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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Blocking - have I been unreasonable?

119 replies

calmandbright · 10/12/2017 13:51

Long story short, I broke up with my ex in the summer (2 year relationship, no kids, no joint commitments etc). For me the break was a long time coming and to be honest, the relationship had probably run its course for me about a year ago. Lovely guy, and we spent a lot of time together but for many and various reasons the relationship never deepened past a boyfriend/girlfriend type status and the last year we weren't even having sex, hadn't met my friends and family (I'd offered many times but a mixture of being set in his routine, some physical and mental health factors and social anxiety meant he never took that leap, although I socialised a LOT with his friends and family etc) Not to say that it was bad - got on like a house on fire, but he just wasn't a very good fit for my personality overall (very introverted to the point of reclusive whereas I'm very sociable etc). We were friends a long time before this (we go back years).

After I made the break, he didn't really object too much and I didn't hear from him for many weeks. Obviously was difficult in the initial stages of heartbreak but I fairly quickly moved on in terms of life as a whole. Felt quite relieved and free to be honest and started enjoying life, meeting with friends and getting back into things and hobbies I'd let slide, and a couple of months later signed up to tinder and started dating a bit too.

So here's where it gets murky. He got back in touch asking for another chance. I was clear that I didn't want to, but the texts continued, he turned up at my house begging for another chance. I ended up agreeing to a date which was fun, but within a couple of days I decided that I was probably making a mistake getting back together so I called it quits. This was almost 2 months ago.

Since then I've had a barrage of texts, begging, asking, declarations of love, apologies, general friendly chatty texts, spates of phone calls which I have largely ignored. It's been very draining having to keep rebuffing him. I've really tried to be sensitive and kind but have gradually become blunter in my responses. To make matters more difficult, he had a bereavement in this time which has made it more difficult to cut contact. It would have been very harsh to not respond to texts when he was grieving, but all along I've tried to be polite etc. but to keep my responded neutral and not give him false hope . but each time I've responded in kind has resulted in him repeatedly asking for another chance. It sounds terribly, but I feel he has used his bereavement as a way of keeping lines of communication open.
He sends lots of photos of diy he's done etc (I think to sort of prove that he's changed and is getting his life on track). He has turned up at my door too, despite me explicitly telling him not to come over. I think it has come as a bit of a shock that I actually mean to stay broken up with him, and he's not dealing with it too well.

The last straw was yet another begging text on the day of the funeral pleading to give us a chance and thy he wants to grow old together etc. Again I tried to be polite but in no uncertain terms made it clear that I wanted to move on and that the relationship is over, and that I didn't want any more contact. He text again the next day to apologise but I didn't respond. Sorry to mention the dreaded Facebook but again, he tags me in lots of things and it's quite clear he's been looking at my profile a lot. Each time I thought I'd made it clear that it was over and I didn't wish to communicate, I'd get a couple of days of respite and then the texts would start again.

So as you can imagine, it's all been quite emotionally draining. I decided yesterday that I would quietly block him on WhatsApp and Facebook while the going was 'good'. He's since text several times to ask why I've blocked him, then demands to respond.

Basically, my question is have I been unreasonable in blocking him? He hasn't done anything 'wrong' as such, but I was dreading my phone pinging. Should I respond to his text asking why, then block him completely from my phone? Or just continue with my radio silence? I feel like I'm handling this very badly and I'm a bit useless at this sort of thing. Any advice would be gratefully received.

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 19/12/2017 10:23

wasbumpers, I think you should tell him you will contact the police if he contacts you again in any way, and then block him. Then follow through if/when he does.

Offred · 19/12/2017 14:44

It’s past that point IMO.

Technically I think it is two or more incidences that cause either a fear of violence or alarm/distress (either the perpetrator intended to cause alarm/distress or it could reasonably be assumed to cause a likelihood of alarm/distress).

Offred · 19/12/2017 14:45

That’s harassment BTW. Stalking is slightly different.

Cheeseislife · 19/12/2017 19:48

I wouldn't have accepted the cards and gifts in your shoes wasbumpers - it would have been more of a statement to refuse them.

wasbumpers · 19/12/2017 23:45

He wasnt controlling as such, just had to know every detail about everything. He would always seek reassurance about himself from me and the kids. When the split first started at the beginning of October, he'd send videos and audio files of the kids of them saying they liked him. And photos of them together. And videos of our time together (nothing naughty!). God knows what he was trying to achieve. Turned up twice uninvited. So i guess he was inadvertently piling on the emotional stuff.

I took your advice and blocked hom from messaging me on Facebook. Feels very strange to have to be so brutal, almost like im overreacting? But i am so done with it all, i am just so worn down and numb i think.

I'm worried he'll turn up or find some other way to contact me, but will have to wait it out. Without wanting to out myself i work for the police.... advice was the same as yours. To call if it continues. 24 hrs clear of hearing from him, long may this continue!

I'm regretting taking the gifts in, my friend was with me - she accepted them in. I genuinely don't think i would have any strength to tell him to stick it! Im trying to look at them as payback for me driving him round for 2 years!

