Found out DH is bisexual and a liar - can I ever be happy with him?

[eskimomama]

DH and I have been together 10 years, we have a DD who has severe autism. I'm a SAH mom to be full time carer of DD, I do 99% of the childcare and household chores, while he's busy being the breadwinner and full time complainer.
First of all I must say I have been madly in love with this guy, I really loved him and still do, so what will follow is really a huge shock to my system.

2 months ago I discovered that DH was bisexual, because he had gay porn on the computer and gay chat apps on his phone. It was a massive shock to me as I had absolutely no idea. I know nothing about bisexuality so first I thought he was a repressed gay and I had just been used as a cover for his need to conform.
It caused me massive anxiety and had to confront him after 5 days, I forced him to admit it. It was a very emotional talk where he promised he never cheated, would never cheat or do anything to hurt me or DD or destabilise our little family. I trusted him, he really sounded sincere.

Yet just a few weeks later I started having negative thoughts again, I spied his phone again and was horrified by what I found : he had contacted a male prostitute!! He wrote to him "my wife agreed that this would be my outlet"!! To which the guy replied if I wanted to participate and he answered "probably not if ever, sorry"... WTF!!

How could he promise to be faithful with big tears in his eyes and 3 weeks later contact a male hooker???

I had to confront him again, I didn't mention the spying and what I discovered, but said I had had a very bad gut feeling and wanted him to reassure me he wouldn't cheat. He got angry and aggressive, saying "will I have to repeat the same thing over and over again for the rest of my life"... I told what I thought of promiscuous gay sex behind my back, told him to look me in the eyes and tell me the truth : He looked me straight in the eyes, his face didn't twitch, his eyes didn't blink and he LIED to me. He said he wasn't planning to cheat and that I should calm down. That's what I wanted to hear but I knew it was a lie, what an AWFUL feeling.
On top of that he started mixing up all our problems : special needs child, isolation because of it, he said "we don't have a relationship" bla bla bla, to which I said it was very offensive and unfair to me, as well as sounding like he wanted to justify future cheating.
(for what it's worth we have sex 4-5 times a month)

The next day he had deleted the chat with the prostitute on his phone. Which at this stage doesn't mean anything to me. I'd say only 50% chance he didn't meet him.
I told him I'd be ruthless if I found out he has cheated and exposed me to STDs.
I do NOT think he gets the point.

How did I end up with a man who is completely different to what I thought? On the outside he's mister charmer, everybody loves him and finds him kind and caring. His family would never believe it.

I've been reading lots about bisexuality and I just can't make up my mind. I can hardly find any husband with some sort of mental stability. I find 3 types of marriages :

• those where the wife allows the husband to have sex with men every now and then or simply an open marriage both sides : totally NOT for me. I just cannot bear the thought and can't believe that's what he wanted all along
• those who split because the bi husband just cannot live without gay sex, even though he knows his sexual urge will destroy his family
• those who stay together because the husband has made a rational, conscious decision that his family is worth more than casual sex for the rest of his life, and is happy to stay monogamous - those seem very rare.

I need some help. I haven't told anybody and I am lost, and extremely anxious, which I really don't need as my stress levels with DD are already sky high.
Please don't tell me to just dump him because I am financially dependent on him and that would really not be easy. Maybe I will have to but I want to explore other options first.

Is there any hope that I can make him realise he just wants to have his cake and eat it? And that he is seriously hurting me and making me massively insecure?
In all evidence he says one thing and thinks another, so I can't have such conversations anymore.
Does anyone have experience with this kind of crap?

thank you

*"people like me" = bisexual people, there, obviously.

As many others have said, you are confusing two things: bisexuality and cheating.

Just because someone is bisexual does not mean they have to have two partners of opposite genders. It just means they are attracted to both men and women. Someone who lies, breaks their promise to be faithful and has sex outside of a committed relationship is a cheat, whether that sex is homosexual or heterosexual.

