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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Just found out my partner is cheating

125 replies

brokeninsomiac · 27/11/2017 03:33

I've never posted before, just read through the top discussions that are on the email that I get. However, I'm feeling completely broken, can't sleep and don't want to talk to anyone close about this just yet, but could really do with some help.
I've literally just found out my partner is cheating on me. I was 99% certain yesterday, but still held out some deluded hope, but it's now 100%. They're currently in a hotel room together, which was explained to me as a last minute business trip. I have very good reason to believe that this isn't the first time for them. I've had suspicions, but when I've raised them he's just denied it all and turned it back on me being paranoid.
We had a previous issue nearly 10 years ago. His behaviour changed and he got very protective over his phone, even putting a new passcode on it. I gave in to my doubts and went through his pc, and found loads of flirtatious emails to a colleague. On this occasion, it hadn't gone further than a few drunken kisses at the end of work nights out (I know this for a fact, due to reading all their emails, as well as his emails to other people). When I confronted him, he got angry, tried to deny it, then tried to turn it round on me, for betraying trust and going through his pc (I know, what a dick). We split up over it, but I took him back because stupidly I wanted a family, and thought that this was my only chance. We now have 2 kids, and I thought that we'd put the past behind us, but now realise that he's a cheater and can never be trusted.
His behaviour has changed again, so I went through his emails on his ipad whilst he was out. Found an email from her confirming her travel details, and an email from him confirming 1 hotel room for 2 people. The room was booked for 2 nights, to coincide with her late arrival on Saturday, but he only went up today. I've rung the hotel and have proof that they are sharing the room. When he got back, I saw him clock that I was sat near where he'd left his ipad. Later when I checked he'd changed the passcode. He's also been making sure that he always has his phone on him.
I don't know what to do. He's due back tomorrow evening, and I'm not sure if he knows that I know. My kids will be around when he gets back, and I don't want to confront him with them around, but not sure I'll be able to keep it together until they're asleep. I also keep thinking about how devastated they are going to be, especially given the time of year.
We're supposed to be hosting Christmas this year, and we wanted it to be really special, as his mum has terminal cancer, so it may well be her last Christmas. She popped in this evening, and was wittering about how hard it must be for him having to conduct business meetings at the weekend, and miss out on his family time. I wanted to scream at her that he didn't actually have to stay over, he's only done it so he can have an overnight stay with another woman! It would break her though, so I just sat there pretending to smile and trying not to cry.
God I've been such a fool.
Got to be up in 3 hours with the kids, but just don't see me getting any sleep tonight, or possibly even for the next week.
Don't know what I'm expecting from this, but it's been good to just write it down. Sorry if it's a bit rambly.

OP posts:
Westiegirl3 · 27/11/2017 08:14

You’ve had some great advise here. I’m hoping your feeling strong today, read through the comments again, get all your ducks in order and ltb as soon as you can.

loveka · 27/11/2017 08:23

I just wanted to say how awful this is for you. I really feel for you.

Some men are just like that, they want other women and can't stop themselves. I think the ones who can't stop themselves shouldn't be in long term relationships
But they usually want a nice partner, home and children.

The reason I say this is because ithis is not about you. He does this because of a flaw inside him.

You need to see a solicitor today, before you do anything else. She will tell you your true legal.position based on your circumstances.

You must be going through hell, it is awful for you.

user1497997754 · 27/11/2017 08:42

Yes get solicitors advice get all paperwork you can find

Runningoutofusernames · 27/11/2017 08:56

Agree with the others. As you're not married and have been at home DON'T send the text suggested earlier! Use this time while he is away to gather every scrap of evidence of your financials that you can and get ready for a move - sort out babysitting, get a trustworthy and sensible friend over to help go through things if it's too stressful but not your area, take out plenty of cash and if things have any chance of getting really messy and money is tight, polish off your CV and start looking at Christmas jobs so you'll have a guaranteed income while things sort out

ItsHuge · 27/11/2017 08:56

💐. Did you photograph the evidence?

Thebluedog · 27/11/2017 08:58

So sorry OP Flowers

Spend the day getting all the necessary paperwork together. Passports, birth certificates and all his financial stuff.

I’d pack up as much of his stuff as you can and leave it by the door, so when he walks through you can say your peice and kick him out.

Is the house yours, mortgages or rented? If it’s rented I’d tell the landlord and make arrangements with him. If you’re not working you can get help with the rent until you can agree payments with him.

As for your mil, there’s no reason you can’t atill invite her round for xmas

AnnabellaH · 27/11/2017 09:02

I would calmly and cooly call a locksmith. Get the locks changed right now.

Then send him a message advising his bags are on the porch, and you suggest he extends his hotel room stay somewhere else. Also 'not' to call you, message you or to try and contact you in any way until you decide. Tell him that it is over. No fuss, no drama. It's just over.

Take the kids, call in sick at work if you are in work, and don't come back to the house until well after he is due home.

loveka · 27/11/2017 09:08

You can't legally change the locks on a house that is jointly owned or rented.

notapizzaeater · 27/11/2017 09:11

You need to get all your ducks in a row, do you have access to the bank account ?

mummyretired · 27/11/2017 09:19

If I were in your MIL situation (last Christmas, son appears to have had his head turned, etc.) I would want to be made aware of the situation so that I could make some separate provision for my grandchildren in my will.

