Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Blocking - have I been unreasonable?

119 replies

calmandbright · 10/12/2017 13:51

Long story short, I broke up with my ex in the summer (2 year relationship, no kids, no joint commitments etc). For me the break was a long time coming and to be honest, the relationship had probably run its course for me about a year ago. Lovely guy, and we spent a lot of time together but for many and various reasons the relationship never deepened past a boyfriend/girlfriend type status and the last year we weren't even having sex, hadn't met my friends and family (I'd offered many times but a mixture of being set in his routine, some physical and mental health factors and social anxiety meant he never took that leap, although I socialised a LOT with his friends and family etc) Not to say that it was bad - got on like a house on fire, but he just wasn't a very good fit for my personality overall (very introverted to the point of reclusive whereas I'm very sociable etc). We were friends a long time before this (we go back years).

After I made the break, he didn't really object too much and I didn't hear from him for many weeks. Obviously was difficult in the initial stages of heartbreak but I fairly quickly moved on in terms of life as a whole. Felt quite relieved and free to be honest and started enjoying life, meeting with friends and getting back into things and hobbies I'd let slide, and a couple of months later signed up to tinder and started dating a bit too.

So here's where it gets murky. He got back in touch asking for another chance. I was clear that I didn't want to, but the texts continued, he turned up at my house begging for another chance. I ended up agreeing to a date which was fun, but within a couple of days I decided that I was probably making a mistake getting back together so I called it quits. This was almost 2 months ago.

Since then I've had a barrage of texts, begging, asking, declarations of love, apologies, general friendly chatty texts, spates of phone calls which I have largely ignored. It's been very draining having to keep rebuffing him. I've really tried to be sensitive and kind but have gradually become blunter in my responses. To make matters more difficult, he had a bereavement in this time which has made it more difficult to cut contact. It would have been very harsh to not respond to texts when he was grieving, but all along I've tried to be polite etc. but to keep my responded neutral and not give him false hope . but each time I've responded in kind has resulted in him repeatedly asking for another chance. It sounds terribly, but I feel he has used his bereavement as a way of keeping lines of communication open.
He sends lots of photos of diy he's done etc (I think to sort of prove that he's changed and is getting his life on track). He has turned up at my door too, despite me explicitly telling him not to come over. I think it has come as a bit of a shock that I actually mean to stay broken up with him, and he's not dealing with it too well.

The last straw was yet another begging text on the day of the funeral pleading to give us a chance and thy he wants to grow old together etc. Again I tried to be polite but in no uncertain terms made it clear that I wanted to move on and that the relationship is over, and that I didn't want any more contact. He text again the next day to apologise but I didn't respond. Sorry to mention the dreaded Facebook but again, he tags me in lots of things and it's quite clear he's been looking at my profile a lot. Each time I thought I'd made it clear that it was over and I didn't wish to communicate, I'd get a couple of days of respite and then the texts would start again.

So as you can imagine, it's all been quite emotionally draining. I decided yesterday that I would quietly block him on WhatsApp and Facebook while the going was 'good'. He's since text several times to ask why I've blocked him, then demands to respond.

Basically, my question is have I been unreasonable in blocking him? He hasn't done anything 'wrong' as such, but I was dreading my phone pinging. Should I respond to his text asking why, then block him completely from my phone? Or just continue with my radio silence? I feel like I'm handling this very badly and I'm a bit useless at this sort of thing. Any advice would be gratefully received.

OP posts:
calmandbright · 10/12/2017 15:39

teens I actually don't think the posters have been deluded actually. While I'm not afraid per se, it's a fairly unpleasant feeling being worried about having someone turn up at your door and cause a scene, or having to modify your behaviour e.g. having to ask the snap-happy/social media loving types in my friendship group not to tag me in group night out photos etc in case he sees where I am etc. I really genuinely believe that even if he did turn up if I told him to leave he would just go away with his tail between his legs, but it's nevertheless an emotionally turbulent way to live (and I like a quiet life!!). I don't think it's such daft advice. I know it's been getting to me for me to have mentioned it to me exH. With any luck this is the end of it now.

OP posts:
Teensandfuture · 10/12/2017 15:47

If police understanding will be he's no threat and you were in relationship with him before and keep communicating,then they won't do much I'm afraid,probably won't even give him a warning call.

