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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

looks like it's over

961 replies

mylittlestar · 18/04/2007 11:48

well after everything you will have seen so far, and my happiness at dh and i giving our marriage another go, sadly it doesn't look like that is possible anymore.

i've been feeling down the last couple of days and couldn't put my finger on it. thought it was probably a bit of paranoia. the pregnancy scare etc. but looking back dh had also become distant and withdrawn and i think i was picking up on that.

i checked his phone this morning. there was a message in his saved items to the ow. basically said of course i'll get up early to come and take you to work. i'll leave a bit early so we can have a little kiss before we set off...

confronted him. he swore he hadn't been back in touch. then has admitted that after his paranoia that i may have met someone on my work night out last week, he got back in touch with her.
don't really know much more than that and there's no point in asking as i'm not sure i could believe what he tells me anyway.

i had four main reasons for giving things another try. my love for him. the fact that anyone can make a mistake once. the fact that he swore he hated living a double life and would never want to live that way again. and finally, the fact that he said after seeing what he'd put me through, he'd never put me through that again.

just 4 weeks later he has.

to be honest i really don't want to turn this thread into a session to slag dh off. i don't understand his reasons and never will. but i do love him.

i think perhaps it's time to let my head rule my heart and make myself wake up to the fact that he doesn't love me in the same way i love him.

one day he'll realise what he's lost and what he's put me through. and i truly believe that nothing i say or do from this point on will have any impact. it's up to him now.

i've come into work to try and take my mind off it all and calm down. so i'm ok. i'm glad i have MN to get all of this out as this time i do not want one single person in RL to know. i don't want people getting at dh. i don't want people telling me 'i told you so'. i don't really want sympathy.
i'm sick of my life being one big drama after the next. i want to focus on me and ds and i want a happy quiet life filled with love and laughter. if the only way to get that is being alone with ds, then so be it. i'm truly blessed to have him.

so perhaps this thread should be about how i can now move forward without the love of my life and my soul mate....

OP posts:
BandofMothers · 02/05/2007 13:48

I have only read this last post so may be out of line, but can sort of gather what's been happening.
I think he is VERY unreasonable to expect you to trust him after what he did. He does realise I assume that he has shattered your trust, broken your heart and generally turned you intoa wreck cos you're wondering whether he's with her, texting her, etc,etc.

Very unreasonable, and he should be the one reassuring you.

I think perhaps you need to issue an ultimatum.

He needs to choose.

PetronellaPinkPants · 02/05/2007 13:48

mls I think actually you can't possibly trust him now. You can want to trust him but trust has to be built up over a period of time through evidence of trustworthy behaviour, it is not something you can just flip a switch and do.

OK you can make a decision not to interrogate him, but I think you are asking too much of yourself to trust him again so soon, you will go bonkers trying.

Is it possible you could get a private counsellor just for a few weeks til the NHS one becomes available? Then you would have somewhere where you could say all of this stuff, that you don't trust him, that you feel suspicious about things, without having to tell him if you think it would worsen his depression.

Is he going to go for counselling too? Sounds to me like he needs it.

PetronellaPinkPants · 02/05/2007 13:51

Also do you not think his depression might be a front for his bad behaviour?

Really, I think if you carry on like this you are allowing him to treat you like this by being so understanding and bending over backwards to accommodate him. Think of yourself. You have every right to ask him for complete transparency about his movements and actions. Tell him that you want him to tell you every time he has any contact (spell out what any is, eg text, phone, bump into in street, semaphore, carrier pigeon, so he can't say aaaah you didn't mention that). If he agrees at least your mind will be at rest that he is telling you and you won't have to ask and make him feel bad

LilyLoo · 02/05/2007 13:51

MLS i agree with IOHW i knoe how hard it is with his depression on top of everything but don't loose sight of the fact that he did this to you and it doesn't stop hurting just because he needs support too. While your supporting him he needs to know that he needs to support you too and tbh tough if he can't cope neither can you by the sounds of it !

Original poster
mylittlestar · 02/05/2007 13:52

IOHW, Petronella, I think you're right and I do need to talk this through. That's what is so hard at the moment.
I could possibly use a private cousellor for a few weeks, they're quite easy to find online and could probably see me in a week or so. I'll look into it.

BOM you're right. Completely. I think I lost sight of the reality of what he's done to me in my efforts to help him.

OP posts:
Original poster
mylittlestar · 02/05/2007 13:53

x-posts lily - you summed it up exactly

OP posts:
Ifonlyhewould · 02/05/2007 13:53

Everything you are feeling, all your suspicions, your lack of trust etc are to be expected. you are only human!

