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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

looks like it's over

961 replies

mylittlestar · 18/04/2007 11:48

well after everything you will have seen so far, and my happiness at dh and i giving our marriage another go, sadly it doesn't look like that is possible anymore.

i've been feeling down the last couple of days and couldn't put my finger on it. thought it was probably a bit of paranoia. the pregnancy scare etc. but looking back dh had also become distant and withdrawn and i think i was picking up on that.

i checked his phone this morning. there was a message in his saved items to the ow. basically said of course i'll get up early to come and take you to work. i'll leave a bit early so we can have a little kiss before we set off...

confronted him. he swore he hadn't been back in touch. then has admitted that after his paranoia that i may have met someone on my work night out last week, he got back in touch with her.
don't really know much more than that and there's no point in asking as i'm not sure i could believe what he tells me anyway.

i had four main reasons for giving things another try. my love for him. the fact that anyone can make a mistake once. the fact that he swore he hated living a double life and would never want to live that way again. and finally, the fact that he said after seeing what he'd put me through, he'd never put me through that again.

just 4 weeks later he has.

to be honest i really don't want to turn this thread into a session to slag dh off. i don't understand his reasons and never will. but i do love him.

i think perhaps it's time to let my head rule my heart and make myself wake up to the fact that he doesn't love me in the same way i love him.

one day he'll realise what he's lost and what he's put me through. and i truly believe that nothing i say or do from this point on will have any impact. it's up to him now.

i've come into work to try and take my mind off it all and calm down. so i'm ok. i'm glad i have MN to get all of this out as this time i do not want one single person in RL to know. i don't want people getting at dh. i don't want people telling me 'i told you so'. i don't really want sympathy.
i'm sick of my life being one big drama after the next. i want to focus on me and ds and i want a happy quiet life filled with love and laughter. if the only way to get that is being alone with ds, then so be it. i'm truly blessed to have him.

so perhaps this thread should be about how i can now move forward without the love of my life and my soul mate....

OP posts:
Original poster
mylittlestar · 06/05/2007 18:35

should have said '6-12 months ago'

OP posts:
munz · 06/05/2007 18:37

least that's postitive steps

will you attend individual therapy as well? unfortunatly thou hindsight is fab, I think all we can do it learn and move forward. I really hope you two are able to work things out and make a go of it thou

Original poster
mylittlestar · 06/05/2007 18:40

yes am waiting for my counselling appointment via NHS in next 4 weeks (according to doc) but am also thinking that I may get a private individual counsellor if the appointment doesn't come soon, as I think NHS waiting lists can be much longer than they lead us to believe!!

only way is forward now

OP posts:
BandofMothers · 06/05/2007 18:40

MLS, I also admire you.
Even if things do go tits up with DH you will proudly be able to say to everyone, esp ds that you tried everything to make it work. You can hold your head up and look people in the eye and say you are no quitter. You really did try with every scrap of your being to make it work.
And if things work out you can proudly say it's because you are the kind of woman you have described and wouldn't give up.

Good for you.
After all you've been thru, I am amazed at your strength.
Perhaps making a big bonfire of the bed that she slept in and buying a new one will also make you feel better.
I think that was the cruelest thing he has done to you. And cruel to ds too. Make him suffer, then move on.
(((((HUGS)))))

BandofMothers · 06/05/2007 18:41

Move on with the relationship btw, not move on without him.
Or whatever you decide to do

Original poster
mylittlestar · 06/05/2007 18:43

BoM thank you. I totally agree. And whatever happens i can look my little boy in the eye and tell him that I really did everything I could to make the right decision and give our family a chance.

The bed is gone already!

And I have picked out a lovely big kingsize bed that I've had my eye on for a while... which dh will be buying for me this week!

OP posts:
Paddlechick666 · 06/05/2007 18:46

MLS, at least you know everything now. Now that you have all the information you can process it and make your choices accordingly.

Good luck doing that and I'm here for you at any time you want to talk.

I'll email you.....

ps: the MSN group is awaiting applications!

BandofMothers · 06/05/2007 18:50

Good for you re bed. and making him buy it too, so he should
One of my best friends ExH cheated on her while she was pg with ds, and on the night he was born and for mths after. She took a knife to the bed and mattress and really got out some of her anger
I think she trashed his clothes too.

At least now you know and can move on. Don't torture yourself over ds's fit. You would have been there if you could. I assume he didn't tell you cos she was there.
You know you would die for him, it is not your fault you were not there. Use the anger, embrace it, get a punching bag or use it to run, and get skinny in the process. Then let it go. Not to be confused with forgiving or forgetting. But anger will eat you up. So will guilt.
YOU did nothing wrong. Be happy in that knowledge, and a bit smug if you feel you want to

Ifonlyhewould · 06/05/2007 18:51

What a silly lady you are!!

To even think that we would think you are stupid, weak, daft in the head blah, blah, blah!! Look at me! it would be a bit like the pot calling the kettle black wouldn't it

You are a wonderful, generous, loving, compassionate, forgiving woman. You are fighting tooth and nail to make your marriage work. You are prepared to stand by DH after everything that has happened. You work bloody hard to support your family and on top of all that you are a brilliant mum to your little boy. Now you tell me where, in any of that, anyone could find reason to call you. You are following your heart and you are showing great courage by doing so. Yes, a lot of women may have just walked away, unable to take the pain anymore but, in my opinion, a lot of the time those women are just swapping one pain for another. The pain of losing a man they loveand will always love. (i'm not saying this is always the case by the way)

This is your choice MLS and it is not for anyone else to judge you or tell you what to do. You have only given us a slight insight into your life so you know better than any of us if this marriage is worth fighting for and, to you it so obviously is. Good for you!!!

