Found out DH is bisexual and a liar - can I ever be happy with him?

[eskimomama]

DH and I have been together 10 years, we have a DD who has severe autism. I'm a SAH mom to be full time carer of DD, I do 99% of the childcare and household chores, while he's busy being the breadwinner and full time complainer.
First of all I must say I have been madly in love with this guy, I really loved him and still do, so what will follow is really a huge shock to my system.

2 months ago I discovered that DH was bisexual, because he had gay porn on the computer and gay chat apps on his phone. It was a massive shock to me as I had absolutely no idea. I know nothing about bisexuality so first I thought he was a repressed gay and I had just been used as a cover for his need to conform.
It caused me massive anxiety and had to confront him after 5 days, I forced him to admit it. It was a very emotional talk where he promised he never cheated, would never cheat or do anything to hurt me or DD or destabilise our little family. I trusted him, he really sounded sincere.

Yet just a few weeks later I started having negative thoughts again, I spied his phone again and was horrified by what I found : he had contacted a male prostitute!! He wrote to him "my wife agreed that this would be my outlet"!! To which the guy replied if I wanted to participate and he answered "probably not if ever, sorry"... WTF!!

How could he promise to be faithful with big tears in his eyes and 3 weeks later contact a male hooker???

I had to confront him again, I didn't mention the spying and what I discovered, but said I had had a very bad gut feeling and wanted him to reassure me he wouldn't cheat. He got angry and aggressive, saying "will I have to repeat the same thing over and over again for the rest of my life"... I told what I thought of promiscuous gay sex behind my back, told him to look me in the eyes and tell me the truth : He looked me straight in the eyes, his face didn't twitch, his eyes didn't blink and he LIED to me. He said he wasn't planning to cheat and that I should calm down. That's what I wanted to hear but I knew it was a lie, what an AWFUL feeling.
On top of that he started mixing up all our problems : special needs child, isolation because of it, he said "we don't have a relationship" bla bla bla, to which I said it was very offensive and unfair to me, as well as sounding like he wanted to justify future cheating.
(for what it's worth we have sex 4-5 times a month)

The next day he had deleted the chat with the prostitute on his phone. Which at this stage doesn't mean anything to me. I'd say only 50% chance he didn't meet him.
I told him I'd be ruthless if I found out he has cheated and exposed me to STDs.
I do NOT think he gets the point.

How did I end up with a man who is completely different to what I thought? On the outside he's mister charmer, everybody loves him and finds him kind and caring. His family would never believe it.

I've been reading lots about bisexuality and I just can't make up my mind. I can hardly find any husband with some sort of mental stability. I find 3 types of marriages :

• those where the wife allows the husband to have sex with men every now and then or simply an open marriage both sides : totally NOT for me. I just cannot bear the thought and can't believe that's what he wanted all along
• those who split because the bi husband just cannot live without gay sex, even though he knows his sexual urge will destroy his family
• those who stay together because the husband has made a rational, conscious decision that his family is worth more than casual sex for the rest of his life, and is happy to stay monogamous - those seem very rare.

I need some help. I haven't told anybody and I am lost, and extremely anxious, which I really don't need as my stress levels with DD are already sky high.
Please don't tell me to just dump him because I am financially dependent on him and that would really not be easy. Maybe I will have to but I want to explore other options first.

Is there any hope that I can make him realise he just wants to have his cake and eat it? And that he is seriously hurting me and making me massively insecure?
In all evidence he says one thing and thinks another, so I can't have such conversations anymore.
Does anyone have experience with this kind of crap?

thank you

OP, I am on my phone at the moment and can't figure out how to PM, but I will send you a link to a support group for wives/partners when I get to my PC.

Lana you are right!! I will stop googling (and will only stick with mumsnet :D )

You see he spends time on these "pro open bi marriage forums" that make him believe its the new norm and argues my opinions are manufactured by society expectations - he keeps saying there are many couples happy in an open marriage but who wouldn't make it public to their friends (his point is some of our friends could be and we wouldn't know therefore I should be more open minded). I do believe he is manipulating me as I had zero bisexuality awareness until now but I think he is also self manipulating too. In these forums he's on, I can barely read them, its full of dudes advising other dudes not to tell their new girlfriends they're bi " because its none of the girlfriend's business ". The same dudes advising frustrated husband's to get a rent boy. Making it sound like its OK and justified. And even worse than that.
My initial reaction is to find this crap revolting and then I'm thinking " am I just living in fairyland? Is monogamy just a little girl's dream?". That kind of creepy manipulation.

That's why I'm really grateful to hear from moms here who are bi and visibly repulsed by such a behaviour.

One of the issues here though is that society does view this differently. Not that society believes that bisexual people are lying cheats, but if e.g. A man has sex with another man even though he is married we are somehow expected to be less judgemental of this fact.

I have in fact seen posts on MN where a woman has found out her partner is gay/bi and has cheated with someone of the same sex, and the attitude has been "he must have been struggling with his sexuality and therefore is deserving of some sympathy here," even though in other circs the man would be branded a lying cheating arsehole.

