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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Just found out my partner is cheating

125 replies

brokeninsomiac · 27/11/2017 03:33

I've never posted before, just read through the top discussions that are on the email that I get. However, I'm feeling completely broken, can't sleep and don't want to talk to anyone close about this just yet, but could really do with some help.
I've literally just found out my partner is cheating on me. I was 99% certain yesterday, but still held out some deluded hope, but it's now 100%. They're currently in a hotel room together, which was explained to me as a last minute business trip. I have very good reason to believe that this isn't the first time for them. I've had suspicions, but when I've raised them he's just denied it all and turned it back on me being paranoid.
We had a previous issue nearly 10 years ago. His behaviour changed and he got very protective over his phone, even putting a new passcode on it. I gave in to my doubts and went through his pc, and found loads of flirtatious emails to a colleague. On this occasion, it hadn't gone further than a few drunken kisses at the end of work nights out (I know this for a fact, due to reading all their emails, as well as his emails to other people). When I confronted him, he got angry, tried to deny it, then tried to turn it round on me, for betraying trust and going through his pc (I know, what a dick). We split up over it, but I took him back because stupidly I wanted a family, and thought that this was my only chance. We now have 2 kids, and I thought that we'd put the past behind us, but now realise that he's a cheater and can never be trusted.
His behaviour has changed again, so I went through his emails on his ipad whilst he was out. Found an email from her confirming her travel details, and an email from him confirming 1 hotel room for 2 people. The room was booked for 2 nights, to coincide with her late arrival on Saturday, but he only went up today. I've rung the hotel and have proof that they are sharing the room. When he got back, I saw him clock that I was sat near where he'd left his ipad. Later when I checked he'd changed the passcode. He's also been making sure that he always has his phone on him.
I don't know what to do. He's due back tomorrow evening, and I'm not sure if he knows that I know. My kids will be around when he gets back, and I don't want to confront him with them around, but not sure I'll be able to keep it together until they're asleep. I also keep thinking about how devastated they are going to be, especially given the time of year.
We're supposed to be hosting Christmas this year, and we wanted it to be really special, as his mum has terminal cancer, so it may well be her last Christmas. She popped in this evening, and was wittering about how hard it must be for him having to conduct business meetings at the weekend, and miss out on his family time. I wanted to scream at her that he didn't actually have to stay over, he's only done it so he can have an overnight stay with another woman! It would break her though, so I just sat there pretending to smile and trying not to cry.
God I've been such a fool.
Got to be up in 3 hours with the kids, but just don't see me getting any sleep tonight, or possibly even for the next week.
Don't know what I'm expecting from this, but it's been good to just write it down. Sorry if it's a bit rambly.

OP posts:
Clitoria · 27/11/2017 13:44

Is there much point in paying to see a solicitor though? She has no rights at all beyond their housing contract. The boyfriend has financial responsibility for his offspring but it’s not legally enforceable in the uk either. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this, OP.

DiscotequeJuliet · 27/11/2017 14:10

Sorry Broken, what a dick he is Sad

Do you know the OW personally or is she a stranger to you?

Animation86 · 27/11/2017 14:25

This is dreadful. I'm so sorry Broken. :( I wish I had better things to say. They always affair down, remember that.

LJ25 · 27/11/2017 15:26

So sorry your going through this OP Thanks

AnotherShirtRuined · 27/11/2017 19:57

How are you doing OP?

Greedynan · 27/11/2017 20:24

My god, I feel so bad for you, Broken. He truly is a jerk-off. I haven't got any useful advice but I wanted to remark on what a considerate and lovely lady you sound; thinking of the impact on his mother and then mustering up the strength to work in your CV. My heart goes out to you 💐💐💐

justilou1 · 27/11/2017 22:18

I think you are very wise to get all paperwork in order to nail him to the wall legally, if necessary. I'm so sad for you. What a stupid man he has turned out to be.

SammySays · 27/11/2017 22:34

So sorry for you OP. You are going to get through this Flowers

copingish · 27/11/2017 22:49

What a bastard. Sending virtual hugs.

brokeninsomiac · 28/11/2017 03:33

He's gone. Didn't admit it, in fact he didn't say anything at all. Just that i'd clearly made up my mind, so best if he gave me some space. It's just made me even angrier. He hasn't got the decency to admit it and doesn't seem to have any remorse.
Now I really can't sleep. Does anyone know a good OTC sleeping pill that may help? Really need to get some sleep, as not going to be able to function.
What am I going to tell the kids? DD will be gutted as she worships him. Think DS will be ok, as still very young.

