Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Blocking - have I been unreasonable?

119 replies

calmandbright · 10/12/2017 13:51

Long story short, I broke up with my ex in the summer (2 year relationship, no kids, no joint commitments etc). For me the break was a long time coming and to be honest, the relationship had probably run its course for me about a year ago. Lovely guy, and we spent a lot of time together but for many and various reasons the relationship never deepened past a boyfriend/girlfriend type status and the last year we weren't even having sex, hadn't met my friends and family (I'd offered many times but a mixture of being set in his routine, some physical and mental health factors and social anxiety meant he never took that leap, although I socialised a LOT with his friends and family etc) Not to say that it was bad - got on like a house on fire, but he just wasn't a very good fit for my personality overall (very introverted to the point of reclusive whereas I'm very sociable etc). We were friends a long time before this (we go back years).

After I made the break, he didn't really object too much and I didn't hear from him for many weeks. Obviously was difficult in the initial stages of heartbreak but I fairly quickly moved on in terms of life as a whole. Felt quite relieved and free to be honest and started enjoying life, meeting with friends and getting back into things and hobbies I'd let slide, and a couple of months later signed up to tinder and started dating a bit too.

So here's where it gets murky. He got back in touch asking for another chance. I was clear that I didn't want to, but the texts continued, he turned up at my house begging for another chance. I ended up agreeing to a date which was fun, but within a couple of days I decided that I was probably making a mistake getting back together so I called it quits. This was almost 2 months ago.

Since then I've had a barrage of texts, begging, asking, declarations of love, apologies, general friendly chatty texts, spates of phone calls which I have largely ignored. It's been very draining having to keep rebuffing him. I've really tried to be sensitive and kind but have gradually become blunter in my responses. To make matters more difficult, he had a bereavement in this time which has made it more difficult to cut contact. It would have been very harsh to not respond to texts when he was grieving, but all along I've tried to be polite etc. but to keep my responded neutral and not give him false hope . but each time I've responded in kind has resulted in him repeatedly asking for another chance. It sounds terribly, but I feel he has used his bereavement as a way of keeping lines of communication open.
He sends lots of photos of diy he's done etc (I think to sort of prove that he's changed and is getting his life on track). He has turned up at my door too, despite me explicitly telling him not to come over. I think it has come as a bit of a shock that I actually mean to stay broken up with him, and he's not dealing with it too well.

The last straw was yet another begging text on the day of the funeral pleading to give us a chance and thy he wants to grow old together etc. Again I tried to be polite but in no uncertain terms made it clear that I wanted to move on and that the relationship is over, and that I didn't want any more contact. He text again the next day to apologise but I didn't respond. Sorry to mention the dreaded Facebook but again, he tags me in lots of things and it's quite clear he's been looking at my profile a lot. Each time I thought I'd made it clear that it was over and I didn't wish to communicate, I'd get a couple of days of respite and then the texts would start again.

So as you can imagine, it's all been quite emotionally draining. I decided yesterday that I would quietly block him on WhatsApp and Facebook while the going was 'good'. He's since text several times to ask why I've blocked him, then demands to respond.

Basically, my question is have I been unreasonable in blocking him? He hasn't done anything 'wrong' as such, but I was dreading my phone pinging. Should I respond to his text asking why, then block him completely from my phone? Or just continue with my radio silence? I feel like I'm handling this very badly and I'm a bit useless at this sort of thing. Any advice would be gratefully received.

OP posts:
Velvetbee · 10/12/2017 13:56

Block everywhere. He's taking any communication from you as encouragement, it must be hugely draining for you.

Nannyplumbrocks · 10/12/2017 13:58

You are handling it perfectly. You have been kind and assertive and that hasnt worked. Your no longer have any obligation to him and you are doing him a favour putting a stop to the communication. He might actually move on now. Dont respond.

Allthecoolkids · 10/12/2017 13:58

“For both our sakes, I think it’s best we’re not in contact anymore. I wish you well.”

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/12/2017 13:59

No you have not been at all unreasonable, infact you have been way more than reasonable here and he has also played on your kind nature.

Continue with radio silence so no response at all from you. If he still persists report him to the Police for harassment. This is what unwanted contact like this amounts to. You need to block him from any means of contacting you.

BewareOfDragons · 10/12/2017 14:01

Not only are you not being unreasonable, but I would contact the police for advice. He is refusing to take 'No' for an answer, and is stalking and harassing you trying to force contact.

Worrying, very worrying.

Bluerose27 · 10/12/2017 14:01

Definitely block him and stay blocked. You don't want to talk to him. You've told him nicely. He ignores you. You owe him nothing. Block block block

DPotter · 10/12/2017 14:02

I think you have been very patient, maybe too much. Blocking him on social media is perfectly fine. I would also block him on your phone. You have told him on many occasions its over. Enough is enough. I would send one more text - tell him its over and if he continues in any way to contact you, you will consider it harassment and will report it to the police.

SweetheartTreacleTart · 10/12/2017 14:02

This sounds just like my useless ex. Block him from calling and texting you too. That's what I did. If he turns up at your door I would threaten him with the police.

calmandbright · 10/12/2017 14:06

Thank you for the responses. allthecookies that's what I sort of feel like I should reply with, but I've sent that sort of 'final' text about 12 times now and each time a few days go by and the contact begins again. My gut feeling at this time is that total silence might be more effective, but I feel awful about it. At the end of the day I understand he's basically trying to salvage a relationship with me and his intentions are 'good', but it's getting a bit beyond now. I do feel a bit more confident in sticking to it now. I just want some peace and to be able to use Facebook again without feeling spied on Sad (my bother and some close friends live abroad so it's a way we all keep in touch).

