Found out DH is bisexual and a liar - can I ever be happy with him?

[eskimomama]

DH and I have been together 10 years, we have a DD who has severe autism. I'm a SAH mom to be full time carer of DD, I do 99% of the childcare and household chores, while he's busy being the breadwinner and full time complainer.
First of all I must say I have been madly in love with this guy, I really loved him and still do, so what will follow is really a huge shock to my system.

2 months ago I discovered that DH was bisexual, because he had gay porn on the computer and gay chat apps on his phone. It was a massive shock to me as I had absolutely no idea. I know nothing about bisexuality so first I thought he was a repressed gay and I had just been used as a cover for his need to conform.
It caused me massive anxiety and had to confront him after 5 days, I forced him to admit it. It was a very emotional talk where he promised he never cheated, would never cheat or do anything to hurt me or DD or destabilise our little family. I trusted him, he really sounded sincere.

Yet just a few weeks later I started having negative thoughts again, I spied his phone again and was horrified by what I found : he had contacted a male prostitute!! He wrote to him "my wife agreed that this would be my outlet"!! To which the guy replied if I wanted to participate and he answered "probably not if ever, sorry"... WTF!!

How could he promise to be faithful with big tears in his eyes and 3 weeks later contact a male hooker???

I had to confront him again, I didn't mention the spying and what I discovered, but said I had had a very bad gut feeling and wanted him to reassure me he wouldn't cheat. He got angry and aggressive, saying "will I have to repeat the same thing over and over again for the rest of my life"... I told what I thought of promiscuous gay sex behind my back, told him to look me in the eyes and tell me the truth : He looked me straight in the eyes, his face didn't twitch, his eyes didn't blink and he LIED to me. He said he wasn't planning to cheat and that I should calm down. That's what I wanted to hear but I knew it was a lie, what an AWFUL feeling.
On top of that he started mixing up all our problems : special needs child, isolation because of it, he said "we don't have a relationship" bla bla bla, to which I said it was very offensive and unfair to me, as well as sounding like he wanted to justify future cheating.
(for what it's worth we have sex 4-5 times a month)

The next day he had deleted the chat with the prostitute on his phone. Which at this stage doesn't mean anything to me. I'd say only 50% chance he didn't meet him.
I told him I'd be ruthless if I found out he has cheated and exposed me to STDs.
I do NOT think he gets the point.

How did I end up with a man who is completely different to what I thought? On the outside he's mister charmer, everybody loves him and finds him kind and caring. His family would never believe it.

I've been reading lots about bisexuality and I just can't make up my mind. I can hardly find any husband with some sort of mental stability. I find 3 types of marriages :

• those where the wife allows the husband to have sex with men every now and then or simply an open marriage both sides : totally NOT for me. I just cannot bear the thought and can't believe that's what he wanted all along
• those who split because the bi husband just cannot live without gay sex, even though he knows his sexual urge will destroy his family
• those who stay together because the husband has made a rational, conscious decision that his family is worth more than casual sex for the rest of his life, and is happy to stay monogamous - those seem very rare.

I need some help. I haven't told anybody and I am lost, and extremely anxious, which I really don't need as my stress levels with DD are already sky high.
Please don't tell me to just dump him because I am financially dependent on him and that would really not be easy. Maybe I will have to but I want to explore other options first.

Is there any hope that I can make him realise he just wants to have his cake and eat it? And that he is seriously hurting me and making me massively insecure?
In all evidence he says one thing and thinks another, so I can't have such conversations anymore.
Does anyone have experience with this kind of crap?

thank you

Jessica It is entirely my choice whether I would be comfortable being married to a bisexual man. In the same way, that is entirely my choice whether to be with someone shorter than me (no), or ginger, or whatever. Doesn't make me homophobic. Why do people always have to jump on that bandwagon?

So, for arguments sake, let's you wouldn't fancy someone morbidly obese, that means that you hate all fat people? No, of course not, it just means that you don't find obese men attractive.

• let's say

You can find websites and forums to support anything you want these days.... that in itself doesn't make it right or acceptable.

They make the wei rd and bizzare and outlandish seem normal. Honestly....it really is a minefield.

Everyone is different and the fact that you don't immediately see this as a dealbreaker...gives
the impression that you are not dead against it.... because the emailing a male prostitute would be the end for many women (myself included).

I've found that no men want a playmate to scratch that itch. S woman alone will not fulfil their sexual needs.

When choosing who you have sex with, women can discriminate for whatever reason they want. The pp who said they could never be in a relationship with a man who wants to fuck men, that’s her choice to make, her vagina isn’t equal opportunities for all, she can discriminate who enters for any reason she chooses.

