called pozzing - which is when clients with STDs actively seek to infect other people, including sexworkers. It's a sexworkers bread and butter to remain sexually healthy, so they do. Unfortunately many folks assume they are all riddled with disease in the way that someone who is streetwalking sexwork to maintain a drink or drug habit.

A sexworker who feels they might have been put at risk will stop working in lieu of a clean test result, as they have to stay healthy.

Now, his bisexuality isn't the issue here, as others have said, it's the cheating. Now if he's already paid for time with a sexworker, without your consent then yes that cheating. Being attracted to more than one gender does not mean you will cheat, it simply means you are happy to form relationships with more than one gender. Some might be monogamous, some might be polyamorous, but it's clear that you're expecting a monogamous relationship. Him talking with a sexworker in the way he has is a betrayal because he shouldn't have done it, and he barefaced lied to your face. What you need to consider now, is how you want to move forward.

I'd be ruthless as hell with anyone who cheated on me too.

I think he's the gullible one. He believes everything he reads on those narcissistic forums and podcasts about bisexual empowerment and entitlement (all men btw). I just spent 2 hours last night telling him these platforms are awfully biased and he should look at bi parents websites instead, to get a more objective perspective

Eskimo, please stop putting yourself through this torture.
He is not a gullible man led astray by other people. His behaviour comes from deep inside himself, from his sense of entitlement.

He sought out sites that justified his behaviour and his betrayal of you and your daughter and your marriage.

He will not face the truth about himself that he would find in sites frequented by decent bi or gay partners. He does not want to know what a selfish narcissist he is. He has rewritten the history of your relationship and how he became a father in his head in order to defend his ego against the truth.

www.ww2incolor.com/d/810825-2/zooflaktower2
Your H is this flak tower in Berlin.
You, your life and your marriage are lying in ruins all around.
He will willingly risk the destruction of those nearest and dearest to him in order to protect his idea of who and what he is.
He will never see you as a victim in all of this, and he will never accept what he risks doing to your daughter. You have heard how he repudiates her, blames the stress of living with her for his choices. He has turned against her because affection for her and remorse for what his actions will do would be unbearable to his ego.

You have tried to remind him of what he owes you and the response
has been narcissistic rage. This is abusive.
www.decision-making-confidence.com/narcissistic-rage.html

He deleted the conversation with the male prostitute. What else has he deleted?!

I found out my ex was gay and it was a terrible shock. We’d been married for 20 years. I found out he’d been cheating on me every time he went away (he works abroad frequently) and that he’d had secret ‘boyfrIends’ all along. I play nice now for the kids sake, but I still feel angry that he stole so mich of my life, and I had to start again at 45. Don’t waste any more of your life with this man. He is cheating on you, I can guarantee it. He won’t change.

I can only give you my experience over the last 18 months since accidently finding out but I understand exactly where you are in all of this mentally because I did the same kind of research and pretty much at the same stage!
What I will say is it's pointless, as others have pointed out, gay relationships are the same as straight, the same morals and expectations apply to both depending on what both parties want. Cheats are Cheats, liars are liars no matter what your sexuality is. You're embarking on a pointless mission trying to understand the bullshit he's feeding you and it really is bullshit.
I'm pretty sure my h is a gay man who chose to drag me and my dc into an unbelievable level of deceit just to serve his own selfish needs. He's the homophobic one out of the 2 of us. What the fuck is wrong with being openly gay or bi.
I have gay friends, male and females and over the years have sat with boxes of tissues when break ups have happened and shared in the excitement of new relationships. All exactly the same as hetero friends.
When I found out, h was a crying mess, wailing, shouting, begging for forgiveness. It was curiosity, stupidity, addiction, his shit childhood, the pressure of our lives, me having no time for him. Everything caused it except him and the choices he made. It's a total crock of shit.
I've been dragged into a world I had little idea about, it could have been straight or gay, it's what it is and that's fucking seedy and disgusting in my opinion no matter what sexuality.
He had Grindr, was meeting other men. When I got past the initial shock which took weeks I snooped and snooped. I found out about Right here, Right now shout outs to men he was in contact with locally, 2 really random areas he kept visiting that turned out to be gay doggin areas, the images him and other men were sharing of themselves and worst of all his Google maps showing him looking up addresses when he'd arranged to meet. There's so much more but you get the picture. I'd find this behaviour disgusting if it had been women let alone men. Each to their own sexually but only if both partners agree to it and id have run a mile if I knew what he was into when we met.
I begged him to leave, he begged to stay, he was having a breakdown according to him, I felt confused, shocked, responsible and most ridiculously, loyalty to him. I didn't want anyone to know to protect him. God knows why when he showed me absolutely no respect or my dc which broke me more than anything.
My anxiety went sky high, I was on anti depressants for months because like you it's hard to get out of it especially with a child with SN.
I'm detaching from him, I'm pretty much there, I don't think he was ever attached, I just served a purpose so did the kids. I'm catching up with him mentally slowly. I see through the lies now.
I'm at peace with myself for not forgiving him because what he's done is unforgivable. He fucked with my head in the same way your H is. He confused the gay/ Bi thing to the point where even I was thinking I was homophobic so I stopped asking him awkward things; screaming at him and getting out all of those emotions. He cleverly shut me down