Only when we manage to get rid of this attitude though will sexuality be considered to be a non issue where cheating within a believed monogamous relationship is concerned.

mathanxiety thank you for that. Looking forward to the pm when you can.

Go with your gut.

He is gaslighting you.

loverofcake I had this precisely on my mind all along - I probably would have freaked out at the beginning of our relationship if I had knew. Probably based on the stereotype that bisexual men stray but it is true that I am more attracted to men who are only straight. Biased maybe but that's who I am.

I do think he's got a lot of work to do on himself to re understand what is right and what is wrong. He's been brainwashed by his forums and articles and its really difficult having a conversation about monogamy, it always makes me sound like a conservative right winger which I am not. I am really wondering if perhaps a therapist could help him re evaluate the real nature and importance of his bisexuality. He's a very rational adult otherwise and we are very alone in this. I know I would have all our family and friends on our side if I opened up about what's going on. But I'm not sure I should do that.

mindutopia I could say something similar about myself (zero experience though). I'm aware many people can't just live with fantasies alone but I know I certainly can. No bigger turn off than knowing your fantasies are hurting your partner....

There was actually an article in the Guardian this weekend about a guy asking for advice because he wanted a threesome and his girlfriend wasn't open to it. Some 900 comments from both men and women telling him to grow up and keep his fantasies for his brain or break up if he couldn't. I sent this to my DH hoping he'd get the message. There wasn't a single comment (and I read them all) saying its OK to push for your sexual fantasies if your other half isn't OK with this. It was very comforting as I'm feeling alone and sometimes feel I'm losing my sanity in this fluid sexuality jungle.

Contacting an escort can’t be new. This probably isn’t even the tip of the iceberg

Since when did being bi mean you have an open relationship? No no no.

*I have in fact seen posts on MN where a woman has found out her partner is gay/bi and has cheated with someone of the same sex, and the attitude has been "he must have been struggling with his sexuality and therefore is deserving of some sympathy here," even though in other circs the man would be branded a lying cheating arsehole.

Only when we manage to get rid of this attitude though will sexuality be considered to be a non issue where cheating within a believed monogamous relationship is concerned.*

That's exactly my problem!! There is so much AGAINST "the monogamy dogma" out there on the internet that everything seems to be excused. Its like the one expecting monogamy is making their other half miserable.... When and why did this happen? Why no more empathy for the feelings of the person who's been cheated on? Its crazy.
It's just rebranding narcissistic cheaters as " modern men living their life fully".

OP, do not have unprotected sex with your DH.. it isn’t worth the risk.

I personally couldn't be with a bisexual man.

I'm not sure that his sexuality is a red herring...because he's seeking out a man to have sex with... you can't compete with that...nor should you try to and I agree that he had a duty to tell you.

You could have decided if you wanted to be with him...he took the choice away.

I'd find this a very easy decision to make tbh. Much more than if it was an OW.... because I couldn't have sex with a man who sleeps with men.

Definitely stay off google eskimomama......
You are getting a good range of opinions here...

I don't have much more to add really....just to reiterate that you must not be swayed by bullshit on google, or manipulation.

Good luck op.

Big thank you to everyone who replied. It really helped me think more clearly and feel more powerful. At the very least less powerless.

Firstly, you sound like a fantastic lady.......

And some of the replies you have had have been brilliant.

None of this is on you, remember that, it's all on him. I can understand this revelation has completely dislodged the foundation bricks of your relationship.

He's cheating AND rubbing your nose in it AND putting you at risk of a serious STD. I think you seriously need to think about from refraining having sex with this man, until you / both sort the issues out.

Some one has said there are no differences between female and male bisexuality, I would, to some extent, disagree.....

Many bisexual women or latent bisexual women in marriages, generally fall for one partner, whether before or after telling their husband. They don't usually cruise gay hook - up sites or seek the services of lesbian prostitutes. With many women, it isn't just about female on female sex, they want the whole kaboodle, love, sex, friendship, belonging......

And I'm sure some bisexual men do, too....

However, many not all obviously, bisexual men do. Gay hook - up sites are heavily visited and populated by ' happily married men '

Sadly, I think things will get worse for you, before they get better. They way he is screwing with your head is unforgivable and is indicative of his intense and selfish need to persue his alternative desires.

Like heterosexuals, most bisexual people are not lying cheating bastards, but your husband surely is.......

serialcheater thank you. I do worry about bisexual men vs bisexual females regarding commitment. I do fundamentally agree with everyone who said men are subjected to the same rules as women and don't have any valid reasons to stray more. But its mostly bi wives who say this. I'm really struggling to find a good page written by bi males to show my dh that bi men shouldn't be thinking any different.

And is there any hope hoping he'd get a wake up call (ie a big kick in the ass) and realise he's been completely wrong? Like the hetero husbands who totally stop cheating and feel remorse. I want him to feel guilt. Otherwise he'll always be a nightmare.