If that pp was in charge of employing and denied men positions because they want to fuck men, that’s wrong and she shouldn’t be in that position, but when it comes to who enters her body, she can discriminate for any reason she likes, hair colour, size, likes, dislikes, political ideals, religion etc etc

I think if OP is uncomfortable with having a sexual relationship with her husband because of his bisexuality, that’s her choice to make. A choice she may have made at the very start if he hadn’t chosen to lie to her and take her choice away. He made it for her.

OP

So many different factors here.

Firstly, everyone on the planet has a large number of people they can be attracted to. Choosing to be monogamous means being with one person, no matter how many others you find attractive. In theory this should be no more of an issue for bi than for heter or gay people.

However, if he has never explored this side of his sexuality in real life, he may feel the need to do that. That's his prerogative but that doesn't make it any more acceptable within a marriage than him cheating with a woman. If this is how he needs to "fulfil his needs" then he can do that as a single man rather than having his cake and eating it. He has to make a choice. There is no requirement for you to have to accept an open marriage when that's not what you signed up for. Anyone telling you otherwise is trying to justify their infidelity. The sex of the partner is irrelevant. If someone needs to be with both sexes, they need to be open about that from the outset, or be single. End of story.

This is all mostly irrelevant though as he is a lying cheat. You don't have to make allowances for him just because he's cheating with men. You wouldn't put up with it if it were women.

You can never trust him and he's endangering your health by sneaking around behind your back. You are absolutely right to leave him to it.

Also, this sort of forum he's on is toxic brainwashing, no less. Men reframing their vile behaviour as almost noble, doing it "for their marriage". Do fuck off. It's ridiculous. You'll see the same for men trying to justify hetero affairs, using prostitutes, even paedophilia and bestiality - not comparing these these things to bisexuality obviously but you'll find it's amazing what people can get together and justify with twisted ideologies. Him cheating is about his selfishness - not being progressive.

Calling someone homophobic for not wanting to have sex with a man who also likes to sleep with other men is frankly pathetic. I believe there are in fact similar arguments used to describe women who wouldn't want a relationship with a trans man/woman which are not similarly upheld.

A woman can choose to have sex with whoever she wants, and choose not to have sex with whoever she wants. That is all.

OP, before anything else you need an STI check.

You don't know how long this has been going on

Further to that, be prepared you may need to have your daughter checked.

If this has gone on for the entirety of your marriage you may have contracted something prior to her conception.

This man is not who you thought he was, there doesn't seem to be any coming back from this.

He's lost your trust and your respect, don't lose your own.

It's not necessarily homophobic do not want to sleep with bisexual men. It is to call them unmanly and claim they can't have a long term monogamous relationship however.

getmeoutofhereplease and loverofcake Thanks, I am so fed up of women thinking they have to be "cool" with this type of thing. I would be horrified if my DH revealed he fancied men, it would be the end of our relationship.

It's not necessarily homophobic do not want to sleep with bisexual men. It is to call them unmanly and claim they can't have a long term monogamous relationship however

I would find my DH less manly, if he wanted to shag men. Sorry, but I just would.

I didn't say that being Bi means that you can't be monogamous. My fear would be, that there is an element of his sexuality that the Op can never fulfill, unless she magically grows a Penis overnight and changes her name to Bob.

And this isn't just about being Bi. If I was flat chested, and I found out that my DH's hugest turn-on was massive boobs, I think that would play on my mind too, although not on the scale we are talking about here. But yes, I would wonder if he was more likely to stray, given that I could not fulfill his desires.

How would he be less "manly"?

I can't put it into words. I guess in the same way that a camp gay man doesn't come across as manly as a 6ft 5 rugby player.

I would just look at him totally differently.

What about a gay 6'5 rugby player?

And saying that a man in a relationship with a woman can't be 'fulfilled' does kind of imply that he can't be monogamous.

Well, it certainly seems that the Op's husband isn't fulfilled, given that he is making appointments with male prostitues.

It doesn't matter who is 'right' about monogamy vs open relationships.

You deserve a relationship which makes you happy. You have discovered that your DH doesn't agree with monogamy (his bisexuality is a total red herring) so you need to decide if you can live with a man who is telling you that his 'need' to fuck others is more important to him than you are.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, I really feel for you.

I am SO grateful to all the posters who are bi and/or with a bi husband. It really opens a new dimension to me. I would like to hear more about bi husbands too.

