Found out DH is bisexual and a liar - can I ever be happy with him?

[eskimomama]

DH and I have been together 10 years, we have a DD who has severe autism. I'm a SAH mom to be full time carer of DD, I do 99% of the childcare and household chores, while he's busy being the breadwinner and full time complainer.
First of all I must say I have been madly in love with this guy, I really loved him and still do, so what will follow is really a huge shock to my system.

2 months ago I discovered that DH was bisexual, because he had gay porn on the computer and gay chat apps on his phone. It was a massive shock to me as I had absolutely no idea. I know nothing about bisexuality so first I thought he was a repressed gay and I had just been used as a cover for his need to conform.
It caused me massive anxiety and had to confront him after 5 days, I forced him to admit it. It was a very emotional talk where he promised he never cheated, would never cheat or do anything to hurt me or DD or destabilise our little family. I trusted him, he really sounded sincere.

Yet just a few weeks later I started having negative thoughts again, I spied his phone again and was horrified by what I found : he had contacted a male prostitute!! He wrote to him "my wife agreed that this would be my outlet"!! To which the guy replied if I wanted to participate and he answered "probably not if ever, sorry"... WTF!!

How could he promise to be faithful with big tears in his eyes and 3 weeks later contact a male hooker???

I had to confront him again, I didn't mention the spying and what I discovered, but said I had had a very bad gut feeling and wanted him to reassure me he wouldn't cheat. He got angry and aggressive, saying "will I have to repeat the same thing over and over again for the rest of my life"... I told what I thought of promiscuous gay sex behind my back, told him to look me in the eyes and tell me the truth : He looked me straight in the eyes, his face didn't twitch, his eyes didn't blink and he LIED to me. He said he wasn't planning to cheat and that I should calm down. That's what I wanted to hear but I knew it was a lie, what an AWFUL feeling.
On top of that he started mixing up all our problems : special needs child, isolation because of it, he said "we don't have a relationship" bla bla bla, to which I said it was very offensive and unfair to me, as well as sounding like he wanted to justify future cheating.
(for what it's worth we have sex 4-5 times a month)

The next day he had deleted the chat with the prostitute on his phone. Which at this stage doesn't mean anything to me. I'd say only 50% chance he didn't meet him.
I told him I'd be ruthless if I found out he has cheated and exposed me to STDs.
I do NOT think he gets the point.

How did I end up with a man who is completely different to what I thought? On the outside he's mister charmer, everybody loves him and finds him kind and caring. His family would never believe it.

I've been reading lots about bisexuality and I just can't make up my mind. I can hardly find any husband with some sort of mental stability. I find 3 types of marriages :

• those where the wife allows the husband to have sex with men every now and then or simply an open marriage both sides : totally NOT for me. I just cannot bear the thought and can't believe that's what he wanted all along
• those who split because the bi husband just cannot live without gay sex, even though he knows his sexual urge will destroy his family
• those who stay together because the husband has made a rational, conscious decision that his family is worth more than casual sex for the rest of his life, and is happy to stay monogamous - those seem very rare.

I need some help. I haven't told anybody and I am lost, and extremely anxious, which I really don't need as my stress levels with DD are already sky high.
Please don't tell me to just dump him because I am financially dependent on him and that would really not be easy. Maybe I will have to but I want to explore other options first.

Is there any hope that I can make him realise he just wants to have his cake and eat it? And that he is seriously hurting me and making me massively insecure?
In all evidence he says one thing and thinks another, so I can't have such conversations anymore.
Does anyone have experience with this kind of crap?

thank you

Has anybody said they find certain people repulsive? No. They have said they find certain sex acts a turn off.

I am bisexual. DH is bisexual (lots of bisexual people end up in relationships together because straight people seem to think we are either constantly cheating or up for threesomes).

Neither of us have ever cheated. Even before we got together, neither of us had any casual gay sex (within relationships only).

It isn’t “different for men” - treat this exactly as you would treat your husband messaging female escorts. He’s a scumbag.

I don't find bisexual men repulsive. I just don't want to have sex with a man, who has sex with men. It really is that simple.

sashkin I think the big difference here, is that you and your DH are both openly Bi. You've probably both had relationships with men and women, before settling down. Also, you were both honest from the start with one another, about being Bi. You got to choose.

The Op however, has had this dropped on her several years later, like a bombshell. She didn't get to choose whether she married a bisexual man, because that little nugget of info was hidden from her.

The Op's DH has hidden his orientation from everyone, for years and year and years, and now, it can no longer be contained, which is what I suspect often happens in these cases, where a certain desire has never been explored before settling down. I do believe that his cheating is fueled by his orientation which has not been explored. Because he isn't cheating with women, is he?

