My Husband has been Disinherited. Devastated for him.

[nursy1]

Of course there is a back story to this. His family was fairly dysfunctional, 5 kids in all. He is dyslexic but diagnosed as an adult, all through his childhood his father told him he was lazy, didn’t work hard enough at school, would never amount to anything. It culminated in him being thrown out when he was 17 after he had chosen to do an engineering apprenticeship rather than anything acedemic.
Now FIL is in his 90s, suffering from heart failure and Parkinson’s, bed bound and in the care of his eldest daughter. (DH Mum died 12 years ago) He lives next door to her I n a bungalow which she half owns with him. He pays her his carers allowance.
He lives a 4 hour drive away from us. Dh visited him at the weekend. He was very agitated, calmed down eventually. As he left, daughter came around to car to say that as her DH house was going straight to his kids she would be left with nothing and would have no income once FIL died. In the light of this he had changed his will.
DH discovered from his brother subsequently that he is to be disinherited and his share given to eldest sister as we are “well off” and didn’t come to visit him enough.
My husband is devastated. We are only well off because he has worked like a dog 50 - 60 hour weeks for 35 years or more. Never had much time for visiting then but he has seen him 4 times in the past year. He also took him on a week long holiday to Cornwall where he spent his honeymoon. He has been blocked many times from visiting by eldest daughter as, according to he4 “ Dads not up to it” . DH has a good pension we saved hard for and I have a pension as well which will start later this year. We have a small mortgage on our house. And six kids between us. We are not wealthy, only comfortable on a budget I would say. His other younger siblings will be much the same by the time they are our age. The eldest sibling has made a number of crazy decisions in her life and was an alcoholic for some years. However, she drives a Mercedes and is not short of money.
It’s not the money so much as it is bringing back the terrible feelings of rejection he had all those years ago. He hasn’t slept and is on the verge of tears when we speak about it.
I am fuming and at times if I’m honest that’s not helping. I want to confront them but DH worried it will kill his frail Dad and would rather challenge the will after his death
Anyone any experience of similar. What helped?

He has a memento from the family Home, a grandfather clock which he asked as it came from his Grandfather who did love him unconditionally and used to let him wind it when he stayed as a child. He was told he could have it but as it was valuable and our eldest son is gay ( FIL doesn’t approve) it was to go to his brothers eldest son in our will. Says it all doesn’t it?

Bugger that!

A gift is a gift - you can't put conditions on it like that.

Well surely the most reasonable way to do it otherwise is for the SIL to just get an additional share.

For the DH not to get a single penny is disgraceful. If the SIL accepts that I’m afraid she’d not be getting a Christmas card off me. She sounds like she wouldn’t care though.

You keep labouring the SiL's alcoholism. Why is that? I have a feeling that her side of the story would probably be quite enlightening. As a nurse, you will know that taking care of an elderly father with advanced Parkinsons (which does NOT always cause dementia) is pretty much a full time job. Anyone doing it would struggle to have much of a life themselves, even with help. You are keen to keep needling away about the SiL's shortcomings, but she has done bloody LOADS for the whole family by caring for your FiL all of these years.

Some of these comments are in awful taste. The OP's FiL is still alive. The suggestions about investigating coercion and mental capacity when there's no apparent case for this in an attempt to - let's face it - get some money, are shocking.

As usual, with any thread about wills, it's never about the money, is it?

This is why all siblings were in agreement about her having the whole of the bungalow after his death. How very gracious of them, you mean they agreed to let him do what he wanted with his own property. You are unbelievable. Do you think your kids are looking round your house working out how they are going to share out your money? How does it feel?

"Where there's a will, there's a relative" as they say Granny

ANdit's always the ones whodoleast who seem to expect the most.

Oh yes, they have no idea I am happily spending "their inheritance" so that she can spend her final days in luxury. I am expecting it to last a long time as she is physically very fit but the dementia means she can't look after herself. There won't be much inheritance left when her home is costing well in excess of £1,000 per week plus extras and of course it will cost more as she deteriorates.

This is why all siblings were in agreement about her having the whole of the bungalow after his death.

How very gracious of them, you mean they agreed to let him do what he wanted with his own property

Quite.

