Husband has history in Thailand and is planning to return

[DeRoJo]

Hi, my husband had an affair 10 years ago when travelling in Thailand, he continued to text/email her for several months after he got back. I found the phone he bought to keep contact with her and confronted him. He told me he planned to leave me and our children and go live with her. His justification for his actions was that he didn’t feel I needed him anymore! We decided to try and make a go of things and he agreed not to contact her again, although I have struggled to deal with it, I thought we were doing OK. I don’t feel the same as I used to about him but I do still love him and want our marriage to work. BUT he has just announced that he plans to go back to do voluntary work in Thailand for 3 months next year and I am finding the idea abhorrent. I believe him when he says he has altruistic reasons for going but I worry that it will happen again and I cannot go through it all again. My dilemma is...do I try to stop him going or let him go and hope for the best but prepare for the worst?

How selfish - your poor children!!! He is going to leave them and likely not to return if it goes to his plan. Sounds like he's got a back up plan over there. I'd pack his bags now or go along with it but sort our your finances ASAP. - then pack his bags.

Isnt this half the plot of the latest Marian Keyes novel 🙄

Tell him to do it in a different country and see just how altruistic he really is.

Oh how lovely. Married, with family life and can just swan off for 3 months. Is it your turn to volunteer abroad when he gets back then? Im guessing not.

You won't be feeling good now but you need to face facts. He's already opted out of the marriage. & I'd be surprised if he comes back, to be honest. You need to get all documents etc together and file for divorce. Don't let him dangle you like this. Cheeky fucker Extraordinaire. I bet he's all eaaaaarnest about his reasons for wanting to volunteer in Thailand too

Let him go with his silly infatuation, and get fooled by a sex worker. I hope he gets taken for every penny - but that you get what's due to you first so, act now. While you're worrying, be sure he's getting his stuff together and planning. Don't be fooled that he isnt. Don't get caught out. You need all important documents to hand. Take copies too. Get the address he's going to.

& Don't wait on him, honestly. Do your crying now and sweep him out of your life with a metaphorical broom. That's what he's aiming to do to you.

I would suggest if he is so altruistic that he goes and does voluntary work in a country that has deeper problems than Thailand which is one of the most developed South East Asian economies, perhaps Laos or Burma which have far greater need of ngo involvement. I assume given his altruistic motives that the stricter moral environment will not put him off Cambodia probably has the greatest need but NGOs face a tougher battle with sex tourism than in Thailand, which is now cracking down. We are involved with a charity there and the scale of the threat to children and young people, quite apart from extreme poverty, is horrifying.

I look forward to hearing he has volunteered to help clear land mines in the remote areas of Laos

I've heard Stockport needs volunteers, maybe he can go there?

LIZS is bang on, as is everyone pointing out there's plenty of need for volunteers right here in rainy England.

If he wants him to fulfil his altruistic urges tell him to volunteer down the local homeless shelter. Or he could donate to children in need all the money he would have spent on flights and Thai women. The fact he wants to go at all would be enough for me to be done with him. Sorry.

Is he going to the same area as 10 years ago and is his altruistic work in anyway linked to what he did then?

Good luck with the talk and remember you have the right not wanting him to go there and that has nothing to do with you being controlling or mistrusting or stopping him from doing good deeds or whatever arguments he will come up with.

Unless it's connected to his job, there's only one reason why an older man would go to Thailand on his own and it aint for altruistic reasons.

Wake up.

Oh and he may find that Thailand is no longer quite the same land of opportunity as it was for his ten years younger self. I have heard of so many young 20 something men who are out there at the moment after the same thing. My DD avoided it when she backpacked around South East Asia. The general advice is it has become too risky for young women, too many sexually predatory young men, too much risk of sexual harassment, date rape drugs etc.

and a lot of sex workers are underage in Thailand, so that could technically make him a pedophile as well as a cheat.
He might think the women he's getting together with are in their twenties, but they could be under 16.
Yuck.
Kick him out.

The riding jacket would be good, if a bit uncomfortable, for riding, but for daywear - flappy open and hot shut. Also a bit too Victoriana to be stylish.

Wrong thread!

How old are the kids?

I would be asking him what the he’ll makes him think that you’d be in any way comfortable with this, and why the hell would he want to open up old wounds and put you through this level of hurt again?

He has no respect for your feelings...

Firstly who would simply announce they are going away for 3 months without complete and in-depth conversations and agreement from their partner

Secondly, there’s plenty of places other than Thailand he could do this. He’s aware of what happened and is choosing to ignore the problems this will cause. Again a complete lack of thought of how you’d feel.

Get your finances tight and say nothing to object until you have. Seriously. He will leave you and he will syphon all of your cash and assets. So whatever you can before he knows your feelings.

I say this as someone who knows many a stupid westerner who fucked off to Asia....

If he goes you file for divorce. After you’ve had your three month jolly ideally.

Completely inappropriate and selfish to think it’s ok for you to be left holding the fort for three months regardless of the history.

Are your children grown up now?

Does he not work? 3 months is a long time to be off!

That aside I wouldn't be happy.

This

I would be asking him what the he’ll makes him think that you’d be in any way comfortable with this, and why the hell would he want to open up old wounds and put you through this level of hurt again?

He knows how this would look. Is he trying to split up with you on the sly?

Very selfish expectation
I'd tell him if he goes then it's over
He has to respect ur opinion and ur reasons
He's being an inconsiderate shit

I’ve been to Thailand and both times with partner (twat) at the time. The girls/ ladyboys are ruthless in the pursuit of western guys. Your DH is going to get his jollies and knows he’s upsetting you by going. I would make plans to up and leave when he goes. See how he likes that