Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Just found out my partner is cheating

125 replies

brokeninsomiac · 27/11/2017 03:33

I've never posted before, just read through the top discussions that are on the email that I get. However, I'm feeling completely broken, can't sleep and don't want to talk to anyone close about this just yet, but could really do with some help.
I've literally just found out my partner is cheating on me. I was 99% certain yesterday, but still held out some deluded hope, but it's now 100%. They're currently in a hotel room together, which was explained to me as a last minute business trip. I have very good reason to believe that this isn't the first time for them. I've had suspicions, but when I've raised them he's just denied it all and turned it back on me being paranoid.
We had a previous issue nearly 10 years ago. His behaviour changed and he got very protective over his phone, even putting a new passcode on it. I gave in to my doubts and went through his pc, and found loads of flirtatious emails to a colleague. On this occasion, it hadn't gone further than a few drunken kisses at the end of work nights out (I know this for a fact, due to reading all their emails, as well as his emails to other people). When I confronted him, he got angry, tried to deny it, then tried to turn it round on me, for betraying trust and going through his pc (I know, what a dick). We split up over it, but I took him back because stupidly I wanted a family, and thought that this was my only chance. We now have 2 kids, and I thought that we'd put the past behind us, but now realise that he's a cheater and can never be trusted.
His behaviour has changed again, so I went through his emails on his ipad whilst he was out. Found an email from her confirming her travel details, and an email from him confirming 1 hotel room for 2 people. The room was booked for 2 nights, to coincide with her late arrival on Saturday, but he only went up today. I've rung the hotel and have proof that they are sharing the room. When he got back, I saw him clock that I was sat near where he'd left his ipad. Later when I checked he'd changed the passcode. He's also been making sure that he always has his phone on him.
I don't know what to do. He's due back tomorrow evening, and I'm not sure if he knows that I know. My kids will be around when he gets back, and I don't want to confront him with them around, but not sure I'll be able to keep it together until they're asleep. I also keep thinking about how devastated they are going to be, especially given the time of year.
We're supposed to be hosting Christmas this year, and we wanted it to be really special, as his mum has terminal cancer, so it may well be her last Christmas. She popped in this evening, and was wittering about how hard it must be for him having to conduct business meetings at the weekend, and miss out on his family time. I wanted to scream at her that he didn't actually have to stay over, he's only done it so he can have an overnight stay with another woman! It would break her though, so I just sat there pretending to smile and trying not to cry.
God I've been such a fool.
Got to be up in 3 hours with the kids, but just don't see me getting any sleep tonight, or possibly even for the next week.
Don't know what I'm expecting from this, but it's been good to just write it down. Sorry if it's a bit rambly.

OP posts:
Leilaniii · 27/11/2017 03:38

I might be wrong here, but for your MIL's sake, I would say nothing until after Christmas. If you can bear it.

That also gives you time to get your 'ducks in a row' as they advise on here.

Sorry you are going through this.

Zaccheryquack · 27/11/2017 03:39

So sorry to hear this. I rarely post myself but didn't want to read and run. He is being a shit and you need to confront and ltb. So much easier said than done when you have 2 children and a sick MIL though. Wishing you lots of stength. You will get some great advice on here.

brokeninsomiac · 27/11/2017 03:42

Thanks for the replies. I really love my MIL, and don't want to add to her her problems, but how am I supposed to face him tomorrow, knowing what I know? I'm not a good liar, and I can't hide my emotions!

OP posts:
PurplePumpkinHead · 27/11/2017 03:49

I'm so sorry Flowers

Get your thread moved over to relationships. You'll get some amazing advice on what to do. (Report the thread to mumsnet and they will move it for you).

brokeninsomiac · 27/11/2017 03:59

Thanks Purple, didn't realise that. I had to google how to start a thread!

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 27/11/2017 04:06

I would ex "I know you are at [X hotel] with [OW's name]. You pack and leave this house tomorrow. You can be here for Xmas for your mother and the kids sake, for the day only, then I will be filing for divorce on the grounds of your adultery. This is not up for discussion. The only thing I am prepared to discuss with you is access arrangements for the kids and financial matters, do not contact me about anything else."

