looks like it's over

[mylittlestar]

well after everything you will have seen so far, and my happiness at dh and i giving our marriage another go, sadly it doesn't look like that is possible anymore.

i've been feeling down the last couple of days and couldn't put my finger on it. thought it was probably a bit of paranoia. the pregnancy scare etc. but looking back dh had also become distant and withdrawn and i think i was picking up on that.

i checked his phone this morning. there was a message in his saved items to the ow. basically said of course i'll get up early to come and take you to work. i'll leave a bit early so we can have a little kiss before we set off...

confronted him. he swore he hadn't been back in touch. then has admitted that after his paranoia that i may have met someone on my work night out last week, he got back in touch with her.
don't really know much more than that and there's no point in asking as i'm not sure i could believe what he tells me anyway.

i had four main reasons for giving things another try. my love for him. the fact that anyone can make a mistake once. the fact that he swore he hated living a double life and would never want to live that way again. and finally, the fact that he said after seeing what he'd put me through, he'd never put me through that again.

just 4 weeks later he has.

to be honest i really don't want to turn this thread into a session to slag dh off. i don't understand his reasons and never will. but i do love him.

i think perhaps it's time to let my head rule my heart and make myself wake up to the fact that he doesn't love me in the same way i love him.

one day he'll realise what he's lost and what he's put me through. and i truly believe that nothing i say or do from this point on will have any impact. it's up to him now.

i've come into work to try and take my mind off it all and calm down. so i'm ok. i'm glad i have MN to get all of this out as this time i do not want one single person in RL to know. i don't want people getting at dh. i don't want people telling me 'i told you so'. i don't really want sympathy.
i'm sick of my life being one big drama after the next. i want to focus on me and ds and i want a happy quiet life filled with love and laughter. if the only way to get that is being alone with ds, then so be it. i'm truly blessed to have him.

so perhaps this thread should be about how i can now move forward without the love of my life and my soul mate....

I need chocolate now!! xx

I just so want you to toughen up with him, don't let your fears of him leaving turn you into some sort of doormat (for want of a better expression) don't let him walk all over you, please XX

I'm just wondering how long you will give him to decide what he wants. I'm not judging or being mean, really just wondering how long you will live in this limbo state for, before you decide enough is enough and make the decision for him.
Is he living with you at the mo???
Your ds is coming to the age that he will become aware of the dynamic between you and DH.

I think it's good that you are trying to make yourself happy without reference to your DH. If you can be happy without him, then having him there will be a bonus. Men sometimes have far too much power over how happy we are, where one word either way can make us joyful or miserable, and I hate that.

got it mls!

Have replied xx

That's very true BOM lot's of women on here who live that fine line with their other halves !

BoM I ask myself that every day - how long will I give him.
Last weekend when he let me down I said it was 'for the last time'. And I meant it at that point.

But I then said if he turned up on my birthday last Thursday, wanting to put things right and be with us, then I would give it another chance. Which he did. So we're living together again.

As for how long - I still don't know. The way I feel, if he starts to face up to things, let me talk about it, take some responsibility, then I'll give him as long as it takes. If things carry on like they are, then probably not much longer.

I think I need to be honest about my feelings so he now has the chance to do the right thing and stop just thinking about himself.

MLS keep that last line in your head and make him make a decision because if he can sure as hell feel sorry for her then he has got the ability to consider your feelings too !

Very good point lilyloo! Excellent in fact!

IOHW I meant to say, I won't, I promise. It's not even that I'm scared of separation (I think I've said before I know I could cope alone, in every respect).

It's just that I don't want to give up on an amazing relationship and the love of my life unless I absolutely have to. I just hope he starts to fight for it in the same way soon, otherwise if it stays one-sided I know it will be a losing battle.

On a more positive note, help me decide what to wear tonight... it's my sister 18th, so she's decided on a party in a local bar with all of her friends and our close family cousins, aunties, uncles etc.

Sunny day, so could go with skinny jeans, wedges, white strapless fitted top. Or black trousers, boots and a silky cream top - lot more sophisticated! Which one?!

Sometimes, you have to leave to come back. You do have a choice.