To give you an analogy: I am attracted both to blonde men and to dark-haired men. Just because DH is dark-haired doesn't mean I have to sleep with a blonde-haired man to feel like my sex life is complete.

Actually the point about someone who is bi being in a shower with multiple people of the same sex is interesting, not because one might feel that your partner would have or want to have sex with them but because the attraction could surely be the same and just as threatening to a relationship as if they were showering with a group of opposite sex people if they were heterosexual.

Certainly there should be. No indication that people who are bisexual are more likely to cheat, however you only have to look at the relationship threads on here to see how many women feel threatened by their husband/male partner's friendships with other women, work colleagues, friends etc, and we certainly uphold the view that friendships with people of the opposite sex are less appropriate and that it's ok not to tolerate them and to put conditions on them.

So If you do have a bisexual partner and that partner has a tendency to form very close friendships with others, then it is true to say that you could feel threatened by any of their friendships, as opposed to just the male/female ones.

That wouldn't be a reason to not have a relationship with someone who is bisexual, on the basis that one e.g. Would presumably not choose to initially become involved with anyone with a tendency to become too attached to others in the first place. But in the event your relationship did flounder at some point and you suspected your partner might be headed down the road of an affair, then you may well feel insecure as to whether that affair would be with a man or a woman even if you were aware of their sexuality.

My husband is bisexual - for instance the last relationship he had before me was 4.5 years living with a man.
We are monogamous, neither of us watch porn (different reasons for that, which we both agree on 100%) he certainly doesn't sleep with men either! It's not an excuse to cheat at all. If you wouldn't accept it from a straight man don't accept it from a bisexual man!!!

Loverofcake Great post.

To give you an analogy: I am attracted both to blonde men and to dark-haired men. Just because DH is dark-haired doesn't mean I have to sleep with a blonde-haired man to feel like my sex life is complete

That's really not the same thing at all. I seriously doubt that you would have very strong sexual urges, to shag a blonde haired man. Especially if you are having good and regular sex with your DH. And even if you did have such urges, your DH could dye his hair blonde to satiate you.

The Op could be a sexual gymnast, she could agree to all of her husband's sexual requests. She could be the hottest woman in bed, that he's ever had. However, she will never, ever, be able to satisfy his desire to have sex with an actual man, with an actual penis.

Even if he hadn't shown any indication of cheating (which he has), this would still worry me, because surely at some point, this desire that is not being met, is going to pop it's little head up and say "I need feeding".

Just like how people on a diet, succumb now and again to a slice of chocolate cake. Like how people on the wagon, turn back to drink.

That's my take on it anyway.

As for the shower scenario, I'd imagine being Bi, but not being allowed to have sex with men, even though you shower with very fit naked men every week, would be just like getting a recovering alcoholic to work in a bar, or getting someone on a strict diet to work on the production line at Cadbury's. It must be a constant reminder, of what you'd like a little taste of now and again, but what you will never ever ever be allowed. Temptation much?

Huskylover1 - so far I have survived using single sex changing rooms at the pool three times per week for the last ten years without cracking and making a dive for the nearest woman, because my hunger for pussy is just too strong.

I presume other people can manage this basic level of self-control as well.

Just a quick thanks to mathanxiety, tried to pm back but apparently I'm incapable!!

speckledduck I am so sorry! the revelations must be have so heartbreaking. Did he ever say sorry, or try to leave you? Knowing the huge mental load it takes to raise a DC with special needs, I wonder where on earth these men find time to even entertain the idea of cheating with men behind our backs. Maybe if they shared a bit of the load they'd be so exhausted they wouldn't have the energy for it

I'm just about to leave for work but I'll be back on later. No he didn't try and leave, that would have been the kindest option.

Hetero, bi, whatever .. sounds like he doesn't want a monogamous relationship and you do (most people do).

(His excuses/reasoning are also all bullshit - sounds like he thinks you're soft/gullible.)

