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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh told me I should go on a diet

135 replies

honeycaramelbiscuitfudge · 02/12/2017 22:30

I am quite hurt by it. For context I am not overweight. But he has been making unpleasant remarks about my body for a while now and I have said to him that just before Christmas is probably not the best time to be going on about it.

Am I being over sensitive?

OP posts:
Ttbb · 03/12/2017 20:58

Unless you are experiencing health problems that could be improved by changing your diet/loosing weight he really doesn't have any right to tell you to diet (for what would be purely aesthetic reasons). Unfortunately that's the kind of thing that happens if you have the misfortune to marry a shallow person.

TiredOfThisAll · 03/12/2017 21:19

Flowers no-one wants to know it, when they realise that their husband is not the nice person they thought. You find yourself waking in an alien landscape.

But the alternative is believing it is you, which will do you and your DD far more damage in the long run, because you eventually stop knowing which way is up and that makes you vulnerable again. It is not you.

It is good that you have a RL friend who knows the situation.

Original poster
honeycaramelbiscuitfudge · 03/12/2017 22:08

He has made a few unpleasant remarks today disguised as jokes and they are starting to really get to me.

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 03/12/2017 22:20

What a total wanker he is. Do you think you could call him on it, and tell him that any comments or "jokes" or anything at all about your weight or size are out of bounds. Tell him that it is upsetting and undermining. Do you think he would respond to that, or would it just make him be more unpleasant?

Original poster
honeycaramelbiscuitfudge · 03/12/2017 22:26

Thanks, I have, it just seems to encourage him.

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 03/12/2017 22:28

Ah, that is shit of him, sorry OP.

Do you have anyone in rl that you could talk to about this and what you might want to do next?

Original poster
honeycaramelbiscuitfudge · 03/12/2017 22:36

My friend is brilliant but overseas and so it can be hard to really talk, hopefully will see her over Christmas.

OP posts:
Jellyheadbang · 04/12/2017 05:08

What a cunt. I am shocked he asked your little girl this. Sadly I have known men like this. He met you when you were ill and he is trying to provoke and undermine You so that you become vulnerable to illness again.
Please start making plans to get aaay. You are at risk from his emotional abuse.
You are healthy, you know you are healthy
You know where you have been with regards to weight and food. He is sick for trying to drive you back there.

DamsonGin · 04/12/2017 14:17

Is there anyone else who would be supportive while your friend is away, friends or family?

Otherwise can you have a standard non-confrontational reply on hand for whenever he makes a 'joke', like 'I don't find that funny, I'm happy being a healthy weight', or similar? Or even just ignore it and have an internal mantra for yourself?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/12/2017 15:32

The thing is I was anorexic for years. Then I had children and I needed to be healthy for them. It changed everything. Now I feel dh is trying to sabotage this.

Hi OP, this sounds really horrible for you. But when I read the above, my jaw just dropped. Is it worth sitting down with him (calmly) and just saying 'I know you think you're joking but your comments about my weight are threatening my recovery and my mental health. Why are you not supporting me? Why are you putting my mental health at risk? Why do you want me to worry about my weight, when it made me ill for so many years?".

If he doesn't stop then, I would have to have a serious think about continuing the relationship.

You have worked hard to get yourself healthy for yourself and your DC, don't let this horrible man undo all that good work. Hope you can see your friend over Christmas. Flowers

TiredOfThisAll · 04/12/2017 15:45

Does he escalate the comments to try to get a response?

Try ignoring him and see.

Detach and observe his behaviour, don’t question yours (you are doing things just right and well). Write it down, so you can see any patterns.

And yes, real life support in real life Flowers

rainbowstardrops · 04/12/2017 15:46

So he met you when you were anorexic. You’ve since managed to become healthier for your child and yet he wants you back to your skinny days?
Show him the door

WhatsGoingOnEh · 04/12/2017 15:50

Irregardless is a word.

However, OP - your DH is being insulting. Even if he prefers you super-skinny, he should never insult you, or your appearance.

Original poster
honeycaramelbiscuitfudge · 04/12/2017 15:55

But where am I supposed to get rl support from? Don't Have anyone.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/12/2017 15:58

Did you contact any support groups when you were recovering from anorexia? It might be worth seeing if there are any local groups or charities you can reach out to?

Original poster
honeycaramelbiscuitfudge · 04/12/2017 16:05

No. I just realised I had to be healthy. It was a while ago in any case.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/12/2017 16:10

I don't think it matters, it is still related. Try and have a look locally, or ask your GP to recommend somewhere?

Do you have any family members you could lean on?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/12/2017 16:11

Does your DH even understand anorexia?

AmberNectarine · 04/12/2017 16:12

I've suffered from an ED on and off for years. At the moment I'm heavier than average for me (not overweight but not tiny like I have been). I have had moments of feeling panicked and out of control about it. DH has reassured me time and time again. He would rather have me put on 5 stone than be unwell again.

What your DH has said to you is a bit like telling someone in remission that you preferred them when they had cancer.

Honestly, I would leave this guy. He doesn't have your best interests at heart and I would be terrified bringing up a little girl around that kind of influence.

Original poster
honeycaramelbiscuitfudge · 04/12/2017 16:13

I have no family.

I feel this isn't an anorexia issue, I am fine, I've been fine for ages, I know I'm not fat.

OP posts:
TiredOfThisAll · 04/12/2017 16:37

No, it’s a control issue.

When you were anorexic, your energy goes on controlling yourself, you are easier to control.

Now you are looking at life beyond, you are not spending your energy controlling yourself, you are looking at a wider future - and he is trying to reign you back in by using the one thing he thinks will work (as it did in the past).

TiredOfThisAll · 04/12/2017 16:38

I mean, he is using negative comments about your weight to control you, to put you back in the place you used to be.

Nasty.

Original poster
honeycaramelbiscuitfudge · 04/12/2017 16:44

That's what I mean. It's a relationship issue, I don't need help with an eating disorder as I don't have one.

OP posts:
DamsonGin · 04/12/2017 17:01

I think you're right that it's a relationship issue and it's always good to hear anyone say they're well so I'm glad you say its not an ed issue, but he seems to have this particular agenda as his tool for control.

Where do you see this all going? How are things beyond this issue?

sadie9 · 04/12/2017 17:29

I would sit him down and say something like..."Can I talk to you for a minute? Sit down. In the past few days/weeks you have been commenting on my weight and how I look. From what you say it sounds like you think I am doing something wrong in regard to that. I would like to very firmly say to you that my appearance and weight is none of your business. I don't have to defend my weight or my size to you, regardless of the fact that you are my husband. If I have any concerns about that I'll be directing myself to my GP and not to you as its their area of expertise, not yours. Have I made myself clear, or is there anything about that which you are confused about?"
Maybe its not possible to do the above, if you wrote it down you might be able to ask him to sit down and then you read it out.
Also be aware that his remarks are to do with him, and his current state of mind. He is trying to blame his problems on your appearance. I imagine he is the type that blames everyone and everything around him except himself. And the pattern would be that you would see an escalation in these remarks when things are going bad for him at work, or he's stressed over something.
You could always turn it back on him if he makes another remark by saying...'you always seem to make these remarks about me when you are stressed, is there something bothering you at work?'...or whatever. I figure he is always 'saying things' through your daughter because he's too freaking lily livered to communicate in a mature way...You are doing absolutely nothing wrong and you have absolutely no need to be defending yourself to him.

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