As hard as this seems hard, this needs to be accepted. Time will heal and your husband will be finally free from what sometimes can be the tyranny of a horrible family.

I highly recommend going nc with the toxics. We have gone nc with one of DH's siblings, and I wish my mother would go nc with hers...... she behaves like a puppy desperate for their approval and has willingly thrown me and my siblings under the bus for them when we were growing up. (Maintaining appearances pushing us into a relationship, even when my uncle sexually assaulted us etc).

Problem is that the relationship patterns set in childhood are often really difficult to break and get out of. You stay stuck in the same groove. DH feels totally liberated to be nc with his brother. It's very freeing.

OP I was disinherited also although was able to claim legal rights (Scottish law) and was very simple to do.
However if I hadn't been excluded I would have been shocked as it would have meant my evil witch of a mother had had a late in life character transplant. I never expected anything different from her as she was a spiteful, vindictive woman. The truth is that the real shock was the behaviour of my sister and brother in law but that's another story...
With regards to contesting - contesting a will has to be done based on pure hard facts. Emotions and feelings of injustice matter not in court.
It is a hugely expensive ordeal and to be honest, from what you have said, not one that you have much chance of winning.
Your husband will get over it in time. It is what it is. Life is hugely unfair and sadly we cannot choose our family of origin.
Wishing you and hubby well x

Things are very different in Scotland than England regarding wills and inheritance. England has freedom of testamentary capacity Scotland (and France) don't. You would need to take careful impartial advice before challenging a will to ensure you aren't stuck with a high bill for court costs as well as no relationship with your family.

@PaintingByNumbers in my dh case the siblings weren’t neglected like him, they were older and flew the nest earlier. Prior to this though when they were all together there was alcoholism and dv from the father but the older brother took it out on my dh physically. They have no real reason to not see their mum really.

"To me, the man is a selfish tyrant and sil takes after him. "

I am sure that is what my SiL says about me and my mother. Indeed DB has said as much. Convenient as it means they have every excuse not to help.

Actually I think my SiL is an awful lot like my mother, that there was probably something deeply psychological about my brother's choice of wife, and that they clash because both are self centered and controlling.

OP does not have to like her SiL but I think she should give her some credit for looking after/managing the care of someone who has had a stroke and has Parkinsons and who has been effectively immobile for 18 months.

Lots of people are talking about the need to be equal about money, but seem to assume that the SIl's time is only worth a pittance. Is this because she is a woman, whilst OP is married to a MAN? From my experience of care it is very typical that brothers assume care is the duty of a sister.

I think that it's possible a lot of posters are missing the point - it's not so much about the SIL getting extra money, it's the fact that the OP's DH is the only sibling being cut out of the Will to supply that extra money. It would be different if all of the other siblings were getting less to compensate the sister doing the care, but that's not what's happening. One son, and one son only, is getting nothing - OP's DH. The rest are still getting their portion despite doing a similar amount, or less, as OP's DH - but he's the only one cut out.

That's not fair whichever way you cut it, and I can see why he's upset.

Posted earlier - kindly and supportively I hope - about your DH’s distress. However I am feeling increasingly irritated with your attitude towards your SIL.

I’m not going to reiterate what so many others have said so well about the burden of full time care, but I’ve been there - twice - and it is utterly draining. No amount of money can compensate for the time spent ministering to someone else’s needs, often thanklessly, while your own life ticks by. Really, shame on you as a nurse for not appreciating this.

If this is really about the sense of rejection, get your DH to speak to his father directly and put this to bed once and for all. And move on.

If it’s about fairness, your DH’s other siblings could resolve this by agreeing to split their share four ways instead of three.

As with so many threads, I wish the sil could come on MN and give her version of the story.

Hmmmm looneytune, if my mother had let me grow up in an atmosphere of dv and alcoholism, I wouldn't be overkeen either, then she disinherits them as well, great mother!