7Seas · 27/11/2017 09:20

What a fucking bastard. I certainly would be sending him a one liner text just to fuck up his little 'love in" . You don't need to tell him your intentions so you can still spend the day sorting out financial and legal bits and consider your next steps. But certainly ensure you wreck his stay. Flowers

LornaMumsnet · 27/11/2017 09:21

OP, we're so sorry to hear this.
We're moving this over to relationships for you now.

Flowers
7Seas · 27/11/2017 09:23

I would be asking are you having fun? Then leave it at that. He wont know if you know and itll unnerve the bastard.

brokeninsomiac · 27/11/2017 09:35

We are joint tenants on our current house, and also have another property that we rent out that we are joint tenants on. We have a joint bank account, but he just transfers enough to cover bexpenditure each month. Most of his money is in his business, and there's a lot! To be honest, I don't care about that, but just want a secure home for my kids, who are going to have enough upheaval as it is.
Stupidly, I paid for a very expensive family holiday next year on my credit card, as it's currently interest free, and he was going to pay it off after Christmas.
I don't live close to my family, just his family close by, and the only one who really helps out at all is his mum.
He's not self employed, he owns the company, but think he takes a regular wage just like his employers, so should be easy to prove that.

OP posts:
YorkieDorkie · 27/11/2017 09:36

I also agree about telling your MIL. I know that it's an awful time for her (and you all) but she's an adult and if it were my son I'd want to know. It might be the punishment he deserves. Get your financial info together and get him out.

Peanutbuttercheese · 27/11/2017 09:38

Get in touch with a solicitor asap and sort out all financials and paperwork.

As much as it's going to be hard say and do nothing till this is done. You are in a vulnerable position financially and as he has his own business he may try and hide money.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/11/2017 09:38

I'm sorry OP.
This is a truly shitty situation at an awful time for many reasons.
You are doing the right thing.
Keep your cards close until you have financials and some legal advice.
Get all the paperwork you can.
I wouldn't be able to keep quiet for 4+ weeks.
No way.
Solcitors first and before Christmas.
They get extremely busy in January!
Keep busy for now and look after yourself.
Eat if you can but keep hydrated and your sugar levels up.

Mustang27 · 27/11/2017 09:43

I'm so glad others came on and have given you advice since the put up and shut up suggestion from one pp for his mums sake.

I'm not saying go in all guns blazing I'd want to be tactile for her sake too but I agree he needs confronted today and for you to tell him how it's going to be. My skin is crawling for you what a roach.

I'm sorry he has done this to you his kids and his mum ThanksThanks

Mittens1969 · 27/11/2017 10:07

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP, what a creep! I agree with PPs who say that you shouldn't feel that you have to keep quiet for your MIL's sake. I'm sure she would want to know.

I doubt you'll be able to keep a lid on it anyway.

Thanks for you and for your MIL. What a horrible time for your family.

loveka · 27/11/2017 10:09

Well, make sure it is you and your children who end up on that holiday without him. You can still go, he is just a no show on the flight.

When you are preparing for the conversation with him, think through every response you might get from him. Do your preparation and the conversation will be easier for you.

Thinkingofausername1 · 27/11/2017 10:12

Oh op I can't imagine how you are feeling

I would text and say

I hope you enjoy your shag and time at ( name of hotel) with your new girlfriend. Locks will be changed ASAP and your clothes will be in bin bags for you to collect when you come back .
Happy Christmas Wine

KERALA1 · 27/11/2017 10:21

You need to tell mr big cheese building his business that you have to prioritise your own interests now, you are getting a full time job and he needs to take on all childcare and household responsibilities that you were previously doing, either himself or pay someone to do it for him.

TheVirgin · 27/11/2017 11:25

OP a year ago to this day I posted the exact same post as you did. My heart goes out to you, I know how crushing it is when what you suspected all along is finally confirmed. Please remember to eat and keep your strength up for yourself and your kids. You are still in shock. You’ve been given some good advice. Get paperwork in order. Get an STI check. Go see a solicitor and find out your rights. You cannot change the locks or force them to move out unfortunately and his solicitor will advise him not to. I coped by not engaging with him, there was no point. I didn’t want to hear all the horrible things he had to say about me or to hear how wonderful the OW was. I found out on a Monday but he was leaving for a genuine business trip where he also planned to meet up with OW on the Wednesday so those two days waiting for him to leave were the longest. I saw a solicitor on Thursday, got an STI check on Friday (I cried so hard at the doctors that he hugged me) and emailed him on the Friday to let him know that I was aware of his relationship. There was no way I could hold it in any longer and you don’t have to play happy families for him. I have to go now but I’ll be back. Huge hugs and you will get through this and come out stronger on the other side, you deserve better Flowers

TittyGolightly · 27/11/2017 12:34

Most of his money is in his business, and there's a lot!

He's not self employed, he owns the company, but think he takes a regular wage just like his employers, so should be easy to prove that.

I doubt it very much. If it’s a ltd company his wage will be about £700 per month with the rest as dividends. The money in the company isn’t his. It’s a separate legal entity and money can’t flow freely between the 2. So if it’s company money you won’t have rights over it, and the child maintainance will be based on wages + dividends only.

brokeninsomiac · 27/11/2017 13:01

Yes Titty, I just meant as he gets paid a regular amount through payroll that would be easy to prove. Wouldn't have any rights over company money regardless of marital status.
Like I said, I just want some security for my kids, and know he can afford it, but just whether or not he'll face up to his responsibilities.
Been working on my cv today, to keep myself busy.

OP posts:
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