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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh told me I should go on a diet

135 replies

honeycaramelbiscuitfudge · 02/12/2017 22:30

I am quite hurt by it. For context I am not overweight. But he has been making unpleasant remarks about my body for a while now and I have said to him that just before Christmas is probably not the best time to be going on about it.

Am I being over sensitive?

OP posts:
HerSymphonyAndSong · 03/12/2017 10:52

OP this shouldn’t be happening. Your friend’s instincts may well be right. He probably knows it would be unreasonable for him to say “I don’t want you to go to college” so he has picked something else. And it is working - you are self-conscious about eating in front of him (this is really horrible) and it doesn’t take much for that self-consciousness to transfer to other parts of your life

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/12/2017 11:14

honeycaramel, you know that your weight is right for you and I'm going to take your word for that absolutely. He has no right to try to diminish you and it says an awful lot about him. Penis enlarger present as suggested by Afuna seems a great idea.

=====

How nice to have a perspective from clevergreene on the thread though. Now I know EXACTLY what was meant in that other thread about men being treated differently on MN. They are. With reason. Because some of them post like absolute twats.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/12/2017 11:17

CLEAVERgreene, not clevergreene.

Original poster
honeycaramelbiscuitfudge · 03/12/2017 11:26

Thanks for replying. He's been generally difficult lately but I put it down to him working more in the run up to Christmas. Now I'm wondering if my friend is right and it's about him being controlling.

OP posts:
Mrstumbletap · 03/12/2017 11:28

Is he really skinny?

Original poster
honeycaramelbiscuitfudge · 03/12/2017 11:32

No, he's a normal size (so am i. )

He asked my 2 year old if she thought mummy was pretty on an old photo of me when I was about 20 and said even DD thinks you're pretty when you're thin.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/12/2017 11:38

honeycaramel, I think this is nothing to do with his working and everything to do with you stretching your wings and going to college. He must be very insecure about that because to say such a nasty thing to you when you have no need to lose weight, is the sign of somebody who needs to control. He thinks he has - and should have - control of you. He hasn't the right to control anybody and actually, that would be my response.

"Husband, I don't know why you've suggested that I lose weight but I'm not going to. I was underweight and am now a healthy weight. You don't have the right to control me, my weight or my life. That is not what I agreed to when I married you. If I overestimated you as a person then that is something that we will have another conversation about very soon but for now, I'll put your comment down to a brain-twat but know that it hurt me".

====

I'm glad you're going to college. Go, get to meet other people and expand your network and job scope... who knows what the future holds for you but you'll be fine because you won't tolerate being married to a twat.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/12/2017 11:39

Oh, cross-posted with you. He's now bringing your daughter in this however obliquely. You can't let her pick up these body issues.

He has to be told straight - or move out.

IfNot · 03/12/2017 11:43

My friend was with a man like this for years. It wasn't the only aspect of his emotional abuse. She finally kicked him out, after he had reduced her to a mess or self doubt and insecurity. She WASN'T fat, but interestingly after she ditched him.she looked stunning and 10 years younger.
She's also found a lovely guy who tells her daily how beautiful she is and supports her plans. Listen to your friends.

Gwenhwyfar · 03/12/2017 11:44

"Nine and a half stone is about 60kg. Without knowing the OP's height, it’s impossible to say if this is "healthy". "

OP knows her own height and has told us that her weight is healthy for her height.

HouseworkIsAPain · 03/12/2017 11:45

That’s awful that he’s brought your DD into it. What a way to make her conscious about her weight by equating thin=beautiful from such a young age.

You say you were underweight before - is he attracted to very slim women and places more value on that the personality? I have a male acquaintance that will only date thin, bordering on underweight, women. He seems to think he deserves someone slim and made remarks to me about a larger woman because he can tell I’m not like that! I don’t like him and really pity any woman he lures into a relationship.

expatinscotland · 03/12/2017 11:46

'It's not acceptable to bang on about my weight. Stop doing it.'

Original poster
honeycaramelbiscuitfudge · 03/12/2017 11:47

I'm 5 foot 4 but I don't really want to go into that. As there are always people who will say that you are fat in a roundabout way as in 'oh op well I am 5 foot 8 and 7 stone so thathat is big for me.'

The thing is I was anorexic for years. Then I had children and I needed to be healthy for them. It changed everything. Now I feel dh is trying to sabotage this. But perhaps I am being sensitive. My friend is usually right though. I don't know what to do about this now.

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 03/12/2017 11:48

" I had an ex that didn’t like me when I was wearing my glasses as it meant I was “letting myself go”,"

I had a friend who used to accuse me of 'hiding behind' my glasses and suggest that was why I couldn't get a man. I thought she was mad until I came back to the UK and saw that this kind of thinking is widespread. You rarely see anyone wearing glasses on a Saturday night on the town, they're all in contacts.
Sorry for the slightly off topic.

expatinscotland · 03/12/2017 11:53

Yeah, I had an ex who tried to undermine me by body shaming. He was no oil painting, either. Dumped him pronto.

