looks like it's over

[mylittlestar]

well after everything you will have seen so far, and my happiness at dh and i giving our marriage another go, sadly it doesn't look like that is possible anymore.

i've been feeling down the last couple of days and couldn't put my finger on it. thought it was probably a bit of paranoia. the pregnancy scare etc. but looking back dh had also become distant and withdrawn and i think i was picking up on that.

i checked his phone this morning. there was a message in his saved items to the ow. basically said of course i'll get up early to come and take you to work. i'll leave a bit early so we can have a little kiss before we set off...

confronted him. he swore he hadn't been back in touch. then has admitted that after his paranoia that i may have met someone on my work night out last week, he got back in touch with her.
don't really know much more than that and there's no point in asking as i'm not sure i could believe what he tells me anyway.

i had four main reasons for giving things another try. my love for him. the fact that anyone can make a mistake once. the fact that he swore he hated living a double life and would never want to live that way again. and finally, the fact that he said after seeing what he'd put me through, he'd never put me through that again.

just 4 weeks later he has.

to be honest i really don't want to turn this thread into a session to slag dh off. i don't understand his reasons and never will. but i do love him.

i think perhaps it's time to let my head rule my heart and make myself wake up to the fact that he doesn't love me in the same way i love him.

one day he'll realise what he's lost and what he's put me through. and i truly believe that nothing i say or do from this point on will have any impact. it's up to him now.

i've come into work to try and take my mind off it all and calm down. so i'm ok. i'm glad i have MN to get all of this out as this time i do not want one single person in RL to know. i don't want people getting at dh. i don't want people telling me 'i told you so'. i don't really want sympathy.
i'm sick of my life being one big drama after the next. i want to focus on me and ds and i want a happy quiet life filled with love and laughter. if the only way to get that is being alone with ds, then so be it. i'm truly blessed to have him.

so perhaps this thread should be about how i can now move forward without the love of my life and my soul mate....

Message withdrawn

And ive got a freezer and a mincer on order

(you will have to read my thread to understand that! )

On a more serious note, im really sorry your DH is putting you through all this heartache. It must be absolutely terrible for you, you must feel stuck, unable to move forwards. I hope he gets in touch soon xx

i've just noticed his cars gone. it's been here about 5 weeks untaxed etc. didn't notice this morning but it was deffo there yesterday.

which means he probably sneaked over here last night to get it.

he was talking about selling it and i know his dad had a go at him about it because his mother's been ferrying him about like he's a teenager.

that or it's been stolen!

am really that he was here and didn't have the balls to knock on the door ffs!

That is quite disgraceful!! Even if he is depressed Paddlechick there's no excuse for disrespecting you and downright bad manners! I hope the car has been stolen, thats a more accpetable reason for it's disappearance than DH sneaking over in the night to take it!

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Paddlechick for you. I will catch up with you today.

As for last night. Well even if I tell you, you won't believe it.

I shall give you the short version...

When dh was seeing the other woman (lets call her Julie for now) he used to meet up with her and her mates in local pubs. He was seen by them as her 'boyfriend'.
(Obviously I was stuck in looking after ds so had little chance of seeing them.)

Anyway, my sister's 18th last night was in a local bar. Dh and I were at the bar getting a drink. The bar man recognised dh (from meeting him when he was with her!) and said, "hi, how are you, how's Julie"!!!!!!!!!

WTF!!!

Me, his wife, is left standing next to him feeling like some spare part slapper who is out with Julie's boyfriend!!! I don't have the words or the strength to say anymore.

To make it worse, if it can be any worse, she knew dh and I were out at a party together and decided to start the text messages to me again. Telling me how she loves him. How she's now had an abortion. How she's been in contact with him but he doesn't want to know (little consolation now ). I feel sick he's still lying, even though I know it's to protect me now and try to get rid of her. I feel sick if she has had an abortion. I feel humiliated.

Message withdrawn

He knew the barman from a different place, he had no idea he'd be working there. My sister booked the party totally independent.

Just a nightmare co-incidence.

MLS - poor you having to deal with this on a much looked forward to night out

I can understand that you might feel humiliated but really, if you look at it rationally, it's not you who should be embarrassed, is it? First of all, the barman must have felt like a right twunt for getting it wrong, secondly your DH would (hopefully) have been absolutely mortified at his error. I know it must have been awful for you but you need to get angry rather than sad. You have NOTHING to be embarrassed about - you've acted with good grace and dignity throughout this whole thing. I imagine the barman thought your DH must have had temporary insanity to be going out with "Julie" with a gorgeous lady like you waiting at home for him. Let him take the full shame of his behaviour - don't let him off!

