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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

looks like it's over

961 replies

mylittlestar · 18/04/2007 11:48

well after everything you will have seen so far, and my happiness at dh and i giving our marriage another go, sadly it doesn't look like that is possible anymore.

i've been feeling down the last couple of days and couldn't put my finger on it. thought it was probably a bit of paranoia. the pregnancy scare etc. but looking back dh had also become distant and withdrawn and i think i was picking up on that.

i checked his phone this morning. there was a message in his saved items to the ow. basically said of course i'll get up early to come and take you to work. i'll leave a bit early so we can have a little kiss before we set off...

confronted him. he swore he hadn't been back in touch. then has admitted that after his paranoia that i may have met someone on my work night out last week, he got back in touch with her.
don't really know much more than that and there's no point in asking as i'm not sure i could believe what he tells me anyway.

i had four main reasons for giving things another try. my love for him. the fact that anyone can make a mistake once. the fact that he swore he hated living a double life and would never want to live that way again. and finally, the fact that he said after seeing what he'd put me through, he'd never put me through that again.

just 4 weeks later he has.

to be honest i really don't want to turn this thread into a session to slag dh off. i don't understand his reasons and never will. but i do love him.

i think perhaps it's time to let my head rule my heart and make myself wake up to the fact that he doesn't love me in the same way i love him.

one day he'll realise what he's lost and what he's put me through. and i truly believe that nothing i say or do from this point on will have any impact. it's up to him now.

i've come into work to try and take my mind off it all and calm down. so i'm ok. i'm glad i have MN to get all of this out as this time i do not want one single person in RL to know. i don't want people getting at dh. i don't want people telling me 'i told you so'. i don't really want sympathy.
i'm sick of my life being one big drama after the next. i want to focus on me and ds and i want a happy quiet life filled with love and laughter. if the only way to get that is being alone with ds, then so be it. i'm truly blessed to have him.

so perhaps this thread should be about how i can now move forward without the love of my life and my soul mate....

OP posts:
Cashncarry · 03/05/2007 12:33

Good lord - is that the value that you place on me - a fiver - how dare you!

best fiver I ever spent - love you too MWAH xx

LilyLoo · 03/05/2007 12:38

MLS how awful for you sadly another thing to deal with in the aftermath. You have had some great advice but i would reiterate getting him to ring her whilst you there to tell her it's over and both of you changing your number, i'm sorry but it's the only way. Glad you getting angry he deserves it. The lies obviously haven't stopped so i think you need to ask him outright to make a choice.

Paddlechick666 · 03/05/2007 12:43

blerch! would you two get a room!

Cashncarry · 03/05/2007 12:47

Aaaaw Paddlechick, did you feel left out? Here's a big smoochy wet kiss for you MWAH xxx

[vomit emoticon]

LilyLoo · 03/05/2007 12:49

rofl girls why you not sat outside in the sunshine wish i was ?
(very bored at work emotion)

Ifonlyhewould · 03/05/2007 12:51

There's a bit of a breeze Lily Anyway, its only May, plenty of time to sit out in the sun.
I'm just building myself up to go do the ironing!

Cashncarry · 03/05/2007 12:57

I'm at work too and the weather's a pile of shyte here anyway

Ironing - I think that would be worse than being stuck at work

Paddlechick666 · 03/05/2007 13:45

ack ack ack ack! wipes face with sleeve!

i'm at work too and it's blimmin freezin here!

Dior · 03/05/2007 14:33

Message withdrawn

Paddlechick666 · 03/05/2007 14:46

okay, i think i may be about to make a very career limiting move.

if my boss calls me back soon i may well blow my stack, tell him how it really is and.........

oops phone ringing!

Ifonlyhewould · 03/05/2007 14:47

Hang in there Paddlechick!! Don't go doing anything rash!! Keep caaaalm!

Paddlechick666 · 03/05/2007 15:20

too late.

i think i may have just done something very very very career limiting.

but even bigger i don't care!!

Cashncarry · 03/05/2007 15:38

ooh Paddlechick, do spill...

[nosy cow emoticon]

Paddlechick666 · 03/05/2007 15:43

oh it's nothing that exciting. just had a run in with a PM and subsequently told my boss I'm not interested, I don't give a flying fuck and the project can stuff it.

now, either my boss's battery ran out or he hung up on me.

Cashncarry · 03/05/2007 15:45

What's a PM? Is that like Tony Blair??

Paddlechick666 · 03/05/2007 15:48

lol, by the way of him you'd think so! program manager........

Cashncarry · 03/05/2007 15:55

OH you work in IT

Doesn't sound momentous to me - I often rant like that at work! Is your boss not likely to support you if he's your line manager or is he a bit stuck up his own a*se?!

ohsmellyjelly · 03/05/2007 15:59

Message withdrawn

Paddlechick666 · 03/05/2007 16:13

cnc, does the term snake in the grass mean anything?

Original poster
mylittlestar · 03/05/2007 17:40

Thanks everyone - nice to see you've all been keeping things going in my absence!

I had a lovely play with ds in the garden then we had lunch, then FIL rang to see if he could take ds to the beach ... so off they went!
I used the opportunity to go and meet dh for a chat - it's difficult to get that space or time when ds is running round.

We had a good talk. I made it perfectly clear how I feel (for the first time I think!) and said I'm fed up of apologising and putting his feelings first, and he should be bloody grateful I've given him all the chances I have.

He agreed with everything really. Said he's worried about me and that I'm coping 'too' well in a way.

I said if he has the compassion and ability to care about her feelings, then he damn well has the ability to think of mine. And mine are all that matter right now.

I said I understand him feeling sorry for her (I feel sorry for her too - yes go on, slap me!). But the contact has to stop now. Otherwise I will not carry on with the marriage. I just can't. Even if his texts are completely innocent just supporting her, the lies and deceit have to stop.

Anyway - you'll think I'm mad... But. I said I wanted to see proof it was over i.e. a text or phone call while I'm there.
We talked it over and over, but in the end agreed she just won't give up that easily. He's tried all that before. So he's now gone to see her.

He wants to tell her face to face that it's over and make it 100% clear that he never wants to hear from her again. He wants to do it face to face.

So I'm at home waiting for him to come back. And I think I'm going to be sick.

OP posts:
PetronellaPinkPants · 03/05/2007 17:49

Shit
Do you think you should have gone too?

PetronellaPinkPants · 03/05/2007 17:49

I mean shit as in OMG!

PetronellaPinkPants · 03/05/2007 17:51

god and well done!
You so needed to say that to him
Does it feel good to have said it finally?

He sounds like he is looking for direction from you tbh. You need to turn into a right bossy boots for a bit

Original poster
mylittlestar · 03/05/2007 17:52

I don't know!!

I guess I have put all of my faith and trust in him to deal with it as he thinks fit and end it once and for all.

He got himself into this and now has to be man enough to end it in a grown up and mature way.

And I trust him to do that.

did I just say that?!

OP posts:
Original poster
mylittlestar · 03/05/2007 17:53

He was looking for direction from me. He always does.

And for the first time I just turned it back on him and said how are you going to deal with this now....

So over to him...

OP posts:
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