You dont have to tell his mother, you can play nice over Xmas and then "officially" chuck him out afterwards. In the meantime, who gives a fuck where he goes?

whenthestarsturnblue · 27/11/2017 04:14

I suspect your thread will take off tomorrow in daylight hours and you will get lots of good advice and some forceful advice, If it was me I'd say nothing, I'd get it all in order with a solicitor, slowly pack his shit up and deliver it somewhere with divorce papers some day that suits you and have an intermediary in place for kids handovers, so you don't have to speak to him ever again. I wouldn't even give him the satisfaction of a defence or a rewriting of history. Done and find someone who loves you for real, there is another person out there that you just haven't met yet,

Spock25 · 27/11/2017 04:14

I’m so sorry OP. I think that you should definitely confront your husband as soon as you find a good time. If you try and hold out until after Christmas as another poster suggested, you’ll either end up exploding at the wrong time (when the kids are around) or you’ll eat yourself up with anger and worry. If there is a way you can discuss it with him and perhaps keep a united front for the kids and his mum that might be best? Do you have any family or friends that you can confide in?

It sounds like he’s been really quite reckless with this affair so I wonder if he maybe wanted you to find out. Subconsciously or not. Don’t let him shift any blame onto you like he did last time, (snooping on his email), what he has done is unforgivable. As sad as it will be for the kids and I’m sure you too, you definitely need to move on xx

dentalplanlisaneedsbraces · 27/11/2017 04:17

I agree with @whenthestarsturnblue
I wouldn't even have a discussion with him about it. I'd just divorce him. Fuck him.

And sorry that his Mum is sick - but that his burden to worry about for Christmas not yours. This is his mess, he will need to sort it out. You can still be there for her without putting up with him.

Bumdishcloths · 27/11/2017 04:21

I entirely disagree about playing nice until Christmas is over. Yes, it's awful that his mother is ill but that's not your fault, and neither is it your fault that he's chosen to conduct an affair. Of course it would be lovely to be able to spare her from any excess worry but at the end of the day that's his problem, not yours. I would be inclined to give him his marching orders, sorry you're having to go through this Thanks

SouthWindsWesterly · 27/11/2017 04:31

PyongyangKipperbang is bang on. Text him exactly that. Make sure that you have paperwork in order - bank statements, passports, paperwork, screenshots if you can still access the emails etc. You have until tonight to get your ducks in order. Give him the Christmas Day for the kids and his mum but other than that, you owe him nothing. He certainly didn’t consider you at all. If you can’t hide your emotions, then best confront him now.

Justanothernameonthepage · 27/11/2017 04:39

You need to stay as calm as possible right now.
You need to go and talk to a solicitor. Take evidence of family finances, wage slips, and stocks/shares and pension details.
You also need to get your emotional support, tell people who you know can keep a secret etc what is happening.
Also look up mediators if you feel you need someone calm to go through divorce negotiations with.
Decide now what the best possibility for you is with co-parenting (start from 50/50, and assume that's what he wants. If he wants less, make sure it's recorded that he doesn't want equal share) would you rather switch midweek or at weekends? Do you want to stay in the family home or sell and find a new place?
Make all the choices now and write them down so that you can hand him a copy for start of negotiating.
You don't need to consider your MIL to a point where you're lying to her, but you can still invite her for Christmas and make it clear you don't hold any anger towards her.

And start some self care. Make sure you have time to yourself everyday to walk/meditate/exercise etc. Eat healthily. Do things you enjoy.

Good luck.

QueenAmongstMen · 27/11/2017 04:47

I wouldn't delay the confrontation either. How could you look at him, hug him, kiss him and sleep with him knowing what you do? As is said on here many times, it's always worth considering an STI check if you know your husband is cheating in case he isn't using condons with her.

If you do kick him out (as you should) won't be able to keep the pretence up over Christmas for MIL's sake as I'm pretty sure one of the children would make a comment in reference to daddy not living there any more

It's incredibly sad about your MIL and I understand why you'd feel torn about not wanting to ruin her last Christmas but as has been said, that's your husband's problem to deal with. I doubt very much your husband is currently thinking about his mother whilst in the arms of his colleague so you should be thinking about yourself.