Regarding the abortion, we will never really know if she's telling the truth or not. However, let's look at the facts:

DH starts seeing her on the quiet - you never hear/speak to her even though she knows you exist;

DH stops seeing her - she texts you non-stop with abusive messages saying she's pregnant;

DH starts seeing her again - she stops texting, pregnancy problem disappears.

DH stops seeing her - she texts you again to say she's having an abortion.

I'm no Taggart but it seems fairly clear to me that she's living in a fantasy world. She's 19 years old, clearly not very mature. She's framed this whole sordid experience into fodder for some cheap romance novel and seems to have no concept that you're a real person with real feelings.

Your last text to her (if I remember correctly) was a plea to leave you alone. She's clearly realised that you're not a confrontational person and similarly that you've got a very caring side. I'm sorry to say MLS that not everyone is as open and forgiving as you and she's taking advantage of your good nature by trying to force you to respond. There are many people who have this need to live their lives in the context of drama and excitement, even if it causes others abject pain and misery. I really think that you need to do something drastic - have her number blocked from your phone, report her to the police for harassment (she will only be cautioned) in order to get her to leave you alone. Engaging with her on any level (even if you want to help her) will add fuel to her fire and cause you further heartache in the long run. She has friends and a family - let them worry about her. You worry about YOU

Hope you didn't mind the lecture You know I think you're one of the bravest women in the world but I think sometimes you can be too brave - you need to learn to scream like a banshee and kick up a fuss with the rest of us

cnc you're so right - seeing it written down like that makes it so much more clear. The only time she gets in touch with me is when she's not getting her own way with dh. It's like when she can't get to him, she gets at me. It's pathetic. But so upsetting.

I spoke to dh last night and said perhaps he should change his number too. If he really wants her out of his life he should make sure she can no longer contact him.

Strange as this may seem though, I'm glad she has my number and has been able to contact me through this. There's a hell of a lot I wouldn't have known about if it hadn't come directly from her. She's even spoken to dh only this week. I asked him outright on Tuesday if he'd heard from her and he said no, nothing. I only know the latest 'truth' because of last nights messages.

I know what you mean. Things could be so different for me if DH's OW had known that he was married and got hold of my contact details. In one sense, yes I could have put up with a barrage of abuse in the way you have which would be terribly upsetting. In another, at least I would have been able to "check his story" and figure out for myself what he'd been up to.

In the long run, I think it's better that I don't know. I did consider ringing her or even hiring a private detective but at the end of the day, if I feel like I need to constantly check on his version of events then I'll never be free of the pain - which I hope I will one day

It's such a difficult situation all round. She's bonkers isn't she so you can't really trust what she's saying! However, it seems for the moment that you can't trust DH either.

What's his take on the whole matter? Have you spoken to him about the possible abortion? I think I would demand an explanation of the contact he's having with her. When he's spoken to her, what's been said etc. I know you think it's difficult for you to challenge him on these things given his current state. I don't know why but I always imagine that he uses his depression as a reason not to be held accountable for his behaviour with this woman. Am I right or am I being too harsh?

I clearly said to him last night that I feel he uses his depression as an excuse and I won't take it anymore.

We talked this morning too and I asked a bit more detail about the contact and basically said when are the lies going to end? I can't possibly move forward with the constant lies. And neither can he.

The latest contact has really been from her (by the sound of it) and he's been trying to 'get rid of her' so to speak. Although I did ask him if he's clearly told her to stop contacting him and pi** off. He said he hasn't been that harsh (again feeling sorry for her) - but I think he needs to be very clear - am I right on that?

One positive though - the way I was feeling about not wanting to challenge him or ask questions. Sod that. He's abused my trust, again, and is continuing to lie. Even if it's to protect me I would have hoped the ONE thing we've now learnt is NO MORE LIES! I can't believe a thing he says right now. But I'm going to get the answers I deserve. Time to start thinking about me.

Hurrah! MLS gets angry

I know you love him to bits and want to protect him but he feels sorry for her - WTF

He should feel sorry for himself because right now he's this closing to losing you. She's totally manipulating him and you're the one suffering. I'm not saying that you should manipulate him but you should definitely not support him when he puts this woman's feelings ahead of yours.

Put this to him: every time she contacts him and he feels sorry for her, ask him to imagine your back as you walk away from him. If he still thinks it's worth it, he can continue the conversation. If not, he should hang up the phone and ring you instead.

I have that stomach-churning, sick feeling today (again) and I'm sick to death of it! Literally! I've had enough!!

I will make it clear later that he needs to tell her, in no uncertain terms, to pi** off. And i want proof of it.

