Found out DH is bisexual and a liar - can I ever be happy with him?

[eskimomama]

DH and I have been together 10 years, we have a DD who has severe autism. I'm a SAH mom to be full time carer of DD, I do 99% of the childcare and household chores, while he's busy being the breadwinner and full time complainer.
First of all I must say I have been madly in love with this guy, I really loved him and still do, so what will follow is really a huge shock to my system.

2 months ago I discovered that DH was bisexual, because he had gay porn on the computer and gay chat apps on his phone. It was a massive shock to me as I had absolutely no idea. I know nothing about bisexuality so first I thought he was a repressed gay and I had just been used as a cover for his need to conform.
It caused me massive anxiety and had to confront him after 5 days, I forced him to admit it. It was a very emotional talk where he promised he never cheated, would never cheat or do anything to hurt me or DD or destabilise our little family. I trusted him, he really sounded sincere.

Yet just a few weeks later I started having negative thoughts again, I spied his phone again and was horrified by what I found : he had contacted a male prostitute!! He wrote to him "my wife agreed that this would be my outlet"!! To which the guy replied if I wanted to participate and he answered "probably not if ever, sorry"... WTF!!

How could he promise to be faithful with big tears in his eyes and 3 weeks later contact a male hooker???

I had to confront him again, I didn't mention the spying and what I discovered, but said I had had a very bad gut feeling and wanted him to reassure me he wouldn't cheat. He got angry and aggressive, saying "will I have to repeat the same thing over and over again for the rest of my life"... I told what I thought of promiscuous gay sex behind my back, told him to look me in the eyes and tell me the truth : He looked me straight in the eyes, his face didn't twitch, his eyes didn't blink and he LIED to me. He said he wasn't planning to cheat and that I should calm down. That's what I wanted to hear but I knew it was a lie, what an AWFUL feeling.
On top of that he started mixing up all our problems : special needs child, isolation because of it, he said "we don't have a relationship" bla bla bla, to which I said it was very offensive and unfair to me, as well as sounding like he wanted to justify future cheating.
(for what it's worth we have sex 4-5 times a month)

The next day he had deleted the chat with the prostitute on his phone. Which at this stage doesn't mean anything to me. I'd say only 50% chance he didn't meet him.
I told him I'd be ruthless if I found out he has cheated and exposed me to STDs.
I do NOT think he gets the point.

How did I end up with a man who is completely different to what I thought? On the outside he's mister charmer, everybody loves him and finds him kind and caring. His family would never believe it.

I've been reading lots about bisexuality and I just can't make up my mind. I can hardly find any husband with some sort of mental stability. I find 3 types of marriages :

• those where the wife allows the husband to have sex with men every now and then or simply an open marriage both sides : totally NOT for me. I just cannot bear the thought and can't believe that's what he wanted all along
• those who split because the bi husband just cannot live without gay sex, even though he knows his sexual urge will destroy his family
• those who stay together because the husband has made a rational, conscious decision that his family is worth more than casual sex for the rest of his life, and is happy to stay monogamous - those seem very rare.

I need some help. I haven't told anybody and I am lost, and extremely anxious, which I really don't need as my stress levels with DD are already sky high.
Please don't tell me to just dump him because I am financially dependent on him and that would really not be easy. Maybe I will have to but I want to explore other options first.

Is there any hope that I can make him realise he just wants to have his cake and eat it? And that he is seriously hurting me and making me massively insecure?
In all evidence he says one thing and thinks another, so I can't have such conversations anymore.
Does anyone have experience with this kind of crap?

thank you

its mostly bi wives who say this. I'm really struggling to find a good page written by bi males to show my dh that bi men shouldn't be thinking any different.

And is there any hope hoping he'd get a wake up call (ie a big kick in the ass) and realise he's been completely wrong? Like the hetero husbands who totally stop cheating and feel remorse. I want him to feel guilt. Otherwise he'll always be a nightmare.

The best you can hope for here is that he will be someone else's nightmare. Personality and character transplants only really happen in Disney movies.

