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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

looks like it's over

961 replies

mylittlestar · 18/04/2007 11:48

well after everything you will have seen so far, and my happiness at dh and i giving our marriage another go, sadly it doesn't look like that is possible anymore.

i've been feeling down the last couple of days and couldn't put my finger on it. thought it was probably a bit of paranoia. the pregnancy scare etc. but looking back dh had also become distant and withdrawn and i think i was picking up on that.

i checked his phone this morning. there was a message in his saved items to the ow. basically said of course i'll get up early to come and take you to work. i'll leave a bit early so we can have a little kiss before we set off...

confronted him. he swore he hadn't been back in touch. then has admitted that after his paranoia that i may have met someone on my work night out last week, he got back in touch with her.
don't really know much more than that and there's no point in asking as i'm not sure i could believe what he tells me anyway.

i had four main reasons for giving things another try. my love for him. the fact that anyone can make a mistake once. the fact that he swore he hated living a double life and would never want to live that way again. and finally, the fact that he said after seeing what he'd put me through, he'd never put me through that again.

just 4 weeks later he has.

to be honest i really don't want to turn this thread into a session to slag dh off. i don't understand his reasons and never will. but i do love him.

i think perhaps it's time to let my head rule my heart and make myself wake up to the fact that he doesn't love me in the same way i love him.

one day he'll realise what he's lost and what he's put me through. and i truly believe that nothing i say or do from this point on will have any impact. it's up to him now.

i've come into work to try and take my mind off it all and calm down. so i'm ok. i'm glad i have MN to get all of this out as this time i do not want one single person in RL to know. i don't want people getting at dh. i don't want people telling me 'i told you so'. i don't really want sympathy.
i'm sick of my life being one big drama after the next. i want to focus on me and ds and i want a happy quiet life filled with love and laughter. if the only way to get that is being alone with ds, then so be it. i'm truly blessed to have him.

so perhaps this thread should be about how i can now move forward without the love of my life and my soul mate....

OP posts:
LilyLoo · 29/04/2007 14:09

Glad you had good night MLS and things are seeming more positive at the moment.

Original poster
mylittlestar · 29/04/2007 14:10

Yes it's nice not having any expectations and enjoying each day as it comes. Hoping the counselling will help sort out the underlying issues and help to put all of these feelings in the past where they belong!
(I hope!)

OP posts:
Ifonlyhewould · 29/04/2007 15:11

it's lovely having no expectations isn't it it takes away a lot of pressure.

i'm so pleased things are going well for you. long may it continue!! xx

LilyLoo · 29/04/2007 15:26

How nice you both have reason to today, about time !

Ifonlyhewould · 29/04/2007 15:35

I know. I keep popping out to the garage just to have a look at it (the freezer) am I sad or what!!

Dior · 29/04/2007 16:41

Message withdrawn

Ifonlyhewould · 29/04/2007 17:18

Nice to have 'Dior' back

He just said " Do you like your new freezer then?" and I very politely replied that I do thank you very much, and left it at that. I'm not going to go overboard on the thank you's. Thats a mistake ive made in the past. I'm the kind of person who feels i should send a Thank you card for a Birthday card Or should I say i was that type of person.

Original poster
mylittlestar · 29/04/2007 17:28

A thank you card for a birthday card
Can so relate to that!

I'm having major dilemmas this afternoon about this flipping job offer!! Have to decide by tomorrow. Look out... there may be a pros and cons list heading your way soon!!!

OP posts:
Ifonlyhewould · 29/04/2007 17:51

I'm ready..........

(here's one pro... it's always good to have a fresh start xx

Original poster
mylittlestar · 29/04/2007 18:30

hmm - i've done the list but i think i am leaning towards the cons. i'm just not sure it feels like the right move.
surely i should be over the moon going on about this 'perfect job' and how happy i am to have the offer....
but i'm not

just thinking, with everything that's going on in my life, perhaps it's not the right time to take on a challenging, high profile management role which will involve longer hours for almost the same money.

on the pro side it's 5 miles away as opposed to 50 miles! and great for the cv. plus i've been looking to move for over a year now.

but on the cons, less benefits, no pension or healthcare, less holidays, lots of stress and working day is 8.30 to 5.30 as a minimum! (currenly work 8 til 4)
plus a difficult team to manage and everything that goes along with that...

will that get me a better work/life balance... probably not!

i think it may have to be back to the drawing board....

i'm ok though. the offer has boosted my confidence so much. surely the perfect role is just around the corner...