Not sure what that will solve at this point. I don't know how I feel. But I do want her out of the picture for good.

Yes indeed MLS. Time to start thinking about you!!

Just a thought but, do you think DH could be reluctant to be 'harsh' with fluff because he was the one who persued her? He feels he led her on, instigated things so feels unable to just drop he from a great height.

At the very least he has proved that he is not deserving of your trust. Not yet anyway. Why should you lay your heart at his feet just for him to continue wiping them all over it. Sod him and his problems. YOU need to time heal, to gather your strength. You haven't had that yet. You have spent every spare minute trying to forgive and repair your marriage. It's time to take a step back now and leave a space for DH to step forward and make attempts to heal this realtionship himself. And if he doesn't take that step, then you have your answer.

You are an amazing woman, truly brilliant and I know i don't know you in RL but i care about you, and I worry about how much more of this you can take. You have already taken more than a lot of women would be able to handle.
All I can say is you must eat a hell of a lot of Spinach XXX

If something isn't working then change it!

Maybe it's time to do the complete opposite of what you have been doing. Don't be understanding, don't be available, don't support/carry him through everything. Leave him to stand on his own two feet for a while. Show him you have had enough and now you mean business.

I think there is a point to asking him to do that. Maybe you don't feel like he's taking you seriously enough? After all, how can you move on if he can't do something as simple as telling her that he no longer wants anything to do with her.

I'm sorry you're feeling sick. I know that feeling so well. Maybe once he's done that, you can take a break and go and visit your mate for a night. I know you were supposed to do that a couple of weeks ago but couldn't. I think it would do you the world of good to temporarily get out of this situation and be elsewhere, at leasst for one night.

I know you've been trying so hard to keep your family together MLS. You're doing a sterling job but you mustn't neglect yourself in the meantime. If you're worried that he'll get up to all sorts even if you just leave him for one night, then maybe a little distance is what you need to help you get some perspective? It sounds perverse I know and is probably entirely wrong - feel free to tell me to "push off you nosy cow"

IOHW that's exactly why he's not harsh with her. He's done the chasing. He led her to believe he was for real. And she's had a bad enough life without him adding to it. I know he feels guilty for that.

And I undertstand that.

But I now also understand that she is not my concern, and she is not his. She entered into a relationship with a married man. He's ended it. 19 years old or not, she needs to accept it.

And he needs to take responsibility for what he's doing to me now. Enough feeling sorry for her. Either he thinks about me and nobody else from this point on or I've had it!

(I don't think I can take much more myself!)

oooh - crossed posts with IOHW

What she said!

No cash, it's not perverse and its not wrong at all. I would agree thats just what MLS needs right now. Some distance from DH, just to get things in perspective if nothing else.

MLS, you are doing so well and trying so hard to move on but, this 'affair' isn't over yet. Until DH puts an end to all this business, even just the txting, how can you be expected to move on? As Princess Diana once said "There are 3 of you in this relationship"

Correct! Exactly that! But him refusing to be harsh is not giving her the message. She is 19, immature and desperate for love and affection anywhere she can get it. He would only have to smile at her for her to think he loves her! he needs to be harsh to get rid of her. He needs to find a way to get his message across, without destroying her but firmly putting her in her place. Its taken him a long time to deecide to change his number. I would suggest he gets on with that as soon as possible!!

I am so sorry if im coming across as harsh and OTT but it is in your defense i promise you

not harsh at all

and cnc i totally agree about the space thing. i'm not worried for a second he'll get up to anything. not at all.

i'm so torn as i don't even really want to see him at the moment. i want to ask him to leave me alone and give me some space.

but i want answers too. and proof that he's told her in no uncertain terms that she has to leave us alone. god why can't he think of this for himself?!

I'm sorry MLS. You don't need this do you you don't need us ranting at you telling you what to do. You know only too well how to handle all this, you don't need our advice.

But we love you and when your'e mad then wer'e mad and, when your'e sad then wer'e sad! XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Horrible question coming up so prepare yourslf..............

Do you think he actually wants her to leave him alone? Do you think he could be getting some kind of kick/lift from having the attentions of a 19 year old, impressionable young woman?

GOD!! I wish He was in front of me right now!!! I wouldn't half give him what for!

For gods sake, just ask him what the hell he is playing at!! tell him we want to know!!

I do need you ranting!!
I need to know that you're supporting my feelings and I'm right to feel the way I do! And the ranting helps!!

I know I need to start getting angry and I know I need to change the way I am with him. The constant love and support means absolutely nothing. It's not helping one bit is it. God I really think he's going to have to lose me completely in order to really find the strength to put this right. But by then it will be too late.