My Husband has been Disinherited. Devastated for him.

[nursy1]

Of course there is a back story to this. His family was fairly dysfunctional, 5 kids in all. He is dyslexic but diagnosed as an adult, all through his childhood his father told him he was lazy, didn’t work hard enough at school, would never amount to anything. It culminated in him being thrown out when he was 17 after he had chosen to do an engineering apprenticeship rather than anything acedemic.
Now FIL is in his 90s, suffering from heart failure and Parkinson’s, bed bound and in the care of his eldest daughter. (DH Mum died 12 years ago) He lives next door to her I n a bungalow which she half owns with him. He pays her his carers allowance.
He lives a 4 hour drive away from us. Dh visited him at the weekend. He was very agitated, calmed down eventually. As he left, daughter came around to car to say that as her DH house was going straight to his kids she would be left with nothing and would have no income once FIL died. In the light of this he had changed his will.
DH discovered from his brother subsequently that he is to be disinherited and his share given to eldest sister as we are “well off” and didn’t come to visit him enough.
My husband is devastated. We are only well off because he has worked like a dog 50 - 60 hour weeks for 35 years or more. Never had much time for visiting then but he has seen him 4 times in the past year. He also took him on a week long holiday to Cornwall where he spent his honeymoon. He has been blocked many times from visiting by eldest daughter as, according to he4 “ Dads not up to it” . DH has a good pension we saved hard for and I have a pension as well which will start later this year. We have a small mortgage on our house. And six kids between us. We are not wealthy, only comfortable on a budget I would say. His other younger siblings will be much the same by the time they are our age. The eldest sibling has made a number of crazy decisions in her life and was an alcoholic for some years. However, she drives a Mercedes and is not short of money.
It’s not the money so much as it is bringing back the terrible feelings of rejection he had all those years ago. He hasn’t slept and is on the verge of tears when we speak about it.
I am fuming and at times if I’m honest that’s not helping. I want to confront them but DH worried it will kill his frail Dad and would rather challenge the will after his death
Anyone any experience of similar. What helped?

A shame the father can’t go NC with the DH

Also, as sil and her DH will be there he can perhaps explain why he wants to leave his wife penniless. This apparently is why she has asked at this late stage for FIL to increase her share.

Bettedavis. No it really isn’t about the money.
As I said DH has refused offer of levelling it up financially after event from his bil. This is primarily for him about being treated as a lesser sibling in the eyes of his father. Something he and the nc sibling spent many years in therapy trying to overcome. His Ds cut herself off from the family where as he tried to mend the relationship. Dh thought to an extent he had but this event has made him feel it all again.

If I were the FIL I would leave the lion's share to the person who has done the caring role, rather than those who can only be bothered to visit on rare occasions unless their inheritance is threatened, in which case they are on their way! I cannot believe you are all going to disturb an ailing man and harass him about his will. You are right about one thing, the dysfunction really is carrying on!

I am sorry that your DH has had such a problematic past and yes, it is wrong and hurtful to single him out. The money should have come equally from all the other siblings. If that can be agreed between them, fair enough. Honestly though he will probably do better to just agree that with them or let it go rather than keep himself involved in the difficult dynamic with his DF.

Whether your SIL should be getting money from her DH or has made bad financial decisions in the past is irrelevant, she deserves to have added security in her future and if your FIL wishes, to get more in recognition of her care no matter what her financial situation. You don't seem to appreciate in the slightest the magnitude of what she has been doing for over a decade. If this ends in an agreement that your DH is back in the will, I hope that will mean a smaller share for all the other siblings and not taking more from your SIL. In which case, why not just agree that between yourselves and leave your FIL in peace.

Cross post, but I still think if it isn't about the money as you say then he should be careful with this 'intervention' and make it clear from the outset he is happy re the money and for SIL to get it, but just hurt by the singling out. Even then, be careful as you don't really know what your FIL has said and although he does not have dementia Parkinsons can as you know affect higher mental function in the end.

Vivienne there are plenty of will writing companies around that specifically put wills together.