As for tonight, do you feel sexy and sassy or sophisticated? And if it happens to be sophisticated will you still be able to say it, never mind feel it after a few vodka's!! Just make sure you wear something that covers your bits when you start falling over

And send DH home tonight. No nookie. Just to make a point

MLS - I really don't have anything very helpful to add except that this thread has made me all tearful because there are so many strong women on here holding each other up [sad sap emoticon]

Maybe you should suspend your expectations of your rship and DH for a while and concentrate on both of you separately attacking your problems. That's difficult for you because your problem is with him but still do-able while you feel unable to tackle him on his reasons for his behaviour towards you. Just because you've decided to live together for the moment, doesn't mean you've made a decision about your future together. Just try to keep focussing on the here and now - I know it's hard...

BTW, am available to all of you for DH/DP arse-kicking services at any time. Form an orderly queue please ladies

GTG now. Sorry to go back to it, as you've changed the subject.
I think I've said it before but you should let him know when you're pissed off and hurt. Definately. No more walking on egg shells so that he feels better.
And good luck. Can't believe I didn't see this before today, but will try to keep up with it as you seem lovely and I want to hear that you are happy some day soon

Hey
I agree with you, you don't want to give up on the love of your life without a fight

but two things

He has got to want to fight for your relationship WITH you.

and

You have to be honest with him about how you feel about it

i would go with jeans wedges and white top very summery

(by it i mean
what he has done
how it has affected you
what you need him to do going forward

And talk about what was wrong before that led to this)

PS -re: clothes for tonight, go with the sunny day option - even if it's a bit brisk, it's more fun!

BoM thank you

cnc focussing on the here and now could be the only way to go - once I deal with my feelings and he starts beating the depression then we might have a chance of rebuilding the marriage. agree that he has to want to do that too.

as for the clothes - the sunny day option does sound preferable (although if there's a brisk wind i'd be worried about poking people's eyes out as the top is quite thin!! )
but I'll have a shower and get ready and then see how I feel at the last second... as usual!

You can always join our "you are there but you are not there" club MLS. you might like it if you try it xx

I might just do that!

Right off to sort out some tea and get ready.

See you all tomorrow.

Thanks xx

Ok. have a lovely night

see you tomorrow XX

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how've I missed all the posts on this thread today!

MLS, I know you've gone and I hope you have a great night.

Just wanted to say, I'm so there with you on the pendulum swing of emotions. How many times over the last 20 odd months have I said no more but then retracted it.

I've bent over backwards, I've defended him, excused his behaviour, made excuses for him, demanded family and friends do the same, and constantly told him and shown him how loved and needed and wanted he is. put all my hurt and anger and anxiety aside in favour of his all consuming depression.

where's it got me? a remarkable resemblence to a doormat and going into a 3rd week with no contact from him whatsoever.

it's at the point now where i know I need to speak to him about finances and dd but the thought of contacting him fills me with dread. i feel so anxious and sick about it i just can't face it.

and when i start thinking about all that's happened in those 20 months then it just seems a total stupidity to think there is any future for us. how can i forgive all the times he hasn't been here?

maybe that's why i don't want to contact him because i'm scared i'll just cave in again......

sorry, i've hijacked your thread a bit!

wish I had your social life and ability to be so fashionable too LOL!

God Paddlechick - has he really not contacted you for three months?

I can feel an arse-kicking urge coming on

Seriously, don't make yourself ill at the thought of contacting him It's easy for me to say, but he really doesn't sound like he's worth it.

If there are things you need to sort out financially, draft a very non-emotional letter and send it to him by email/post (if you have an address). That way, you can stay in control of the situation and prevent the kind of rollercoaster effect his coming and going from your life has on you and DD.

weeks cnc weeks! i think there was a period of about 3 weeks last march time too with nothing whatsoever.

it's so hard to know where the depression begins and ends which is what makes it hard to make the break. i know he's not well and this isn't normal behaviour for him but how not well is he at the end of the day.

he ties himself up in knots because his ex won't give him access to his other kids. but he refuses to contact me or see the child who is readily available to him. i can't get my head around that.

yes i could email him but i just can't gather my thoughts together sufficiently and would also be me making contact first once again.

childish i know but i really don't want it to be me first every time.

i guess i will have to soon tho.........

arse-kicking services would be gratefully received right now!

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