There 's a couple of things I should mention too

• My pregnancy wasn't planned, we were in a very strong and steady relationship (and knew each other for 6 years already) but it wasn't planned nonetheless. We decided to keep the baby as we were getting along so well and it felt right. He's apparently still mad at the fact that "we had a baby too soon" (8 years later). The reality is that when DD was a baby and not autistic, life was a bliss, we were very much in love, he even told me "his life was complete back then" (his words). But now he's using this "baby too soon" against me. I'm telling him to not confuse things, life got very stressful because of DD's autism, not because we had a baby "too soon". And I told him I will be eternally mad at him that he didn't tell me he was bi when I got pregnant. I hate the thought but I probably wouldn't have kept the baby if I knew for fear of never being enough for him...

• Shall I tell him I found out about the male prostitute, by spying on his phone (I spied the login pattern behind his back)? Because this is the one thing I just cannot get over with. It repulses me beyond anything, it's wrong on SO many levels. But he will get mad at me for spying in the first place (and will change his pattern so I will be totally clueless after that). Talking to him about the prostitute terrifies me.

what do you think?

Personally .... I wouldn't bother telling him you found out about the male prostitute, because I'd be filing for divorce.

I don't want the penis of a man who desires or has any kind of sex with other men inside me. He would no longer be sexually attractive in my eyes.
Simple

I'd probably tell him during or after the divorce though.

tentomidnight He tells me I'm more important and always have been but he contacted a male hooker behind my back. To "save the marriage" I presume. I have told him my values (monogamy, commitment, honesty and trust) and that I would have said the same thing 10 years ago and will not change, so now he never mentions open marriages and gay chat ever again in front of me. Pretends he's all clean. I don't know how to tackle things to make him realise I know he's lying. The worst part is that our family and friends don't have a clue and think he's wonderful.
The internet is filled of happy open marriages stories for him to feel better about himself. I'm so sick of this tolerance trend. I almost became homophobic because of this. So glad to be reminded bisexuality has nothing to do with infidelity and fucking around.

I wouldn't reveal your hand. He would cover his tracks better or use another device. Mind you, you certainly do not need any more evidence.

I would get your ducks lined up, honestly. Get your home valued (if you own). Work out what equity you have. Find out what's in his pension pot. See a solicitor and her them to draw up a separation agreement. Work out what credits you'd be entitled to, if you were a single mum. Calculate what he'd have to pay you in child maintenance.

Quietly, quietly line up your ducks, plan your exit. Drop it on him, once you've done all the background work.

As for him now saying that you had a baby too soon....what on earth has this got to do with the price of eggs? I have never EVER met a heterosexual man, who has turned bi-sexual because he "had a baby too soon". Idiot.

Meant to also say, make sure the Sol goes for more money for you, due to Economic Recompense. You are entitled to more money because you gave up a career, to care for DC and he did not.

Op, whatever you say to him, you KNOW he's going to lie to you......

He's putting you at risk, physically, mentally and emotionally, and perhaps your daughter, too.......

He can't walk away from his bisexuality anymore than you can walk away from your sexuality, but it's the lies binded with his alternative desires that can't be separated......

I'm being blunt here, he wants the incredibly selfish and perverted thrill of sticking his dick in another guys ass, then coming home to stick it in you !!!!!!

It drives him, you can't change that or bring back that dashing Prince you once adored.....

Sorry :-(

Thanks husky. Very sound advice. That will make me more secure if I know exactly about the finances.

Well when we discussed were the boundaries lay it was more a discussion on what we both considered appropriate behavior whithin our relationship, and it had more to do with fidelity than sexual orientation. If he ever did cheat, be it with woman or man, the relationship would be over. ( as it would be from his view point I i cheated, I don't think being bisexual makes you more likely to).
We did talk about porn and I don't have any objection to it, in fact I sometimes watch it myself. But everyone differs in where the boundaries lie, a lot of people would not be ok with it.
As to how I know that he hasn't cheated, well there's no hundred percent way to know but I've no reason to think he has. We have access to each others devices, there doesn't seem to be any deleted history or shady behavior.
Also when we discussed his orientation, he said that it was more a fantasy thing not something that he had amy interest in pursuing in real life. I could see the logic in that, I have a lot of fantasies I wouldn't do irl.
I hope it answers your questions. We have been together 9 years and have a 3yr old DD. To be honest his being bisexual is no big deal in our relationship.

Quazxc

Great post, you and your partner seem to have worked it all out...

But I'm wondering, IF you discovered he had secretly been in touch with a gay male prostitute....... How would YOU deal with it !?

I would ask/ tell him to leave. From the beginning, I til him that there were two absolute deal breakers : Abuse and cheating.
My parents cheated on each other for years (dad 1 long term ow, mum lots of shorter lived retaliatory affairs), the tesult was a very unhappy childhood that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I was so relieved when they divorced.
I was in an abusive relationship, and not going down that road again!

goodmenproject.com/featured-content/can-bisexual-men-committed-relationship-jvinc/
Is this any help?.a bisexual man talks about being engaged to a woman x