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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

looks like it's over

961 replies

mylittlestar · 18/04/2007 11:48

well after everything you will have seen so far, and my happiness at dh and i giving our marriage another go, sadly it doesn't look like that is possible anymore.

i've been feeling down the last couple of days and couldn't put my finger on it. thought it was probably a bit of paranoia. the pregnancy scare etc. but looking back dh had also become distant and withdrawn and i think i was picking up on that.

i checked his phone this morning. there was a message in his saved items to the ow. basically said of course i'll get up early to come and take you to work. i'll leave a bit early so we can have a little kiss before we set off...

confronted him. he swore he hadn't been back in touch. then has admitted that after his paranoia that i may have met someone on my work night out last week, he got back in touch with her.
don't really know much more than that and there's no point in asking as i'm not sure i could believe what he tells me anyway.

i had four main reasons for giving things another try. my love for him. the fact that anyone can make a mistake once. the fact that he swore he hated living a double life and would never want to live that way again. and finally, the fact that he said after seeing what he'd put me through, he'd never put me through that again.

just 4 weeks later he has.

to be honest i really don't want to turn this thread into a session to slag dh off. i don't understand his reasons and never will. but i do love him.

i think perhaps it's time to let my head rule my heart and make myself wake up to the fact that he doesn't love me in the same way i love him.

one day he'll realise what he's lost and what he's put me through. and i truly believe that nothing i say or do from this point on will have any impact. it's up to him now.

i've come into work to try and take my mind off it all and calm down. so i'm ok. i'm glad i have MN to get all of this out as this time i do not want one single person in RL to know. i don't want people getting at dh. i don't want people telling me 'i told you so'. i don't really want sympathy.
i'm sick of my life being one big drama after the next. i want to focus on me and ds and i want a happy quiet life filled with love and laughter. if the only way to get that is being alone with ds, then so be it. i'm truly blessed to have him.

so perhaps this thread should be about how i can now move forward without the love of my life and my soul mate....

OP posts:
Original poster
mylittlestar · 03/05/2007 17:54

oh yes and it does feel good!

I needed to say those things and I needed to make it clear that he's bloody lucky to have me! So I did!

OP posts:
PetronellaPinkPants · 03/05/2007 17:55

Yay!
You sound so strong!

I agree turn it back on him. He has to start taking responsibility for his actions

Original poster
mylittlestar · 03/05/2007 17:58

I feel strong too. For the first time I feel a bit in control.

(Aside from the fact that my husband is in the other woman's house as we speak!!!!!)

But I need to get my respect back for him - and he needs to prove himself so that I can respect him again.

And if I continue to be a doormat, he'll end up losing respect for me. So those days are over!

He can fight for me and prove himself... or be destined to a life with that nutter!! I know which one he'll prefer!

OP posts:
spotofbother · 03/05/2007 17:59

mylittle star- what on earth are you playing at just now, im sorry but i have to get this of my chest-this guy is taking you for a bloody fool, if i could get hold of you just now i would have to shake oyu.

you have already started of one thread saying shit why did i not listen and i can see another one coming up soon, why should your dh give up contact with this woman because everytime he does contact her you have a little hissy fit but then forgive him right away.

this might sound terrible but im so glad you have a ds and not a dd because i would hate to think of any little girl growing up thinking this kind of behavior was acceptable.

i really like you mls and have tried to be supportive until this point but i must be feeling brave because of my namechange.

get ri of this loser and try and find some happiness for you and your ds. this guy is playing you for a total fool and as much as it pains me to say it you are acting like that fool.

PetronellaPinkPants · 03/05/2007 18:00

But spot she is not putting up with it
she is laying down the law!

Original poster
mylittlestar · 03/05/2007 18:04

spotofbother thank you for your kind words

OP posts:
Original poster
mylittlestar · 03/05/2007 18:10

Would also like to add SoB that I agree with everything you just said.

But I resent the suggestion that I am setting a bad example to my child and am unfit to be the mother of a little girl. How dare you.

OP posts:
Original poster
mylittlestar · 03/05/2007 18:20

I won't keep on about this as I am literally in tears here and I've had enough.

Spotofbother you're absolutely right. he's played me for a fool. He's let me down more times than I can mention. And I guess from anyone elses point of view I'm stupid for not getting rid of him and I deserve everything I get. I agree.

I was here for support. I'm here trying to keep busy while he breaks it off with her. I found the strength today to finally stand up for myself.

But how dare you say I am setting a bad example. I have fought for my MARRIAGE. I have fought for love. For my family. For the father that ds adores.

Yes he's let me down. Yes he's been a complete shit to me. Yes he's ill. And yes I could go on making excuses for him forever.

I'll have to live with the consequences of my actions and my decisions. So will he.

But I will not have my parenting questionned. I will teach my children loyalty. Love. Respect. Dignity. And how to treat others.

