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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Blocking - have I been unreasonable?

119 replies

calmandbright · 10/12/2017 13:51

Long story short, I broke up with my ex in the summer (2 year relationship, no kids, no joint commitments etc). For me the break was a long time coming and to be honest, the relationship had probably run its course for me about a year ago. Lovely guy, and we spent a lot of time together but for many and various reasons the relationship never deepened past a boyfriend/girlfriend type status and the last year we weren't even having sex, hadn't met my friends and family (I'd offered many times but a mixture of being set in his routine, some physical and mental health factors and social anxiety meant he never took that leap, although I socialised a LOT with his friends and family etc) Not to say that it was bad - got on like a house on fire, but he just wasn't a very good fit for my personality overall (very introverted to the point of reclusive whereas I'm very sociable etc). We were friends a long time before this (we go back years).

After I made the break, he didn't really object too much and I didn't hear from him for many weeks. Obviously was difficult in the initial stages of heartbreak but I fairly quickly moved on in terms of life as a whole. Felt quite relieved and free to be honest and started enjoying life, meeting with friends and getting back into things and hobbies I'd let slide, and a couple of months later signed up to tinder and started dating a bit too.

So here's where it gets murky. He got back in touch asking for another chance. I was clear that I didn't want to, but the texts continued, he turned up at my house begging for another chance. I ended up agreeing to a date which was fun, but within a couple of days I decided that I was probably making a mistake getting back together so I called it quits. This was almost 2 months ago.

Since then I've had a barrage of texts, begging, asking, declarations of love, apologies, general friendly chatty texts, spates of phone calls which I have largely ignored. It's been very draining having to keep rebuffing him. I've really tried to be sensitive and kind but have gradually become blunter in my responses. To make matters more difficult, he had a bereavement in this time which has made it more difficult to cut contact. It would have been very harsh to not respond to texts when he was grieving, but all along I've tried to be polite etc. but to keep my responded neutral and not give him false hope . but each time I've responded in kind has resulted in him repeatedly asking for another chance. It sounds terribly, but I feel he has used his bereavement as a way of keeping lines of communication open.
He sends lots of photos of diy he's done etc (I think to sort of prove that he's changed and is getting his life on track). He has turned up at my door too, despite me explicitly telling him not to come over. I think it has come as a bit of a shock that I actually mean to stay broken up with him, and he's not dealing with it too well.

The last straw was yet another begging text on the day of the funeral pleading to give us a chance and thy he wants to grow old together etc. Again I tried to be polite but in no uncertain terms made it clear that I wanted to move on and that the relationship is over, and that I didn't want any more contact. He text again the next day to apologise but I didn't respond. Sorry to mention the dreaded Facebook but again, he tags me in lots of things and it's quite clear he's been looking at my profile a lot. Each time I thought I'd made it clear that it was over and I didn't wish to communicate, I'd get a couple of days of respite and then the texts would start again.

So as you can imagine, it's all been quite emotionally draining. I decided yesterday that I would quietly block him on WhatsApp and Facebook while the going was 'good'. He's since text several times to ask why I've blocked him, then demands to respond.

Basically, my question is have I been unreasonable in blocking him? He hasn't done anything 'wrong' as such, but I was dreading my phone pinging. Should I respond to his text asking why, then block him completely from my phone? Or just continue with my radio silence? I feel like I'm handling this very badly and I'm a bit useless at this sort of thing. Any advice would be gratefully received.

OP posts:
wasbumpers · 31/12/2017 22:50

MRI went ok, results soon. Thank you for the good wishes. I took the flowers with me and gave them to the ultrasound dept receptionist!

When i read your responses it does help me see how bad it's getting. Because he was always a 'nice guy' i know that he isn't doing this to harass me but just to win me back. Either way it's really taking its toll, every time a car pulls up im anxious. At the hospital i was scared he'd be there, i was genuinely panicking that he'd just arrive.

He text my sister asking to know the scan results and tell me he loves me, she told him to leave me alone. I was thinking i might get her to send him one last message saying that We are done. We are finished. There is no future, so please stop contacting me.

Or send a letter saying the same thing? Surely it should be bloody obvious by now? Is he just really sad and hurting or is he actually a bit unhinged?

