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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

looks like it's over

961 replies

mylittlestar · 18/04/2007 11:48

well after everything you will have seen so far, and my happiness at dh and i giving our marriage another go, sadly it doesn't look like that is possible anymore.

i've been feeling down the last couple of days and couldn't put my finger on it. thought it was probably a bit of paranoia. the pregnancy scare etc. but looking back dh had also become distant and withdrawn and i think i was picking up on that.

i checked his phone this morning. there was a message in his saved items to the ow. basically said of course i'll get up early to come and take you to work. i'll leave a bit early so we can have a little kiss before we set off...

confronted him. he swore he hadn't been back in touch. then has admitted that after his paranoia that i may have met someone on my work night out last week, he got back in touch with her.
don't really know much more than that and there's no point in asking as i'm not sure i could believe what he tells me anyway.

i had four main reasons for giving things another try. my love for him. the fact that anyone can make a mistake once. the fact that he swore he hated living a double life and would never want to live that way again. and finally, the fact that he said after seeing what he'd put me through, he'd never put me through that again.

just 4 weeks later he has.

to be honest i really don't want to turn this thread into a session to slag dh off. i don't understand his reasons and never will. but i do love him.

i think perhaps it's time to let my head rule my heart and make myself wake up to the fact that he doesn't love me in the same way i love him.

one day he'll realise what he's lost and what he's put me through. and i truly believe that nothing i say or do from this point on will have any impact. it's up to him now.

i've come into work to try and take my mind off it all and calm down. so i'm ok. i'm glad i have MN to get all of this out as this time i do not want one single person in RL to know. i don't want people getting at dh. i don't want people telling me 'i told you so'. i don't really want sympathy.
i'm sick of my life being one big drama after the next. i want to focus on me and ds and i want a happy quiet life filled with love and laughter. if the only way to get that is being alone with ds, then so be it. i'm truly blessed to have him.

so perhaps this thread should be about how i can now move forward without the love of my life and my soul mate....

OP posts:
Paddlechick666 · 30/04/2007 21:55

pot kettle black here but don't lose sight of yourself in all of this MLS.

don't give him enough rope to hang himself - look where it's got me!

you can love and support him thru all this but his depression doesn't allow him to abdicate responsibility for his wife and child.

Cashncarry · 30/04/2007 22:00

MLS - have quickly updated myself on your thread. I see you've got the job and then decided to turn it down. I think you're doing the right thing FWIW - you're going through a really tough time and unless you really hate where you're working at the moment, changing your job is probably too momentous to consider along with everything else. It must be a great boost that they offered you the job so quickly - at least if and when you do decide to move jobs, there'll be loads of opportunities for you

I'm happy for you that you're doing well with DH in terms of your rship. I must be honest (if I may) and say that I'm slightly worried for you at the same time. Be sure to guard your heart a little, won't you lovely? I know he's trying his best and has decided to take the ADs which is a big step for him. However, ADs aren't a cure for inherent selfishness so don't forget to draw strict boundaries for him so that he doesn't feel the need to overstep the mark

On the subject of ADs, I found they do take a couple of weeks to start working and in fact I found it got worse before it got better. I felt so out of it in the first week or so - like I was walking around in a haze - and (apparently) my behaviour was a little erratic for a while - more so than usual He's lucky to have you as a friend and a partner - dealing with someone else's depression is no easy task and it sounds like you're doing a sterling job.

I'm going to suggest that you don't put your issues and feelings to one side while he's working through his other stuff. Maybe you can't work through your rship stuff together right now, but there's no reason you can't deal with what you're going through separately. I haven't had any experience of Relate personally but I know they do see individuals as well as couples, so that might be a starting point? Am I mistaken or were you seeing a counsellor a few weeks back? Personally I think you could probably benefit from some guidance and understanding professionally about what YOU are going through in terms of the impact of his behaviour on you - not just the OW etc. but also the depression. Don't neglect yourself will you?

