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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Just found out my partner is cheating

125 replies

brokeninsomiac · 27/11/2017 03:33

I've never posted before, just read through the top discussions that are on the email that I get. However, I'm feeling completely broken, can't sleep and don't want to talk to anyone close about this just yet, but could really do with some help.
I've literally just found out my partner is cheating on me. I was 99% certain yesterday, but still held out some deluded hope, but it's now 100%. They're currently in a hotel room together, which was explained to me as a last minute business trip. I have very good reason to believe that this isn't the first time for them. I've had suspicions, but when I've raised them he's just denied it all and turned it back on me being paranoid.
We had a previous issue nearly 10 years ago. His behaviour changed and he got very protective over his phone, even putting a new passcode on it. I gave in to my doubts and went through his pc, and found loads of flirtatious emails to a colleague. On this occasion, it hadn't gone further than a few drunken kisses at the end of work nights out (I know this for a fact, due to reading all their emails, as well as his emails to other people). When I confronted him, he got angry, tried to deny it, then tried to turn it round on me, for betraying trust and going through his pc (I know, what a dick). We split up over it, but I took him back because stupidly I wanted a family, and thought that this was my only chance. We now have 2 kids, and I thought that we'd put the past behind us, but now realise that he's a cheater and can never be trusted.
His behaviour has changed again, so I went through his emails on his ipad whilst he was out. Found an email from her confirming her travel details, and an email from him confirming 1 hotel room for 2 people. The room was booked for 2 nights, to coincide with her late arrival on Saturday, but he only went up today. I've rung the hotel and have proof that they are sharing the room. When he got back, I saw him clock that I was sat near where he'd left his ipad. Later when I checked he'd changed the passcode. He's also been making sure that he always has his phone on him.
I don't know what to do. He's due back tomorrow evening, and I'm not sure if he knows that I know. My kids will be around when he gets back, and I don't want to confront him with them around, but not sure I'll be able to keep it together until they're asleep. I also keep thinking about how devastated they are going to be, especially given the time of year.
We're supposed to be hosting Christmas this year, and we wanted it to be really special, as his mum has terminal cancer, so it may well be her last Christmas. She popped in this evening, and was wittering about how hard it must be for him having to conduct business meetings at the weekend, and miss out on his family time. I wanted to scream at her that he didn't actually have to stay over, he's only done it so he can have an overnight stay with another woman! It would break her though, so I just sat there pretending to smile and trying not to cry.
God I've been such a fool.
Got to be up in 3 hours with the kids, but just don't see me getting any sleep tonight, or possibly even for the next week.
Don't know what I'm expecting from this, but it's been good to just write it down. Sorry if it's a bit rambly.

OP posts:
brokeninsomiac · 28/11/2017 09:54

Thanks everyone, it's really good to talk about it and some really good advice and kind words. I'm off to docs soon, may see if I can get some counselling or something. Just need to keep it together for the kids. DD is 6 and DS has just turned 2. Has anyone got any advice on what to say to them? I told them he had an early start this morning, but don't know how to explain his absence tonight. Hate lying to them, but just don't know what to say. Her best friends parents aren't together, but don't think the thought that we may split would ever occur to her!

OP posts:
whiskyowl · 28/11/2017 09:59

"Didn't admit it, in fact he didn't say anything at all. Just that i'd clearly made up my mind, so best if he gave me some space"

Ah, the good old-fashioned coward's way out. Put the responsibility for the relationship breakdown on the injured party, so you can walk away scot-free. And tell everyone that you just CAN'T understand it, but they seem adamant. Make sure you get your story out to friends and family, OP. You need support, and he'll be telling his "version".

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/11/2017 11:24

How're you doing OP?

Not sure if I've missed a post, I saw the one where you said he was gone. Did you tell him you knew about his affair?

Rotten little shitbag.

Hope the doc can help, and good on you for seeking counselling already. Make sure you speak to your family and friends and get some support in real life too. I don't have advice on how to tell your DC sorry as I've never been in your shoes, just wanted to say hi.

juddyrockingcloggs · 28/11/2017 12:13

Well done you for being strong - even though you might not feel you are.

You've done the biggest part of it and that's getting rid of bad rubbish and you will pick yourself up and dust yourself down and you will know that no one deserves to put up with such cretinous behaviour.

You sound like a really lovely woman and I hope that, despite your sadness and anger you manage to have a lovely Christmas with your children.

I don't know what to advise you to tell your DC, I would probably just tell them that daddy has had to go away for a bit and then move on to a totally different subject but I'm no expert

hellsbellsmelons · 28/11/2017 12:28

I think you can tell them that Daddy has upset mummy so he is away for a little bit.
Not sure what more you can tell them.
They are still very young.
My DD was 11 so she knew what was going on.