And no, I don't think you should be over it by now. You may never get over it, you will just find a way to live with it. One day it won't dominate your thoughts, it will still be there but it will be in the past, where it belongs. But, to get there, you have to go through the whole process. No shortcuts i'm afraid. You can try as hard as you like to make everything alright but you won't be able to runaway and hide from all those feelings. they are in there, inside you and they need to come out, not be buried or pushed to one side in favour of DH's feelings.

At this moment in time MLS, you are the most important person in all of this, not DH. I'm sympathetic of all of his problems, I really am but, I would hate to see you go under, crack up even.
Just don't try too hard to be all nice and understanding of DH. You deserve his understanding a lot more!! XX

Original poster
mylittlestar · 02/05/2007 13:56

I'm wondering whether to let him read this...

I know if I try to have a big conversation with him he'll crack up. I know he will.

But I need to do something.

I'm at the stage where your posts are making me cry again so I know I'm not too good!

OP posts:
PetronellaPinkPants · 02/05/2007 13:56

Have you actually said to him (sorry have not read whole post)

YOU cheated on me
As a result you have shattered the trust I had in you. I now feel quite understandably that I cannot trust you and the only way I am going to overcome that is by you being trustworthy in a transparent way. You have to want to tell me what you are doing because you know it will help me rebuild my trust in you which is something both of us wants.

I am going to feel bad about this. I know you are depressed but that doesn't alter the fact that you have shattered my life and I am struggling with this as much as you are with your depression.

We can either deal with this together, pull together as a team on teh same side to try and make our marriage work or you can fight me and it will never get better and we will end up separating. I cannot live in a lie.

etc

Ifonlyhewould · 02/05/2007 13:56

I must have spent too much time with Cashncarry because I just want to give your DH a big kick up the arse!!!

Original poster
mylittlestar · 02/05/2007 13:57

Yes you'll have to get in line behind cnc for that!!

OP posts:
PetronellaPinkPants · 02/05/2007 13:57

yy but him cracking up is the typical male thing of wanting to brush it all under the carpet, wanting everything to JUST GET BETTER when of course it can't

Ifonlyhewould · 02/05/2007 13:58

Let him crack up MLS. Stop trying to protect him. Make him face up to the pain and heartbreak he has caused you. Let him see this thread!!

PetronellaPinkPants · 02/05/2007 13:58

I think YOU have to be strong and not take his cracking up tbh. Say what you have to say or you will still be going round in circles for months

Original poster
mylittlestar · 02/05/2007 13:59

Petronella I haven't said that lately no. I did at the start, but lots has happened since then.

I think I will learn that and just blurt it out to him tomorrow (not tonight as sister's party!). It needs to be said.

OP posts:
PetronellaPinkPants · 02/05/2007 13:59

mls would you email me

petronellapinkpants at gmail dot com

LilyLoo · 02/05/2007 13:59

MLS as much as i think the counsellor will help thses are the things you need to be able to say to dh. If you never address these issues and if every time you ask for reassurance he says he can't cope how does he think you will ever be able to move on ? Is he still on the ad's / are they making any difference? I really don't know what else to say, but to reiterate that you have to come to terms with this and one day you will know whether you can live with it or not, either way it cannot carry on like this.

PetronellaPinkPants · 02/05/2007 13:59

sorry that sounded so bossy!

PeterAndreFanCLub · 02/05/2007 13:59

i may thoguh and you can join my gang

Original poster
mylittlestar · 02/05/2007 14:00

sorry keep crossing posts - I think you're right, I do need to say it. And if he 'cracks up' and runs then I guess I'll then only have myself and ds to worry about.

If he accepts it and sticks around then we'll be getting somewhere.

OP posts:
Ifonlyhewould · 02/05/2007 14:01

Let me tell you now MLS, reading your posts make me cry.

You said on my thread that i deserved love, kisses, cuddles, treating with respect etc. Well, don't you think you deserve the same? Yes, you may get the kisses and the cuddles from your DH but, where is the loyalty to you? Where is the respect for your feelings? he has to stop thinking about himself, face up to his actions and feel bloody lucky that he has not paid a very dear price! That his wonderful,loving wife is prepared to not only stand by him, but continue to love him and make every effort to make this marriage survive.

Original poster
mylittlestar · 02/05/2007 14:01

PPP will e-mail you now xx

OP posts:
Ifonlyhewould · 02/05/2007 14:03

You cannot spend the rest of your life not daring to upset DH for fear he is going to run off!! If he is going to leave he will leave. But better he leave you a strong, confident woman than a weak, broken woman XX

Original poster
mylittlestar · 02/05/2007 14:03

IOHW I know you're right

OP posts:
LilyLoo · 02/05/2007 14:05

she'a right you know MLS >>>