I suppose I Labour the alcoholism because fil was also an alcoholic and they had that co- dependency thing going. That’s part of their closeness ( sorry to drip feed this but as others have said, a dysfunctional family is a complex thing). I just feel that she has made bad financial decisions in the past and it seems that my DH alone is picking up the tab for this.
I am appreciative of the caring role but honestly could have been easier for her if she had accepted the help that was offered by ourselves and others. She seemed to actually resent us taking him away for a week and put all sorts of obstacles in the way. We could have done much more if she hadn’t made it so hard. As some have said it’s the relentless 24/7 of caring that is hard so we felt trying to give her a regular holiday would be helpful. We have often asked if there are other things we could do but she has not taken us up on it. Every time we visited my DH would trim hedges, repair stuff in the house etc ( that’s his role being the non acedemic one you see ) As I said, she is like a guard dog with this relationship and not only with us.
My DH and I have talked endlessly about this over the past couple of days, he is going to call his Dad and explain how hurt he feels and the sense of rejection it has stirred up. I think if it had been 5 or 10 grand off everyone it would have felt better for him but we have decided will not mention this or pursue will challenges. As others have said have to swallow it and move on. I think it’s dreadful and has been done in such a vile and cruel way.

My DH and I have talked endlessly about this over the past couple of days, he is going to call his Dad and explain how hurt he feels and the sense of rejection it has stirred up

Oh dear, poor father

And just to clarify that last point, if we hadn’t been told about this now. My DH would have found out at the will reading when a note would have been read out in front of everyone. “You didn’t visit me enough”

She seemed to actually resent us taking him away for a week and put all sorts of obstacles in the way. We could have done much more if she hadn’t made it so hard

As his main carer, she would be able to identify difficulties with 'taking him away for a week' that you wouldn't. Again, as a nurse, I would think you would know that. I couldn't just swing in and take my Parkinson's-suffering relative away for a week without a LOT of things being taken into consideration. Those obstacles could well have been genuine problems. As other posters have said, it is one of those threads where I'm convinced the SiL's story would be very enlightening (and probably very sad).

Your SiL has been close to her father and cared for him for a long time. And yet you have very little good to say about her other than a vague acknowledgement followed by more of why she's in the wrong.

Plus you said early on in the thread that you hadn't done much at all for 35 years because of work and it's only recently that you've started visiting more regularly.

Sorry OP, but this whole situation seems not to black and white at all. I think demonising your FiL and SiL because of this news about the will isn't right. Life doesn't leap from 'chucked out of house at 17' to 'now left out of will' without a lot lives being lived in between.

And your FiL is still alive after all.

I do see how hurtful this is for your DH, and actually quite spiteful and manipulative for your FIL to promise his share to another sibling. But your beef is really with your FIL not your SIL. I’m sure you have good reason not to like her, and that’s fine, but it’s your FIL who has done this mean thing. No solicitor would let someone in their nineties change their Will in this way without establishing mental capacity, so sadly this is what the old bugger wants.

My DH would have found out at the will reading when a note would have been read out in front of everyone. “You didn’t visit me enough”

Well luckily you got the heads up that he's genuinely hurt by that while there still time to do something about it, right?

Your FiL doesn't sound thoroughly evil and wicked. Flawed yes; harsh in the past, yes. He admitted that he was wrong to your DH.

I don't buy the whole 'we're the goodies and THEY'RE the baddies' picture here. Life is never like that.

Yes. I know that she can identify difficulties with changes in his routine but he really wanted to go and wrote several letters asking us to take him. This was because he wanted to return to the place he had spent his honeymoon and on the second occasion because he wanted to see his other Ds house.
You make it sound as though we didn’t visit for 35 years. That’s not the case but as I said, we visited 2 or 3 times a year. He could have visited us of course but did so only about 5 occasions in that time period.
Perhaps my dislike of them is shining through. I think I’m justified, one of her children is Nc with her. She neglected them whilst drinking with her Dad on many, many occasions. We took all three of them to stay with us for a week when she was at her worst, not easy with six of my own and her three all traumatised. I’m sure she has forgotten this.

My DH would have found out at the will reading when a note would have been read out in front of everyone

I thought this only happened in Agatha Christie novels. Is it a thing?

No! Clients seem to expect there is some sort of will reading event or ceremony, but unless you are an aristocrat and living in the 1920s that's not how it works