Regarding the Cadbury's analogy and self control... from an outsider's perspective it does look impossible... but whether it can remain just a fantasy forever, probably down to individual level of self control...?
DH tells me it's the same as having a crush on someone at work (for both straight and bi people), you learn how to nip it in the bud before it starts

When he next comes home, hand him his daughter and head out for some breathing space. He won't have time to be browsing reddit and porn if he does his fair share of child care.

I think he's the gullible one. He believes everything he reads on those narcissistic forums and podcasts about bisexual empowerment and entitlement (all men btw). I just spent 2 hours last night telling him these platforms are awfully biased and he should look at bi parents websites instead, to get a more objective perspective.

Gullible or looking for justification/validation?

Huskylover1 Your post is absolute bullshit and shows your complete ignorance of bisexuality.

Being in the showers with naked women, while being married to a man, does not make me tempted or "long for what I can never have". That's just ridiculous.

Your entire post shows me that you really don't understand bisexuality at all - "at some point pop up and need feeding"? Bullshit.

Please don't spout about a subject you know absolutely nothing about.

First of all, as a disclaimer, I probably won’t stick around on this thread much longer as I’m beginning to find it pretty upsetting and bigoted. There’s a lot of very bi-phobic statements being made here, but I get the OP is upset and has had a rough time so I’m trying to engage in good faith.

I’d also add that statistically bisexual people don’t cheat more often than straight or gay people. But they are at much higher risk of domestic violence or abuse than straight people, at least in part because of these hideous pervasive stereotypes that bisexual people are bad and treacherous.

From my PoV, yes, I do miss sex with women. I miss it hugely at times – I miss the way women taste, I miss the way they kiss, I miss the scent and softness of the female form. It’s a very different kind of sex and it was a big part of my life for a long time. But I miss other stuff from my youth too – I miss the crazy giddy rush of a first kiss, I miss the excitement of dressing up for a first date, I miss having a metabolism that meant I could eat a full bar of Cadbury’s chocolate and not put on weight. I miss being able to lie in bed until midday, because I didn’t have a small person demanding my attention. I miss being able to dye my hair blue and I miss going to nightclubs and dancing until dawn. All those were pretty big and fabulous parts of my life too.

But life changes. You make some sacrifices to get something better. I don’t have the stuff I had when I was younger but I have a fabulous husband and best friend who I come home to every night. I have an adorable small girl who’s smile lights up my world. I have a great job, I have a lovely garden, I’m stable and happy. And that’s worth it.

I don’t think that sex with women is any more essential to my existence than first kisses or the freedom to dance until dawn or any of those other things. Life changes. We make different priorities. I presume that the straight ladies on here once had amazing first kisses or grand passions, right? But you’re not cheating on your husband’s for the thrill of something new.

It’s like that.

merville I would say both. I now believe that he's quite insecure about his bisexuality given that he never told anyone (apparently he had told his ex gf, 5 years before we got together). So I'm not sure he understands himself what his bisexuality is , and what he's supposed to do about it - the whole "life is too short and my needs must be fulfilled before I die" kind of mentality. He told me when it "came back" (6 years after DD was born), he felt numb for 3 days because he thought it was gone forever. Despite the fact he had researched the topic like crazy before and should have known better.

violetdaze again a big thank you for your contribution. I really appreciate it. I'm in a very different situation as my DH feels frustration in a very different way (he never had boyfriends) and doesn't seem to accept that "You make some sacrifices to get something better". But I get your point and it is helping me. There should be more rational people like you

Huskylover1 I would have to disagree with you there. For me it has nothing to do with any kind of fear that they would want to experience sex with another man again. For me it is purely about the type of person I am attracted to, and for me, I am attracted to heterosexual men only. For me that has no bearing on what someone's personal sexual preferences are. In the same way that a man can choose to be attracted to other men only or a woman can choose to be attracted to other women only or someone can choose to be attracted to both men and women, so I am attracted to only men.