Anyway, you know where I am if you need me - I'll think up a third lecture if you want xx

LilyLoo · 30/04/2007 22:05

MLS have you thought about keeping up with your own counselling as you will need the support to help you deal with the past and also help you help dh?

Cashncarry · 30/04/2007 22:08

LOL at everyone else lecturing you too MLS

Original poster
mylittlestar · 30/04/2007 22:21

Thanks everyone. I know you're right. I guess if I neglect myself in all of this i won't be strong enough to support him. Plus I do need to protect my heart a little - it can't take another bashing at the moment!

I think the doctor could see this today as I was expecting her to say I should get back to work, but she just said that with everything going on, I was coping amazingly well and signed me off for another 2 weeks (minimum).
I got upset about letting work down and what they would say. And she just said, sometimes, looking after yourself is all that matters. And this is one of those times! So I didn't argue!

Doc is referring me to an individual counsellor too. I will definitely go to that. I didn't click with our last counsellor 100% so I don't really want to go back. But I will go forwards... and a new counsellor and new perspective could be good.

Can't remember the last time I really thought about me and my needs. I'm glad I've got you guys to remind me and bring me back to reality. Thank you xx

OP posts:
LilyLoo · 30/04/2007 22:25

Hopefully this new counsellor will be better in that you will be discussing all your issues and not just dh's ow, maybe you will feel differently addressing things about you x

Cashncarry · 02/05/2007 09:34

MLS - just a quick one to see how you're doing

I'm glad your GP is on your side - it makes all the difference I think. Good on you for trying again with another counsellor - I'm sure this one will be the business

How's your DH doing? I must say the family stuff sounds awful but hopefully he'll come to realise how lucky he is to have stability and security in you. It can be very hard when things fall apart in family relationships and makes you feel like you're alone in the world, even when you have a partner who loves you. Hopefully the ADs and counselling for him will help him appreciate what he does have rather than what he's lost. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for him but there's still space in IOHW's freezer if he doesn't behave himself

Original poster
mylittlestar · 02/05/2007 11:36

Hi

I'm doing ok thanks

Couple of threads on here at the mo (e.g. welshboris's thread about her dp cheating, and the one about how many MN have cheated on their partners) - they're really affecting me tbh. Sort of making me think that once someone has cheated once, it means they obviously don't love their partner enough, and have lost the 'taboo' surrounding affairs, so are likely to cheat again...
I'm really not sure I can get over this

On a positive note, one of my sisters is 18 today so we have a party planned tonight and I'm really looking forward to that. Much needed

Not looking forward to tomorrow's hangover though!

OP posts:
ginnedupmummy · 02/05/2007 11:50

Message withdrawn

Original poster
mylittlestar · 02/05/2007 11:55

thanks ginnedup - 'not all cheaters go on to re-offend'... that's what I'm clinging to at the moment.

I'm also liking your idea of retail therapy and think a trip to the shops is in order ready for this evening!

My mum has taken ds out for a couple of hours (hence me managing to get on here during the day!). But maybe I should make better use of the time and hit the shoe shops!!

OP posts:
Ifonlyhewould · 02/05/2007 11:56

Well said Ginnedupmummy, i read an article recently that said when women have affairs its because theres a problem within the relationship, when men have affairs its just the sex, they dont think about the implications.
DP's mother says that the whole in the end of their 'you know what!!' is purely there so they can get air to their brains I'm apt to agree!

Have a great night MLS. You are bearing up fantastically well, keep it up! xx

Ifonlyhewould · 02/05/2007 11:57

of course I meant hole

ginnedupmummy · 02/05/2007 12:04

Message withdrawn

ginnedupmummy · 02/05/2007 12:05

Message withdrawn

Ifonlyhewould · 02/05/2007 12:08

It's ok, i'm having one of those days too

ginnedupmummy · 02/05/2007 12:20

Message withdrawn

Original poster
mylittlestar · 02/05/2007 12:28

glad you two can still make me smile when all I really want to do is cry.

OP posts:
Ifonlyhewould · 02/05/2007 12:57

LOL and ive just blocked my bank account by trying to put in telephone number instead of pin number!!

Awh MLS. I'm sorry you feel like crying. You know what I think, your'e not spending enough time on here!!!

LilyLoo · 02/05/2007 12:59

sorry you feel today MLS but look at it this way, had he never cheated you still never had a guarantee he wouldn't cheat.
PMSL girls def agre on that
Hope you have a 'steaming' good time tonight MLS

Original poster
mylittlestar · 02/05/2007 13:27

I know I'm not getting on here enough! Can't believe ds is being so selfish - you think at 19 months old he'd be able to feed and entertain himself by now!

It's not even the fact that he's cheated I think, as in the betrayal and lies. I can cope with that bit. It's more the thoughts of him doing the most intimate things with some 19 year old f*ing kid when he had a wife at home hoping and praying he'd come and spend the night with me

I really must focus. I have to stop bringing myself down with this. I feel I'm getting worse not better. Probably to do with how ill he is at the moment and me being scared to death to mention anything about it all for fear of him running away again. So it's all just building up in my head and swirling round.

I think I'll be the one running away soon!

Is it too early to start on the vodka for tonight...

OP posts:
LilyLoo · 02/05/2007 13:30

sounds like you really need to offload MLS, it must be really hard when you can't talk it through with dh as only he can reassure you, is she out of the picture again now ? Maybe come back on here for some reassurance, when is the counselling?
I know it's really hard but you really have to try and stop your thoughts going down that road as it only makes it more painful ,easier said than done i know

LilyLoo · 02/05/2007 13:35

MLS as for vodka why not head back over to the cheating thread again for paddlechicks summary is quite good !

Original poster
mylittlestar · 02/05/2007 13:44

As far as I know she's off the scene.
She hasn't pestered me since the texts apologising last Sunday.
I asked dh breifly last night if he'd heard from her and he just said no, nothing.

I'm just so scared that he feels sorry for her (which I know he does) and is in some way keeping in touch to try to help her...

It's so hard. I went absolutely mad on Monday morning. He left here and the direction of his work is left, her house is right. My step dad is a taxi driver and commented "how come I saw 'dh' heading 'right' this morning, is he off work"..?

I went cold and couldn't stop shaking and was sick. (And I'm sick to death of those feelings!) I got the energy together to ring him and ask where the hell he was, to which it turned out there was a really innocent and clear explanation for him going that way.

But then as I'd flipped and questionned him, he got all stressed out and started saying he 'couldn't cope' anymore and he didn't know what to do...

Hence, I then began the apologies and the reassurance to help him calm down and not get stressed out.

(Perhaps it's unrealistic but I felt that he should be the one apologising and reassuring me.)

Just feel like I'm supposed to be over this now and that's the end of it. I know he has the opinion that if it is ever to work I need to now trust him. And I want to. But it's so early days. And I can't ask him for any more reassurance as it stresses him out and I don't want to make his depression worse. But I'm slowly falling apart!

Sorry - I know there's nothing anyone can say. I need to deal with it don't I.

(Individual counsellor will take 4-6 weeks to send me an appointment. So only have MN for now!)

OP posts:
Original poster
mylittlestar · 02/05/2007 13:44

vodka and cheating thread coming up

OP posts:
Ifonlyhewould · 02/05/2007 13:45

MLS you are allowed to be angry, get angry and show hurt and pain. You walking on eggshells or treading carefully as you seem to be doing, is all very nice of you, it's good for DH but it's not very good for you. Nor, is it going to stop him from taking off again. Nothing will. If he is going to do it he will do it.

I think maybe you not feeling able to talk about things is fuelling your thoughts and your imagination. You need to be able to talk to clarify and rationalise your feelings and your fears.

I do worry about you. XX