Teensandfuture · 10/12/2017 15:52

Although I do understand the emotional aspect of it.I was stalked not long ago by someone I met off tinder and went on one coffee date with him.He was all over me in a space of one hour and saying casual racist things towards Asians and muslims. I had to block him on everything,after clearly saying I'm not interested. He still manages to call and text,I see blocked calls poping up. In my case I actually have no idea how dangerous he is as I don't know him at all.

Offred · 10/12/2017 15:56

I’m not at all saying he will progress to murder. I’ve deliberately said the only progression beyon what he is currently doing is murder; to indicate that yes, what he is doing is actually quite seriously bad.

Whilst the op may not be afraid that he will physically hurt her, what he is doing is already making the op modify her behaviour (through intimidation); he’s pressured her into starting the relationship again, she’s moderating her language and responses to try and reduce the risk of further behaviour etc.

No-one is saying people struggling with getting over a relationship are bad people. What we are saying is that acting in this way towards someone who has clearly and repeatedly said they don’t want to be with you, don’t want contact with you etc is criminal behaviour of a serious kind.

This is not about him not wanting the relationship to be over, this is about him feeling that is ok to try and impose himself and his will on the op, against her express wishes and feelings and the effect this kind of behaviour has on someone. There is no excuse for that.

Going to the police would not be overkill, nor would warning him that is what you will do OP.

There are also some stalking resources here;

www.itv.com/thismorning/stalking-helplines

Offred · 10/12/2017 15:58

And what you say about the police is bollocks btw.

calmandbright · 10/12/2017 16:20

I won't be contacting the police at the moment, and continue with the NC. But if i receive any more calls or texts or visits I'll tell him that the police will be my next step, and follow through. Thank you all so much for the advice Smile

OP posts:
Teensandfuture · 10/12/2017 18:24

Offred are you in police or had first hand experience in reporting nonviolent stalker to police? Some people actually had experienced tge system and speak from that experience.

laudanum · 10/12/2017 18:49

Teens

I have had experience of reporting someone to the police after things escalated, and Offred is totally right.

Offred · 10/12/2017 18:59

Have a read of the cps guidance...

He’s monitoring her use of SM to the extent she is feeling the need to tell her friends not to give away her location, he is turning up at her home and repeatedly trying to contact her despite being told contact is unwelcome...

TammySwansonTwo · 10/12/2017 19:00

The thing is, people like this rely on the fact that women are often too worried about being liked, being "nice", not "rocking the boat" and exploit it. We are trained into seeing the good in people, not wanting to hurt feelings, I am exactly the same but you have made it clear many times that you don't want to speak to him yet he persists. Block him everywhere, and if / when he manages to get through that, tell him this is criminal behaviour and you're calling the police. The police will take this seriously.

calmandbright · 12/12/2017 01:09

Well I took the plunge and blocked him from being able to text message last night. Hadn't had any further contact up to that point. All fine so far, no unexpected visits. Honestly, throughout the relationship he's been chilled out to the point of horizontal, no abuse, not a crossed word, no jealousy - zero red flags. Since we've split though, and especially after my pathetic attempt at no contact, his actions seem so different from how I've presumed he'd take the breakup (I've know him for 15 yrs! And lived with him non romantically previously) that it's thrown me a bit. He's friendly with most of his exes so I know it's not a pattern of behaviour - I think more the shock of me breaking up when he thought we would stay together forever, with grief chucked in, as well as a very insular life which I think I was a huge physical part of so my absence is keenly felt if you know what I mean, has prompted this weird pushy behaviour.

The second time he showed up I just had this niggling feeling he'd show up, and he did. Now I don't seem to be able to shake that niggly feeling, hence my instinct to go quiet on social media. If I posted anything at all (just daft cat memes usually Grin) he'd be the first to 'like' or make a comment. I don't mean to try to dramatise this, it's a non issue really, it more just irritated me because if I had someone telling me clearly and concisely that they didn't want to speak to me then there's no WAY I'd be all over their social media. If I knew that he could see where I was, I wouldn't be able to relax without that tiny niggle so it's just been easier for me to go dark for my own piece of mind.

I'm just quietly rehearsing a response to send him on his way if he does show up I'll have a clear and correct thing to say. I'm thinking something like 'leave now, you're not welcome at my house. It's my choice not to be in contact, if you can't respect that I will call the police'. Does that sound ok?

