Husband has history in Thailand and is planning to return

[DeRoJo]

Hi, my husband had an affair 10 years ago when travelling in Thailand, he continued to text/email her for several months after he got back. I found the phone he bought to keep contact with her and confronted him. He told me he planned to leave me and our children and go live with her. His justification for his actions was that he didn’t feel I needed him anymore! We decided to try and make a go of things and he agreed not to contact her again, although I have struggled to deal with it, I thought we were doing OK. I don’t feel the same as I used to about him but I do still love him and want our marriage to work. BUT he has just announced that he plans to go back to do voluntary work in Thailand for 3 months next year and I am finding the idea abhorrent. I believe him when he says he has altruistic reasons for going but I worry that it will happen again and I cannot go through it all again. My dilemma is...do I try to stop him going or let him go and hope for the best but prepare for the worst?

You can’t stop him from going but I’d be questioning why he thinks that’s more important than sharing the load bringing up a family. Do you get equal time doing altruistic deeds in (beautiful) far flung lands? Would you want to leave your kids for that length of time?
He’s not even getting a fat pay cheque for it

There's other alternatives. Have you thought of them?

Let him go. .. And tell him to stay there.

I wouldn’t be doing either. I’d be filing for divorce. It should be pretty obvious that doing this would cause you to worry about the prospect of another affair, but seemingly he doesn’t carE. You deserve better than that. There are other places , including the UK, where he could volunteer if he’s feeling so altruistic, but he’s choosing a place he knows will be a problem.

God, I would love to go to Thailand for three months for "altruistic reasons." Sounds amazing.

But it's not on my radar because I have a husband and children who rely on me. Shame your DH thinks family life is something he can dip in and out of.

Regardless of his intentions for going and what he does or doesn't get up to while there it's ok to say that it's not ok and if he insists on going you will file for divorce.

What would he say if you wanted to bugger off somewhere for three months?

So when do you get your 3 months off OP?

He's a selfish bastard, before we even get to the cheating aspect.

Of course he doesn't have altruistic reasons for going, what planet are you on?

I call shenanigans

He's really pushing it, probably just to see how far you are willing to go to keep him. Are you sure the affair ever finished, did they have children or a life planned together. Does he have a job in UK, do you? How will you be expected to fund his sabbatical presumably with less household income. Not sure I'd bother to be there if he chose to return.

divorce him like now. the selfish swine.

Thais don’t need “volunteers” to help out. See other threads on here about how gap year volunteering at orphanages etc are not what they appear to be. What a pitiful attempt at pulling the wool over your eyes - what’s wrong with volunteering with the homeless in the uk? Especially at this time of year!?

Does he have another phone again?

Selfish prick.

Well ten years is a long time, if he’s looking up an old flame or trying to reignite with her.

I think I would struggle with him going back to the same place. Is there a reason it has to be Thailand?

I would tell him that if he goes he needs to clear all of his stuff out of the house first as he wont be returning to it.

He puts himself first and always will. Whether he's planning to get back in touch with his previous girlfriend or look for another one doesn't really matter - it's the fact that he thinks he can just sod off for three months (and not contribute any money to the family pot in that time) and you will suck it up. He seems to have got the idea that you will put up with anything in order to 'keep' him.

I'd be telling your Dh the following "Sure you can go what a great idea ! Straight after I get back from 3 months off family life!"
Or maybe he'd be up for a whole family bonding volunteer trip together call a family meeting print off a few other volunteering ideas in different countries even "let's all decide together"
What a joke I'd be asking him is it a joke?

Actually, I would also make sure, in advance of this trip, that you have a separate bank account you put your share of the family funds in. Sometimes these men who want to go abroad shagging will clean out the bank accounts altogether, because they are not planning to come back.

I would tell him that if he goes he needs to clear all of his stuff out of the house first as he wont be returning to it

This. What a totally selfish, tone-deaf arse he sounds.

What voluntary work is he planning on doing, well meaning volunteers without the proper skill sets can actually do more harm than good to the community. And what is wrong with volunteering locally?.

Do not do the pick me dance with this man any more. Your marriage was really and truly over when he decided to be unfaithful. He is not worth it.

Yeeeaaa that would be a no from me - for a number of reasons. How old are your kids? Unless they're self sufficient, out of the home etc then why the hell would he be happy to not see his kids for that long and expect you to do solo parenting? There are a zillion volunteering things he could do in this country that wouldn't involve disappearing for 3 months/wouldn't involve spending his own money (these opportunities tend to be self paid for).... all this before i'd even be going there with the previous affair....

There are plenty of places that need volunteers. If he wants to volunteer, ask him to go somewhere without that history.

If he refuses, then the place is more important than the volunteering, and I would be questioning why.

Or just bin him now. Thats more likely what I would do.