Good grief, I could not have a relationship with a man who wants to fuck other men. Not very manly, is it? Total GAME OVER. I could never look at him the same way again.

Mathanxiety gave you great advice upthread. I would do this, and in addition, you need to get your financials in order, as you need to LTB.

Do you own property? Is there a lot of equity? You are entitled to cash from him, equating to half of his pension pot. Also you would be entitled to more cash as you are the person sacrificing your career to care for DC. He would have to pay you child support too.

Even if you take the Bi element out of this living nightmare, he was going to shag a prostitute. Even if it had been a female, that is surely GAME OVER for any relationship.

You can never ever, trust this man again. He lies to your face. He plans to cheat. He has a strong desire for a sexual act, that you can never satisfy, and he will seek this out for the rest of his life.

You seriously need to get away from him. So sorry. What a horrible shock.

Fwiw, I had an awful shock about 15 years ago, when I found out that my then "D"H had cheated with about 10 women. Truly awful time. I left him. I am now with a lovely DH and couldn't be happier. It's hard to leave, but absolutely necessary in order to carve out a much better future for yourself. A future without a lying, cheating, devious "man" as a Partner.

And is there any hope hoping he'd get a wake up call (ie a big kick in the ass) and realise he's been completely wrong? Like the hetero husbands who totally stop cheating and feel remorse

No, it's a ridiculous comparison. A hetro DH who cheats, and then regrets it, still gets to have sex with a woman (his forgiving wife), for the rest of his life, and thus satisfy his sexual desires.

You don't have a Penis, and will never be able to satisfy his urge to have sex with a Man. It will always be missing and he will always seek it out.

I don't think the bisexuality is really the issue. The issue is he's a cheat, shouldn't matter if he's cheating with a man or woman. I'm bisexual but perfectly capable of and happy with monogamy with the right person

1000000% this

What a nightmare situation, OP. Your OH might want an open marriage but you don't and that's what matters here. Don't feel pressurised into something you're not comfortable with. If my OH was hooking up with prostitutes behind my back it would lead to an immediate separation. The whole bi thing is a red herring - and I say that as a bi woman who has been monogamous for 13 years....

Good grief, I could not have a relationship with a man who wants to fuck other men. Not very manly, is it

What the effing FUCK? No need to be homophobic-.

Another happily monogamous Bi here.

It's interesting what you said about reading the forums op, you summarised the attitude well...

* In these forums he's on, I can barely read them, its full of dudes advising other dudes not to tell their new girlfriends they're bi " because its none of the girlfriend's business ".*

As many of us long term MNers know, you'll read the same on Punters forums too, where groups of men all persuade and console each other that it's their right to pay a woman for sex and that doing it behind their wives backs with family money is also ok because it doesn't split up the family.

I imagine somewhere on the deep dark web that there are other groups all in agreement that they are right and just in what they do. It's safety in numbers.

Being Bisexual isn't an addiction or a disability.

You don't need to be given extra consideration around the boundaries of morality because you find men & women attractive. If you can't control your urges you stay single and dip it where you want.

Also My EXH was an habitual liar, I even did the joke test - ask him what he had for breakfast (follow the direction of his eyes while thinking) then ask him the question you want an open honest answer to (if he lies his eyes will move in a different direction) so many times that it was a black joke between us at the end.

But when he lied, barefaced awful jeopardising lies....he always looked straight into my eyes without blinking. Just as you described. I had to mention it op as it made me shudder......

"He tells me bisexuality wasn't on his mind all these years but came back with a vengence in recent years because of all the stress we have with DD."

So he suddenly sees the appeal of cheating to get away from the stress of dealing with a child with special needs? Hes had a hard day at work and is now thinking "if I was with a man there would be no kids to cause problems, we'd be at a gay bar having brunch right now."

Hes just the same as anyone else who decides to cheat when real life gets hard, the fact hes bi has nothing whatsoever to do with it.

I am bi and have been together with my DH who is also bi for 16 years. We have a monogamous relationship but have both been in open relationships in the past. Neither of us is a lying cheat because of any of that.

Fwiw, what I gather from my friends who date women is that same-sex hook-up apps/sites for women struggle not because women are less likely to want that kind of resource or encounter, but because they keep being swamped by straight men looking for gay/bi women to fetishise.

It's much harder work for whoever's running them to keep on top of all the harassment of their members, because there's so much of it.

'You see he spends time on these "pro open bi marriage forums" that make him believe its the new norm and argues my opinions are manufactured by society expectations - he keeps saying there are many couples happy in an open marriage but who wouldn't make it public to their friends (his point is some of our friends could be and we wouldn't know therefore I should be more open minded).'

Ugh. You are so right that he's trying to manipulate you. You're posting on here though, so he's not managing to; well done!

Open relationships are things that are consented to. You did not consent to this situation, he knows that. Coerced/persuaded/manipulated consent - "everyone else is doing it!" - isn't consent, either, which, if he knows so much about sexuality, he must be aware of. It is page one stuff. It appears, however, that if he does know, he doesn't care.

I'm sorry he's putting you through this.