Bear in mind too that since he has lied about every important thing you have confronted him with so far, he may well be gay, not bi. 'Bi' is a label that appeals to the vanity of some men - they think they have a bigger libido; it also assuages the deep self loathing some gay men feel - they convince themselves they are are 'bi' because this is better than all the way gay, to them. This is why some gay men seek out a beard or the picket fence heterosexual life - wife and children and semi detached 3-bedroom plus dog are props in their act.

And saying that a man in a relationship with a woman can't be 'fulfilled' does kind of imply that he can't be monogamous.

He could be monogamous, but he will always feel that something is missing.

Depending on his character, he may well convey to his partner that she is somehow falling short, failing him in some way, and she will be driven crazy or to despair trying to figure out what it is that she is lacking. It will destroy her confidence as a woman who is a sexual human being, and her self esteem will be destroyed too.

Or he may be honest and admit that the relationship problems are his fault and that it is up to him to try to deal with it all. I have actually never come across the latter scenario.

Not read all the thread - I was overcome by rage at some of the bigoted bullshit I was reading and skipped ahead rather than waste my time on those posters. But I will say the following.

1. My DH is bisexual. He's also ex-military, a krav maga black belt, used to play rugby at county level, and had can dead lift me with one hand. He's not a macho bullying prick, if that's what the 'I couldn't be with a bisexual man because I want a manly man' brigade mean - he treats me as an equal, is emotionally literate, and knows how to cook. But he's not remotely camp.

2. It's not homophobic to not want to shag someone who is bisexual. It is homophobic to not want to shag someone because you 'only fancy manly men' and 'wouldn't find a man who fancied men, manly'. The notion that gay or bisexual men are less manly in some weird way is pretty much the definition of 'homophobic'.

3. Loads of bisexual men and women are monogamous. I have two close male bisexual friends who are in committed same sex relationships (but still identify as bisexual) and I have three or four close male bisexual friends (plus DH) who are in monogamous relationships with women. Bisexual doesn't mean you can't be monogamous. It really doesn't. Yes, you don't get to have sex with one set of genitals, but equally, straight men don't get blondes, brunettes and redheads.

4. I think DH probably does look at gay porn but I'm not sure that's any worse than straight porn. If porn is a dealbreaker for you, then I don't think it makes much difference if it's male or female.

5. The issue here is clearly not the sexuality, it's the cheating. There is nothing wrong with open marriages, either, btw. But lying and sneaking around with rent boys behind your back is definitely not alright - it's deceitful, it's putting your sexual health at risk. It's also not responsible polyamory.

How vile, you poor thing.

Mathanxiety gives great advice.

I wouldn't give him another moment's head space trying to work out what this means for him. You ask what you should do:

• get yourself STD tested
• don't have sex with him again
• start getting your finances in order to facilitate an end to the relationship as soon as practicable.

He has lied to you and taken away your choice not to be in a relationship with someone bi. People can and do make different choices, but in possession of the full facts, not deceived. What a creep, and how dare he be angry with you when you raise the subject.

Off he goes!

Eskimo
I just can't find examples to show him bisexuality doesn't have to be fulfilled in long term relationships. Is it different for men??

You do not need some outside authority in order to communicate to him what you want in your relationship. The fact that you want certain elements and reject others is what makes it valid. As a pp said, you have the absolute right to decline sex or any sort of a relationship with this man (and any other man). You have the absolute right to have a relationship on terms that you choose. You have the right not to be forced into a type of relationship that you do not want.

He knows what you believed you were getting in for - because he led you to believe all of that was possible with him - and he knows he lied to you and he knows he is now moving the goalposts. He does not have the right to change the rules or press you to accept a change in the rules at this point. He is pushing very hard to make you feel your input into how the relationship is conducted is irrelevant, maybe telling you that all you are basing your claims on is your feelings (you mention he is rational and I wonder if that has been used against you - the fact is, he is behaving like an overgrown toddler here, the least rational person on the planet). You have an absolute right to your feelings. They do not require any sort of justification.