Thanks again for your support. Means a lot!

BattleCuntGalactica · 01/01/2018 09:26

@wasbumpers god no don't send someone or write him a letter to tell him to leave you alone - you NEED TO CALL THE POLICE. This isn't going to stop otherwise.

princesssparkle1 · 01/01/2018 09:44

Call

The

Police

Now

wasbumpers · 01/01/2018 09:49

Just found this email from 30th dec, didn't know he had my email address. Another surge of anxiety on another day. Think police is going to have to be my next step, feel bloody stupid :(

Hi wasbumpers
I know you have moved on and want to get on with your life with other people and I appreciate that and understand how you feel
It’s heartbreaking for me to see this but I do see it from your point of view I’ve been a fool and have made a massive error last year
I hope you find your happiness, I miss you loads and the kids
If you do find a decent guy make sure he’s right for the kids it’s such a big thing I wish we had a kid together and got married it’s such a regret you’re a great mother I would be a great dad too
We could have been so happy
But please let me know how your scan goes tomorrow??

Love you always xxx

another20 · 01/01/2018 10:24

This isn’t a “nice guy” who just wants to get back with you.

This is someone who doesn’t care what you want - he just wants to railroad you, control you and processes you - so he gets what HE wants. Despite your words to him and the distress you are feeling he continues to ignore you and seek to fulfill his own needs by trampling on yours.

This is abuse.

How disrespectful that he goes behind your back to seek private medical information from your sister.

This is so disrespectful and will escalate.

loveyoutothemoon · 01/01/2018 11:09

Why has no-one noticed that calmandbright is making out she's two different posters?

Emmageddon · 01/01/2018 11:19

Stalking definitely needs reporting to the police.

BattleCuntGalactica · 01/01/2018 11:21

@loveyoutothemoon oh hush. It's two people in different states of a similar situation.

OnTheRise · 01/01/2018 11:46

Because he was always a 'nice guy' i know that he isn't doing this to harass me but just to win me back.

He is harassing you. He knows you don't want to get back together with him and he's trying to bully you into it.

These are not the actions of a "nice guy". These are the actions of a bullying abuser.

ALLIS0N · 01/01/2018 11:52

wasbumpers

This isn’t a “nice guy” who just wants to get back with you. This is someone who doesn’t care what you want - he just wants to railroad you, control you and processes you - so he gets what HE wants.Despite your words to him and the distress you are feeling he continues to ignore you and seek to fulfill his own needs by trampling on yours

This is abuse

This.

He is harassing your family and friends to get info about you and to force them to do what he wants. Next thing it will be your children.

Please get Police advice and also contact the organisations linked to above that help victims of stalking. You might need to notify the children’s school / nursery in case he tries to contact them there

We had problems when we went NC with a relative, they turned you outside the school with gifts and a sob story. We had to be very clear and tell the school that this person was a risk to the children and to please call the police . They don’t need all the background as the relative didn’t have parental rights.

PastaOfMuppets · 01/01/2018 12:09

Omg Wasbumpers he is not a nice guy. He is harassing you. You sound terrified and rightly so. He is refusing to leave you alone and is trying every way of getting you to respond. Please go to the police now

calmandbright · 03/01/2018 20:28

I'm not another poster. I started the thread, and wasbumpers joined with her situation and has been given some sound support and advice, as was I. We are two different posters! Please rtft.

wasbumpers I know the thought of calling the police is intimidating and despite there being every and very good reason to need to involve them at this stage, you're reluctant for a number of reasons. But i really think you'll feel a million times better once you do. Fact of the matter is, no matter how good you believe his intentions are, his behaviour is not acceptable in the slightest, and is causing you stress, worry, frustration and probably about a million other emotions. You've been crystal clear that the relationship is over and you want no more contact. He is consistently and persistently ignoring this. You've done all you can lovely. Maybe a cautionary visit from an officer in uniform will be the proverbial glass of cold water in the face he needs. I'm stressed on your behalf you poor thing Sad I promise; you're not being dramatic, you're not overreacting.