You are amazing! Don't ever forget that!

NOW!! Can we get back to having a laugh please!!! XX

Original poster
mylittlestar · 06/05/2007 18:53

I knew about the fit but it took me 2 hours to get to them in rush hour traffic so she had left by the time I got there and dh convinced me he was just out alone with ds when it happened

Paddlechick I've never used MSN but just tried to apply - let me know if it worked...!!

OP posts:
PetronellaPinkPants · 06/05/2007 18:54

MLS how horrific for you to have to hear all that but it must have been such a relief to know that you know everything now and she can't blackmail him or hurt you any more

It sounds to me like you are finally both on the same side. Great about the counselling, really great that he wants to go on his own as well.

Keep on going, you're doing a fantastic job!

Original poster
mylittlestar · 06/05/2007 18:58

Thanks iohw

BOM I love your idea of embracing the anger
I'm already down to 8 stone and hate running so I'll avoid that route... but perhaps embracing the bag of chocolate and easter eggs in the kitchen will be a good way to start to release the anger!!!

OP posts:
Ifonlyhewould · 06/05/2007 18:59

Do you think you should start a new thread now -"New bed, new beginnings" perhaps?

PS My DP is outside at the moment, in the pouring rain and wind, putting up a gate I wanted down the side of the house. I am sooooooo doing something right.

Original poster
mylittlestar · 06/05/2007 19:00

PPP thanks

He's willing to do anything it takes. we both know we need the counselling whatever the outcome of our relationship. We need to learn everything we can from this.

And I can see the relief in his eyes - knowing he doesn't have to lie anymore and that there's not one more thing she could say to hurt me. It's a relief all round.

OP posts:
BandofMothers · 06/05/2007 19:01

Ooh, MLS, I like your way better.
I have no chocolate in the house because it's the only way to stop myself from eating it.
at 8 stone. Mind you I would be skeletal at 8 as am 5'11. 10 would be nice tho. Like when I was 19 with no flab.

Anger is a useful weapon but you can only use it once, then you have to throw it away or it festers.

Original poster
mylittlestar · 06/05/2007 19:02

IOHW I'm too scared to start anymore threads - people on MN will start to say 'that bloody MLS and all her bloody relationship threads'...

You are sooooo doing something right - I'm learning from it! Good for you!

OP posts:
Original poster
mylittlestar · 06/05/2007 19:07

BoM I'm only 5'4" so it's an ok weight - and I love that I can find the positive in this whole nightmare as I wore some jeans yesterday that I haven't worn in ages and they fitted so well! That made me

And when I met the ow I had new jeans and shoes on and a gorgeous top, all my hair and make up done - and it felt good!! I knew I looked good and I was so confident.

(Listen to me going on... oooh how gorgeous am I?!?! I'm an ugly hairy trucker really, you'll all get a shock when you see me! )

Agree about the anger - useful to get it out. But not good to let it fester.

That's why I never hate either. It's a wasted emotion.

OP posts:
Ifonlyhewould · 06/05/2007 19:08

Yes but, if we get back to the s e x stage he is going to get a shock isn't he! Semi grown back lady garden and a bra that takes half my boobies with it when I take it off!!

As for the thread, "Maybe it isn't over after all" is better than "Looks like it's over". And who cares what anyone else thinks. Wer'e not bothered what anyone thinks anymore are we?

I was thinking last night too. On these threads are everythig anyone could possibly need to write a novel, a self help guide, a sitcom, a soap or a film. All the material has been provided by us!!

Original poster
mylittlestar · 06/05/2007 19:15

Yes I forgot about the lady garden!!

Well if you get back to that stage then he'll be so lucky and so happy that he won't even notice I'm sure!!

Yes we could write a novel! I think I should write a book - I'd make a fortune!

OP posts:
Ifonlyhewould · 06/05/2007 19:19

I will sell 'mince'

Its a good job we didn't get your DH to the freezer!!

It's nice to have you back MLS. I hope DH doesn't ever let you down ever again! xx

Paddlechick666 · 06/05/2007 19:29

IOHW, I need a master class if it's had this effect for MLS and her dh!

If I'm understanding right then I need to withdraw? Okay, I am/can do that but it seems dhh hasn't actually noticed.

Now What?

Original poster
mylittlestar · 06/05/2007 19:29

Nice to be back!

Getting all that written down and facing it all makes me feel like a big weight has been lifted. Finally.

OP posts:
Original poster
mylittlestar · 06/05/2007 19:34

Paddlechick are you still sticking with not contacting him at all until he gets in touch first?

Have you had no calls or texts for a couple of weeks now?

What's his mum said?

OP posts:
Ifonlyhewould · 06/05/2007 19:35

Paddlechick, you have to withdraw but not care whether they notice or not. Its all about you. Its been really good for me.

I really don't know what I would do in your circumstances. You have been forced into withdrawl and are living in Limbo. Have you given any thought to your next move? Do you know if he has been in touch with his mum? Do we know if he is safe and ok?

Paddlechick666 · 06/05/2007 19:39

i haven't heard from him since 2 weeks ago last thursday.

i spoke to his mother a week ago last weds and she said he'd told her he'd rung me - untrue.

his car vanished sometime between 4pm tues and 5pm weds last week.

don't know if it's been stolen, impounded or if he came here and took it.

i feel sick at the thought of contacting him but i am worried about him and stupidly i still miss him.

don't want to contact his mother either as i don't really think i should keep dragging her into it.