Found out DH is bisexual and a liar - can I ever be happy with him?

[eskimomama]

DH and I have been together 10 years, we have a DD who has severe autism. I'm a SAH mom to be full time carer of DD, I do 99% of the childcare and household chores, while he's busy being the breadwinner and full time complainer.
First of all I must say I have been madly in love with this guy, I really loved him and still do, so what will follow is really a huge shock to my system.

2 months ago I discovered that DH was bisexual, because he had gay porn on the computer and gay chat apps on his phone. It was a massive shock to me as I had absolutely no idea. I know nothing about bisexuality so first I thought he was a repressed gay and I had just been used as a cover for his need to conform.
It caused me massive anxiety and had to confront him after 5 days, I forced him to admit it. It was a very emotional talk where he promised he never cheated, would never cheat or do anything to hurt me or DD or destabilise our little family. I trusted him, he really sounded sincere.

Yet just a few weeks later I started having negative thoughts again, I spied his phone again and was horrified by what I found : he had contacted a male prostitute!! He wrote to him "my wife agreed that this would be my outlet"!! To which the guy replied if I wanted to participate and he answered "probably not if ever, sorry"... WTF!!

How could he promise to be faithful with big tears in his eyes and 3 weeks later contact a male hooker???

I had to confront him again, I didn't mention the spying and what I discovered, but said I had had a very bad gut feeling and wanted him to reassure me he wouldn't cheat. He got angry and aggressive, saying "will I have to repeat the same thing over and over again for the rest of my life"... I told what I thought of promiscuous gay sex behind my back, told him to look me in the eyes and tell me the truth : He looked me straight in the eyes, his face didn't twitch, his eyes didn't blink and he LIED to me. He said he wasn't planning to cheat and that I should calm down. That's what I wanted to hear but I knew it was a lie, what an AWFUL feeling.
On top of that he started mixing up all our problems : special needs child, isolation because of it, he said "we don't have a relationship" bla bla bla, to which I said it was very offensive and unfair to me, as well as sounding like he wanted to justify future cheating.
(for what it's worth we have sex 4-5 times a month)

The next day he had deleted the chat with the prostitute on his phone. Which at this stage doesn't mean anything to me. I'd say only 50% chance he didn't meet him.
I told him I'd be ruthless if I found out he has cheated and exposed me to STDs.
I do NOT think he gets the point.

How did I end up with a man who is completely different to what I thought? On the outside he's mister charmer, everybody loves him and finds him kind and caring. His family would never believe it.

I've been reading lots about bisexuality and I just can't make up my mind. I can hardly find any husband with some sort of mental stability. I find 3 types of marriages :

• those where the wife allows the husband to have sex with men every now and then or simply an open marriage both sides : totally NOT for me. I just cannot bear the thought and can't believe that's what he wanted all along
• those who split because the bi husband just cannot live without gay sex, even though he knows his sexual urge will destroy his family
• those who stay together because the husband has made a rational, conscious decision that his family is worth more than casual sex for the rest of his life, and is happy to stay monogamous - those seem very rare.

I need some help. I haven't told anybody and I am lost, and extremely anxious, which I really don't need as my stress levels with DD are already sky high.
Please don't tell me to just dump him because I am financially dependent on him and that would really not be easy. Maybe I will have to but I want to explore other options first.

Is there any hope that I can make him realise he just wants to have his cake and eat it? And that he is seriously hurting me and making me massively insecure?
In all evidence he says one thing and thinks another, so I can't have such conversations anymore.
Does anyone have experience with this kind of crap?

thank you

I would never go out with a bisexual man. Why is that statement unacceptable?

Neither would I, in the same way as I wouldn't go out with someone who is into a certain porn, whatever.

I would never go out with a bisexual man. Why is that statement unacceptable?

What do you mean by unacceptable? It's perfectly fine for you to choose to never go out with a bisexual man. That's obviously your right. The problem comes when you simultaneously claim that it doesn't make you prejudiced against bisexual men. It sounds like you do have a prejudice and your hiding it by labeling it a 'preference'. Why wouldn't you ever go out with a bisexual man?

I would never go out with a bisexual man. Why is that statement unacceptable?

How about if you heard someone say ‘I would never go out with a black man’?

