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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Blocking - have I been unreasonable?

119 replies

calmandbright · 10/12/2017 13:51

Long story short, I broke up with my ex in the summer (2 year relationship, no kids, no joint commitments etc). For me the break was a long time coming and to be honest, the relationship had probably run its course for me about a year ago. Lovely guy, and we spent a lot of time together but for many and various reasons the relationship never deepened past a boyfriend/girlfriend type status and the last year we weren't even having sex, hadn't met my friends and family (I'd offered many times but a mixture of being set in his routine, some physical and mental health factors and social anxiety meant he never took that leap, although I socialised a LOT with his friends and family etc) Not to say that it was bad - got on like a house on fire, but he just wasn't a very good fit for my personality overall (very introverted to the point of reclusive whereas I'm very sociable etc). We were friends a long time before this (we go back years).

After I made the break, he didn't really object too much and I didn't hear from him for many weeks. Obviously was difficult in the initial stages of heartbreak but I fairly quickly moved on in terms of life as a whole. Felt quite relieved and free to be honest and started enjoying life, meeting with friends and getting back into things and hobbies I'd let slide, and a couple of months later signed up to tinder and started dating a bit too.

So here's where it gets murky. He got back in touch asking for another chance. I was clear that I didn't want to, but the texts continued, he turned up at my house begging for another chance. I ended up agreeing to a date which was fun, but within a couple of days I decided that I was probably making a mistake getting back together so I called it quits. This was almost 2 months ago.

Since then I've had a barrage of texts, begging, asking, declarations of love, apologies, general friendly chatty texts, spates of phone calls which I have largely ignored. It's been very draining having to keep rebuffing him. I've really tried to be sensitive and kind but have gradually become blunter in my responses. To make matters more difficult, he had a bereavement in this time which has made it more difficult to cut contact. It would have been very harsh to not respond to texts when he was grieving, but all along I've tried to be polite etc. but to keep my responded neutral and not give him false hope . but each time I've responded in kind has resulted in him repeatedly asking for another chance. It sounds terribly, but I feel he has used his bereavement as a way of keeping lines of communication open.
He sends lots of photos of diy he's done etc (I think to sort of prove that he's changed and is getting his life on track). He has turned up at my door too, despite me explicitly telling him not to come over. I think it has come as a bit of a shock that I actually mean to stay broken up with him, and he's not dealing with it too well.

The last straw was yet another begging text on the day of the funeral pleading to give us a chance and thy he wants to grow old together etc. Again I tried to be polite but in no uncertain terms made it clear that I wanted to move on and that the relationship is over, and that I didn't want any more contact. He text again the next day to apologise but I didn't respond. Sorry to mention the dreaded Facebook but again, he tags me in lots of things and it's quite clear he's been looking at my profile a lot. Each time I thought I'd made it clear that it was over and I didn't wish to communicate, I'd get a couple of days of respite and then the texts would start again.

So as you can imagine, it's all been quite emotionally draining. I decided yesterday that I would quietly block him on WhatsApp and Facebook while the going was 'good'. He's since text several times to ask why I've blocked him, then demands to respond.

Basically, my question is have I been unreasonable in blocking him? He hasn't done anything 'wrong' as such, but I was dreading my phone pinging. Should I respond to his text asking why, then block him completely from my phone? Or just continue with my radio silence? I feel like I'm handling this very badly and I'm a bit useless at this sort of thing. Any advice would be gratefully received.

OP posts:
calmandbright · 14/12/2017 23:37

No no not at all! He sounds like a numpty & I hope you're free of him soon. What's wrong with these men Angry

OP posts:
wasbumpers · 14/12/2017 23:43

God knows! wish he'd just disappear without all this drama but i dont think he's going to is he? 🙁

Well done you for blocking him, i really really really need to as well. How does it feel having done it?

calmandbright · 14/12/2017 23:59

Sheer relief to be honest! Should have done it sooner.

OP posts:
calmandbright · 15/12/2017 00:02

And while he was messaging I felt like there was drama. The block has just removed that drama. I hope he stays away now and rebuilds his life. It doesn't sound like your guy will fade away until you take action to make it so. But do take care though, as other posters have suggested, if he continues to not respect your boundaries, especially if you block - I wouldn't hesitate to get him served with a PIN.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 15/12/2017 07:42

Your guy sounds horrible, wasbumper. He doesn't respect you at all. It's all about him. I'm afraid it is wishful thinking that he is going to disappear. You can't explain it to him enough or in a way that will make him understand because he isn't interested in what you think - it's all about him.

I think you need to gear yourself up to get tough with him. Block him, call the police if he turns up.

wasbumpers · 15/12/2017 11:31

flowers have just arrived at work today from him 😕 do i say thanks? Ignore? There was no message...

sonjadog - you are right about him not getting the message, and about getting tough. Why can't i just do it?

Offred · 15/12/2017 11:53

No contact this week but he's blocked on everything now. Plus I'm almost 100% confident that he wouldn't turn up when my kids are here, but knows I won't have them over the weekend so this weekend will be the clincher I think.

I was in this position with ex a few moths ago. It is hard to know what to do. I was, to some extent, completely paralysed by fear. I eventually called the police and reported after living for weeks with all the blinds shut and hiding upstairs with all the lights off when my children weren’t there...

It is mad how afraid you can get without even really realising you are afraid. While you are in it anyway, I see now I am out how afraid I was...

velourvoyageur · 15/12/2017 17:12

Christ no, please don't thank him! Why would you - just because he's spent some money on you, in order to continue completely ignoring your wishes? This gesture would have me extremely pissed off.