You do not accept what he wants. That is sufficient. Therefore he has to deal with that. Up to now he has dealt with it behind your back.

The problem is not whether bisexual men can be monogamous. Your DP has no intention of being monogamous and has probably been promiscuous for a long time. The monogamy ship has sailed.

The problem is that he will not accept your right to be treated with complete respect by him, and he does not accept that he owes you the truth about his behaviour or his real intentions. Put another way, he refuses to allow you the information you need in order to make a decision that is in your best interests. He is using you in a most cruel way.

So much good advice on here......

Get an STD test to relieve any health concerns.

Refrain from sex with him, though don't be surprised if suddenly he turns 101 heterosexual, again....

Tell him he is free to have bisexual relations with numerous gay rent boys AND be in a male - female relationship...... But only NOT with you !!!!

Tell him you want to be free to love and be loved in a totally hetrosexual and monogamous relation, full of loyalty and trust, something which he can't obviously provide.

Get the finances in order.

Ask him to leave for a while to give you both some headspace and perspective.

Don't tell him you've seen in his phone - go back in, copy the incriminating material to yourself, delete the evidence that you've done so, show your solicitor.

If you live in the UK it seems likely he would have to support you for a reasonable time in the event of divorce, given that you're the full-time carer for your child, so don't let that fear deter you from escaping this deplorable abuse of your marriage.

I second that, Gaudeamus.

leslienope thanks for the page. I wish my man was like that.

violetdaze thank you too. Can I ask you a couple of things:

• did you always know your husband was bi and how did you react when you learned about it?
• Has your DH been with men before you or asked you if he could since you were together?
• about your bi friends. My DH says that he is lacking bi friends (he has none). I'm asking him why it would make any difference as we don't talk about our sexuality to any of our friends, male or female, anyway. I would certainly be very offended if my DH started talking about his attraction to men at the dinner table to other friends, with me present (or not!). Do you just know that your friends are bi and never talk about it? Or does it come up in the conversation sometimes and how? I'm trying to understand. I guess I've never been exposed to bisexuality and don't understand the need to make people aware of it if you're in committed relationship already.

I'm sure if there was more bisexuality awareness (for adults/parents) there would be more understanding, less stereotypes BUT also more condemning of cheating bi husbands.

eskimomama - so, I didn’t know he was bisexual when we met (we met as teens) but he came out while we were growing up and I met some of his boyfriends, so he’s dated men and women. He actually got gay bashed in our home town by a prick on his rugby team because apparently the twat felt so threatened by the knowledge he’d shared a shower with a queer bloke.

Which answers your second question – he dated men before we got together. None since we’ve been together.

I generally exist in pretty queer friendly circles – I have dated women (and ID’d as lesbian for a bit in my teens) and so it’s never been a big deal for us. I actually find a lot of the attitudes on here really shocking, just because I’m really not used to them. I think queer people maybe do talk a bit more about sexual identity than straight people just because it’s more of a journey for us – realizing you aren’t straight can be a big scary thing, especially when you’re young. Being rejected by friends and family for liking the same sex is traumatic. Worrying about how society reacts to you is a thing. You talk about that stuff like straight people sometimes talk about their major life experiences – would you find it weird if someone talked about their experience of being bullied in school, for example?

And beyond that, yeah, of course your sexuality comes up, like straight people’s sexuality comes up all the time. I mention my ex girlfriend sometimes, in the same way straight people might mention someone from their past (of course, I know some straight people don’t mention exes at all, but I tend not to edit the past too much) or I might say “oh, X celebrity is cute” and that could be about men or women. DH is the same. Again, if you move in circles where no one acknowledges attraction or past partners and prefers to act like they’ve only ever sexually interacted with their current partner, I guess it would be different.