No one is saying that you don’t have a right to feel that way and act on it, but it is important to acknowledge the reason(s) for the statement. As I said in an earlier post this is often the result of ‘visceral revulsion’ which is part of homophobia. It doesn’t mean that you ‘should’ go out with a bisexual man in order to prove that you are not homophobic, it just means that its helpful to be aware of the reasons for the feelings.

I have an Aunt (no longer in contact) who refused to pick up black children when she was a nurse - that was due to a visceral revulsion too. Of course now, that is unacceptable as it should be, but it illustrates the problematic nature of your statement.

I acknowledge that there is a difference between refusing to carry out a duty as a nurse and the refusal to have a relationship. Who one has relationships with is, and should be, out of the purview of legislation, but discussing the reasons for that refusal is important.

No one is invalidating your position, just asking that you consider why that it is.

It was a pp who called that statement unacceptable. I'm asking why it is. There are plenty of things that would rule out a sexual partner for me, this is one of them. Why are people obliged to examine and justify who they will and won't sleep with? Sexual attraction is a very personal and intrinsic thing. My personal relationships are not subject to equal opportunities legislation.

I saw an article online a while ago written about the 'cotton ceiling.' It was arguing that certain sexual preferences were transphobic. Underneath were comments by a woman who was a lesbian, but she had been called a bigot and transphobic for finding penises a turn off. She had taken this criticism very seriously and had decided to remain single whilst she worked through her 'issues' because she didn't want to discriminate against anybody. This was praised and encouraged. It was heartbreaking seeing this woman tearing herself apart and denying herself the right to sleep with whoever she damn well pleases without justifying it, and rage inducing seeing others encouraging this.

Nobody should have to examine, discuss or justify who they will or won't sleep with. I am allowed to find gay sex a turn off. Gay people are allowed to find straight sex a turn off. I'm allowed to not find a black man attractive (hypothetical for me) and a black man is allowed to not find white women attractive.

Nobody should be discriminated against in society, denied access to services, employment, the same freedoms and protections as anyone else. But their rights end at my vagina.

If I said I don't want to care for a bisexual patient because I find gay sex a turn off, or employ a gay/bi person because of their sexual practices, that would be bigoted because their sex life is of no relevance to the act that I am refusing to do. But it is connected to me have personal relationships with them because finding something about my partner a turn off would make sex unpleasant for me and I happen to believe I am entitled to enjoy sex and I also believe in the concept of enthusiastic consent, rather than gritting my teeth and bearing it so that my preferences aren't viewed as problematic.

The problem comes when you simultaneously claim that it doesn't make you prejudiced against bisexual men

Stitchglitched is saying (as am I) that she doesn't want to have a sexual relationship with a bi-sexual man. Because the thought of him having sex with a man, would be a turn off. That does not make her (or I) prejudiced against bi-sexual men. I'm sure we wouldn't give a stuff if a friend or colleague was bi-sexual.

How about if you heard someone say ‘I would never go out with a black man’?

You probably would never hear anyone say that, even if they didn't find black skin attractive, it would be too taboo to admit to that. I can tell you though, that the Asian community in my home town, were (back in the 80's) very open about saying "they would never date a white person" and that seemed to fly under the radar. In fact, when I was late teens, I had (or so I thought) the beginning of a relationship with an Asian lad. Until I saw him in town with his Asian wife and baby. He later "explained" that all Asian boys marry a good Asian girl, but often shag white trash on the side. Nice. Thankfully we had not had sex, and I never spoke to him again.

I have been called a bigot and homophobic on this thread, for saying that I would never want to have sex or have a relationship with a bi-sexual man.

I cannot imagine a scenario, whereby a Gay man would be called a bigot, if he didn't want to date women.

Why is that?

As I said above, this thread has been shocking to me. I always thought the rights of anybody to have absolute veto over their sexual partners was sacrosanct, apart from in the extreme cases of male entitlement displayed by some TRAs and MRAs. I never thought I would see women's sexual preferences called problematic, a massive issue or described as bigoted on MN.

Nobody should be discriminated against in society, denied access to services, employment, the same freedoms and protections as anyone else. But their rights end at my vagina.

I agree.

Because the thought of him having sex with a man, would be a turn off.

So fine. You find the idea of male homosexual sex distasteful. As is your right.