We are all aware, that a lot of men (& women) have a mid-life crises. They've been with their wives 20+ years. They are hurtling towards 50. They sure as hell ain't getting any younger. They get a sports car, get fit, start flirting with younger women....the classic MLC....surely with a hidden desire, that has been suffocated for so long, it's a recipe for a MLC of epic proportions.

Personally I don't think people can help if they're not attracted to bisexual men. You can't help who you feel attracted to after all.

If, however, like some on here, you think bisexual people are more likely to cheat, or are unmanly, or choose to be bisexual, then frankly your an ignorant shit.

speckledduck I'm a bit more calm today. Last night I was a mess. I was getting physically sick after 2 weeks of extreme anxiety and mind wrecking questions and daily crying sessions. On top of that I was extremely annoyed about a Christmas card my DH received from a girl he knows who didn't bother mentioning my name on the card (this follows a long list of similar things with her). I kind of cracked and DH was very embarrassed and admitted it was all wrong and that I had way too much on my plate. I told him I was sick of not knowing what the hell is going on in his head and having to worry about every "work drink" he goes to. He was very kind. Asked me how he could reassure me he wouldn't cheat. I said I didn't know. If you guys have any suggestions...

I think you're right saying some wives can perhaps work it out if their bisexual dh isn't a cheater but that for most the bisexuality would be a turn off.

If anyone had asked me what I'd do if it happened to me I would have said "not a chance". That was the theory. But now it really is happening to me so I must think harder than theoretically.
I don't have a problem learning as much as I can about bisexuality, it's great to hear that bisexuals are not all serial cheaters or into threesome's.

I'm not sure if I was luckier than you or more tortured because I had easy access to what h was really doing and thinking because of his gmail and Google accounts that he didn't know I still had access too.

He caused all my pain and then reassured me through his tears begging for forgiveness. His sincerity seemed so real and every part of me wanted to believe him and to be totally honest I did believe him.

I'd later go on my phone to check what he was doing when He was in the spare room and within minutes he'd be back online and scrolling through his gay porn sites and back on Grindr.

How any man can watch his wife and dc go to bed after saying all that then crawl into bed and start all over again is beyond me.

If I hadn't have known what he was doing and instead believed what he was saying then maybe our marriage would have survived. It would have been based on total lies and deception but I'd have never known about it.

I'm glad your calmer today. My anxiety was so high I ended up on tablets for months. I've only just come off them because I need to feel my real feelings instead of the wonderful numbness of the meds.

I wish I had some words of comfort for you or solid advice but based on my own experience I wouldnt trust a word that comes out of his mouth, just be careful.

Synonyms for repulsive include: unpleasant, disagreeable, distasteful, dislikeable, off-putting, uninviting displeasing.

Synonyms for repulsive include: unpleasant, disagreeable, distasteful, dislikeable, off-putting, uninviting displeasing

All of these phrases, pretty much sum up how I would feel about a penis entering my vagina, that had been inside a mans anus last week.

Ok. Calling women homophobic, bigots, responsible for the behaviour of men who they reject, telling them their sexual preferences are a 'massive issue', problematic, unacceptable, all things said on this thread, is utterly repulsive.

stitch and speckle and eskimo .....we would have a great night on the xx

And telling someone that they're going to turn into a cheater as soon as they hit middle age isn't?

I'm getting really angry now, that there are women like Iris on here, that think it's cool that men fuck men

Maybe lay off the Husky, you’re just being grossly offensive to all bisexual people now.

Have sex with whoever you want to, but if it makes you “angry” that other people are willing to marry dirty slutty bisexuals like me, you can fuck off yourself.

Hold a between your knees if you hate bisexuals so much.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 Fri 15-Dec-17 08:48:59

• So why didn't he cheat with women?

• He probably did. Once a cheat, always a cheat. He likes both genders, and it just so happens that in that particular moment, he chose a man

You are probably wrong to assume that.
(And it is 'both sexes', not 'both genders'.)

This is not one particular 'moment' and this is not just any old cheat, and the world of closeted bisexual and gay married men is one I hope you will never have to explore in order to find out how urgently you need to get a STD test appointment.

The man has been actively seeking m2m sex, specifically and exclusively. The OP has uncovered gay porn and gay chat apps, and contact with a male prostitute.

He is a bisexual (or possibly gay) cheater, and you are failing to understand that closeted bisexual or closeted gay men cheat on their wives with men. The subculture of married men seeking m2m sex is perhaps one you are not familiar with. But what many of the men seek is not just the sex but the risk of being caught, the risk of unprotected sex, and the thrill of deceit and the double life.

You (or other posters here) cannot extrapolate from your experience as a bisexual woman leading a life based on integrity and mutual respect with a husband or partner what the interests of closeted bisexual married men consist of.