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/will-writing-services-pros-and-cons

Also, when FIL was in hospital and wanted to change some parts of his will his solicitor (who he had used for some 20 years) came to the hospital to ensure for himself he had mental capacity. Now that may be because we had rung the solicitor at the request of fIL to say changes were desired, but the solicitor and his assistant turned up none-the-less. Nothing the OP has said on that score seems something to doubt to me.

The last thing a solicitor or will writing company would want is to put together a will that can have its validity successfully challenged in court. And their first responsibility is to their client- the OP's FIL. It makes perfect sense they want to ensure that something out of the ordinary and a little 'odd' (through content of the will or the timing of the changes) would be checked out.

Anyway, I know people are being all horrified at the idea that the will is being discussed when FIL has not even died yet, but that's perfectly normal too surely? Death is a reality and sadly such things as money taxes and inheritances are a reality too. It's a pretty usual thing for GPs to pay things for their Dcs or DGCs such as school fees etc - that is a way to pass money on that will not be otherwise hit by inheritance taxes. Efficient tax planning etc.Now I am not going to go into the rights and wrongs of that, but people organising their affairs is normal and sensible, and surely discussing those affairs with their loved ones is also surely sensible.

My own parents this very week e-mailed us to say they had gone to a financial advisor and they want to get us together to talk about their funeral plans, where we can find all the important documents in their house and what they plan to do with their wills now that we have a new grandchild in the family that was not covered in the previous will etc. I know what is in their current will, and after next week I will know what is in their next will. I'm not hanging around waiting for the parents to fall off the twig and gleefully rubbing my hands together thinking about what I 'inherit'.

Someone said earlier that 'where there is a will there is a relative'.

The saying I have heard is 'where there is a will there is a war'.

Itshappening. That is exactly what is being suggested here. That sil keeps the larger share as he wishes but the burden of that is shared amongst remaining siblings rather than sibling my DH out.
There is much disquiet in the family, sil was already getting the lions share but has now come back for more at the last gasp.
Honestly some of you seem not to read what’s being said here but just jump to conclusions.
What seems to have happened is she has pressured FIL by giving him this new information that her husband is basically disinheriting her and thus needs even more. I have no idea why this would be him being a strongly religious person and, as far as I know, the marriage not in trouble. This is the other thing that needs clarification
I have been censured by some on here for not taking the carers role seriously but honestly I thought £200 a week for 12 years was ample for shopping and visiting which is all it amounted to until the past 2 or 3 years. I do this for my own parents currently for nothing.
Our whole family are coming at Christmas, we have said will definitely be talking to them about inheritance.

itshappening
If I were the FIL I would leave the lion's share to the person who has done the caring role, rather than those who can only be bothered to visit on rare occasions unless their inheritance is threatened

Sounds harsh. Sometimes there are valid reasons why people don't visit more often. A relative of mine - now in his early 30s - moved to the USA few years ago. He now has a family and has settled down there for good. He visits his parents (now in their 60s but still in good health) once a year. People in the US generally get less annual leave than here. There are plenty of people who have moved to the other side of the world, Australia, New Zealand, to name a few countries. Do you expect them to fly back and forth every weekend or month?
And what about adult children with their own physical or mental health problems? It's not because they are DCs and young that they are as fit as a fiddle.
So should these people all be disinherited then?

So your husband is going to manage a visit when it suits him then? I would be very careful if I was your husband and his brother, if I was your FIL I would be disgusted and very inclined to leave everything to the daughter who looks after him.

Your SILs husband's will is also none of your business.

You should also be careful about what you say about his sister, you don't have any evidence that she has pressured him and there are laws about libel.

So should these people all be disinherited then? No but if another sibling has looked after the parent 24/7 for years then there is nothing wrong with acknowledging that. This man did not live in the USA, he lives 4 hrs away so perfectly reasonable for a weekend visit once a month. When you balance the lack of contact on one side and the level of care on the other I don't think it is at all unreasonable in this case. Also the OPs attitude to her SIL is really nasty and maybe her FIL is doing this because he doesn't want her getting her hands on his money when she is so disrespectful to members of his family.

The thing I found most irritating was being told to "just put her in a home."