Many sympathies OP - it's really shitty to find out your partner is cheating on you.

You will get a lot of support on here though Flowers

Kickassname · 27/11/2017 05:03

I'm afraid I agree, any undue upset to his mother is his fault entirely and not yours op. You have enough to deal with. Do what you feel you want to but I would urge you not to overburden yourself by keeping his filthy lies a secret.

This is all on him. You are not to blame for anything, that includes 'snooping' (aka collecting hard evidence to back up your suspicions.)

If Christmas is affected then that is ALL his doing too. This is all happening because he can't control his penis. Remember that. You don't need to cover for him, he's an adult and responsible for his own actions. He needs to deal with the consequences.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this but there are plenty of women here who have been through it and can help you. Hang in there okay Flowers

Charolais · 27/11/2017 05:24

Let him know that you know what he’s doing and tell for the sake of the children and his mother, you want to wait until after Christmas to do what you are going to do.

kootoo123 · 27/11/2017 05:31

Agreed txt the dick and ruin whatever weekend he is having.

So sorry you are going through this but you will come out the other end.

justilou1 · 27/11/2017 05:38

I think if I were you, I wouldn't even play nice for his mother. I know she's lovely and not going to be around for long, but if you keep up appearances for her sake, it can be used against you later - ie - breaking up with him when he's vulnerable, etc.... I would sit her down and prepare her - possibly even before he comes back and let her know, show her the proof and tell her that as long as she is the grandmother of your kids, she has a place in your heart and in your lives.

NavyGold · 27/11/2017 05:42

I also agree with @PyongyangKipperbang and the wording of that text is perfection. Knowing that you are waiting for a specific time to confront him is going to make the next few weeks leading up to Christmas feel like years. It's lovely of you to be thinking of his mother but in doing that, you're effectively shifting some of the responsibility for the consequences of this situation on to yourself which you don't need to do, you already have enough to deal with getting through this whole thing with the well being of your children and yourself as it is. Any upset, any fall out, any hurt that is caused to your family-MIL included, is entirely on him.

Send the text OP. Why the hell should you be laying alone in pain while he gets to enjoy his night of adultery? Let him stew on it just like you're having to. I'm just a stranger on the internet yet it makes my blood boil for you. Sorry you're going through this Flowers

Ilovetolurk · 27/11/2017 05:43

I am sorry too Flowers

You don’t need to do anything until you are ready but nor do you need to keep this a secret because of his mother. He should have thought about that before

Can you get some support in real life today?

justilou1 · 27/11/2017 05:46

BTW - you didn't deserve this. You certainly didn't ask for this. You and your kids don't deserve to be in this situation at all. HE has made the decision to cheat on you and HE must deal with the fallout too.

prettywhiteguitar · 27/11/2017 05:46

I agree with the others, his mil is his problem. If you discover an affair surely to diviover it you have to split up over it otherwise you would not be able to use it in the divorce? I'm not sure if that's right.

Either way I would text him so when he wakes up he knows you know. I would not be letting him come home either.

This is a terrible situation for you, I'm so sorry Flowers

user1497997754 · 27/11/2017 06:12

Why should you play at happy family's over Christmas just to keep the peace....no way....he has created this situation himself....tell him you know....get him to leave...have a Christmas with your children and your family....tell him to Fuck right off and spend Christmas with his OW...change locks on front door....contact solicitor...screw him for everything you can get....

LoislovesStewie · 27/11/2017 06:13

I hope by now you have sent a text and also that you have found someone to offer you support. Please don't carry on as if nothing has happened because it has. I think I would pack his things for him and text to ask where he wants them to be sent. Please let us know how you are . As for his mother , that is his responsibility. I feel for her but he can do the explaining.

CanIBuffalo · 27/11/2017 06:29

You have evidence that he will try to make the affair and its fall out your fault. You also know that he's a serial cheat and you'd never be able to trust him again. Send kipper's text and don't engage with him.

IAmNotAWitch · 27/11/2017 06:32

That is shit OP. If you CAN hold it together then I would suggest you fake it while you speak to a lawyer and sort everything out.

Remember HE has done this, not you, the fall out for his poor Mum is on him and him alone.