OP posts:
calmandbright · 03/01/2018 21:06

An update on my own situation:

Have heard nothing for weeks (relief!) but went for a meal with a mutual friend a few weeks ago who said that the ex had found out the name of a friend who I've been on some dates with (it's going well!). I have no idea how he could have got this information. She said it was from (bloody!) Facebook, but other than the new guy 'liking' a couple of posts (that a ton of other people liked too) there is no evidence at all that we're even linked, and since ex is blocked that shouldn't be possible anyway! Plus new guy has been a friend for years and would usually like things I post.

Just after Xmas I received a gift in the post. Unmarked package addressed to me with no note or message. I text a couple of friends who might have sent it but no one had. I have a fairly strong feeling it was from ex, but of course there's no WAY I'm going to ask.

Furthermore, I've recently taken up a new hobby (where I ran into new bloke a few times, & he asked me on a date!) Not a shockingly uncommon pursuit, but not run of the mill. Mutual friend has been in touch tonight saying that she'd received a text from ex saying he was going to get into this new sport (which in and of itself is unbelievable because he's the least active guy on the planet) and wanted to know if friend knew the place and time I go to said hobby in case he runs into me and doesn't want me to think he's stalking me. Ffs! Seems to me it's exactly what he's doing!

But of course, I can't say a single thing to anyone can I?! It's so stealthy. Anonymous gift. And if he did see me there there's no way I could 'prove' he was there because of me. So I'm now weary of going to hobby again in case he turns up. I feel like I'm going mad! I feel like his his behaviour is really devious Angry

Do you think I should act upon this in any way? There's nothing I can do is there?!

OP posts:
Zoo33 · 03/01/2018 22:03

Hi @calmandbright and @wasbumpers. I hope you're both doing okay. Not sure what to say (and I don't mean to hijack your post) other than your strength in all of this is inspiring.

I made the decision to leave my partner 3 weeks ago (moved out 2 weeks ago) after realising that he was controlling (and according to some, a bully and emotionally abusive). Guess I was blind to it at the time. We don't have children as my recent pregnancy ended in miscarriage. We were weeks away from exchanging on a house. He claims he was about to propose. It's been a rather traumatic few months.

He's not taking the split well - he turned up on Sunday at my parents' house (a 2 hour drive) and refused to leave until I'd spoken to him (cue 2 hours of crying (both of us), pleading and promising me everything I want before I had to walk away).

His contact is intermittent and varied from random WhatsApp's just saying hello, angry emails (telling me I'll never find a decent man at my age (34) and won't get to have children unless I go back to him) to loving (telling me I'm his life and he's loved me from the moment he saw me 4 years ago and he wants to marry me and he's sorry for not treating me very well but he'll change. He's just asked me to meet him on Friday.

I can't seem to bring myself to block him although I need to do so once we've sorted out the last bit of financial stuff. It's so exhausting as I still love him but know I've made the right decision to leave. I'm rambling, sorry - I just wanted to say I really admire everyone who's gone through this and come out the other end. Wish I could fast forward through the next few months.

Brigante9 · 03/01/2018 22:27

calmandbright, you need to tell mutual friend you don’t want to hear about your ex. She shouldn’t be talking about him and recounting his conversations. It’s not appropriate and you don’t want updates on what he said/did. I’d ban her from talking about him and get her to tell him that if he turns up to the hobby, you will speak to the police.

ALLIS0N · 03/01/2018 23:02

Calmandbright - do you think that you ex is following you ? Or does he have access to your email or social media ?

How do you think he found out that you had taken up new hobby and had new BF?

My guess is that he’s not physically following you, or he would know that you are ( made up example) at the sports centre on Tuesday from 7-9 but not nessaarily what you were doing. But in fact he knows that you have taken up table tennis but he doesn’t know where and when you play.

As he just knows you are playing table tennis he must have seen a text / message / FB page . Could he be accessing someone else’s Fb account ?

Hygge · 03/01/2018 23:29

This sort of thing happened to a colleague and she was reluctant to go to the police.

Her ex would send messages in whatever way he thought they would get through. She blocked him, she changed her number, she used a different name on social media, he still kept getting through to her.

When she stopped him from contacting her one way, he found another. Eventually he had to resort to asking other people to pass on messages and information.