This is why women find the thought of a sexual relationship with a bisexual man very troubling - there is a need that the woman can never meet. There is ample justification for this because even if they do not realise it, there is a very lively and very sordid world available in which all those itches (sex, risk) can be scratched.

A lot of MSMs insist that they are completely straight, not bisexual, actually. That’s why the term “MSM” exists (previous job in sexual health).

The problem is the “looking for risky sex” part, not the “bisexual” part.

OP’s husband is despicable. Men like him are despicable. Nobody in their right mind would knowingly marry somebody like him. Or somebody who visits lap dance clubs or escorts. But it is grossly offensive to extrapolate from that to all bisexual men.

I assume you don’t think that all gay men are out having chemsex orgies in saunas all weekend - why do you think all bisexual men are?

All I am doing is asking that we try understand why a whole class of people or a whole class of sex acts is considered to be repulsive.

We can find something out about ourselves, about society and about how to achieve a world where there is a true equality if we do that

Let me put it this way - I have no interest whatsoever in anal sex, and if I were dating a man who expressed an interest I would break up with him over this.

I do not like the thought of it due to the primary function of the anus, and to be brutally frank, I do not understand how others can get past the association of the anus with shit. I am not prepared to give someone the time or the encouragement to win me around on the subject. If this is what you want, look elsewhere.

If this is what you do behind my back after promising to love and honour and cherish me, then adios and don't let the door hit you on the way out. It is not just the cheating, or the lies, or the arrogance behind the cheating and the lies, or the misery you put me through when you implied and outright accused me of inadequacy as a woman and as a wife. The thought that you and I have very different sexual interests is up there in the mix, and your particular interest is one that I cannot fathom.

By the same token, I do not like men who grow their fingernails long or bite their nails either, or pick their noses, or have smelly feet or strong body odour, bad teeth, or who shout, curse a lot, are not interested in topics I am interested in, are interested in fake TV wrestling, vote for Donald Trump or any Republican, don't consider gymnastics or figure skating sports, hate their mothers, dated teenagers when they were grown men, are interested in bestiality, and there are many other lines in the sand.

None of that means I do not consider those men equal to me or deserving of their full human and civil rights. I just don't want to wake up one Saturday morning and find such a man in the bed next to me and I discriminate carefully to make sure men I find alien steer clear of my bed.

You are confusing 'whole class of people' with 'whole class of sex acts'.

It is perfectly possible to be repulsed by the thought of certain sex acts as far as your own body or the body of an intimate partner are concerned, and at the same time to wish other people who enjoy those acts every happiness and success in life, and even to participate in political action that seeks to uphold their legal rights.

IrisAtwood Fri 15-Dec-17 09:02:11
Your analysis of what makes a woman feel repulsed by certain sex acts is nonsense. We are adults who have for the most part grown up in liberal societies or in societies where all sorts of opinions are allowed and tolerated. My own homeland was the first in the world where gay marriage was voted in by referendum by approximately a 60-40 margin despite an education system that is church run and a society that was not exposed to western liberal thought for decades, with very active censorship. However, if Ireland's Taoiseach, Leo Varadkar, was bisexual and not gay, I would not entertain the thought of a relationship with him even though he would be a hot prospect in many other ways.

This visceral revulsion is homophobic, but as it is unconscious the individual is not responsible for it until they are aware of it. At this point they need to analyse and understand it as well as avoid acting on it in anyway
No we do not have any obligation to tie ourselves up in knots sifting through the alleged layers of conditioning in order to purify ourselves in some way or to ensure our private lives are beyond reproach of any kind. You do not have any right to sit in judgement of a woman who does not want a penis that enters the anus of a man in her body, any more than I have a right to judge the man who does that as long as he has not hurt me or my children in any way by doing so. I still don't have to give him any sort of a benefit of the doubt or second guess myself and move on to other items on my check list when deciding where the relationship should go.

(If he hurts me or my children by doing so then I have every right to judge him.)

I know what I like and what I do not like and I do not like the idea of a penis that has been in an anus entering any part of me. Or a finger or other body part.

I don't have to justify that aversion, and I don't owe it to anyone to get over myself.

I'm getting really angry now, that there are women like Iris on here, that think it's cool that men fuck men.

Yep, no homophobia here at all.

I'd have to have told him what I saw, even if it outed me as snooping. In fact, I'd have took it a step further and took evidence of what he wrote. He couldn't deny it then.

it is grossly offensive to extrapolate from that to all bisexual men.

I assume you don’t think that all gay men are out having chemsex orgies in saunas all weekend - why do you think all bisexual men are?

Nobody is saying all bisexual men are going to have orgies all weekend. People are saying there is a high risk of a bisexual man cheating because a woman is not going to fulfill all of his sexual needs. People are saying that at least with a straight cheater a woman can feel she has a chance of 'winning him back', however misguided that may be as an aim. This is not possible with a bisexual man.