It's taken me a long time to realise it could have been either sex and I would have felt just as disgusted and betrayed.
The gay thing took it to another level because he's made every second of the last 13 years a lie. He stole my past, he's stolen the future I thought we had and he's made me question my own ability as a mum and woman to spot a total and utter selfish, lying wanker which is what he is.
I was going to pm you but thought I'd post on here in case it helps someone else in the future.
Like you I couldn't find anything that helped me get my head around it all x

Apologies for the lack of paragraphs, I did put them in I promise 😁😁

Laudanum - the world of married men seeking m2m sex is a shady and crooked one where the players often engage in high risk behaviour. From my own research, it struck me that risk taking was an important element that made the scene attractive, not just an incidental.

The OP would be very naive to believe that her H has only had phone contact with one sex worker, no actual sex, and no sex with other risk-takers. It is really important that she gets herself tested.

His sexuality is not an issue.

I'm sorry...but I disagree. I wouldn't want a bisexual husband. I want a heterosexual husband...and that is not homophobia.

OP... this isn't something you need to accept.... it doesn't matter if there are women married to bi men who accept it. They are not you and the sexual orientation of your spouse, is something critical you should have known when the relationship started.

Anything less than him disclosing that is deceitful and he knows it.

It's not about finding a forum of like minded people and then trying to persuade your spouse it's acceptable...and that they are old fashioned and outdated if they disagree.

I'm pretty sure my h is a gay man who chose to drag me and my dc into an unbelievable level of deceit just to serve his own selfish needs

This is really the case with many men in this position.
They want to present as regular guy, with a wife and family which provides the perfect cover for him...who'd suspect a married man was gay.

It's out and out selfish, deceitful behaviour.

I find bi women who get married are generally honest about their sexuality.... it's usually the men who keep it a secret.

The reality is that men don't have as big an issue....with their wife and mother of their DC being bi.... but reverse is not usually the case.

And men are also not generally threatened if their wife sleeps with another woman. They are more accepting of an open relationship with a woman.

Not that I'm suggesting this is right...or that you need to accept this in your marriage OP.

Last comment from me, honest.

I have genuinely never heard any reason for not wanting to be in a relationship with a bisexual person, based purely on their sexuality which is not homophobic/biphobic. Posters here can claim they are "only attracted to heterosexual men" all they want.

It's a lie.

If you are attracted to someone, like them, get into a relationship, and are fine until you learn that they are attracted to men, because you "only like manly man, and MSM aren't manly" or "because I could never trust them" or "because they lie" or "because they crave cock" (funny how no one talks about straight women 'craving cock') or whatever homophobic stereotype you are holding onto, then that's your bigotry.

This is also the reason so many bisexual men do stay in the closet. There is a massive stigma that bi men face, from both straight and gay people, way way worse than bisexual women. It puts them under this huge pressure to pretend to be anything in order to not face abuse, exclusion, stigma and bullshit stereotypes.

I am not saying this pressure justifies cheating etc. I am saying that people like Sandy and Huskylover are actively contributing to a culture in which men do hide their sexuality, do deal with it badly, so stupid and horrible things. Because they are told every single day that if they are honest about who they are, they will be unloved, alone, attacked, rejected, perceived as "wrong" or "disgusting" or "lesser". That's an insane thing to live with.

Thankfully not all straight people are like but the attitudes on this thread are a massive contributor to situations we've heard about. It sucks and yes. You're homophobes. You can deny it all you want, but homophobia isn't just "punching people for wearing a rainbow t shirt".