IrianOfW · 03/12/2017 11:55

"He asked my 2 year old if she thought mummy was pretty on an old photo of me when I was about 20 and said even DD thinks you're pretty when you're thin."

Really? Shock 'even'?? Shock. I wonder if DD would think the same is she know mummy was ill at the time?

I am on antidepressants and one of the side-effects for me is weight gain and a drop in libido. I am trying to imagine DH telling me that he preferred me when I was depressed because I was thinner and wanted more sex! What a cock! So sorry xxx

Peanutbuttercheese · 03/12/2017 11:56

Hi op I'm a tiny bit taller than you and have fluctuated between 8 and 9 stone all my life apart from going down to 7 when I was very ill. My DH just always says variation is the spice of life with my weight fluctiations. When you are slim weight gain and loss is very noticeable.

What worries me is he is constantly making remarks about your body. Your friends think he is trying to undermine you that speaks volumes I'm afraid,

CrypticClues · 03/12/2017 12:34

He asked my 2 year old if she thought mummy was pretty on an old photo of me when I was about 20 and said even DD thinks you're pretty when you're thin.

WTF?! What a nasty, underhand, shitty thing to say to anyone - let along someone with a history of disordered eating. If he was genuinely concerned about your weight/health/wellbeing then that's not how to go about it. Have you confronted him? Pulled him up sharp with the comment to your daughter? The last thing you want is this sort of comment to affect her body image growing up (especially when you've clearly worked hard to be healthy for them).

Original poster
honeycaramelbiscuitfudge · 03/12/2017 12:36

He just says he is right, and I hate arguments so I back down.

OP posts:
Bringbeboback · 03/12/2017 12:43

I had a boyfriend who said the same thing (I was a size 14 so was a bit overweight but I'm tall so it didn't look bad). It devestated me as the one person I wanted to love me exactly as I am wanted to change me. He would also make little negative remarks like about things like my hair, skin, boobs etc.
It's a really shitty thing to do to make someone feel insecure about themselves. A genuinely nice person wouldn't behave like that

ThePinkOcelot · 03/12/2017 12:50

My DH recently told me I needed to go on a diet. Not nastily though. The thing is, he was right.
I’m the same height as you and got in the scales at 11 st 9lbs at SW!! Your weight is my goal!!
The fact that he is saying that to you when you have been anorexic in the past makes it 10 times worse IMO! He prefers you when you are ill?! I think this would actually be a dealbreaker for me!

expatinscotland · 03/12/2017 12:53

'He just says he is right, and I hate arguments so I back down.'

It's not an argument, it's your telling him you're happy as you are. 'I don't need to diet. I'm happy as I am. STOP negging me and body shaming me. It's manipulative and abusive behaviour. STOP negging me to our daughter. It's manipulative and abusive behaviour.' He brings up your health, tell him it's fine, doctor says my weight is fine. 'But you look better 2st thinner.' 'To YOU. In your opinion. If you're not happy with a woman of my body type perhaps we're better off taking some time out so I can explore if I'm happy living with someone who body shames me.'

Cleavergreene · 03/12/2017 12:54

Oh dear, ladies. You really should stop playing the man and keep your eye on the ball! :)

OP, he’s officially a dick. It sounds like he doesn’t respect you. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to implement, but I think you need to set boundaries and have expectations that he won’t undermine or denigrate you.

Bluntness100 · 03/12/2017 12:57

God what a horrible little man. You’re a great weight for your height and it’s important for you to be a good role model for your child. Especially in light of the fact her father is an arsehole and could lead to her having body image problems growing up, she is absorbing now everything she hears.

You have to stop backing down. If he loved you he wouldn’t do this. You need to sit him down, when your daughter is in bed and tell him if he makes one more crack about your weight, one more disparaging remark or insult and the relationship is over and that you will not live with this abuse nor bring your daughter up in this environment. If he chooses to leave, tell him goodbye.

Speak quietly. Slowly. And close the conversation immediately on saying your piece. Tell him the conversation is over. It’s up to him how he acts now and walk away from him.

Then the next time he does it, you pick your daughter up and you walk. Even if it’s staying at a friends house, a relatives, or a b&b for the night, you walk away from him. Let him fucking panic.

DamsonGin · 03/12/2017 12:59

That fact that you've identified that he's trying to sabotage you is not only dangerous for your health but could also be dangerous for your daughter in years to come if she thinks she has to be underweight and unhealthy to be pretty. In fact, he's already started that of with the comment about the photo.

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