looks like it's over

[mylittlestar]

well after everything you will have seen so far, and my happiness at dh and i giving our marriage another go, sadly it doesn't look like that is possible anymore.

i've been feeling down the last couple of days and couldn't put my finger on it. thought it was probably a bit of paranoia. the pregnancy scare etc. but looking back dh had also become distant and withdrawn and i think i was picking up on that.

i checked his phone this morning. there was a message in his saved items to the ow. basically said of course i'll get up early to come and take you to work. i'll leave a bit early so we can have a little kiss before we set off...

confronted him. he swore he hadn't been back in touch. then has admitted that after his paranoia that i may have met someone on my work night out last week, he got back in touch with her.
don't really know much more than that and there's no point in asking as i'm not sure i could believe what he tells me anyway.

i had four main reasons for giving things another try. my love for him. the fact that anyone can make a mistake once. the fact that he swore he hated living a double life and would never want to live that way again. and finally, the fact that he said after seeing what he'd put me through, he'd never put me through that again.

just 4 weeks later he has.

to be honest i really don't want to turn this thread into a session to slag dh off. i don't understand his reasons and never will. but i do love him.

i think perhaps it's time to let my head rule my heart and make myself wake up to the fact that he doesn't love me in the same way i love him.

one day he'll realise what he's lost and what he's put me through. and i truly believe that nothing i say or do from this point on will have any impact. it's up to him now.

i've come into work to try and take my mind off it all and calm down. so i'm ok. i'm glad i have MN to get all of this out as this time i do not want one single person in RL to know. i don't want people getting at dh. i don't want people telling me 'i told you so'. i don't really want sympathy.
i'm sick of my life being one big drama after the next. i want to focus on me and ds and i want a happy quiet life filled with love and laughter. if the only way to get that is being alone with ds, then so be it. i'm truly blessed to have him.

so perhaps this thread should be about how i can now move forward without the love of my life and my soul mate....

Perhaps they are MSNing (whatever that may be)LOL

I really think MLS needs to start a new thread "hurrah - its not over" - i'm sure she could come up with something better. How about a new thread title competition LOL

Im being kicked off DH wants to ebayStill if hes on the computer I can turn off the cr*p hes got on TV

contentiouscat I did think of starting a new thread but the truth is that I think everyone is sick of my threads!!

are you joining our MSN group too?

hope everyone is ok. paddlechick are you? I hope we don't have to kick osj out, I like her!

I can't bloody leave a message on that msn fagot group. Been trying all day.

basically, in a nutshell, talk went ok yesterday.

and re the meet, I'm very flattered you're bearing me in mind for Birmingham in AUgust and I'd LOVE LOVE LPVE to come, but realistically, I think I'd only be able to come to a meet that was in London/ south, as we'll be there for 2 weeks, will have 13 hour drive to get to Kent, will have to visit sil in London (baby due end July) and my mum in Dorset, and possibly aunty in Great Yarmouth (60th birthday) so I seriously doubt I'll have the time/be allowed to travel a couple of days up to Brum

Is anyone else having msn problems???

Hi Ernest, yes, i think we are all having MSN problems. Ive been trying to leave a message for you all day but you have answered it now I'm glad all went well.

hi all

sorry been busy at work all day today.

have approved lou and sent a test message - group looks okay so not sure what's been up today.

hope all well

Evening all loving the shortened fagot group Ernest is that for the dh/dp's ?

hello

won't be around much today/tomorrow - off to the zoo with dh and ds in a minute as it's my last day off work (back in on Monday )

then going to cook dh a nice meal tonight and open a bottle of wine and see if we can have a nice evening

I know I've been strong through this, and I know I can cope whatever happens - but increasingly since knowing the 'full' truth (them sleeping in my bed, where he was at christmas and new year, the fact she knew ds, the way he didn't end the affair the first time I found out...) I'm not actually sure I can get over this.

I can't believe I'm saying it but it's too hard. It's tearing me apart. Every time I look at him I can see him and her.

I won't give up trying. I'll do everything I can and I'm hoping and praying that the counselling will help me deal with the hurt at what he's done to me. But I'm sinking fast! I just don't think I can do this

Going to do everything we can to make today a nice special family day and then take it from there.

Wish me luck xx

You can if you want to. You, more than anyone I know! Thats all i'm going to say on the matter

Have a lovely weekend. I hope your nice evening is everything you want it to be xx

oh mls, so sorry to read your last post. I really understand. And you've had a lot more to deal with than me. Does he know you're feeling this way, or even have an inkling?