I cannot imagine a scenario, whereby a Gay man would be called a bigot, if he didn't want to date women. Why is that?

Because it's a different scenario. Gay man by definition are not attracted to women. You're not saying that you're not attracted to men, you're saying that you're not attracted to bisexual men because you don't like the thought of men having sex with men.

I cannot imagine a scenario, whereby a Gay man would be called a bigot, if he didn't want to date women. Why is that?

Because the two things are not comparable.

We are talking about women who are otherwise attracted to men and if a particular man weren’t bisexual would be attracted to him.

I am not calling anyone, nor have I on this thread called anyone a bigot.

Let’s go over it one more time: we have a right to determine who we have sex with and a right to determine which sexual acts we take part in. However what I am suggesting is that we should be clear about why we have certain feelings.

I know gay people who find the idea of straight sex a turn off too. Isn't that kind of the whole point of sexual preferences? That some acts/ combination of the sex of the partners arouse you and others don't? Why are posters surprised that some straight people are turned off by gay sex?

Because it's a different scenario. Gay man by definition are not attracted to women. You're not saying that you're not attracted to men, you're saying that you're not attracted to bisexual men because you don't like the thought of men having sex with men

I don't mind men having sex with men. I honestly couldn't care less. I just don't want to have sex with men, that have sex with men.

We are talking about women who are otherwise attracted to men and if a particular man weren’t bisexual would be attracted to him

Yes, I agree, this is 100% it. Similarly, if I was on a first date with someone, and he said he was in to wearing a gimp mask, I'd run a mile, as they give me the heeby jeebies. If a guy wanted me to dress as a school girl, I'd also run a mile.

I know it wasn't you Iris but someone up thread was shouting bigot and homophobe, purely because I would be massively turned off if a man revealed he enjoyed sex with men.

Funnily enough, I actually assumed that most men would be ok with a bi-sexual female partner, but when I asked DH, for him that was a resounding no.

Nobody should be discriminated against in society, denied access to services, employment, the same freedoms and protections as anyone else. But their rights end at my vagina

@IrisAtwood . A woman’s right to refuse sex , on whatever basis she chooses , is absolute .
To call that - in any way , shape or form - “bigotry “ is the sort of rapey crap I’d expect to hear from men , especially those who espouse such bullshit as the “cotton ceiling”.
In short , it is rape culture , misogynist, and deeply NOT cool . 😡😡😡

And I quote

“is no more acceptable to say ‘I’d never go out with a bisexual.’ than ‘I’d never go out with a black.’ for example. They are both bigoted statements.”

Like it or nit they are also the absolute right of women to make , and bit for you to label . That’s guilt tripping rape culture right there .

*im bisexual . Is it bigotry if a lesbian wouldn’t date me , whatever tropes it May be based on ? Huge stretch . Huge . And I’d still have to accept it .

I've been reading through all of the posts today and even though Eskimo seems to be a bit forgotten I hope it's helped her like it has me a little bit.

I see so many opinions that mirror my own which has always been honesty at the beginning would have saved all of this nightmare he's put us through.

According to some I'm a homophobe because I find the thought of the man I married having sex with other men stomach turning and if I'm really honest, yes I do. Another woman would have broken my heart but him with other men has broken absolutely everything about me. The betrayal is so deep and started the second we met.

Would I have felt the same if he hadn't cheated with men and just confided in me that he was bisexual. I'm pretty sure I would have run but I'll never know, he didn't give me that chance.

Eskimo asked at the beginning if she could ever be happy with her dh knowing what she knows and at least this thread has shown that whilst I'm definitely in the not a fucking chance camp, others on here would be able to as long as infidelity was never an option.

I hope your ok Eskimo

Some of the posters on this thread are a disgrace. And those posters are the ones who are calling women bigots and homophobes for daring to believe they have the right to decide who they have sex with.

I'm no feminist but I thought we were long past the notion that a woman shouldn't be allowed autonomy over her own body.

As for saying that people should examine their reasons for having a preference? No they don't. I can decide that I am not attracted to whoever I like. My reasons are my own and I don't have to justify them to anyone. In the same way that I wouldn't be with a man who wanted me to dress up, was into s&m, was a member of a cult, was only three feet tall.....

Speckleduck

I really feel for you and the Op. Because you were never given the choice.