Chrys2017 · 28/11/2017 12:35

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ptumbi · 28/11/2017 12:38

Is that worth tossing your whole life together aside for? - She hasn't.

He has.

And yes, marriage vows are worth it.

Have a Biscuit

juddyrockingcloggs · 28/11/2017 12:40

Chrys2017

If you want to fuck someone else, stay single or define from the start that you want an open relationship instead of going behind someone's back like a spineless wanker.

Chrys2017 · 28/11/2017 12:42

*Some men are just like that, they want other women and can't stop themselves. I think the ones who can't stop themselves shouldn't be in long term relationships
But they usually want a nice partner, home and children.

The reason I say this is because ithis is not about you. He does this because of a flaw inside him.*

It's curious how many men (and women) are "flawed", isn't it? Statistically 22/14%, but those are just the ones that admit it.
Or is that just human nature and we should accept that by nature we are not monogamous?
I think humans in the future (if our species survives) will laugh at how we tried to impose unnatural laws on our relationships and then time and again were broken when it doesn't work!

hellsbellsmelons · 28/11/2017 12:42

Hahahaha - good effort but have a Biscuit

TheLegendOfBeans · 28/11/2017 12:42

Is it half term?

Chrys2017 · 28/11/2017 12:46

The sexual impulse can be stronger than any rational thought, and stronger than any feelings of love, affection or commitment. And it can be the most glorious feeling! But this is a fleeting impulse and is quickly satiated.
What a shame it seems we cannot "allow" those we love to indulge those brief moments of intense passion. As I said in a PP, perhaps when/if the human race is more evolved.

ptumbi · 28/11/2017 12:47

Chrys - this is not the place to start a discussion on the Human race or it's 'laws'

This is a thread to support the OP who made, and expected her husband to abide by, vows (that they both made in the full knowledge of what they should mean).

Start your own thread - AIBU awaits. Angry

ptumbi · 28/11/2017 12:49

And Chrys - this ^ (the OPs husband's actions) is not the result of a fleeting urge; this is a well thought out plan.

Chrys2017 · 28/11/2017 12:51

Apologies if I disrupted the thread—I simply thought OP might perhaps reconsider ending her 20-year relationship with her children's father because his natural impulses overcame his brain on a brief occasion.
I will butt out now.

Fantasticmissfoxy · 28/11/2017 12:52

Chrys what a load of de-railing bullshit. Have I had the urge to fuck other people since I've been married? Of course I have, but I have never acted on it because I value my family above all else and you know, I'm a sentient mature human adult not a fucking animal.
There are urges (to eat, fuck, kill, fight) and then there is how we CHOOSE to react to those urges.

Take your faux anthropological bollocks and piss off to a thread where some poor woman's life isn't being torn apart.

ptumbi · 28/11/2017 13:03

overcame his brain on a brief occasion. - if you'd actually managed to Read the fucking thread (or just the OP, even) in your advanced state of being, you'd have maybe understood that this was not a brief occasion. This was a well thought out, well planned sexual encounter. And probably not the first.

So yes, fuck off with your stupid comments about how the OP is throwing away her marriage because of what the dickhead has done.

NavyGold · 28/11/2017 17:07

Definitely not the first “brief encounter”, OP says he’s done it before. He he’s zero respect for the 20 years of time and the family they’ve built. There is nothing redeemable about this at all.

CrypticClues · 28/11/2017 17:14

"Didn't admit it, in fact he didn't say anything at all. Just that i'd clearly made up my mind, so best if he gave me some space"

What a cold, horrible response. What's that quote - "when someone shows you who they really are, believe them." - or something along those lines. Well, now you know. I'm really sorry for you and your kids.

ptumbi · 28/11/2017 17:23

i'd clearly made up my mind - and that outs the 'blame' back on you. It's not because he is a cheat bastard, it's because you have made up your mind Angry

He's not even embarrassed. Or remorseful.

Dick.

Well rid, OP.

Hairgician · 28/11/2017 18:30

Chrys just piss off. What a crock of shitAngry the git threw his marriage away all by himself. And now trying to shift the blame on to her.

Op big hugs from me. I hope you find a shit hot lawyer. Xxx

Clitoria · 28/11/2017 18:49

The OP is not married, did yous read the thread? Which leave some her in a precarious position with no rights, the only advice a solicitor would be able to give is on the house contract.

OP, it should be your boyfriend who tells the children, this is on him entirely.

TheAntiBoop · 28/11/2017 19:11

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Leslieknope123 · 29/11/2017 11:29

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TheAntiBoop · 29/11/2017 11:49

I got deleted for saying that Lesley...

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