looks like it's over

[mylittlestar]

well after everything you will have seen so far, and my happiness at dh and i giving our marriage another go, sadly it doesn't look like that is possible anymore.

i've been feeling down the last couple of days and couldn't put my finger on it. thought it was probably a bit of paranoia. the pregnancy scare etc. but looking back dh had also become distant and withdrawn and i think i was picking up on that.

i checked his phone this morning. there was a message in his saved items to the ow. basically said of course i'll get up early to come and take you to work. i'll leave a bit early so we can have a little kiss before we set off...

confronted him. he swore he hadn't been back in touch. then has admitted that after his paranoia that i may have met someone on my work night out last week, he got back in touch with her.
don't really know much more than that and there's no point in asking as i'm not sure i could believe what he tells me anyway.

i had four main reasons for giving things another try. my love for him. the fact that anyone can make a mistake once. the fact that he swore he hated living a double life and would never want to live that way again. and finally, the fact that he said after seeing what he'd put me through, he'd never put me through that again.

just 4 weeks later he has.

to be honest i really don't want to turn this thread into a session to slag dh off. i don't understand his reasons and never will. but i do love him.

i think perhaps it's time to let my head rule my heart and make myself wake up to the fact that he doesn't love me in the same way i love him.

one day he'll realise what he's lost and what he's put me through. and i truly believe that nothing i say or do from this point on will have any impact. it's up to him now.

i've come into work to try and take my mind off it all and calm down. so i'm ok. i'm glad i have MN to get all of this out as this time i do not want one single person in RL to know. i don't want people getting at dh. i don't want people telling me 'i told you so'. i don't really want sympathy.
i'm sick of my life being one big drama after the next. i want to focus on me and ds and i want a happy quiet life filled with love and laughter. if the only way to get that is being alone with ds, then so be it. i'm truly blessed to have him.

so perhaps this thread should be about how i can now move forward without the love of my life and my soul mate....

IOHW your words and advice on our threads bring no end of comfort, you're amazing. Thank you.

OSJ really nice to hear from you. Thank you. Ds didn't cope too well the first day or so. As soon as he woke up he was asking for daddy and then when I got his bottle he was saying 'no... daddy milk' not wanting it off me But he's great again now and settled again and hasn't asked for him for a couple of days. Which makes me just as really. But he's happy and that's what matters.

lilybubble I totally relate to every word you say. The compromising so as not to be a nagging wife and the way they just take advantage What more can we do?! I've posted on your thread.

paddlechick I'm not sure what to suggest. IOHW has felt much better since taking some AD's. You really do need to look after yourself and if you're not feeling right then perhaps it's best to do something before things get worse? Maybe try some herbal ADs first, st johns wort or something? It's not about your dd not deserving 2 parents on ADs, it's about her mum being a loving responsible parent who's picking up the pieces after living through hell. As long you can get through this and come out the other side happier and stronger, that's all that matters.

October your perspective really helps. It's so useful to learn as much as possible about depression and the effects.

cnc thanks for everything. you're messages are great and keep me going

mel lovely to hear from you too. I have been meaning to e-mail but just haven't had the chance (sorry to everyone else who's emailed too!). I hope you're doing ok?

Just a bit of good news too. Last Thursday was the first day I was off work and I used the time to do some job applications and some on line assessments/tests for a really high profile role that I really like the look of. I just found out I passed the tests (I have no idea how!) 84% in the numbers one and 92% in the english one - so I'm hopeful of getting an interview now!

BTW I'm a qualified chartered accountant so really should have got 100% in the numbers one! But I've never been great with maths!!

Message withdrawn

I like your definitions of love, IOHW.

Dp used to push the old "love is never having to say your sorry" crap at me. And now Im definitely shovelling his dross.

I suppose Im lucky that there's been no infidelity (that he'll admit to - he says not) its the complete and utter selfishness that I find difficult. It seems to be happening so often, if all your posts are to go by, and its so sad, especially as children are involved.

Thats the hardest bit - we havent told DD (or indeed anyone else!) and Im almost dreading that more than anything else. I feel that I can pick myself up and dust myself down, but cant bear to let everyone else down, particularly DD - how will she trust us again after this?

Sorry to hijack, but Im finding this thread pretty helpful. Its making me realise how common this behaviour is, but that makes me really sad.

MLS - you're doing really well. ROFL at you doing better in English than Maths! Maybe a career change is in the offing

I have nothing to add to the excellent advice offered on your thread. I am sad on the one hand to see SO many women reeling from the effects of the selfish actions of the men in their and their children's lives. But I'm also heartened by the strength shown which frankly leaves me open-mouthed in amazement when I read your posts.

As always, I'm thinking of you ...

morning MLS, congrats on the tests! Really hope the job hunting goes well.

Thanks for your reply as well, I'm still in two minds. I'm seeing my bf today after a long time away so I'll chat with her about it too.

CNC, can you come and kick my dhh's arse too?

Hi MLS, that is great news re the job, I will be keeping everything crossed for you You do sound really positive. I am sooooo proud of you!!

Fusby - Next time your DH tries to pull the 'love means never having to say sorry' line you just remind him that love means never causing hurt or pain in the first place, therefore having no reason to say 'i'm sorry'

There's a bloke appearing on GMTV tomorrow who claims men are not born to be faithful. I shall be watching that with great interest!! We should all go and invade the Lorraine Kelly sow, he would wonder what the bloody hell had hit him!

Paddlechick - I'll come and kick your DH's arse if you take your ADs you naughty girl! How are you feeling today? Sounds like your night away did you the power of good - are you feeling a bit more positive?

MLS - hope you're ok too xx

oooh CNC! you drive a hard bargain!

i am really really thinking about it. it's just the dr really didn't give me much info and was quite blase about it. he said i had the reduced facial movements of a depressed person.

have been trying to grin like an idiot since! LOL.

but i'm just concerned he never said how long i'd have to take them for etc....

anyways, thanks for asking, my night away did me the world of good. am looking forward to seeing bf today - altho it's sad circs as she's been away for her dad's funeral.

we've got about a 2 hour journey to take them home then the same back so just hope dd isn't too much of a PITA in the car!

Paddlechick - if you don't want to take the doctors prescribed meds I can highly recommend a supplement called 5HTP and St Johns wort. They work brilliantly for me. I wish I had found them years ago, my life seems so much brighter and I haven't even left him yet!!
I was taking prescribed AD's but they made me feel as high as a kite!! I was manic but it did frighten me a bit so, being an advocate of natural supplements I did my research and came up with the above. My miracle pills

So glad you enjoyed your night away. Keep smiling now!!

thanks IOHW, I'll check that out. can you get HTP5 at the health food shops then?

i am a bit worried about the ADs having some weird effect. it's only a 5mg dose tho....

I get mine from Health Span, I order over the internet. I get St Johns wort from them too. I have found Healthspan to be the most reasonably priced for the same strength tablets. I needed the cheapest cos i'm saving up for another gel bra

If you put 5htp into your search thingy it will bring up loads of info, it's a great little pill with many benefits

Hi girls, great news about job and doctor MLS especially the fact that your prepared to accept the help. I suppose learning more about the depression can maybe help you rationalise this unrational situation. I have just passed on the reccomendation IOHW of the natural tablets thanks Paddlechick if you ake them will you let me know how you get on please, i cannot believe the amount of people who go through these things yet there is such a stigma surrounding affairs and depression. It's so hard to help in this situation when people you love cannot help themselves. Funnily enough this has made me and dp discuss our situation again and he has said that he can relate to a lot of these things when he cheated and that now he cannot believe he felt that the situation was so hopeless when it was so obvious to all around him (except the ow) that it wasn't.

hello

glad to see things keeping going without me

I did those tests last week that I got the results for yesterday - then got a call at 9am this morning inviting me for interview. Then have had a 3 hour interview this afternoon!! Shattered!

It went pretty well though. Although I have 2 other possible interviews in the pipe line so I shall just wait and see how it works out...
The idea of cutting my commute from 3 hours to half an hour a day makes me though! I could do the commute with dh's support but this will definitely ease the burden when living alone with ds. So fingers crossed everyone!

paddlechick, glad you're getting some good advice on the ADs. The final decision is yours but IOHW's idea of trying the natural alternatives first is great.

October you sound like a truly lovely person. Don't ever doubt that. I am so grateful for your support.

Lilyloo I'm quite envious of you and how well you're coped with your situation, and how you and dh can now look back and see things clearly. You're an inspiration for me to get to that stage one day!

As for my situation..... someone knock some sense in me and tell me not to contact him and invite him round to spend time with me and dh!!!! I miss him so much. Plus it's my 29th Birthday this Thursday and my mates are trying to make plans and all I want to do is spend it with dh

Message withdrawn

I know... but I want it to be dh!!

But you're right. They want to take me out and we always have a great time so I should let them!

October how are you? I'll pop over to your thread now xx

Oh yes, difinitely go out with your mates - let him twiddle his thumbs for a change!

Good luck with the job interviews by the way.

Message withdrawn

Message withdrawn

MLS well done on the job interview, you clever girl . Cannot believe you do a three hour commute i moan about half an hour, keeping my fingers crossed for you. I really hope one day i will log on to here and your OP will be positive in that either your DH has seen sense or you have been able to move on without him i really do. As for your birthday just do what feels right, you have done the right thing up to here so have complete faith in your decision. It must be so hard when you miss him it really must but as been said before it isn't over yet just on hold. Take care x

Well done MLS. I second everything lily says. Do what you feel best, go with your heart. Don't cut your nose off to spite your face!!!!

Sorry - so busy having fun with ds I can't get on!

Positive news - I got offered that job!!! They've offered slightly more money too, plus less than half the commute, so things looking up! Not 100% decided yet but it's nice to be in this position!

I have also arranged a night out with the girls on saturday.

But as it's my actual bday tomorrow I was just waiting to see what happened... Dh and I have only really been communicating by text, just about ds, but he texted to say he'd booked us a nice meal for tomorrow 'if I wanted to go'.....

Over to me...

I said I was very unsure, as since the weekend I have been mentally moving on and I just don't want to go out with him, get my hopes up that he loves me and wants to try, and then him leave me again on Friday. I said it'll kill me.

he just replied and said 'he undstands'

Cue my next text looking for the tiniest bit of reassurance, asking his reasons for booking it in the first place... Again he just replied saying he wanted to take me for a nice meal for my birthday. Nothing more.

Cue MLS deciding subtlety wasn't working - so I replied saying well if you booked it because you love me and want nothing more than to spend the evening with me, then I would want to go... He just replied and said 'that aswell'.

What the hell do I do? I want to spend my birthday with him more than anyone else in the world. But not if he will just up and leave again the next day saying he needs 'space' and his head is battered.

Surely I'm better spending it with my family who genuinely love me and have my happiness at heart?

It's ok. There's no answer to this one. I know I'll need to do whatever feels right. Sadly I think it feels right to stick to what I've said on here and call it a day for now. He is obviously incapable of giving me anything in return. Not even the tiniest bit of reassurance via a text message...

But I'm so glad I can come on here though, and write it all down. My head was in a right mess before! Am much clearer again now! Thanks

Fantastic news about the job MLS!

Sorry about the rest of it though. They like to have us hanging on dont they?

Hope you have the best birthday you can tomorrow, and do something that YOU want to do

happy birthday MLS!!!!

really hope you have a lovely day whatever you decide to do tonight.

huge congrats on the job front too.

re: dh and tonight, it is a tough call and i'm really not sure i can advise you as it's really about what is in your heart. you know what you can bear and what you can't.

again i've been there, i;ve had times where i've had to ask if he loves me to be replied with "stupid question" which is no reassurance at all eh!

gotta run and get ready for work but will try to check in later.

have a lovely day, you deserve it.

Happy Birthday MLS!!

Have a lovely day and an equally lovely evening, whatever you decide to do XX