OP posts:
Paddlechick666 · 29/04/2007 18:43

hi mls, glad things are on the up for you.

re: the job, that sounds like a hard choice but seems to me the only pro you've got there is that it's 5 miles instead of 50!

bear in mind, if they've offered you this then you're clearly very employable and it's quite possible something that suits you better will come along soon.

and there's always the possibility that they'll negotiate on hours if you refuse the offer.

i know how hard it is to make decisions in the aftermath of an emotional trauma but seems to me, as ever, you're handling things brilliantly.

whatever you choose i'm certain you'll succeed.

Original poster
mylittlestar · 29/04/2007 18:56

thank you

i did wonder about seeing if i could negotiate on the hours or something like that. if they say no then i haven't lost anything have i!

i'm sure it will work out for the best in the end...

OP posts:
Fubsy · 29/04/2007 20:09

Those seem very long hours - is it 5 days a week? I used to do long hours but now I have DD I wouldnt want to again.

Also wouldnt be keen to have no benefits.

Agree though, if you were offered this one so quickly, you are obviously eminently employable, so may be worth hanging out for something that suits you better. Didnt you say you had a couple of other applications on the go?

Original poster
mylittlestar · 29/04/2007 20:26

hi fubsy

yes it's 8.30 til 5.30 (minimum) 5 days a week. Plus it's a management contract meaning I have to work whatever hours it takes to do the job, but overtime is not paid. Just doesn't give me a good feeling really. Even with the commute, doing 8 til 4 is great at the moment.

Yes I have 2 other applications I'm waiting to hear about, both of which are more money with larger companies. I quite like the security of the pension, healthcare etc. I'm sure I'll know when I find the 'perfect' role!

OP posts:
Fubsy · 29/04/2007 21:23

Hmm, if I had to do whatever hours it took to do the job, Id have to live in!

Goiod luck whatever you decide

ohsmellyjelly · 30/04/2007 12:10

Message withdrawn

Original poster
mylittlestar · 30/04/2007 16:43

Hi osj, how are you?

I've decided to turn the job down - it feels like the right thing to do. The cons far outweighed anything positive. Onwards and upwards now

dh is having a bad couple of days. he has quite a stressful family situation going on in the background and it's really affecting him badly. all he wants to do is sleep. and he's really really low - said this morning it's probably the worst he's ever been.
bit scared tbh. have no idea how long the ADs will take to work, and have no idea how to help him. (us all running away from his family nightmares could be a good start!)
really sad and worried about him. i guess him running away from me again could be the next step

no, staying with the positive - all i can do is be there for him and support him any way i can. i'll worry about my own feelings and problems once he's ok

OP posts:
LilyLoo · 30/04/2007 20:50

Glad you about turning the job down. Guess that's right decision made then. Sorry to hear about dh, how long as he been taking ad's ? You are right you know all you can offer is support to him and god knows you have had enough experience in doing that x

Original poster
mylittlestar · 30/04/2007 21:38

he has only been taking them a week or so. basically when everything got really bad last week he went to docs to ask for help as he knew things were out of hand. i believe they take a couple of weeks to get into your system.
even so - they're not a miracle cure are they! sadly!

OP posts:
October · 30/04/2007 21:49

Message withdrawn

Paddlechick666 · 30/04/2007 21:53

don't want to be a doom monger but, MLS, sometimes ADs can make you worse for a few days before you feel better.

just watch out for that and help him keep going with them if he feels they're doing no good or making him feel worse than before etc.

really hope they work quickly for him. if they don't then they're not the right ones and don't be afraid of going back and demanding a different kind.

he needs counselling too, seperate to couple counselling, to deal with the other factors in his life.

hth

Original poster
mylittlestar · 30/04/2007 21:53

yes prozac

although unless we can sort out his nightmare family and move away to live on bondi beach i'm not too sure how much more i can do...

all i want to do is scream and shout about what hell i've been through and the images of him and the ow going through my head... but all i am doing is supporting and loving him, looking after ds, and hoping and praying he will get better and we'll be happy again...

and i'm sure we will one day

OP posts:
October · 30/04/2007 21:54

Message withdrawn

Original poster
mylittlestar · 30/04/2007 21:54

thanks paddlechick

we're sorting relationship counselling and he's waiting for an individual counsellor referral in the next 3 weeks. fingers crossed.

i think this is definitely the lowest i've seen him. perhaps once the AD's start their job his mood will lift.

if not i'll make sure he goes back to doc!

thanks xx

OP posts:
Original poster
mylittlestar · 30/04/2007 21:55

thanks october. that means a lot

OP posts: