looks like it's over

[mylittlestar]

well after everything you will have seen so far, and my happiness at dh and i giving our marriage another go, sadly it doesn't look like that is possible anymore.

i've been feeling down the last couple of days and couldn't put my finger on it. thought it was probably a bit of paranoia. the pregnancy scare etc. but looking back dh had also become distant and withdrawn and i think i was picking up on that.

i checked his phone this morning. there was a message in his saved items to the ow. basically said of course i'll get up early to come and take you to work. i'll leave a bit early so we can have a little kiss before we set off...

confronted him. he swore he hadn't been back in touch. then has admitted that after his paranoia that i may have met someone on my work night out last week, he got back in touch with her.
don't really know much more than that and there's no point in asking as i'm not sure i could believe what he tells me anyway.

i had four main reasons for giving things another try. my love for him. the fact that anyone can make a mistake once. the fact that he swore he hated living a double life and would never want to live that way again. and finally, the fact that he said after seeing what he'd put me through, he'd never put me through that again.

just 4 weeks later he has.

to be honest i really don't want to turn this thread into a session to slag dh off. i don't understand his reasons and never will. but i do love him.

i think perhaps it's time to let my head rule my heart and make myself wake up to the fact that he doesn't love me in the same way i love him.

one day he'll realise what he's lost and what he's put me through. and i truly believe that nothing i say or do from this point on will have any impact. it's up to him now.

i've come into work to try and take my mind off it all and calm down. so i'm ok. i'm glad i have MN to get all of this out as this time i do not want one single person in RL to know. i don't want people getting at dh. i don't want people telling me 'i told you so'. i don't really want sympathy.
i'm sick of my life being one big drama after the next. i want to focus on me and ds and i want a happy quiet life filled with love and laughter. if the only way to get that is being alone with ds, then so be it. i'm truly blessed to have him.

so perhaps this thread should be about how i can now move forward without the love of my life and my soul mate....

ps: i haven't cared but i'm starting to care again.........

pps: hotmail is behaving like my dh - it won't talk to me! will keep trying as that's where the msn stuff is going....

My heart goes out to you. Yet another strong and wonderful woman!!

I think by now I would be so angry!! I would have changed the locks and taken all his stuff to his mothers. Partly in the hope of giving him a wake up call.

How are you managing financially? Basically you are a single parent and could claim financial help as such. He certainly has a lot to answer for hasn't he. Just walking out on you like this. How could he???

Well, try not to care about him as much as you care about you. It's a shame DDH appears to able to care!
Ooooh, if I could get my hands on him......!

that should be unable to care

i keep thinking i should drive over there and confront him but i just don't have the wherewithall to do it.

no point changing the locks coz he never comes here!

i'm struggling a bit financially. he does give me money but it's not enough. he wanted this house and we agreed when we came here if it didn't work out he was still responsible. he doesn't cover the rent tbh. and im still paying his council tax - yeah i know i'm a fool.

and we're only renting because we sold our house to pay off the debts after the business failed due to his depression.

i'm taking steps to sort myself out with a permanent home but it's going to take a few months.....

paddlechick

You've been living through what I have been living through, but for a hell of a lot longer.

You've shown strength I couldn't have shown in your circumstances.

I'm afraid I agree with IOHW and would pack his stuff up and take it over to his mothers house. I would tell him face to face that depression or no depression, to not contact you in almost 3 weeks to ask how you (who is unwell herself) and his own daughter is, is the final straw!

As we've discussed, his depression does not stop him knowing right from wrong and the fact that he cannot find it in himself to even text you about his daughter says a lot. He is selfish beyond belief.

I'm not saying this is easy - but packing his stuff up may not be just good for the 'wake up call'. But it may be a good way for you to do something physical to help you cut him lose and leave him to it.

This has been going on for too long now. He has no excuses left. Do you feel ready to give him an ultimatum and live with the consequences either way? Or do you want to continue to wait and see? (Because at the end of the day only you can decide.)

MNS - Glad you feel so strong after what you have had to listen to. I admire you.

Have applied to the MSN group BTW

Great.

Have applied to MSN group too but no idea if it worked...

Paddlechick I have to go and sort ds now so probably won't get back on tonight, but I will e-mail you tomorrow.

Stay strong. You've come this far. Whatever you decide things can only get better now xx

maybe it's become a way of life? not one that i want but not one that i know how to stop living.......

up until the last few weeks i always believed it was salvageable but i know i have to take a long hard look at things.

on a brighter note, i've sorted out Hotmail (threatened it with the freezer & mincer!!!) and I've accepted those that have applied so far.

see ya on there ladies.

those who haven't applied yet - get on and do it!

mylittlestar whats the point of getting rid of the bed if you have to sleep in that room every night, will you not lie there thinking about what your husband did in that room. you cant believe that getting rid of the bed will make any diffrence while the 4 walls are still standing.

MLS - just logged on to see you've done an update. I'm so pleased you're feeling better and even making jokes Because of the nature of this forum, there will be the odd dumb-arse who posts the odd provocative post designed to hinder rather than help, but the joy of anonymity means you can ignore the dross and just take account of the good advice from your mates who care about you.

Take *bluebubbles" for instance - you'd think she came onto the thread to provide advice. But actually, she's just gone on practically every active rship thread being deliberately provocative! My guess is she's bored and needs attention. So just treat her as you would a tantrumming toddler - ignore, ignore, ignore

i was only highlighting the fact that mylittlestarsidea to move would be a good one, i know she cant get rid of her dc and will have to live with the fact that he laughed and played with ow and possibly looked to her as a mother figure while ill but the house is just bricks and morter and easier to get rid of.

bluebubbles
you clearly haven't bothered to read this thread in it's entirety.
that could be forgiven however you must have read MLS's update in order to make the comments that you have.
If you had read the whole thread you may have recognised that MLS is an incredibly intelligent woman who has dealt with a dreadful situation with dignity and amazing candour.
She is here for support and she expressly asked for that support in the post that you must have read.
You have a right to your opinion and the nature of MN is that you are free to voice that opinion.
However, your posts have not been about your POV on the situation but rather to state the obvious.
In the first post this, IMO, was just unnecessary. In the second post what you said regarding "not being able to get rid of dc" is distasteful and upsetting to me so you can imagine what sort of effect it will have on MLS.
Uncalled for and I for one would appreciate it if you stayed off this thread if you haven't anything constructive to say.

I agree paddlechick.
Bluebubbles do you really think it necessary to point that out. Don't you think she's thought about everything from every angle.
It's just insensitive and cruel.
Why don't you start your own thread with whatever problem is obviously bothering you and leave everyone else alone. But as I also recognised your name as someone who was not being very nice for no real reason I wouldn't expect much support if I were you.

hi all sorry just caught up with thread stupid computer broke down and been going nuts all week without my mn

MLS im sorry you have been down again but im happy your ok again now that must have taken extraordinary courage to face the ow and especially to hear what she had to say. As always you have my deepest respect your amazing simple as!

Paddlechick Im sorry your having it rough. Way too early in the morning for me to offer advice.

this early in morning im like cave woman ugg ugg!!!

As for meet up im in! And i'll share with anyone im easy

iohw hi still in ugg ugg mode

cnc hi as above

mocha time me thinks

Hi mls & pc and everyone. Finally back home after 1 week in Austria & 1 week in UK.

Was thinking about y'all , 1st thiink this moring logged on with baited breath. Really relieved to read your latest update mls and really to read yours, pc. I have no experience of depression, but so long without contacting you is just terrible. i really am in awe of how you are coping.

I've also applied to join msn group - never done msn before so I too hope it wrks.

Wishing everyone a positive day xx

Just got to add twopennyworth to the thread. Half-baked philosophy coming up.

We don't get what we deserve in this life, we get what Fate and other people hand out to us as well as what we can carve out for ourselves. The straying DH does not deserve to be given another chance, but that's no reason why you should not choose to give it. You didn't deserve to be cheated on in the first place, but it happened. And the OW doesn't deserve your compassion, but she got it. If she has any conscience left she may have learned something valuable. If, on the other hand, she is a conniving little bitch who was faking her apology then making you angry would only amuse her, while your pity will give her far less satisfaction. You do have a right to get angry sometimes, as I know you do. However ranting and hating will not, in the long term, get you anywhere you want to be. So good on yer, keep playing it YOUR way, and I really really hope it's successful. There could be three happy people coming out of this whereas if you had given in at the start there would be three miserable ones. (That's you, DH and OW; I'm sure DS would be happy regardless of whether you lived with his daddy.)

As for Bluebubble: however that post was meant, it was in actuality very unhelpful. Also nonsense. Lots of people come into one's house as visitors and lots of people have contact with one's offspring, some of whom he will like but none of whom will or can ever replace his mother. It's not an invasion. The bed though, that's personal, shared space with one's DP that no-one else should be in, and to burn that is a symbol that stands for everything in the past that needs to be burned. Everyone else "gets" that. Think about it.

ernest you're accepted.

cnc & melmix, get on over and join us!

as for how i'm coping, well i'm not too sure myself really!

some days are okay, some aren't.

it's breaking my heart for my dd tho, she's started saying daddy a great deal and looking at a photo of him.

am tempted to take the photo down but.......

Am I invisisble

BoM - sooo sorry!

but actually, if you don't apply to join the group then you will be invisible!

ohsmellyjelly, you're approved.

c'mon BoM, get on over and join the fun.

How do i do that then?????

Have no idea what you're on about, was just of being left out.
Have msn tho.

i have a smelly nappy to deal with so gotta run!

there's a link a bit further down to the MSN group - click on that and just apply to join ;-)

hi all back on after being away for w end. MLS i feel that things can only improve from here. She has no more hold over him as all the details are out so he really has nothing to return to her for. When everything is out in the open that's when you can deal wwith it and choos the way you feel best to go forward. I am hoping and praying that everything works out for you i reall yam. PC so sorry about your situation it just seems so alien to believe that anyone could just choose to dissapear especially when he has a lovely child. I hope he contacts you soon. Will just head over to msn now if you will be so kind to let me in

hope i'm in pc had to add 2 to my name as there must be another with my name