OP posts:
calmandbright · 12/12/2017 01:15

tammy you're spot on with the 'being nice'. I've definitely been nicer than I should have been, I've given a inch and he's taken a mile each and every time. I'm no pushover though (I'm pretty feisty!) but I think up until now have been far too accommodating from feelings of guilt and pity. Now I've found my anger he won't get away with it any more.

OP posts:
laudanum · 12/12/2017 03:30

If he turns up, don't answer the door or say anything, just call the police. If you must say something, just loudly say you're calling the police. Hopefully that will send him on his way. Make sure it's 999 that you call if he turns up too, not the non emergency line. The thing is, if his behaviour has been unchallenged before, he clearly thinks this stuff is okay when it isn't. Fingers crossed that he leaves you be, but if he doesn't, please protect yourself.

TammySwansonTwo · 12/12/2017 11:02

I get it. I really struggle with saying "no", my mum raised a proper people pleaser and it has caused me trouble my entirely life. My husband is aghast at this because I am so forthright in so many ways and certainly have no problems telling him what's what. But even then, I've had to make a conscious effort to stand up for myself, and I know so much of this is female socialisation.

I try to think "wpuld a bloke stand for this shit?" or "would this person treat a man this way?". The answer is almost always no, and then I try to make myself respond adequately. But it's a challenge.

sonjadog · 12/12/2017 11:40

I think you are handling this really well. It is a difficult situation. I hope he backs off now.

StormTreader · 12/12/2017 12:11

I've been the other side of this. I was head-over-heels in love for the first time and he dumped me out of the blue via letter - I just couldnt cope with it or let it go. He blocked me in the end, and honestly it was the best thing he could have done because without being actually able to seek the contact I was craving, it finally started to fade.

Block him, for his own good.

AdalindSchade · 12/12/2017 12:23

He's not a nice guy. He doesn't respect your autonomy.

sonjadog · 13/12/2017 17:51

How’s it going? Has he backed off?

Chikka1971 · 13/12/2017 18:31

If you go to the police you can ask them to issue a Police Information Notice. They will just deliver this to him and it's just a warning. So if he then continues to contact you after that there would be no doubt that he is harassing you. This might be just the shock he needs but would not give him a criminal record.

wasbumpers · 14/12/2017 17:43

Calmandbright - i could have written this myself, every last word. Even the turning up. I don't know how many times I've had the conversation about it being over but he just wont leave me alone. I know i need to block but am racked with guilt and feel bad for him.

He does the same emotional messages, sends photos of us in happier times, videos of him with my kids, quotes previous messages or FB posts that I've sent. Tells me he misses the kids, that they need him around, that my behaviour affects them badly. Why can't i just be strong and block him? 🙁

sonjadog · 14/12/2017 18:12

Why do you feel guilty about blocking him, was bumpers? Do you think his right to harass you is greater than you and your family's right to peace and to live your lives as you choose? And if so, why do you think that?

wasbumpers · 14/12/2017 19:01

It feels so harsh to cut him out completely because he's devastated about the split, i almost feel i owe him an explanation somehow. Even though ive explained it hundreds of times. I guess i want him to agree its over and just fade away but that just isnt going to happen is it?

I facilitated the entire relationship, he harks back to when we were happy. Course he was happy When i was doing everything, paying for everything, even picking him up and dropping him off!! When i pulled him up on it, i felt like a cow, hoped hed change. He didn't. I ended it. He changed.

So i guess the guilt is based on lots of things. He has bought Christmas presents for the kids 'ill come over and drop them off' errr no!! I've said no. He still wont have it, he'll just 'drop by'.

Such a mess and im exhausted by it :(

OnTheRise · 14/12/2017 19:28

He's not a lovely man. He's ignoring your repeated requests that he leave you alone. He thinks his feelings are more important than yours.

I know he's not done anything dangerous so you feel safe. But I did too, when an ex behaved this way with me.

I was wrong to feel safe around him.

If he does turn up on your doorstep phone the police. Keep yourself safe. And for goodness' sake lock down your Facebook account so he can't see your posts. He shouldn't know what's happening in your life anymore.

calmandbright · 14/12/2017 20:33

No contact this week but he's blocked on everything now. Plus I'm almost 100% confident that he wouldn't turn up when my kids are here, but knows I won't have them over the weekend so this weekend will be the clincher I think.

wasbumpers your situation sounds horrendous Sad please do follow the advice on this thread.

OP posts:
wasbumpers · 14/12/2017 22:54

thank you calmandbright, sorry to hijack your thread x

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread