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Relationships

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Just found out my partner is cheating

125 replies

brokeninsomiac · 27/11/2017 03:33

I've never posted before, just read through the top discussions that are on the email that I get. However, I'm feeling completely broken, can't sleep and don't want to talk to anyone close about this just yet, but could really do with some help.
I've literally just found out my partner is cheating on me. I was 99% certain yesterday, but still held out some deluded hope, but it's now 100%. They're currently in a hotel room together, which was explained to me as a last minute business trip. I have very good reason to believe that this isn't the first time for them. I've had suspicions, but when I've raised them he's just denied it all and turned it back on me being paranoid.
We had a previous issue nearly 10 years ago. His behaviour changed and he got very protective over his phone, even putting a new passcode on it. I gave in to my doubts and went through his pc, and found loads of flirtatious emails to a colleague. On this occasion, it hadn't gone further than a few drunken kisses at the end of work nights out (I know this for a fact, due to reading all their emails, as well as his emails to other people). When I confronted him, he got angry, tried to deny it, then tried to turn it round on me, for betraying trust and going through his pc (I know, what a dick). We split up over it, but I took him back because stupidly I wanted a family, and thought that this was my only chance. We now have 2 kids, and I thought that we'd put the past behind us, but now realise that he's a cheater and can never be trusted.
His behaviour has changed again, so I went through his emails on his ipad whilst he was out. Found an email from her confirming her travel details, and an email from him confirming 1 hotel room for 2 people. The room was booked for 2 nights, to coincide with her late arrival on Saturday, but he only went up today. I've rung the hotel and have proof that they are sharing the room. When he got back, I saw him clock that I was sat near where he'd left his ipad. Later when I checked he'd changed the passcode. He's also been making sure that he always has his phone on him.
I don't know what to do. He's due back tomorrow evening, and I'm not sure if he knows that I know. My kids will be around when he gets back, and I don't want to confront him with them around, but not sure I'll be able to keep it together until they're asleep. I also keep thinking about how devastated they are going to be, especially given the time of year.
We're supposed to be hosting Christmas this year, and we wanted it to be really special, as his mum has terminal cancer, so it may well be her last Christmas. She popped in this evening, and was wittering about how hard it must be for him having to conduct business meetings at the weekend, and miss out on his family time. I wanted to scream at her that he didn't actually have to stay over, he's only done it so he can have an overnight stay with another woman! It would break her though, so I just sat there pretending to smile and trying not to cry.
God I've been such a fool.
Got to be up in 3 hours with the kids, but just don't see me getting any sleep tonight, or possibly even for the next week.
Don't know what I'm expecting from this, but it's been good to just write it down. Sorry if it's a bit rambly.

OP posts:
clearingaspaceforthecat · 27/11/2017 06:53

I am so sorry he has done this to you OP Flowers
Agree with sending Pyong's text.
Try not to engage with him. Just send that.
Find some real life support as well as here.

LEMtheoriginal · 27/11/2017 06:55

Poor you.

This man has behaved so selfishly. His poor mum.

I would not tell her if you can avoid it for now. I think it opens up a whole can of worms that you want to keep closed for as long as you can. She will need to know but if you possibly can try and wait until the initial shit storm is over to avoid further upset for her being dragged into it. Also she may try to influence you and quite frankly that is the last thing you need right now.

Be prepared for your low life husband to not only use your MIL as an excuse but to use her illness as blackmail for you to keep things sweet.

Tell him you know and it's finished. Now is not the time for gameplaying now is the time to get everything in order. See a solicitor at the first opportunity and if possible see your gp about getting some counselling for yourself.

speakout · 27/11/2017 06:58

A locksmith would be my first call today.

His mother is his business not yours OP. I am sure she is lovely, but primarily his business.

I would have zero tolerance for this man.

No idea why you chose to have kids with this man when you already knew he was a player.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 27/11/2017 06:59

Please don’t wait until after Christmas, it Will do you no good to live a stressful lie for the next few weeks. Can you call the hotel and ask them to deliver a message to his room along the lines of dear mr x your wife says don’t bother coming home. That will ruin their little sleep over!

Gaudeamus · 27/11/2017 07:02

I'd exploit the fact that he's out of the house and simply tell him not to come back. Pack some belongings for him and leave them outside the front door; arrange later for him to come when you aren't there and get the rest of his stuff. Use the anger you have now to get the ball rolling - dragging this out for another six weeks will be agony.

(If I understand it right, he has the right to enter if the house is in his name or joint names, but hopefully the shame of being caught out will encourage him to respect your wish for him to leave.)

My view is that there's no point in staying quiet til after Christmas. My parents did this, and when they broke up in the new year the sense of betrayal that they'd lied all through Christmas was gutting. Your children and PIL might well feel the same about the 'fake' Christmas once you do separate.

Best wishes x

ferntwist · 27/11/2017 07:10

So sorry this is happening to you OP and well done on confirming everything so swiftly.

You’ll never be able to act normally until after Christmas and you shouldn’t have to. This is your partner’s mess, it’s on him. Confront him as soon as he gets back - it’s the only way you’ll keep your sanity.

ferntwist · 27/11/2017 07:11

Second thoughts - don’t wait til he crawls home - do as the previous poster said and send him a message at the hotel to spoil his little game.

You need to prioritise yourself and the children now.

ShizeItsWeegie · 27/11/2017 07:11

I too would instantly send a text. Ruin his happy hotel time and make him aware that everything has changed from this point on. You need to find a boiling pot of inner rage and that does not include a happy Christmas for him OP.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 27/11/2017 07:12

I'm so sorry to hear this. What a complete nasty arse he is. It's going to be tough but i can't imagine you'll be able to fake it until after Christmas and everyone will think it's you being off and potentially spoiling the atmosphere.

Confront him and work on from there. Brew Flowers

juddyrockingcloggs · 27/11/2017 07:14

Send him a text. Please send him a text. It'll ruin their little getaway.

It's really sad that his mum is ill, however that isn't your fault. You don't have to be the one to tell her, that's his duty. Why should you keep quiet over Christmas to make things easier or to not upset the apple cart. It's not your doing.

RadtoShayer · 27/11/2017 07:29

I think he needs to know that you know. Otherwise, it risks you spilling over in front of the DC.

So sorry this has happened to you. What is wrong with some people?

teaortequila23 · 27/11/2017 07:35

Oh you poor thing!

Firstly get evidence before he is back today.

Call a solicitor and get an appointment.

About Christmas I would say don’t hold it in as it’s not going to be pleasant for u to bottle up your anger. As for MIL sorry she’s sick but if it was the other way around she would most probably never speak to you again and don’t forget she is his mother not yours so he is her priority regardless of how wrong he has done.
I would say don’t tell her anything let him explain himself to her he will most probably spin it all on You anyway cuz he’s a dick!

teaortequila23 · 27/11/2017 07:36

Also I have no idea how u didn’t burst into that hotel room with a camera on his ass! Well done!

whiskyowl · 27/11/2017 07:39

Do NOT bloody wait until Christmas. That is terrible advice. You can't share a house and a bed with this guy until then, it will absolutely ruin your head. You NEED the outrage and the anger of the discovery to get you through the difficult part of the split.

I don't think your MIL needs protecting from this news, either. Gone are the days where we practiced a kind of Victorian denial around illness, not telling people anything (including the severity of their own disease). Use the fact that you both love and care for her to ensure that your divorce is as rational and amicable as it can be in the circumstances. People don't fear divorce per se - they fear acrimonious, nasty, protracted battles within the family, which impact disproportionately on the children.

I'm so sorry this has happened. Your partner is a twat.

brokeninsomiac · 27/11/2017 07:43

Thank you everyone. My eldest daughter woke up just after my last post, so managed to get a couple of hours sleep cuddling her, and feel better for it.
We're not married. Been together nearly twenty years, and just never thought it was that important until now! He runs is own business, and I've had a career break for past 5 years, to look after our family.
I'm not going to text him. I. Need to get financial info together, in case he's a dick about it. I also want to confront him face to face. I need to see his face when he realises what he's done. There's no coming back from this, and I don't think I could get through the pretence of Christmas.
Got to get my kids ready for school now, but thank you all for responding.

OP posts:
Fantasticmissfoxy · 27/11/2017 07:47

Its something only you can decide, but in your shoes I would try to do this;

  1. Get your game face on. Do not let on that you know. Smile sweetly, greet him brightly and carry on with your usual arrangements. Do not sleep with him. Claim a uti / thrush if you have to.
  1. Set up a new bank account for yourself. See what money you can afford to funnel into it. (Withdraw cash, and deposit in new account)
  1. Speak to a solicitor to get your housing and financial support options clear in your head.
  1. Have Christmas all together with your kids and for MIL sake.
  1. Once Christmas is done, sit him down and tell him you are getting divorced. He is a cheating miserable scumbag who has shattered his family and there is no way you are forgiving him this time. He will say you're imaging things - ignore him. He will say you're crazy - ignore him. I read somewhere on here once that you should pretend you are a little grey rock when he talks to you - don't give him anything back, just ask him calmly to leave. Make sure that if he refuses to leave, you and the kids have somewhere lined up to go.

Good luck x x

KERALA1 · 27/11/2017 07:52

Oh dear god you are not married. I am so sorry op.

Please anyone reading this if you compromise your earning potential to raise a mans children it's essential to be married.

Fantasticmissfoxy · 27/11/2017 07:52

Sorry, my post crossed with yours. I didn't realise you weren't married - that makes things very very different. Do not wait - lock him out and tell him to fuck off.

QueenAmongstMen · 27/11/2017 07:58

Another one whose heart sank when you said you weren't married.

You need to get as much proof of what his income is and what money is in your bank accounts etc I'm hoping you have a joint account instead of just one of your own which he pays your monthly allowance in to?

If you have a joint account it might be worth withdrawing as much as you can and escape the relationship ASAP!!!

I don't know how much more precarious this situation is because you aren't married but I do know that from reading enough posts on here from very knowledgable women that it's a different ball game when it comes to leaving....

Laiste · 27/11/2017 07:59

What's your housing situation OP? (sorry if i've missed it) Are you named on any mortgage ect?

chocatoo · 27/11/2017 08:00

If I was your MIL I would want to know. If she loves you as much as you love her I think that she will want to try to help you. Waiting until after Christmas is too long to try to keep pretending.

ElephantsandTigers · 27/11/2017 08:03

I'm so sorry brokeninsomniac. You own this be broken for long though. You'll be bringing up your children and being a decent person and living with a good moral code. He's a complete idiot for what he has done. Don't let him treat you like he thinks you are one too. Your MIl might turn out to be a useful allie.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 27/11/2017 08:05

OK if you aren't married you need financial paperwork showing his earnings so that you can get a CMS claim in. Unfortunately it is depressingly easy for SE people to 'massage' their earnings so that they look lower just to try and avoid child support payments. My advice would be not to hang your hat on this income because it is not guaranteed.

Is your name on the house? Do you have any joint accounts or joint savings? If so, get your own accounts opened and get half of the income moved across. Do not rely him to 'do the right thing' - he's busy lying to you about sticking his dick into someone else, so you cannot trust him at all and you need to protect yourself.

Finally, can you get back into work? You need a reliable and regular income and working will be the best way of doing that. Are there any family or friends near that could help with childcare?

MadForlt · 27/11/2017 08:06

Op, are you in Scotland? The law is better for this situation if you are. I know it's unlikely, but I'm hoping.

AdalindSchade · 27/11/2017 08:09

Oh god you've taken a career break while he builds his business and you aren't married? Fuck
Gather ALL the financial paperwork. Then investigate benefits and childcare and start looking for a job because you are going to need it.

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