An associated problem is that if you find out too late that your partner is bisexual, and if you find it out by coming across dating apps and chats with male prostitutes, you have no idea how much else he has kept from you, or for how long. Once bitten, twice shy afterwards. You are justified in suspecting that other bisexual men will experience the same unmet need and also justified in suspecting that they have a high chance of filling it. Look at all the men on all the fora the OP's husband frequents if you don't believe this is a very active subculture. Go online and look at the fora yourselves. I have, and I threw up a bit in my mouth.

Much of what is posted by people alleging homophobia is all very theoretical stuff, all very abstract. Maybe many of you have never looked across the breakfast table at a partner who does not know what you know about his 'late night at the office' or 'daily run where he felt really energised so decided to go another 2k' and felt your life fall down around your ankles as it hit you that you were living with a total stranger who you would never have chosen in a million years to have children with, or all those other important choices like taking maternity leave or becoming a sahm and scuppering your career, or putting off professional grad school, etc., if you had known the truth.

And not just a random total stranger, but one who was completely malignant, totally and utterly selfish to the point of sociopathy. What other word beside psychopath is appropriate for someone who would so comprehensively deceive another human being, take their life and waste it as if it did not matter at all? This is the man you welcomed at your side as you gave birth to your babies. This man ate dinners you cooked and you picked up his dry cleaning in the snow with a baby and three year old in tow. You look at all the family photos. Everything is tainted. It was all a lie. None of it was real in the way you thought it was. It takes years to reclaim a semblance of your own life and regain a sense of forward momentum when you have been the victim of such deep and evil deceit, and to reclaim or rewrite your own memories takes even longer.

I joined an online support group that was a godsend to me after discovering the truth about my exH and spending over a year tearing myself inside out whenever I thought about the scale of the deceit he had perpetrated on me, and worse, the way he had blithely gone ahead and fathered five children who did not ask to be born into the mess he had created unbeknownst to any of us but him. Hundreds of women in that group had heard the same lies, the same justifications, the same arrogance and scorn for their female partners' pov, felt the same devastation, humiliation, and white hot anger towards their Hs and Ps, and the same disgust at what the men had chosen in preference to their wives.

There were thousands of male partners and husbands involved at the time I joined and posted, way back in the 2000s. The group is still going strong. There are now similar groups in different countries. There are therefore tens of thousands of men doing this to women. Maybe hundreds of thousands, in the intervening fifteen years.

So save your offence please. You do not have the right to judge anyone or try to ridicule anyone's hard won observations. I heartily wish I could be as blithely and blissfully unaware as many of you seem to be of the indescribable devastation this deceit causes, and the way a woman feels when she attempts to trail a partner through the online world he finds more attractive than her or the home and the life she thought he was as invested in as she was.

It is beyond horrifying when you come across it - your own husband who is planning and executing a sex life that could not possibly include you in any way and that you have no hope of competing with, for want of a better term, a part of him from which you are completely and intentionally excluded. The woman discovering this and realising that this is what her H has chosen over her has every right to be repulsed and to become very protective of herself.

And out comes a homphobic trope - that sex between men is all about anal, including the reference to shit.

Finally revealing of an attitude that sex between men is disgusting.

Allied to the anger about anyone could think that men having sex with men is cool this supports my argument that this is homphobia.

So I was right.

@Mathanxiety - I assume that you haven’t read my posts. Of course someone discovering infidelity is devastating and the thought that your partner is having sex with someone else is repulsive.

However, that is not what I was discussing.

As this thread appears to be generating anger and insults now I won’t be continuing the discussion.

Ok I just want to remind you of this:
"i spied his phone again and was horrified by what I found : he had contacted a male prostitute!! He wrote to him "my wife agreed that this would be my outlet"!!"

How can you trust this person? You say he was very kind trying to reassure you he wont cheat but then read the above. It's total bollocks and if you do stay with him you will need a long time to rebuild trust, it's hardly going to happen overnight and why should it?

Math I cried reading your last post, you poor, poor soul. I sincerely hope that you have managed to move on, and find some peace.

Iris I am astounded that anyone could read what Math said, and post a snotty retort. You are without a shred of compassion. Shame on you. Absolute shame on you.

stitch are you aware, that your "D"H has to pay you the cash equivalent of half of his pension pot, if you split? Normally this would come from any equity sitting in a pot, after the sale of the marital home. If you rent, I guess he would have to get a loan. You also get extra in any settlement, if you gave up a career to care for DC, and he didn't. This is called "economic recompense". A shit hot lawyer would draw up a separation agreement working all of this out.

What, Husky? That is utter, utter rubbish. I read some dodgy legal advice on here but yours outright takes the biscuit for being total bull from start to finish.