I found, to my surprise, after a few weeks of feeling ok, or feeling things were settling down, I started feeling bad about the whole thig, but in a different way. At one point I was so shocked he could even do that to me, let alone our wonderful sons. Really mind blowing selfishness. Then I spent a long time feeling so hurt he did that to me, and the focus of my feelings was on the lies and deceit.

Recently I've felt really down, the focus of my feeling being regret at having chosen to be a sham, that my whole adult life has been a waste and a lie, and I've been so foolish to put myslef in suh a unerable position and be prepared to out myslf last. I feel stupid. And I look to the future with fear and confusion. I want to work, but where and how? My spoken German is good, but is it good enough? My written german is carp. I feel semi-literate and unemployable.

Blimey, this wasn't meant to turn into an Ernest moan, just a recognition that your feelings are going to change. Don't forget, for you, it's really only been 2 weeks hasn't it? Of course you're going tobe all over the place. You will cope and get used to it. You love him so much and he seems at lst to have had is 'damascus moment'. I'm sure it didn't come too late to sve your marriage, but you need to be gentle to yourself, look after yourself, and recognise the path to re building things is only just started for you. You thought you were on it alongside me a couple of months ago, but you've found yourslef back at the beginining. Hope you have nice weather there. Look at the sun, try to focus on the here and now, looking back and forwards is too depressing and scary for me right now, so probably will be for you too. Work'll be ok, I envy you having that in your life.

And we're all here for you.

as ever.
xxx

MLS can I just point out that the moment that you found out everything is where the grieving process started. So it is all VERY raw and new and awful AGAIN. You have to give yourself time, you have a lot of new information to work through.

Also, I think whilst you are focussing so hard on 'the fight', winning the war against the other woman so to speak and getting back what rightfully belongs to us, you have a purpose and thats all that matters. You are 'driven'. Once you no longer have to fight, to win him back, when all that is sorted and you are left with just you and him and settling back into some sort of normality the focus changes. Reality sets in

Hope today turns out to be a good day. You can get through it if you want to. Take care x

MLS, sorry. Wishing you all the luck in the world.

Thanks everyone. BlueSkynSunshine thanks for your good wishes too.

I guess with only finding out the full truth this time last week it is still pretty raw. I did think I was quite far down the road to dealing with the affair, but that was the affair that was portrayed to me by him. And tbh - the one I wish I still believed. Knowing it all hurts like hell. That's the main thing I hate her for. I didn't need to know every little detail.

We had a lovely day at the zoo, ds loved it! I've just got the tea cooking, my sister has just called in so she's bathing ds for me dh just popped to the gym, so I get 10 mins on here

She's everywhere I look Awfully, she lives just a couple of roads away from me and I just popped to the local shop to get some things I needed for tea and broke down again!

I know you're all right and I just need to give myself some time.

Strangely though, one of the hardest things is not the lies and the times he's let me down and was literally 2 mins away from me in her house...
I mentioned this on my old thread. And I can't believe I'm writing it now since you all 'know' me so much more. But it's the fact that we've been together since age 15 and only ever been with each other. Now, 14 years later, he's had 6 months of sha*ging a 19 year old, realised it's me he wants and the grass isn't greener, and I'm just supposed to say 'ok no worries, lets just go to bed...'

I can't. I just can't do it. I thought I could before, but now I know that he pretty mush slept with her 3-4 times a week and stayed over at her house for the past 6 months, it's different. How do I get past that? I can't can I?

Do we need to really have some time apart so that I can see other people like he has, and then come back to him when/if I realise the grass isn't any greener too?
Or do I forgive him and forever wonder if the sex between him and her was so amazing that I can never compare to her?
Or if I know it's him I want, do I just see if time heals?

Think it's definitely time to get that bottle of wine opened....!

oh sweetheart, my heart is breaking for you having to face all this.

i'm pretty crap at advice at the mo. dh's continued absence/silence combined with everyone elses' stories just makes me think he is doing something similar but can't face me even to lie to me.

but anyway, the only advice i can offer is to give yourself time to process all this and get to the other side of the emotional tidal wave you're surfing right now.

don't be afraid to trust yourself, please don't let this defy your amazing spirit.

best advice i ever had was it's okay to do nothing, for a little while at least.

take care
xx

MLS glad you had a good day. I really can't advice you on how to handle this. You have to do it your way. But like PC said just do nothing for a while and see how you feel. Like you said he has come back to you but taht doesn't mean you have to take him back. You are back in control of your life now and you can take any direction you choose. Time is a great healer and the more things you do together to greater the distance between them and the relationship. You really have to try and stop torturing yourself over the things they did together. Remember you have a hell of a lot more memories than a 6 month fling. the going out there and doing it with someone else thing will always be an option but i really don't think it will take the hurt or the anger away. Why not just see how things are in another two weeks and just take it all a step at a time. Take care it's not easy but you will get there whatever outcome you choose.

MLS how are you doing sweet? I've been thinking about you all week and cursing my lack of a PC during the day!

FWIW I think you're expecting too much of yourself - again As others have said, it really is too soon to be asking yourself if you could forgive him or not. You've barely had a chance to digest the true detail of his betrayal and the fact that he kept the real truth from you. As for whether or not you need distance from him - that's a question only you can truly answer. I think you should ask yourself "What do I need right here, right now" without thinking about your marriage, your DS, your job or anything else. Do you need him by your side, or do you feel like you're suffocating under the weight of it all?

I've said it before but I'll say it again - you need a holiday girl! Regardless of any big decisions re "taking a break" in your relationship, you need to get away from your current location - just for a few days - take DS and DH with you by all means if you feel you must! It must be so hard with her living around the corner - book something, now - that's an order

I will just add that I can totally understand where you're coming from with wondering about DH and OW being together - what was it like etc. But try to remember that it was unlikely to be about the sex - anyway. From what you've told us, he's going through a rough time at the mo with family and everything - I think it was pure escapism. Now that he's (thankfully) realised that what his reality is far too important to throw away, I doubt he even thinks about the stuff that you're worrying about. I know that doesn't help you really - you'll still think about it. It's human nature - don't be too hard on yourself.

Another thing to add is to say that you're absolutely right in saying that you kind of wish you didn't know every detail that the OW set out. But try to remember that she was saving all that stuff up. She was always planning to tell you and although the truth was bad enough, no doubt she embellished and dramatised the whole thing to make it sound bigger than it really was. This is a woman who took an overdose when DH went on hols with you - she's not stable or reliable. She deliberately and viciously tried to break your world apart simply because of her jealousy for what you have - which you've worked hard for. You're a gorgeous, intelligent, caring wife and mother - she will never be where you are and she knows that.

Someone said to me once that there are some people that will stand on other people's shoulders simply to make themselves feel taller. Remember that by kicking the boot into you, she made herself feel better. Don't go back to feeling sorry for her but put yourself in her shoes in five years time - she will still be scrapping over other people's leftovers whereas your life will keep improving so you'll be in a better, brighter place whether or not DH fits into that picture xx

top post CNC.

Hi MLS, I accidentally deleted this from my watched threads, but have found you again!

Sounds like youve really been through it over the last couple of weeks. Im amazed youre staying as positive as you are! I know your DH says its you he wants, but I understand your need to have that distance until you feel ready to say ok.

Good luck with the counselling - that should help to put things into perspective.

I need to find out more about this MSN thing and meetup - Ive been trying to join mSN for weeks, but have had problems with a user name. Will keep trying though.

MLS

It is normal during grieving of any kind to go through lots of different emotions. The way you feel one week will be totally different to the next. Don't make any permanent decisions until your emotions have calmed down, or you might make one that you regret.

It sounds to me like you want to forgive your dh. So, give it some time and make him earn that forgiveness. Don't do anything you don't want to do.

remember, you've only known really a couple of weeks, it is really hard and frustrating to feel like you're back at square 1. don't go off and shag someone else, it'll only make you feel bad about yourself. It's obviously special to you that you've only ever ben with each other. He's messed up on his side but that doesn't deminish your side. but if you go off and shag someone just to see, or to get rrvenge, or your turn, you wouldn't feel good about it.

Time will make you feel better.

cnc is right - you need a holiday. come to Switzerland for a few days. easyjet do really cheap flights

time will amke the pain deminish.

I went out with dh last night in zurich and spent the whole time on and off thinking about her,I don't even know what she looks like, so felt really freaky thinking she could even sit at the next table and I wouldn't know. At least you know who she is and all the details, even if you'd rather not.

I've sort of had this convo with dh, about him & her & feeling inadequate compared to her etc and he tried really hard to convince me, and I'm tying to convince you, that dh + OW is totally separate from you. Men seem to be able to compartmentalise their lives in a way we can't. she is totally sep. from you, nothing to do with you, anyway, if he were to compare you 2, who'e going to come off better? We've all seen your picture! And it's clear who the winner is. He wants you, he chose you. I guess it's up to you if you want the 'prize'

but unfortunately, it is early days. remember, you can't make any decision now. don't act in haste.

As many people have advised me, try not to think about her. Not everything is about her. Even if it feels like it.

My dh's ow is in my mind all the time. Last night when we went out, we walked past a really expensive hotel dh took me to one night. I tried to ignore it, but he innocently pointed it out my immediate reaction was, you took me there while you were having the affair, did you tell her, what did she think about it etc etc. He was shocked, hadn't even thought of her and was a bit pissed off that I linked the 2. but she's always in my head. I know it's not healthy and I'm going to have to work hard to force her out of my head, and so will you, but for you it will be harder - it's still new for you, she lives really close, you've had a horrible meeting, you've been doubly betrayed.

Any news on house hunting? Try and get your teeth stuck into something that's absolutely new and OW-free

Do you know it makes me so angry that they cause all this damage then can just move on and have done with it, got it out of their systems whilst we are left picking up the pieces. Some excellent aadvice there cnc. I don't know what's orst knowing it all like you MLS or being completely in the dark like Ernest. Either way it's devestating hope you feeling a bit brighter today x

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate your posts. Cnc that was a lovely post and brilliant advice, thank you.

I'm going to take on board what you've all said and do exactly that - do nothing for a while and just see how things go. I don't have to rush into anything so going to take the time I need. I'm so confused.

Ernest I do exactly the same as you, we were talking about our wedding anniversary last night and I just suddenly blurted out the same as you, 'well I have good memories of it, but you were already sleeping with her, what did you say to her that night, were you texting her when you were with me?' etc etc. It's like she's impacted on every area of our lives.

(Particularly because the affair started 3 weeks before our wedding anniversary, then covered christmas, new year, valentines day, his 30th birthday and my 29th birthday!! I said I feel like there's not one occasion now that we can celebrate without me thinking that 'last time' he was with her for half the day and me the other half! Which is true!)

But I'm ok. I'm feeling a lot calmer today. We had a lovely evening last night and I managed to stop the interrogation, have a few glasses of wine and watch a film with dh.
I need to try and start eating again. That constant sick feeling and knot in my stomach just won't go away! Even dh commented this morning that I'm looking quite 'thin' (said in a nice way of course!) so need to start building my strength back up!

We're off to a concert tonight with a some close friends. Mixed feelings about it but it's been booked for a while so going to try and go and relax. Hoping it will be a good night. At least to make up for the not eating I'm managing plenty of drinking!

Fubsy hope you get the MSN sorted!

And as for a holiday - dh suggested a few days in Vegas would be great (we were talking about our past hols and that was one of our favourite places)... wonder if I can get him to book it!!

Thank you all again. So much

Have a good time MLS, hope you manage to enjoy it.
Do any of your friends know or do they think everything is rosy.
I think I remember you saying something about no one knowing that's why you come here. But I could be mixing you up with another thread(I have a horrendous memory)
If they don't know, don't put pressure on yourself to pretend if you don't want to. If any one asks what's up, look at him to answer.

Anyway, have a lovely time. xx

cor MLS, wish I had your social life LOL!

d'you need someone to carry your bags to Vegas? I love Vegas!!

WRT to how the OW has impacted your recent life and memories of what should be happy occasions.

tbh, that period is never going to go away but it will fade. and, as you've said yourself, you and dh have such a long history together that maybe it would help to remember that there were all the other xmas's, birthdays, anniversaries that you have wonderful memories of.

that sounds a bit trite but i hope you understand what i mean.

if it pops into your head, replace it with a nicer memory of the same event - does that make sense?

in a year's time all those events will have rolled around again and you'll be able to over-write with new memories.

it's not a cure-all but it's maybe a coping mechanism.

glad to hear you're getting on with normal life and giving yourself time to recover before you make any big decisions.

regards the eating, i know it's hard to do but you need for your ds at the very least. your mental and physical health relies on food so get yourself a lovely unhealthy burger at the gig tonight!

hope you have a nice time and can file away another good memory of time spent together.

each good memory will eat a little away from the bad one.