Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

looks like it's over

961 replies

mylittlestar · 18/04/2007 11:48

well after everything you will have seen so far, and my happiness at dh and i giving our marriage another go, sadly it doesn't look like that is possible anymore.

i've been feeling down the last couple of days and couldn't put my finger on it. thought it was probably a bit of paranoia. the pregnancy scare etc. but looking back dh had also become distant and withdrawn and i think i was picking up on that.

i checked his phone this morning. there was a message in his saved items to the ow. basically said of course i'll get up early to come and take you to work. i'll leave a bit early so we can have a little kiss before we set off...

confronted him. he swore he hadn't been back in touch. then has admitted that after his paranoia that i may have met someone on my work night out last week, he got back in touch with her.
don't really know much more than that and there's no point in asking as i'm not sure i could believe what he tells me anyway.

i had four main reasons for giving things another try. my love for him. the fact that anyone can make a mistake once. the fact that he swore he hated living a double life and would never want to live that way again. and finally, the fact that he said after seeing what he'd put me through, he'd never put me through that again.

just 4 weeks later he has.

to be honest i really don't want to turn this thread into a session to slag dh off. i don't understand his reasons and never will. but i do love him.

i think perhaps it's time to let my head rule my heart and make myself wake up to the fact that he doesn't love me in the same way i love him.

one day he'll realise what he's lost and what he's put me through. and i truly believe that nothing i say or do from this point on will have any impact. it's up to him now.

i've come into work to try and take my mind off it all and calm down. so i'm ok. i'm glad i have MN to get all of this out as this time i do not want one single person in RL to know. i don't want people getting at dh. i don't want people telling me 'i told you so'. i don't really want sympathy.
i'm sick of my life being one big drama after the next. i want to focus on me and ds and i want a happy quiet life filled with love and laughter. if the only way to get that is being alone with ds, then so be it. i'm truly blessed to have him.

so perhaps this thread should be about how i can now move forward without the love of my life and my soul mate....

OP posts:
Cashncarry · 26/04/2007 10:38

#Happy Birthday to you#
#I went to the zoo#
#I saw a big monkey#
#And I thought it was you#

contentiouscat · 26/04/2007 12:50

MLS - I think your DH will give you what "he can" and perhaps that is not what "you need" only you know whether you are strong enough to face it head on & make the final break or whether its easier to carry on as you are.

Unfortunately no easy answer to that one.

Congrats on the job & have a great birthday.

melminx · 26/04/2007 13:04

happy happy birthday mls xxx

ginnedupmummy · 26/04/2007 13:32

Message withdrawn

ohsmellyjelly · 26/04/2007 13:43

Message withdrawn

Ifonlyhewould · 26/04/2007 14:18

Ive only just seen your post MLS! i missed it this morning, DOH!!

Congratulations on your job, thats great news.

Okay, you gave your twopenneth on my situ so here's mine on yours don't hate me for it!!

The invite to dinner is lovely, a nice thought but, it could be DH doing something nice to ease his guilt, to make himself feel a bit better. If you accept he could well see it as you forgiving him. It's only a thought

You deserve every bit of the love and respect that you mentioned in my thread. Don't reward his appauling behaviour, make him earn your love.

Wishing you a lovely evening whatever you decide to do. Wish I was 29 again!! Things would be soooooooooooo different!! XXX

Original poster
mylittlestar · 26/04/2007 14:37

Thank you all so much for my birthday wishes

I particularly liked the song cnc!!

I have had a lovely day so far. Lots of cards and birthday wishes and about 30 text messages off everyone! Filling the day with lots of family stuff and ds is loving opening the presents.

I sent dh a message late last night spelling it out that I did not want to see him today unless he was here to say he loved me and wanted to be with me. I said presents and empty gestures mean nothing to me if he's going to walk away again. He turned up first thing this morning with 2 bags of gorgeous presents, loads of stuff for breakfast, and has booked us a meal for 7.30 tonight!!!

I'm not sure what to make of it all. I'm under no illusion that things will have changed overnight. But I have decided to go for the meal tonight... with no expectations... and hear what he has to say. If anything's changed, and he can give me the love and committment I deserve, then we have a great chance. If not, I will enjoy the meal and his company and walk away tomorrow no worse off. Just maybe a bit wiser!

So all is good so far! Hopefully being 29 won't be too bad after all!

God help you all next year when I turn 30 though! You think I'm having a bad time now... you just wait...

OP posts:
October · 26/04/2007 17:08

Message withdrawn

Ifonlyhewould · 26/04/2007 17:42

I'm smiling. I'm soooo smiling! Bless you, you love this man sooooo much don't you?
You can't kid me! You are going because you want to go, because you love him. Never mind what he has to say tonight, you just enjoy yourself. Forget yesterday, thats gone (you were a lot younger then too) it's now that counts.
You can learn from his mistakes without holding a grudge. You can be angry and hurt but it doesn't mean you have to stop loving him and it certainly doesn't mean you have to cut your nose off to spite your face Order Expensive!!! XX

LilyLoo · 26/04/2007 21:21

LOL IOHW 'order expensive' def and champagne ! Glad you went really as you would have only wondered. Just enjoy the evening i so hope it's good, and a belated happy birthday, sorry bit late

October · 27/04/2007 09:28

Message withdrawn

Ifonlyhewould · 27/04/2007 10:41

We are waiting MLS.......>

We need to hear from you..... NOW!!!

Ifonlyhewould · 27/04/2007 10:54

We must conclude from the rather unusual silence that MLS has had a good night

Otherwise, she would have been on here at 4.30am spilling her guts and ranting her rants

Here's hoping! XX

Paddlechick666 · 27/04/2007 11:01

let's hope she's still in bed

ohsmellyjelly · 27/04/2007 12:24

Message withdrawn

LilyLoo · 27/04/2007 13:20

Still no news ?

Original poster
mylittlestar · 27/04/2007 19:54

Sorry for the suspense!

Had a great night!

I didn't see the 'order expensive' post IOHW!! But of course I did

We had a lovely evening. Great meal and a real good laugh together. Ended up getting in at 3am so it must have been a good night!

We were up and out early this morning with ds and haven't long got in, so I am absolutely shattered!! But it was worth it!

We didn't really talk too much about all the heavy stuff. We chatted about schools for ds, where we would like to live, plans for the future etc - so all positive.

I feel quite relaxed as I'm not expecting too much at all. Just taking each day as it comes this time and seeing where it takes us. His dad's not too good so he's taking him out for a pint tonight. I said I was fine with him then staying at his dads if he wants. Thinking I will not then have any expectations and if he doesn't want to stay here he doesn't have to. But he's dropping his car here and coming straight back after last orders, his choice, which is a massive step compared to a week ago!

I really think we do need the relationship counselling as we tend to bury our heads when we're having a nice time, like now, and avoid rocking the boat. But I think there are many issues and many things that need to be said. (Definitely from my point of view.)
So perhaps doing that in a structured way with a counsellor will help us to get over it all and not live with these issues simmering under the surface. Otherwise I really feel that there will be a lot of resentment there on my part. The issues will only come back and bite us on the bum one day!!

So 29 has been very good so far! It's onwards and upwards from here I hope!

OP posts:
Ifonlyhewould · 27/04/2007 20:00

Wey Hey!! I just logged on to see if you had reported in.

Im so pleased you had such a good evening/night/early morning

It all sounds promising, lots to look forward to

Relationship counselling sounds like a good idea. It will give you both a chance to say things that you might not want to say or perhaps wouldnt say if it was just the two of you having a talk.

Here's to a good weekend XX

Original poster
mylittlestar · 27/04/2007 20:04

Thanks

Feel much better just because my own state of mind is very different too. Distancing myself (mentally) has worked wonders. IOHW I think you're thread and how much it has helped you to do this, is rubbing off on me! Thank you!

xx

OP posts:
Original poster
mylittlestar · 27/04/2007 20:05

"your"

OP posts:
Ifonlyhewould · 27/04/2007 20:07

You are so welcome. Im glad it is working for you too. Every time i post about 'withdrawing' and 'distancing' I worry you might hink i'm potty It really does work. Make sure you keep it up for as long as you can for best results!

I'm glad your'e feeling better about things. Your pain in our pain you know!! xx

LilyLoo · 27/04/2007 21:42

Sounds positive then MLS , agree with IOHW on the distancing thing if you can, it has worked wonders for her. The counselling idea sounds good like you say as you still need to address the issues otherwise they will never go away. I really do hope it is onwards and upwards, sounds like it so far but as you say early days and you have been here before so are prepared in some ways for that to happen, (fingers crossed it won't)

Fubsy · 27/04/2007 21:48

The good thing about counselling if you go, is that you can deal with the crap bits in a safe environment with the counsellor, then set it aside for a bit after if you want to, so you can be happier together outside the sessions.

glad you had a good time yesterday - sounds very positive!

Original poster
mylittlestar · 29/04/2007 14:02

Just to let you all know I'm ok

Had lovely evening out with the girls last night. Nice meal and few drinks and dancing. Didn't stay out too late as wanted to get back to dh and ds, but was a really nice night and lovely to come home to my gorgeous dh and even more gorgeous ds

OP posts:
Dior · 29/04/2007 14:03

Message withdrawn