Cant thank you all enough for checking in on me, it helps so much.

calmandbright · 20/12/2017 09:59

You're not over reacting I promise. I sort of felt that I was with my ex, but what a blessed relief it's been not to have to deal with any of it anymore. I also tried to view it as I was doing him a favour as he now has no way to keep torturing himself by Facebook checking and composing these long messages etc. so it should help him to move on quicker. But do take care - refuse gifts, and if he turns up warn him you'll be contacting the police as it amounts to out and out harassment. As another poster said (sorry can't remember who) - you've given him your time, but now you've broken up you owe him nothing. It really helped me with my blocking resolve! Keep us updated.

OP posts:
wasbumpers · 20/12/2017 13:14

It seems i only blocked notifications on fb, there was another message. Anxiety through the roof again. I have been having counselling over the past few months to try and break away from him. His message said

'I know a psychotherapist and she said loads of people come to her after counselling and that they're in a very negative place and benefit greatly from seeing her. Call her in the new year, i think it could help you x'

So I've now totally removed him, unfriended him as well. Why the bloody hell do i still feel guilty!

Offred · 20/12/2017 13:22

Because women are socialised to always be nice to men even when they are being really creepy fuckers.

wasbumpers · 21/12/2017 15:37

A letter arrived this morning :(

OnTheRise · 21/12/2017 17:27

Don't read it. Take it to the police, along iwth all the other messages.

wasbumpers · 21/12/2017 23:44

I did read it. Stupid stupid stupid. Full of all the 'good times ' how I'll regret my decision, that he loves me and i shouldn't have blocked him. Why won't he just leave me the fuck alone! I haven't replied to anything he's sent me. Id feel like a wally going to the police, but I've had my full of all this. I guess he's trying to provoke a response?

laudanum · 22/12/2017 07:11

@wasbumpers okay this is beyond normal. He's actively circumventing being told to leave you alone. You've unfriended and blocked him. He won't take no for an answer and has sent you a letter. He isn't going to get the message until you take this further. This is stalking and harassment.

Please, please speak to a solicitor, and tell the police what's going on. This is getting very much out of hand. His next escalation will be physical stalking and harassment which mostly leads to violence. You have lots of support here.

sonjadog · 22/12/2017 07:28

This guy is beyond normal now. He is harassing you. You need to be strong now and stop this. I think you should get the police involved now.

Arkengarthdale · 22/12/2017 09:25

Please take this seriously. It's really not ok on any level. The reason he won't just leave you the fuck alone is that your wishes do not count or matter to him. You are in a potentially dangerous situation. What will it take for you to see this is serious? Do take care

calmandbright · 27/12/2017 10:02

wasbumpers have you had any more harassment? Hope you had a quiet Christmas 🎄

OP posts:
wasbumpers · 28/12/2017 16:33

It was until today.

Another letter. Its full of how good we are together, how much he loves me and the kids. How much the kids loved him. How it's to good to throw away. How much he can help me, how its 'a sad situation but one that can change and hopefully will' (and plenty more besides)

I know i shouldnt have read it. I can't explain why i did, i know it was bloody stupid. Christ this is shit.

Thanks for listening to me.

OnTheRise · 28/12/2017 18:28

Wasbumpers, you've had so much to cope with. I know that letter must have upset you, but don't let it hold you back. You're good.

calmandbright · 30/12/2017 06:44

This guy literally has no self respect does he?! If any more letters arrive pleeeeease don't read them - file them straight under B (the bin!). You're doing so well. I really hope he gives up soon - it must be doing your head in Sad do you think it might be worth getting a PIN served? It might hasten the process of him stopping all this crap if he's given a finger-wagging by someone in uniform. I hope you managed to have a nice Xmas without this plonker in your life x

OP posts:
princesssparkle1 · 30/12/2017 06:51

Block on all mediums. If he calls round to your house tell him that you will call the police and do if he doesn't leave. This is harassment

wasbumpers · 31/12/2017 00:15

flowers arrived today. I have an mri tomorrow (nye!!) And the flowers were to wish me well and he wants to know how the scan goes. I saw the van pull up and felt sick. He's not going to give up is he?

another20 · 31/12/2017 01:54

Send the flowers back.
Dont open anything or receive anything.
Got to the police and get a PIN

BattleCuntGalactica · 31/12/2017 03:13

It's time to call the police @wasbumpers. You need to do this. Please.

trojanpony · 31/12/2017 08:26

wasbumpers do not bin the letters - keep them as evidence as as others have said you really should log this with the police.

I think you are so close to this you cannot see how crazily inappropriate his behaviour is and how far from normal your life is becoming.

It’s harassment pure and simple and I especially dislike the gas lighting tone of his letter.

Please please please contact the police - the shock of it may make him back off.

Hope the mri goes okay Flowers

OnTheRise · 31/12/2017 10:00

Keep all the letters. Make a note of the florist the flowers came from.

If you haven't already done this, send him a message in writing to say you don't want him to contact you at all ever again, and keep a copy of that message.

Then as soon as he contacts you again, go to the police.

calmandbright · 31/12/2017 13:14

This is so far beyond 'taking the breakup badly' now. POLICE. NOW. I really urge you to make that call. I know how stressed out I felt after just a couple of weeks of very low level stuff, you must be going out of your mind. I hope your MRI goes ok x

OP posts:
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