The other reason I do prefer to bring up my sexuality if I can, so it’s not a secret, is that it protects me a bit from casual comments which do hurt. Like…I generally don’t bring it up at work, and a while ago wound up working with a woman who liked to hold forth on how disgusting she found gay people, and how she couldn’t go to a gay club because there would be women looking at her, and she’d never be comfortable being around a woman who looked at her that way, and she used to refer to ‘ugly old lesbians’. It was really unpleasant and while on one level I was glad I knew that she was basically a bigot, if I’d been open about being bisexual, she might not have subjected me to quite that level of crap. I came home from work in tears because of her some days.

Listening to some of the comments on here about bisexual men, I think it must be pretty painful to be in the closet, and hear people who you think are your friends saying this stuff about you and people like you (‘I couldn’t fancy a bisexual man. I like my men manly, not camp’), and not be able to respond at all.

Ah yes, any woman not wanting her husband to shag men, is, of course, a bigot.

And yet, it is OK to call gay people Queer.

Doesn't matter if he is a gay bi or straight. He is planning to cheat and physically but already cheated by using gay chat apps etc . It's as simple as that.
You don't want an open relationship or him cheating behind your back.
This is something that is not going to work for you.
It's no different to find out he was behaving like this with females.
Of course the revelation of not really knowing him is very very difficult. But do not treat it any different because of him declaring he is bi.

Huskylover1 - a lot of gay people call themselves ‘queer’. It’s the normal inclusive term in circles I move in and is used by gay men and women as much as bisexual people. If someone doesn’t like it, I won’t use it. But I think your understanding of the term is a bit old fashioned.

And I think wanting your husband to be monogamous isn’t bigoted. But I think your reasons for why you’d not be comfortable around a man who had ever had sex with another man were bigoted. And, I’ll admit, I’ve never met anyone who had reasons for not wanting to be involved with a bisexual person who’s reasons weren’t based in prejudice.

But at the end of the day, your life is your own. You date who you want to date. I’d not want to be friends with someone like you in real life, because your attitude towards people like me, and my husband, and my friends is one that I am not comfortable with and couldn’t be around for long, but I’m pretty sure you’d not want to be around a filthy bisexual whore like me either. So we’re all good.

He actually got gay bashed in our home town by a prick on his rugby team because apparently the twat felt so threatened by the knowledge he’d shared a shower with a queer bloke

Whilst this is really horrible, and I'm sorry it happened, I am absolutely flabbergasted that you know that your DP desires men, and you are actually fine with the fact that he showers naked, with 14 fit naked men every Saturday.

Would you be okay with him showering naked, with 14 naked women?

Mind boggled.

Huskylover1 - can I check something. Do you think gay men should be allowed to play rugby? Or lesbian women should be allowed into changing rooms at the swimming pool or gym?

Of course they should. I'm just saying, that in your shoes, knowing your DP fancies men, I would be really concerned about him seeing all those fit naked male bodies, on a regular basis, and yes, I would wonder whether that would trigger some desire in him. And you cannot scratch that itch. I'm not saying that to be horrible, I genuinely would worry about that. In the same way, that I would be horrified if my straight DH had a naked shower with another woman/women. Would anyone be cool with that??

Violetdaze Thanks for responding. I need to hear perspectives like yours as so far my only "experience" with bisexuality has been my lying husband who doesn't seem to know what he wants in life (or wants to have his cake and eat it).
I think your experience with your DH has been very different as he's been with men before and seems to know himself better than my DH and probably has less frustration because of that.

You are 100% right about some people being less keen to talk about their sexuality or past relationships. It's certainly my case, and I kind of expect the same from DH and I don't understand why he doesn't get that it hurts me if he talks about past sexual experiences. He thinks I "need" to know and I think that's the last thing I want to know, and that instead he should tell me what he likes, not what he's enjoyed with someone else. Anyway, it's a different topic.

The bigotry you've been subjected to with that colleague is horrific, I understand you've been upset.
Probably another problem is that queer people want more tolerance and be treated as equals but at the same time many of them (or maybe the most vocal of them) put their sexuality upfront as if it was an excuse for everything (not your case, but the case for cheating bi husbands, for example). I think that's what a lot of non homophobic people find really wrong and contradictory. Which can lead to homophobia for people who weren't homophobic in the first place.