I do stand by the point I made about friendships between men and women, not because I think that being in a room full of women would make a bi woman suddenly have an overwhelming desire for another woman, I don't, however as I said previously, if a woman's husband on here was spending a lot of time with a female colleague or friend questions would be raised about the appropriacy of that fact. Therefore it stands to reason that if a person were insecure about the potential for their partner to cheat and said partner were bi, it would be possible that those insecurities could surround close friendships with either a man or a woman iyswim. But that has to do with ones securities within one's relationship and in essence would have no bearing on their sexuality.

That's beautifully put VioletDaze and very thought-provoking. I understand that it is all a lot more nuanced than some suggest. There is a lot of ignorance and it must be exhausting and depressing justifying it all.

Can I ask though, because I am desperately trying things sorted in my head after a similar cheating/sexuality betrayal…...

I get that the sex is so different - this is part of what upsets me about my own situation. Can you really enjoy such a different experience without comparing and contrasting and one being found less?

And if you had never had sex/relationship with a woman but suspected that you were missing a different softness or taste - would this not make it problematic to be happy if you remained faithful to your husband? I truly get that cheating is cheating (some will, some won't ever) but the sense of potential loss seems a complicating factor. More than deciding to remain faithful to a tall man vs short man or woman with big boobs vs flat chested as above. Surely identity is more closely intwined here, rather just preference? And that is harder to ignore?

And I am willing to be told I understand nothing about bisexuality btw. I am just trying to work out how much I was found 'wrong' or inadequate and how much was just lying and cheating. Sorry OP, focusing on my own feelings without engaging with yours - but I hope it all helps in some way!

@whattodo

Husky has her point of view, you have yours, just because it doesn't conform to yours, doesn't mean some of her points are'nt worth consideration.

I'm getting the vibe that the Op is starting to make excuses for the lying, cheating nutsac, that he is.

He has or tried to initiate sex with a prostitute.

I'm guessing all his porn viewing revolves around gay porn.

It isn't about hetrosexuality, bisexuality, homosexuality, transexuality, asexuality, it's about him sticking his dick somewhere else, whatever the flavour.

It's seems to me that the Op is trying to understand ' bisexuality ' so she can redefine and perhaps save her marriage, essentially giving him a hallpass.....

He wants to enjoy the comforts of a marital home and shag the Op.

But he'd like a bit of cock, now and again.

Seriously, why is he even still in the marital home !?

He either has or wants to abandon or skew his marital commitments.

He should be gone already.

But it is a massive undertaking serialcheat to chuck out a husband and father. The OP has a child with severe autism is a SAHP and only had this extra bombshell 2 months ago.

I think trying to understand the complexity of what is going on and what the future might hold is sensible and understandable. Let's cut her some slack as she works it out...

finallymadeupmymind - I think that whether you need to have experimented sexually or not varies hugely from person to person. I note that one of my best friends IDs as bisexual but has only ever kissed her DH - they got together at school and that was it. I don't know if I could cope with that (only have slept with one person of any gender as much as anything) but she seems happy.

As for preference, I would concur that many bisexual people have some preference. However, that isn't automatically cock! For what it's worth, I probably do very slightly prefer sex with women to sex with men (although it's a close run thing) but I massively prefer my relationship with my lovely sexy husband to anything else I could ever be offered. So that's what I went for. Another friend of mine IDs as bi, but prefers women so married a woman and mostly saves her hetero urges for Tom Hiddleston.

It's complex. Like I think relationships mostly are, especially as you get older.

As an addition, just checked with DH. He says it varies hugely with people. It isn't as simple as "male vs female". There are woman he has had great sex with and men he has had great sex with. And he's had shit sex with both.

Then he asked why I was asking bizarre questions today and could I stop being creepy.

I just can't find examples to show him bisexuality doesn't have to be fulfilled in long term relationships. Is it different for men??

It doesn't matter if you can find umpteen examples. If he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat. I don't see this as any different from a man wanting to shag another woman. You're either faithful to the partner you committed to or you're not.