I probably would have refused to accept them tbh (if you were there when they were delivered). He wants you indebted so you feel you have no choice but to open up communication again to complete the gift-giving ritual with the expected polite response. He's trying to get you to enter into the debtor-debtee relationship & is relying on your feeling uncomfortable that you're not 'holding up your end of the bargain' in this social transaction. This is how a lot of women find themselves in vulnerable situations, because they feel obliged to follow the rules governing interaction with others universally and to the letter, even when these rules should be seen as irrelevant in certain situations. I think men more readily give themselves permission to adapt to the situation in hand and sacrifice politeness or 'a pleasant atmosphere' if they think it's not going to serve their needs at that time, whereas women may be a little more inflexible in this because they're worried they'll be seen as ungracious, overreacting, plain rude etc (as if being seen as polite is preferable to taking steps to ensure your personal safety).
These flowers aren't a real present, are they, they're just another channel of manipulation. He knows your automatic reaction will be to feel bad that you don't thank him, he knows this will make the NC harder for you & he knows this will have you thinking about him.

sonjadog · 15/12/2017 17:50

No no no, don´t thank him. The flowers aren't a thoughtful gift for you, they are a way to manipulate you into speaking to him. He is depending on you being too polite not to contact him.

wasbumpers · 15/12/2017 20:00

that is exactly how I'm feeling, too nice to ignore it. He's now asked directly if ive got them. Then followed that up with the fact that he's having a heart scan in the New Year. I haven't 'read' the messages but they are burning a hole in my day. I'm so bloody anxious, time to be brutal as you all suggest. If i can summon up the courage.

sonjadog · 15/12/2017 20:05

How about you block him now with the plan that you will revisit that decision middle of next week? Then you can give yourself a break, but it won't be so definite as blocking him completely (which would be preferable, but might be a step too far for you right now?). I think if you were free from his constant demands for your attention, you might find it easier to think clearly about this.

wasbumpers · 15/12/2017 21:22

Sonjadog Even that suggestion makes my heart pound with nerves. Do i tell him first? Although he's just messaged again saying that he is going to come over to drop off the kids christmas presents and to let him know when??!

Regularsizedrudy · 15/12/2017 21:29

Fuck politeness. Block this freak.

sonjadog · 15/12/2017 21:37

No don’t tell him. Just do it. Why so nervous? It’s just like turning your phone off for a while. You are making it a much bigger deal than it needs to be.

wasbumpers · 15/12/2017 22:11

Yes i do seemed to have made this into a bit of a big deal in my head. Christ knows why. Time to get a grip.

calmandbright · 17/12/2017 11:23

Did you block him wasbump?

OP posts:
calmandbright · 17/12/2017 11:23

Auto! wasbumpers

OP posts:
laudanum · 17/12/2017 19:51

wasbumpers: please please please block him. The way he's manipulating you is working because you're feeling so guilty about doing it, and he KNOWS it. If you were paying for everything before, he's probably looking for you to do that again, amongst other things. You NEED to do this so you can move on. If he turns up them call the police. He isn't going to stop.

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 18/12/2017 07:12

How are things calmandbright ?

calmandbright · 18/12/2017 09:06

All quiet this weekend, although my DC were with exH all weekend and I've spent most of the weekend out of the house Xmas shopping and had two Xmas dos so stayed over with a friend, so I wouldn't know if he turned up or not. I'm hoping not! How are things with you wasbumpers?

OP posts:
calmandbright · 18/12/2017 09:07

Thank you all for the great support on this thread too. It's really helped my resolve, and to know that I'm not being unreasonable Flowers

OP posts:
wasbumpers · 19/12/2017 00:05

So i did it. Sent him a final 'leave me alone, don't contact me, please respect my decision ' then turned my phone off for the night.

Next day my friend turns up at my door asking if I'm ok because he's been messaging her - because he got no response from me! After reading his reply to my final message, she blocked his number and deleted all messages.

She told him i was fine, that she would arrange to get his stuff back to him, he said no - he was coming to mine to collect it. I left it all outside. I had my friends round for drinks when he arrived, knocked on the door with bags of presents for me and the kids. My friend answered the door for me. It included a card that said i needed to sort my head out but he still loves me and if its not to broken we can try again in January.

Followed up by a message on fb saying it didnt have to be like this.

Then another that he wants me back and wants me to change my mind.

And another about wanting to know the results of my upcoming MRI.

Then another about if i opened the presents.

Then another about how his driving lesson went.

So that's the update. Clearly blocking on fb is needed now. Its so horrid being scared to pick up my phone in case he's found another way to get in touch. At least I've done the worst bit i guess!

Thanks sooooo much for asking after me, you have no idea how much i needed to hear that it's not just me being paranoid!

calmandbright · 19/12/2017 00:19

Well done wasbumpers! What a fruit loop though Shock definitely block on Facebook! It may be worth sending one brief message saying any further contact and you will be reporting to the police, then block. And follow through - if he turns up (I suspect he will) - report. It's beyond. I was freaked with what I had on my hands, but you must be at the end of your tether. He sounds a million times worse Angry You've done the right thing though. I hope he leaves you alone soon. Was he controlling in the relationship?

OP posts:
laudanum · 19/12/2017 00:53

You're going to have to block him wasbumpers. He's also likely to create another account to message you with, so he prepared for that. Take screenshots of everything and save them so if you need to take it to the police, you have evidence.

Tell all your friends he's harassing you because that's exactly what he's doing. The fact that you had people there when he turned up is good cos they will have seen his behaviour.

StormTreader · 19/12/2017 09:58

Whats the actual criteria where the police can be asked to go and "have a word"? Wasbumpers must be getting near that point with all those messages, but Im not sure if things are quite "there" yet?

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