OP posts:
7Seas · 28/11/2017 03:42

Oh I am sorry to read the update. What a complete wanker. You can buy phenergan 10 mg and i believe 25mg. That should help you for a few days

7Seas · 28/11/2017 03:42

What happened when he returned home then?

OhBondageUpYours · 28/11/2017 03:58

Nytol works for me broken (not the herbal one, the proper one). In fact, all drowsy histamine pills knock me out for a while. Failing that, I am sure your GP will give you a small supply of the hard stuff given the circs. Take it easy and don't doubt yourself, you've absolutely 100% done the right thing.

Hidingtonothing · 28/11/2017 04:42

Flowers broken, what a shit he is Angry The next few days are going to be an endurance test and you need to take it really easy on yourself. Try not to think about any 'big picture', long term stuff for now, just focus on the next hour and try to tackle stuff in bite sized pieces if you can.

For now I would just tell the kids he's at work/visiting someone/whatever sounds plausible to explain him being away for a few days. You need time to get your own head around what's happening before you speak to them properly. Don't let him abdicate responsibility though, he's caused this situation and telling the DC shouldn't be your job unless that's what's best for them.

Don't be afraid to take things at your own pace, what matters now is making this as easy on you and DC as possible. Don't keep his secret at the expense of RL support for yourself either, any shame for this situation is his, not yours and you will need your friends and family around you.

It's hideous OP, no point pretending otherwise and you have a shitty time ahead but you are ^always^ better off without a cheat.

StarWarsFanatic · 28/11/2017 04:58

Phenergan (sp?) Although if I were you I would go the doctor for sleeping help. Failing that talk to the pharmacist.

OH is completely out of order and I am so sorry for you. Please never take him back again. I have known people use the stress of ill relatives but it doesn't excuse his behaviour.

Good on you for getting to work on your CV so quickly and I don't mean this in a patronising way but make sure you triple check it as your head will be all over the place with the sleep deprivation on top of everything else.

You can still have a relationship with his mum if that is what you & she want, you have done nothing wrong. He is an arse.

hellsbellsmelons · 28/11/2017 05:36

Nothing worked for me except prescribed pills from GP.
Don't worry fur now.
Your adrenaline will keep you going.
At least you get some space.
That's a good thing.
He won't admit it until he really has to.
So try to get some sleep (says me!!!??)

TheLegendOfBeans · 28/11/2017 06:01

I didn’t want to read & run so two things

  1. Shop around solicitors. Many will give an initial consultation for free. Visit three as you want a good one you can get on with.
  1. The Meditation Podcast helps sleeping. Headphones in, follow the instructions. Works for me every time.
  1. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life. It’s a cliche & you’re hurting red raw but your children, your health, your future and your health will be improved for the removal of this human pustule from your life. Get your CV together and believe you can excel alone. And you’re not alone. You have children that love you and an army of vipers with excellent advice on here. X
flumpybear · 28/11/2017 06:06

So sorry OP - get yourself a good solicitor and sort what you can to make a new start 💐

Nelly1727 · 28/11/2017 06:24

I am so sorry. I hope he will have an honest conversation with you and things work out for you and the kids.

AnotherShirtRuined · 28/11/2017 06:58

I'm so sorry to hear that OP. For what it's worth I think you sound wonderful. Being able to think about HIS mother during this time says it all I think. Stay strong as best you can. How old are your DCs?

GeorgeTheHamster · 28/11/2017 07:47

Even if you can't sleep, lying in bed resting will help. Listen to podcasts to try to fill your mind with something other than your thoughts.

This is a situation not of your making and all you can do is your best, which you will do.

Look after yourself first. Buy small bits of nice food to tempt yourself to eat. Drink lots of water.

I have learnt theses by experience 💐

Greedynan · 28/11/2017 07:53

I second what Legend said, you've an army of supporters here.

I'm so sorry.

Your life is going to improve now.

ferntwist · 28/11/2017 08:30

Sending you hugs Broken. And to think you were so selfless you considered putting up with him until after Christmas for the sake of his mum. He obviously doesn’t care about her or you, only himself.

TheVirgin · 28/11/2017 08:33

Sending virtual hugs here. Just focus on getting through each day in small bits. It will take a while for it all to sink in but he has shown his true colours and keep that in mind as you go through this process. Take care of yourself.

justilou1 · 28/11/2017 09:09

Oh Darling, I'm so sorry. What a horrible, horrible, cold, cold, man. I wish you the strength you need to get through this and past him. You have so much to fight for.

I love how he's saying that YOU'VE made up your mind.
He made his up to shag her.

Please look up gaslighting and don't let it happen to you.
Surround yourself with people you love - who offer support. We're here, but we're not totally real. Don't hide behind your pain - let the real friends know what's going on. You're going to need them. x

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