looks like it's over

[mylittlestar]

well after everything you will have seen so far, and my happiness at dh and i giving our marriage another go, sadly it doesn't look like that is possible anymore.

i've been feeling down the last couple of days and couldn't put my finger on it. thought it was probably a bit of paranoia. the pregnancy scare etc. but looking back dh had also become distant and withdrawn and i think i was picking up on that.

i checked his phone this morning. there was a message in his saved items to the ow. basically said of course i'll get up early to come and take you to work. i'll leave a bit early so we can have a little kiss before we set off...

confronted him. he swore he hadn't been back in touch. then has admitted that after his paranoia that i may have met someone on my work night out last week, he got back in touch with her.
don't really know much more than that and there's no point in asking as i'm not sure i could believe what he tells me anyway.

i had four main reasons for giving things another try. my love for him. the fact that anyone can make a mistake once. the fact that he swore he hated living a double life and would never want to live that way again. and finally, the fact that he said after seeing what he'd put me through, he'd never put me through that again.

just 4 weeks later he has.

to be honest i really don't want to turn this thread into a session to slag dh off. i don't understand his reasons and never will. but i do love him.

i think perhaps it's time to let my head rule my heart and make myself wake up to the fact that he doesn't love me in the same way i love him.

one day he'll realise what he's lost and what he's put me through. and i truly believe that nothing i say or do from this point on will have any impact. it's up to him now.

i've come into work to try and take my mind off it all and calm down. so i'm ok. i'm glad i have MN to get all of this out as this time i do not want one single person in RL to know. i don't want people getting at dh. i don't want people telling me 'i told you so'. i don't really want sympathy.
i'm sick of my life being one big drama after the next. i want to focus on me and ds and i want a happy quiet life filled with love and laughter. if the only way to get that is being alone with ds, then so be it. i'm truly blessed to have him.

so perhaps this thread should be about how i can now move forward without the love of my life and my soul mate....

Oh Pc with all the background detail it is easier to see how things have come to this. I would wholeheartedly agree with your friends. He has made some dreadful mistakes in his life granted but it must be so hard that you are being punished for them. I don't really know what else to say. Obviously this dissapearing isn't new and looks like a part of your relationship

C&C - post a pic though

I really need to talk to someone today if poss. Don't want to post publicly on here tho. Anyone about?

sorry, meant to add pc I read your story and don't even know where to start. It's way too big for me. Such shit past relationships with women, so many kids.... And you on the receiving end of all of the fallout. So sad. What a mess. Have you made a decision, eg stick it out, pray he comes round, call it a day? If so, do you have a time frame to work on. The worst thing I guess is to be at the mercy of so many factors totally out of your control I'm afraid I'm not wise but am at least f&got!

Oops, that looks like I'm a faggot. Who chose this name, lol.

ernest, i'm about for half hour or so.

email me via the msn group if you want to speak privately or post on msn if you prefer.

hope you're ok

Ernest posted on msn if you need chat x

hi ernest im about if you still need to chat x

thanks a lot melminx (& lilyloo) I eventually posted dilema on f&got if you feel brave enough!

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Hi. Good to see you're all keeping things going.

Sorry - things so up and down here at the moment I haven't managed to get on.

Paddlechick I hope you're ok
I can't believe what he's still putting you through after all this time

I've had quite a few lengthy discussions with dh - turns out a lot of the things he did weren't due to his depression - just pure selfishness. Simple as that. He wanted to have his cake and eat it, and was tearing himself apart trying to keep both of us happy and telling lie after lie to cover his tracks! But he wanted his wife and baby when it suited, and his slapper on the side (who wasn't just a slapper - their shopping trips, nights in hotels, staying at her house etc etc meant it was a hell of a lot more than just sex )

But anyway, paddlechick if this helps you in any way - looking at it now it was dh's actions that gave him the depression, not the depression that made him have an affair and put me through hell - iyswim?? Your dh is 100% out of order and I wish I knew what to say to help you. But it's way past him blaming the depression - he needs to know that you now realise that and will stop making excuses for him.

Sorry for the rant! Needed that! DH is still doing everything he can to try and put this right. (6 months too late!)

I, on the other hand, am off out tonight and not sure what time I'll be home!!!!

I'm doing ok

Ernest are you ok - will check msn and e-mail now xx

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mls, osj you're absolutely right. his depression has been caused by his actions.

i know that. i always felt we'd tackle teh depression and get him well and capable of tackling the issues behind his behaviour.

he knows how much i have been prepared to forgive but he seems incapable of forgiving himself. or maybe he just isn't interested in me and dd but plays the game whenever he is here.

i've asked him time and again to be honest with me. told him it'd be easier if he actually said this wasn't what he wanted rather than string me along etc.

when he's here we range from huge D&Ms to just behaving normally as tho nothing has actually happened. he makes promises each time about coming more frequently and maintaining contact but never sustains it.

none of it adds up. i just can't figure it out.

i haven't contacted him for 3 weeks. it doesn't seem to have any effect on him at all.

none

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PC, sorry don't really know what's happening with you, but are you still a couple when he shows up, or not.
Tell me to bugger off if you want

BoM, bugger off! LOL!

just coz you said i could

yes we're still a couple when he's here, and a good one too. we've never had a turbulent relationship, barely do we argue or disagree etc.

PC the only reason dh is 'back' in all senses of the word is because I finally know the full truth and he can stop lying and pretending.

FWIW I think your dh does want to be with you, he just doesn't know how. Like you said, the key is can he forgive himself?
My dh said he could only forgive himself if I can forgive him (which I can see).

But I believe that a person has to find it in themselves to fogive their actions and find the strength to start putting things right. How your dh will get that strength I don't know. You've put up with more than I could. I don't know who or what it will take to make him realise that it's only him who can put this right.
(It took my dh to 'lose' me before he woke up to that.)

Thinking of you xx

OSJ, I've asked for your post to be removed as there are a few too many details that I have never posted on MN in there.

No drama but please can we keep this one on the MSN group as it's private there.

Thanks

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PC

well I suppose I asked for it. As OSJ seems to have overstepped the bounds, by accident, I wont ask you any more.

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osj, no harm done and am not upset at all.

BoM, come join our group and you'll get all the gory details LOL.

maybe we should charge a subscription fee

just doing dinner, bath, bed routine so will check in later.

osj, please don't feel bad

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i'm really really not offended at all, honestly.

lol @ evictee - you're giving me ideas now!

will read MSN later, must go and drain the rice!

sweet domesticity.

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