I don't for one minute agree that sexual preferences are homophobic, that sounds far too much like Riley J Dennis and his 'sexual preferences are transphobic' for my liking.

But even if you think there is some underlying homophobia why does it matter? Why aren't women allowed to make judgements about who they have sexual relationships with? They can be as discriminatory as they like. I have a lesbian friend who won't entertain the idea of a relationship with a bisexual woman, is she a bigot too?

The idea that women are somehow responsible for men hiding their sexuality and behaving badly is nonsense- is there anything women don't get blamed for? Are women not allowed to reject their partner when he reveals that he has hidden his sexual orientation and basically tricked them into marriage? Are they not allowed to find the idea of their husband shagging a man a turn off, because that would be homophobic? What would be an acceptable reason to not want to be in a relationship with a bisexual person then? Or isn't there one?

I don't see why sexual preferences matter, though, in the context of a committed relationship. Heterosexual or bisexual, if a man chooses to be with a woman monogamously, that's all that matters. I think the attitude that women have to be worried about their husbands being attracted to others - and that, with a bisexual husband, there are twice as many others to be fearful of - are a bit old-fashioned. If you don't have trust and faith in your relationship and in fidelity as something that is owed to you, then you don't have much of a relationship - whatever the other party's sexuality.

Sexual preferences may not matter to some and that is fine. Equally they do matter to others and that should also be fine. Women are entitled to have deal breakers and things that are a turn off for them without being labelled bigots for it. There are plenty of things that would turn me off about a partner and that is my right. My personal relationships are not an exercise in equal opportunities.

Yup. Your lesbian friend probably is biphobic. It's a massive issue in the gay community. Gay men are also shitty about bi men.

And I think you don't have to be in a relationship with anyone. But if you blanket reject the idea of a relationship with a specific group for reasons which have nothing to do with your relationship and are entirely to do with your preconceptions, that's probably prejudice. I'd say the same about your lesbian friend if she won't date Jews. The problem is probably with her.

There may be reasons for rejecting an entire group of people from a stigmatized minority that aren't prejudice. But if the reasons given are always grounded in bigoted stereotypes like "bi men aren't manly" or "bi women cheat" or, to go back to my previous analogy to make it clear "Jews are mean and controlling" then yeah. I'm not going to pretend that is a totally legitimate pretence with no societal implications at all.

Ah well if the choice for me is having sex with someone I don't want to, continuing a relationship where I feel I have being deceived, or being labelled homophobic I'll take the label.

Any choice that somebody makes about who they will and won't sleep with is legitimite. When I'm going to have sex with someone my only concern is my wellbeing, not my responsibility to society.

And my lesbian friend has experienced heartbreak in the past when bisexual women she has dated have ended up choosing a man to settle down and have kids with. She has decided to rule them out as future partners which is absolutely her right. Why is that a 'massive issue'? Nobody owes anyone else sex or a relationship.

I wouldn't want a bisexual husband. I want a heterosexual husband...and that is not homophobia.

Why not? What difference does it make? If he's a cheater, he'll cheat whether he's straight, bisexual or gay.

I don't think there's any culture or part of society that forced the bloke I married to make the choices he's made and tell the lies he's told. Stigma, not belonging to a certain community, bigotry, prejudice, what a load of bollocks. It's 2017 not 1950.

He's a selfish man who I'll never forgive. Everything he's done and chosen to do has been about him.

If it makes me homophobic because I wouldn't have chosen to be with him had I known he was bisexual/gay then I'll take that because he's done exactly what I would worry about could potentially happen when In a relationship with someone bisexual.

In fact id say point proven. I obviously couldn't fulfil his sexual needs so like math said above, hes engaged in the most dangerous, seedy side of sex to get his thrills and put my health and sanity at huge risk. Maybe the majority of bisexual people wouldn't do it but unfortunately the one I married did.

Maybe if he'd been openly gay and in a relationship with a man he'd have cheated with a woman at some point. I haven't got a clue what goes through his head but what I do know is I wouldn't have wanted a relationship with him in the beginning if I had known. He took that choice away from me.

There's been so many maybes, what ifs and how could you do this questions in my head over the past 18 months whilst he wallows around like some sort of victim I could scream most days. He's probably been reading the same bullshit forums that Eskimos dh has!

Whether I'm right in how I feel, who knows, but that's what goes round my head everyday and unfortunately every single night.