By the time you found out the truth, you were already emotionally invested, shared children and had interwoven lives and finances etc. That's too fucking late!

In addition, your "D"H was engaging in some seriously dodgy sexual behaviour, possibly exposing you to STD's. It's unforgivable. And in your shoes, I would 100% be blaming his bi-sexuality for this : it was an avenue that he had to explore, before it was too late.

Can't you leave him? I really think that the only way you will ever heal, is to leave him behind, and (when ready), find someone new. That worked for me (different circs, mine involved first H cheating on an epic scale), but time and a lovely new man, really are healers. Been with DH for 9 years now, and those old dark days seem so long ago. Please think about it.

MisDes someone up thread mentioned a Lesbian friend, who chose not to date bi-sexual women, as her previous girlfriend ran off with a man when she got broody. I can totally see why she would want to avoid dating a Bi woman, after that experience!

What is the cotton ceiling?

The cotton ceiling is a term for the barrier faced by transwomen in getting lesbians to view them as potential sexual partners, it's based on the glass ceiling but the cotton refers to underwear. Lesbians are being bullied and labelled transphobic for refusing to sleep with 'female penises.'

I found the following link pretty interesting because it follows a similar pattern to some of the posts on this thread. The trans activist is basically saying 'of course you have a right to sleep with whoever you like, but you really need to examine the reasons why you feel like that, the wider issues etc etc.'

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/factcheckme.wordpress.com/2012/03/13/the-cotton-ceiling-really/amp/

Thanks Husky, I'm taking small steps forward and am now working. It was always going to be harder finding a job when I have a dc with SN, but I've done It and even though it's a really pants job with terrible hours to fit around dc, I quite enjoy It!

I was confident I could get out of this marriage as soon as I started work right up until I read through and worked out my entitlement to universal credit as a single mum. That was a massive blow.

I've come to the conclusion someone in Government hates women especially single parents!

I'll get out in the end, I have to for my own sanity and I'm starting to accept help from close family who know exactly what's been going on.

Ah, thank you stitch

Well, I would never date a trans male. I don't want sex with anyone who was born a woman. Which makes me think, that trans people are probably quite fucked (excuse the pun).

I read somewhere that most males who transition to female, end up being lesbians. This makes my brain hurt. Why? Why not just stay male then, if you want to have sex with women?

Of course a lesbian won't want to sleep with a trans female, that still has a penis. Or even one that has had a full sex change, for that matter, given that they were born male and in fact are still male, albeit with penis removal.

I don't think someone should be called Trans, until they have had full gender re-assignment. All this "I identify as" is bonkers.

In that article, my jaw dropped at this line :

"So, no, I do not consider trans women with penises to be male-bodied, unless that is how they identify"

and this one :

"Trans women’s bodies are female bodies, whether or not we have penises"

What the actual fuck? You have to wonder, whether the trans person here is mentally unwell.

Yet another case of men feeling entitled to women's bodies, at all costs.

stitch are you aware, that your "D"H has to pay you the cash equivalent of half of his pension pot, if you split? Normally this would come from any equity sitting in a pot, after the sale of the marital home. If you rent, I guess he would have to get a loan. You also get extra in any settlement, if you gave up a career to care for DC, and he didn't. This is called "economic recompense". A shit hot lawyer would draw up a separation agreement working all of this out.

For me there is no link between between the issue under discussion here which is that of bisexuality and peoples feelings towards it and the discussion around the 'cotton ceiling' which is essentially men claiming that lesbians (women EXCLUSIVELY attracted to women) should sleep with men who by definition they are not attracted to. Lesbians are never going to be attracted to men no matter how much like a woman these men 'feel'.

Rapey culture

Sorry, but asking someone to consider why they find a class of people repulsive is not part of a rapey culture.

No one is insisting that anyone has sex with anyone else. No one is justifying the use of force or coercion.

All I am doing is asking that we try understand why a whole class of people or a whole class of sex acts is considered to be repulsive.

We can find something out about ourselves, about society and about how to achieve a world where there is a true equality if we do that.

The link is that it shows the same attitude towards the right of women to choose they sleep with. Women can be labelled bigots and -phobic for their sexual preferences. It is certainly a more valid comparison than the one given earlier of somebody's nurse Aunt who didn't like comforting black children.