Huskylover1 - Well, I guess much like gay men are cool with their partners playing rugby (which includes shared showers), and my girlfriend was OK with me swimming competitively (and sharing changing facilities with other women), and my husband now accepts that I may be in the same place as a naked woman in the gym (I still swim three times per week), I assume he’s not constantly leering at every person he encounters.

Because the alternative is that we’d both live a miserable and closeted existence where we couldn’t go out much. I think it’s actually quite a weird straight person thing that assumes that people are constantly eyeing up anyone of their preferred gender. I think it’s something you sort of have to get over if you’re not straight because otherwise how the hell do you live in this world?

For what it’s worth, having just checked with him, he informs me that there is a shower etiquette in rugby where you keep your eyes at shoulder level or above at all times.

Well, it's something that would only affect gay/bi people isn't it? I can only compare it to my DH showering with naked women, and that would do my head in!

eskimomama you seem to be trying to get on board with this. You don't have to, you know. It's perfectly okay to draw a line in the sand and not be fine with this. I would not be. You don't have to tie yourself up in knots to conform to his wants. You may end up totally demented by it all. It's okay to walk away. It's okay to put your own needs and wants first.

Huskylover I get your point and I certainly shared the same thoughts at the beginning. But I want to get over my ignorance of bisexuality for 2 reasons :

• I will become homophobic if I don't understand what is bisexuality and what it is not (abuse, cheating, etc.). Being homophobic only leads to more anger and bitterness, which I really don't need. I mean there was a point where I was getting angry watching gay/bi characters on TV thinking they were all selfish promiscuous bastards. I had to get over that!
• If I am bisexuality literate I can be equipped to tell my DH off and not be manipulated anymore.

I like the shoulder level rule! :)

I don't think you understand bisexuality, OP. It simply means you are attracted to both men and women; it does NOT mean that you want casual sex with your own sex.

I am bisexual, but I am married to DH. I find women attractive just as I find men attractive, but just like I wouldn't expect DH to put up with me having casual sex with other men, I wouldn't expect him to put up with me having casual sex with women either just because I'm bisexual.

Being bisexual is just the same as being straight, in that instead of just finding one gender attractive, you find two genders attractive.

It does not increase the chances of someone cheating and it does not mean they can't be monogamous.

I was in exactly the same position as you 18 months ago and to a certain extent I still am. The only difference is we have absolutely no marriage anymore on a physical or emotional level. We also have a dc with SN and I was also the main carer doing all childcare, hospital appointments and endless sleepless nights.
So much of what you've said resonates with me. I've torn myself apart looking through our photo albums, those first dates, wedding pics, birth of our dc, family celebrations and holidays. All of its bullshit, one big fat lie.
Coming to terms with that has been the most painful and infuriating thing. The only way I can describe it is total and utter mental chaos. Conflicting emotions of Hate, disgust, rage then the love you felt you had for someone you really don't know and having to accept that. What kind of selfish person drags someone else and children into this level of deceit.
I posted on here just after I found out and got some good advice but I didn't post back because I was in such a state. The more I looked into what he'd been doing during those first 12 years together the worse it got, revelation after revelation and lie after lie.
Get yourself tested for STDs, it's got to be your number one priority. I was offered the hep vacs in case I chose to continue a sexual relationship with him. I declined and haven't let him near me since the day I found out. Its one giant mess.
There's so much more I could say but this post is so long already.
I want you to know you're not alone x

mathanxiety - are you serious? It's ok to be a bigot because of one bad experience?

Is the same true for racism and misogyny? Or is it just homophobia you're down with?

"I'm sure if there was more bisexuality awareness (for adults/parents) there would be more understanding, less stereotypes BUT also more condemning of cheating bi husbands."

Spot on. Everyone - apart from the cheats, thankfully - would benefit.

He's being pretty cynical - and biphobic himself, imo - by exploiting the ignorance about bisexuality that's out there. "I can't help abusing my partner because that's what people like me are like." No, no they're not.