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 10/12/2017 14:08

He is harassing you. So he has done something wrong.

You are right to block him - maybe one last message as a PP suggested: I wish you well but I no longer want any contact. Please don’t contact me or I will have to report it to the police as harassment.

calmandbright · 10/12/2017 14:11

I think police feels like overkill, as I don't actually feel afraid or threatened. More just drained by this process of extrapolating myself. I've never experienced anything like it. It's extra awkward as we have some mutual close friends too Sad I'll stick to no response. I just hope he doesn't turn up again, as the last time I attempted to cut contact by not responding and ignoring phone calls he came to my house. I hate this!

OP posts:
laudanum · 10/12/2017 14:18

He's basically harassing and stalking you at this point. Tell him you'll be going to the police if he doesn't leave you alone. If he can turn up at your house, blocking him won't do much good since he can circumvent that. I'd probably actually go to the police right now to be honest.

laudanum · 10/12/2017 14:20

Police isn't overkill for someone who won't take no for an answer and turns up at your place. Just because it hasn't escalated to the physical violence yet, doesn't mean it won't. Please don't make the mistake of thinking he's harmless. This is really worrying behaviour. Go to the police.

AtrociousCircumstance · 10/12/2017 14:23

No, police is not overkill. Relentless texts and messages, turning up unannounced...it absolutely is harassment and that is against the law.

Too many women minimise this. Why minimise how drained and uncomfortable you are? You gave him two years by choice and you no longer have to deal with him at all. He is forcing you to engage with him. He is being intrusive and he doesn’t care what you want or need, he literally doesn’t care about how you feel or what you say...he’s just focusing on what he thinks he wants.

Maybe he will only listen if you contextualise his behaviour in terms of harassment and let him know you will contact the police?

Offred · 10/12/2017 14:30

I don’t think you are taking this as seriously as you should.

What he’s doing is refusing to respect your desire to break up with him in a really quite extreme way.

In no way are his intentions ‘good’. He is harassing you and you should be alarmed. When his harrassment isn’t eliciting the desired response he is escalating to stalking and you should be alarmed.

This kind of behaviour is extremely worrying and means he could be extremely dangerous to you.

tribpot · 10/12/2017 14:35

You need to deal with this now as I imagine if/when he finds out in the future you've met someone else, he's going to escalate. And that I think really will tip this over to scary. (I personally would already find it scary as well as massively intrusive).

Maintain radio silence, block him on your phone completely. Based on past behaviour I think it is likely he will turn up at your house, so you may be best to plan how you will deal with that.

As you have mutual friends, I would be tempted to confide in them that you are worried about the state of his mental health but for the sake of your own you are considering going to the police. If they have any sense at all, they will realise they need to intervene to help their friend before things get out of hand.

velourvoyageur · 10/12/2017 14:36

I would have blocked long ago, honestly OP, don't be afraid of being abrupt. You're not responsible for his happiness. He certainly isn't thinking of yours.

He's not treating you as a person with a mind, is he? All he's listening to are his own feelings.

If he turns up to your house again I'd log it by calling 101 in case the harassment continues.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/12/2017 14:38

"I think police feels like overkill, as I don't actually feel afraid or threatened"

You may well not feel these ways yet but you could well feel like this going forward. He is not leaving you alone and such unwanted contact is harassment.

I do not think that contacting the police is overkill in your particular circumstances. What you have tried to date has not worked so time for the authorities to step in.

Offred · 10/12/2017 14:38

Read this.

You are already on the border between ‘persistent harassment’ and ‘threatening behaviour’ (questioning why blocked, turning up at your home).

The next progression is to murder.

laudanum · 10/12/2017 14:49

Everything Offred said. When he realises he can't reach you in the ways he wants, things will spiral BADLY.

christmaswreaths · 10/12/2017 14:54

I second everyone else's view - this man sounds dangerous - please go to the police

calmandbright · 10/12/2017 15:18

Yes. I do hear what you're all saying. I've not heard anything since last night. If I get any more contact I think I will call the 101.

I've text a mutual friend (his best friend's wife) to say that I'm feeling a bit cornered and she was shocked that I was still getting messages. My dad and my ex husband has offered to have a word if it continues too (he's a gem in fairness) so a few people are aware of the situation. To be honest, I'd have happily blocked before now but I was a bit nervy that if he couldn't ge hold of me by text that he'd turn up (which was proved right when I ignored his texts and calls a few weeks ago). I'm staying at a friend's tonight (not because of the ex situation) so I won't be here if he does turn up.

Thanks for the link to the stalking article too (sorry, I'm on my phone so can't see who posted). It's bit of an eye opener isn't it? However I feel very confident that he's not a violent man (although I do appreciate that people can and do act in unexpected ways).

I think what has resonated most though is what you guys have said about that he isn't respecting me as a person in my own right. Like he's putting his needs and wants above my wishes. I've been crystal clear that I didn't want any contact in any way shape or form, yet even in the latest text he's demanded I reply to say I've received it, and said that he wouldn't have contacted except to say merry Xmas - I feel like screaming 'that's the bloody point! I don't want ANY contact - even if it is 'just' merry xmas' Angry I really appreciate the replies though, I'm taking it all on board.

OP posts:
Teensandfuture · 10/12/2017 15:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ivykaty44 · 10/12/2017 15:27

Glad you’ve got real life support from family and friends.

Hope he gets the message
And leaves you alone

Thebluedog · 10/12/2017 15:30

Just block him OP in n everything. Phone, email, WhatsApp, FB, all social media, text etc. If he turns up in person tell him to go away and if he does it again you’ll be reporting him. Time to be blunt

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread