looks like it's over

[mylittlestar]

well after everything you will have seen so far, and my happiness at dh and i giving our marriage another go, sadly it doesn't look like that is possible anymore.

i've been feeling down the last couple of days and couldn't put my finger on it. thought it was probably a bit of paranoia. the pregnancy scare etc. but looking back dh had also become distant and withdrawn and i think i was picking up on that.

i checked his phone this morning. there was a message in his saved items to the ow. basically said of course i'll get up early to come and take you to work. i'll leave a bit early so we can have a little kiss before we set off...

confronted him. he swore he hadn't been back in touch. then has admitted that after his paranoia that i may have met someone on my work night out last week, he got back in touch with her.
don't really know much more than that and there's no point in asking as i'm not sure i could believe what he tells me anyway.

i had four main reasons for giving things another try. my love for him. the fact that anyone can make a mistake once. the fact that he swore he hated living a double life and would never want to live that way again. and finally, the fact that he said after seeing what he'd put me through, he'd never put me through that again.

just 4 weeks later he has.

to be honest i really don't want to turn this thread into a session to slag dh off. i don't understand his reasons and never will. but i do love him.

i think perhaps it's time to let my head rule my heart and make myself wake up to the fact that he doesn't love me in the same way i love him.

one day he'll realise what he's lost and what he's put me through. and i truly believe that nothing i say or do from this point on will have any impact. it's up to him now.

i've come into work to try and take my mind off it all and calm down. so i'm ok. i'm glad i have MN to get all of this out as this time i do not want one single person in RL to know. i don't want people getting at dh. i don't want people telling me 'i told you so'. i don't really want sympathy.
i'm sick of my life being one big drama after the next. i want to focus on me and ds and i want a happy quiet life filled with love and laughter. if the only way to get that is being alone with ds, then so be it. i'm truly blessed to have him.

so perhaps this thread should be about how i can now move forward without the love of my life and my soul mate....

Never thought you could love and hate someone at the same time!

Still fancy the pants off him though!

Just have to try and forget that she did too...

from what i have read on here counselling sounds good.We never did it never really thought of it too be honest. Think for me it was at first forget it and move on but then it can back and bit me hard on th ass!

But you can do it both of you working together. You obviously both love each other very much which is why you are still together. Tbh it would have been so much easier for him to leave but he doesnt want to he loves you too much. But he also needs to start being strong for you now but im sorry men are pathetic sometimes and need a boot up the bum. Just try and concentrate on dh being with you but dont bottle your anger or pain up as it will cause trouble.You know there is always someone on here who will very happily listen while you rant away and shoulders are always at the ready to be snotted on! xx

oh yes went from wanting to jump dh to smacking him round the head with a shovel! its not hate its anger and hurt. But ultimately its love and sex with a trollop is not love. And with a trollop sex is sex with your dw/dh you adore its love making and thtas specail and no trollop can compare!

Love the word trollop!

great way of looking at it mel. sex with her was nothing to do with love.

MLS
Please do send it to your dh if it helps.

I feel it's very easy for people on the outside to judge black and white (i probably would have done it myself in days gone by)However having lived the situation I know good people sometimes make huge mistakes, get lost and can't easily find there way back.

When my dh first told me of the affair i'd swing from anger, hate to love and compassion in the same breath! My instinct was to pull him close and to be there for him- like you (i think) we'd hardly had a cross word in all the 20 years we'd been together, so I knew this was oue TEST- we had to fight for it. a relationship needs work and you sometimes, without realising stop working at it.
My dh like yours is not a bad person- not even a womaniser (despite what he did) he did make and perpetuate a bad choice and then couldn't find his way back easily. In a way your dh has to give himself a break, accept what he did and how it makes him feel about himself then learn from it and move on.
I listened to a radio programme yesterday (whilst painting the hallway!!!!!) about people who were wodowed before 50- it was so sad- I could relate to the feelings of grief they described (as I do think recovering from an affair carries with it many of the traits of grief) but I alos thought we still are both here and have a chance at another go- the people in the programme were so lost and cheated out of their love by fate and time....live for today you don't know what tomorrow will bring - was the message- so true!

Oh MLS, I really feel for you. I completely understand the blaming yourself bit as that's exactly what I've spent the last week or so doing too. I didn't have an affair, or do anything 'wrong', but h has still left. It feels like such a total rejection of the whole person that I am that it's hard to absorb. Like you, I know that this is about him, his issues, his problems of not letting me know that something was up, and coupled with the little crisis he was having over job, age, new mortgage.

But he still walked out on me so suddenly and has not looked back. He's involved in a relationship with another woman that he seems to take pleasure in telling me about. So what's better, my h who walked away at the first hint of trouble even though he supposedly may not have been having an affair at that point, or yours, who did have an affair, but now is trying to work things out with you?

Honestly, I don't know the answer. They have hurt us primarily in the same way with a few subtle extras each. But at least your h is trying, he's there. It doesn't sound as though he is doing brilliantly, but a lot of men aren't great at that sort of thing - I know mine wouldn't be much good. Like Dior said, they can't read our minds - they are really so, so different from us. I think a counsellor will really help you guys to process it all and try to move forward.

Keep posting and letting it out. You know we're here for you, here, on MSN, email and phone. Take care xxx

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maturer I hope I can get to where you are one day and look back on this as rationally and wisely as you do.
I sent your post to dh. He replied saying it's given him some hope that he can get through this and helped him to see that both of our reactions are normal. So thank you so much.

lily I don't think either one of our situations is better than the other all I can see is both men are utterly selfish, immature, and unable to deal with the relaities of parenthood, marriage and responsibility. hopefully we will both have a happy outcome in the end. whether or not they now prove themselves. and whatever we decide we want

osj I am definitely going to do what you say. take a step back, focus on me, and sort out the counselling. number is in my phone ready to call on the way home!

Off to get ds shortly... And this evening I will begin IOHW's technique. I'm also going to stop quizzing and thinking about my hurt and anger, and just try to maintain a peaceful, relaxed and happy atmosphere at home for ds...

Ha ha how positive does that sound! That's not how I'm really feeling! But you can't see the look of worry on my face so it's ok!

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hi osj

no it wasn't really! popped into supermarket on way home, was walking round, phone rang, and it was the ow number!!

out of sheer curiosity i had to answer... cue her ranting and raving that my little sister, who's 18 (remember ow is only 19) had found the ow's 'myspace' web site and sent her an abusive message (to put it mildly!) saying how much she hated her, how she was a sl*pper, how she'd ruined mine and ds's lives, etc etc etc

[to make matters worse ow had put all this stuff on her site about how she'd had her heart broken by a married man. how sex with an older man was better.. blah blah blah... my sister didn't really know any details, other than ow's name, roughly where she lives and that she'd been after dh - so on reading that my sister would have gone mental!!]

i was so shocked to hear it all. didn't know what the hell to say to ow!
i apologised on sister's behalf saying i wouldn't have done that myself... but then calmly pointed out that she (and dh) have had a bloody easy ride off me since i found out about their seedy little affair and that neither of them could reasonably expect other people to be as accomodating!! i think that's very true!!

i also pointed out that it was my sister who sat with me on christmas night while i broke down at spending the first christmas in 13 years without dh (because he was with her!).
it was my sister who sat with me on midnight at new years eve whilst our family were celebrating outside and i sobbed uncontrollably whilst holding my fast asleep little ds so tightly because i couldn't bear to put him down (again whilst ow was with my dh!)

it was also my sister who has idolised dh since she met him at age 4. she works for dh too. speaks to him daily about everything in her life. and even when we were separated, she met dh day after day, for lunch and for drinks, to help him through his 'depression' and help him sort his head out. he sat and lied to her face, day after day, saying how much he loved me and the separation was in no way to do with anyone else...
(she was lied to by the one person she looked up to most in the world too. )

it's no wonder she was bloody angry!! to be fair i'm surprised she just sent a nasty message, if i'd known she'd tracked this ow down i'd have half expected her to smack her one!!!!!

so, dh came home fuming (ow had been on to him too!) and ready to kill my sis! i just sat, calmly explained all of the above, and said what would he do in my sister's position?! and he was lucky that sis hadn't punched both of their lights out!! (sis is not like me - if she decided to punch someone they'd know about it!!) and he couldn't argue! i asked sis to leave it at that and not get involved anymore - but no idea if she will or not!

i then put iohw's technique into full use... made tea, had nice family meal, pottered round sorting ds, we all had a little sing to 'the wiggles', then ds went to sleep and we had a little chat (nothing about ow) and then went to bed...
so far so good on that count anyway!

lets see what today brings...

WTF does this ow expect your sister to do. Believe me she doesn't know the half of it, she was very very very lucky she chose someone as understanding as you to mess with MLS, i know as i am most definately not a violent person in any way and when i found out about the ow i went to their place of work and we had what could be called an out of character show down where for the first time in my life my hand came in to contact with someone elses face .
Your sister had every right to call her whatever she wanted and i am sure everything she said was 100% true. Does this ow live in the real world?
Good on you for telling them both this is the reality of their 'sordid' little affair. Anf for once you could do just as them, get on with your life whilst they were prob completely shell shocked, tables turned and about time. How dare they be angry
Wayhey and whoohoo to MLS little sis!

Exactly lilyloo!

Was shocked as I didn't expect it coming. But the more I thought about it the more proud I felt that my sis felt so strongly for me that she had to make a stand.

It affected dh and ow much more than me! Finally!

Nothing like your sister to make you feel better and them feel bad

What a good start to the day

All i can say is it's a good job we didn't find her web page

am tempted to start a thread... title showing her web site name... op explaining what's happened... and keep it bumped for a month!

wtf does the OW expect if she starts putting personal details of her life on myspace ffs?!?!?!

if it hadn't have been your sister then it could well have been anyone who has any respect for the sanctity of marriage.

god forbid the OW should go on MN and bleat on - she'd get totally flamed here eh.

glad you were so clear about your position to the OW and dh. suggest dh ditches his mobile and gets a new one - OW won't have any way to contact him at all then.

am raging angry at the world today so it better watch out!

GO ON! GO ON !
You could always indiscretely put it on MSN

well i think you should give us the website addy at the very least - let me get on there today. she won't know what's feckin hit her.

pc think we are both going to change our numbers now so she can't get in touch anymore. just wondering if there's a way to block her number instead so that we don't have all the hassle!

are you ok? has something new happened or still no word?

PC any news ?

MLS i think you have to change your number we just went throught his with friend and she wanted number blocked, she with orange, but had to change nyumber. Pretty straight forward though. They did it over phone and then text her her new no. She then just forwarded it to all no's in her in box. It worked though the said person has butted out. I really think you both need to do this if you don't want her to be a part of your lives anymore as she doesn't look like she going to slink away. Obv a real drama queen telling everyone her details of this

PLEEEEEEASE tell us! promise only to read it and not say anything to her [fingers crossed behind my back]

no, nothing nothing nothing.

i am getting a serious kicking from work as well.

boss told me last week that my job was stressful by nature therefore if i couldn't handle it then perhaps i should think about another role.

scuse my language but the fucking bastard! i've been doing this job over 3 years on a lower grade than 95% of my colleagues without any problem.

now i have 1 project manager who is causing problems and i get this crap.

and i'm supposed to be writing my justification for upgrade at the moment. my other 2 colleagues are hectoring me to get it done too.

finding it very hard to justify my existence for them all now.

bastards.

don't tempt me!!

silly cow looks quite nice on the picture she's put up on it though
plus she's got a picture of herself doing show-jumping... as if to add insult to injury... I've been horse riding my whole life, adore it, and have never been able to afford or have the time to have my own horse.
that bitch has 2 horses

dh really did go out to find a younger and better version of me in every way didn't he

actually I think I should post the bloody web site!!!!!!

oh pc what a bloody nightmare. could you consider getting signed off for a while to get some breathing space? or would that make the job issues worse?

don't underestimate yourself - you know you can do it. give that project manager a good kicking. you don't need this right now

dh found a desperate slapper MLS and very quickly found out what a truly fine mess he made.

what's teh address www.bunnyboilers.com?