He was like your ex in that he would go quiet for a few days and then send a barrage of messages.

The police did take it seriously, and after she had spoken to them and they checked his name and address they realised he'd done the same thing before and was known to them.

She took printouts and screen shots of his messages, even the ones that just seemed like he was saying hello or asking how she was. It's still unwanted contact and the intention was to let her know he could still get to her, so it wasn't dismissed as just a greeting, they still considered it harassment.

The police warned him off, and it worked.

It might sound like it's not serious, but it's bothering you and he knows you don't want it.

In my own experience, we've gone NC with family members, and they refuse to accept this.

They send gifts we don't want, and then pretend they don't understand why we aren't pleased with them, because what's wrong with sending a present? Presents are nice, how could that upset anybody?

Or they put appeals on Facebook. If anybody could ask Hygge or Mr Hygge to call us, we haven't heard from them in a while and we'd like to hear their voices. We miss them.

It makes it sound like we've just been a bit slack in keeping in touch, and not that they know we don't want to speak to them at all, ever. Then some well meaning friend or relative lets us know so we can call them and we have to explain to a growing circle of people that we really don't want to know.

They think that because it's presents and nice messages, there's nothing wrong with it. It's actually really stressful and upsetting, and just recently they used the a particularly upsetting date, the anniversary of our child's death, to drop off a Christmas card and present, then got upset when it was returned to them.

I have now warned them that if they get in touch again we will start legal action to keep them away. From what I've learned, what they say doesn't matter so much as the effect it's having on us, and because we've repeatedly asked them to stop all contact, that matters more than what the contact is.

They think they have some kind of loophole because they're sending nice presents not nasty messages, but apparently that's not how it works.

I think you might need to look into doing the same thing. We have been told that if we don't want to immediately try for a restraining order we can do a cease and desist letter. You can send one yourself or have one sent via a solicitor, and we think that's what we will do. They haven't listened to us, so I think a solicitors letter will carry more weight. You only need to prove two instances of what a reasonable person would consider harassment, and it's also a way to formally record the request to leave you in peace.

Don't respond to anything else he sends to you though. Ignore but keep it, and either contact the police or consider a solicitors letter. I hope you'll be okay.

calmandbright · 03/01/2018 23:59

I don't think ex is physically following me, but I think he may have accessed or be accessing my Facebook or something using someone else's account. I've trawled through the past few weeks and there was once instance of new man tagging me in a hobby related article. It can only be this really, as I've not mentioned hobby to anyone else apart from my parents (who he never met). It's such pathetic behaviour. I'm going to suspend my fb account for a bit and force another level of no contact, but this bugs the shit out of me as I really do enjoy using it sporadically as most of my oldest, close friends and a few close relatives are scattered around the globe and it's lovely keeping in with them all.

Another couple of mutual friends that I was previously very close have also really cooled their relationship with me as I know (again from mutual friend who told me about the hobby stuff) that the last time I saw the wife he gave her hell afterwards trying to pump her for names and information about what I'm doing / if I'm seeing anyone etc. The wife didn't give anything away (and didn't know any finer details of anything) but he was really persistent apparently. So I think they've probably decided to edge back from the drama. I don't blame them Angry

He really has fucked with my life Angry I think perhaps time to take a step back from the mutual friends for now at least, which is a shame. In defence of the friend who told me about the hobby - I think she was giving me a heads up that he might turn up. I'm not sure if I prefer to know or not though, as I'm now back to that place of feeling a bit on edge again. He's acting like a really pathetic prick. Really angry tonight.

Apologies for the rant, and the over use of 'mutual friend' GrinSmile and I really appreciate the replies. Sad to hear of others immersed in this type of bullshit too. Some great advice on this thread.

OP posts:
ALLIS0N · 04/01/2018 08:21

I’m glad you have found your anger and understand that he’s not “ being nice “ . He is indeed fucking with your life, which is the point of this . He’s showing you that HE gets to decide when this ends, not you, he’s is in control. You are not thinking about your new hobby or new BF, you are thinking about him. This is exactly what he wants.

Don’t apologise about the rant - it’s your thread, rant away.

But You need to contact the police now, I think you know that. This won’t just go away if you are nice.

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