I just didn't need that tonight.

OP posts:
lovemybed · 03/05/2007 18:22

mylittlestar i posted ages ago but am trying to catch up, you must be feeling pretty anxious just now but it will be worth it in the long run if she leaves you both alone.

my computer always takes ages to load when a thread is this long (aaarrrgggghhhh) so sorry if i x post or dissapear for a while.

suejonez · 03/05/2007 18:28

haven't posted before but would like to say that I put up with more than my firends could understand from someone once and I know they found it incomprehensible but one very wise friend just said "you're not ready to give up on it yet and you will keep trying until you are. And when you're ready to move on you'll just know"

She was right and I now never get wound up by people doing the same as I did whatever the outcome (good or bad) in the end because I understand what a huge decision it is to give up on someone you love - however badly they behave.

Original poster
mylittlestar · 03/05/2007 18:28

lovemybed thank you for your support

OP posts:
Original poster
mylittlestar · 03/05/2007 18:29

suejonez thank you xx

OP posts:
October · 03/05/2007 19:24

Message withdrawn

ohsmellyjelly · 03/05/2007 19:48

Message withdrawn

ohsmellyjelly · 03/05/2007 19:56

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Ifonlyhewould · 03/05/2007 20:02

I'm thinking of you MLS and I do hope that DH is back and he has managed to get the message across.

My heart is absolutely breaking for you. Your love for this man is out of this world, so much so that you will try anything to keep him and your family together.
None of this is easy for you. You are not stupid. You are not a fool. You are a woman who is now at a stage where she does not know which way is best to turn but is still trying to do her absolute best to sort out this horrible situation.

Whatever you decide to do, whichever way you feel is best to handle this, we are with you all the way, supporting you and wishing the best for you. Of course, we might not always agree with you but at the end of the day it is not our place to judge you or condemn you for any of the actions you are taking. We all deal with our own situations the best way we know how, none of us are any exception and a lot of us live in less than ideal situations. We have to live with our situations and cope with them the best way we know how. Not strictly because we have to but, because we want to. And, MLS, if knowing all that you know about your DH, you still want to stand by him, continue to love him and continue to fight for your marriage, you have my 100% support!!
And, i'm sure i am not the only one of your MN friends who feel the same way

Keep smiling, above all keep posting!! We need to know you are ok XX

LilyLoo · 03/05/2007 20:06

mls well done that took a lot of courage of which you have shown nothing but throughout this whole sorry affair. Sob i can understand how an outsider to a situation could say some of those things however when you come on a thread asking for help on how to try and keep this marriage together for the sake of her ds i cannot see how that thread can be helpful. Of course he is being a fool but there are many of us on this thread who have got through situations like this and if both parties want to make a go of things then it can be worked out. I feel that your statement saying she shows this behaviour to be acceptable completely unfair and very insensitive. She is putting up with a lot of this to keep things together but has at no point said this behaviour is acceptable.
Fwiw MLS i am verrrrrry proud of you tonight could be a turning point in your relationship and if there are any fools in this it most definately isn't you.xxxxx

LilyLoo · 03/05/2007 20:06

mls well done that took a lot of courage of which you have shown nothing but throughout this whole sorry affair. Sob i can understand how an outsider to a situation could say some of those things however when you come on a thread asking for help on how to try and keep this marriage together for the sake of her ds i cannot see how that thread can be helpful. Of course he is being a fool but there are many of us on this thread who have got through situations like this and if both parties want to make a go of things then it can be worked out. I feel that your statement saying she shows this behaviour to be acceptable completely unfair and very insensitive. She is putting up with a lot of this to keep things together but has at no point said this behaviour is acceptable.
Fwiw MLS i am verrrrrry proud of you tonight could be a turning point in your relationship and if there are any fools in this it most definately isn't you.xxxxx

LilyLoo · 03/05/2007 20:08

(sorry bit click happy tonight)
Let us know how you get on MLS thinking of you

ohsmellyjelly · 03/05/2007 20:10

Message withdrawn

Ifonlyhewould · 03/05/2007 20:12

Hi lily

Im proud of her too. I actually feel sick for her! It must have taken a hell of a lot of guts to sit at home while DH went to see fluff.
Maggie Thatcher had nothing on our MLS!!
Our very own Iron Lady!!

LilyLoo · 03/05/2007 20:14

that 'woman role models' thread didn't have to look to far i tell you !

Ifonlyhewould · 03/05/2007 20:16

I always thought I was strong until i 'met' MLS

lovemybed · 03/05/2007 20:18

ifonlyhewould you always manage to write such lovely things, i wish i had your knack of putting things into words, but i dont so can i just say mylittlestar that i am stealing everything that iohw has said

LilyLoo · 03/05/2007 20:19

i know iohw
Guess he back what do you think ? Just feel reallt upset that she left the thread in tears rather than the fighting way she started it.

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