Granny

The last thing a solicitor or will writing company would want is to put together a will that can have its validity successfully challenged in court. And their first responsibility is to their client- the OP's FIL. It makes perfect sense they want to ensure that something out of the ordinary and a little 'odd' (through content of the will or the timing of the changes) would be checked out.

his is true - but normally they ensure that the client is mentally fit and not being unduly coerced at the time they take the details.

OP, on a scale of 1 to 10 how likely is it that the FIL will suddenly have an epiphany and say something that will make your husband feel better about his relationship with his father?

On a scale of 1 to 10 how likely is it that he will feel riled and say something that will make your husband feel far, far worse?

It's just not going to work.

grannytomine - I agree the OP's circumstances are different but the fact is that family relationships between siblings can definitely change once parents get ill and need care, especially if some siblings live far away. Someone once said to me that, because her BIL and his family live so far away from her DH's elderly parents (wherever that was) and were unable to visit often she thought it was unfair that the burden of care fell upon her and her DH, and BIL and his family 'are let off the hook'. The thing is when parents are young and healthy and don't need support no one really cares if siblings move hundreds or thousands of miles away.

Pax no, I do understand there are many different circumstances. I was talking about the impression I got from the attitudes in this particular situation.

I wouldn't take Will instructions if an entire family was present.

Your entire family going up to chat to FIL is tantamount to coercion btw.

Agreewith Templeton - this could be construed as amounting to bullying.

And TBH - your FIL will most probably become defensive-aggressive; and if you are right about your SIL pressuring him into changing his will, it will make him feel that he has done the right thing. In fact, he may disinherit everyone except your SIL,

So your FIL has not actually died yet but you are all going to his house to discuss his will with him. This is just so inappropriate and frankly more than a little incredible than anybody could think this was right

If I were him I'd disinherit the bloody lot of them. Load of vultures scrawking around somebody's death bed.

What seems to have happened is she has pressured FIL by giving him this new information that her husband is basically disinheriting her and thus needs even more

Right. So, not that she has had the closest relationship with your FiL by far, he would know what's going her life and he simply WANTS to help her in HER time of need as she's been the one to help him, then?

How old is your SiL, by the way?

Your entire family going up to chat to FIL is tantamount to coercion btw

Quite. If your DH wanted to 'connect' with his father about their relationship, what better forum to do it than during a friendly, mob-handed discussion about the will and who gets what from a sick old man.

The more you post OP, the worse it all sounds. You seem to struggle to empathise with anyone else involved, and the story about your DH and FiL shifts a bit through the thread to be honest. Plus, while you've stopped reminding us that your SiL was an alcoholic, you're now repeatedly suggesting that everyone's on 'your side' and everyone thinks SiL is the wrong, so you must be right, eh?

I strongly suspect your SiL deserves every penny she gets.

Our whole family are coming at Christmas, we have said will definitely be talking to them about inheritance

Maybe you should all talk about something else? itsnotaboutthemoney

1. Absolutely OK in my book to discuss wills in advance. My DH and I talk about ours with our DC as we want them to be happy with what we have in mind and if not, say why (as this might be for a very good reason we hadn’t thought of). We do the same about our future care - why not?

1. It sounds like the will has not been finalised, if the will company are questioning it.

1. Has anyone actually heard or seen anything first hand from the testator (including The Note) or is it all indirectly through SIL?

1. I suppose a family conference might be a good idea as long as everyone is capable of keeping calm and reasonable. But the OP seems to be talking about descending on a ninety year old man in his own home to interrogate him about his will. Not a great plan, especially for a family with a dysfunctional past.

1. This does not address the issues of rejection that the OP’s husband is experiencing. He really needs to do that one to one with his DF

1. I’m afraid it does sound as though it is about the money. Everyone seems to be getting het up about the SIL getting more than they had calculated she was entitled to. But that really isn’t their call.

Poor FIL - he should disinherit the lot apart from the caring daughter and go NC with the DH

I don't think a family conference is appropriate. He doesn't need their permission to dispose of his money.

I feel really sorry for this old man.

Family conference to air any grievances between the siblings I mean. Obviously not to plan campaign against elderly father.