I have exchanged contracts & move in just over two weeks. Not feeling strong tonight.

[Stillfeelingmessy]

I have posted a lot over the years about my struggles with H & then my separation.
It hasn't been a straightforward separation as we have lived under the same roof for the last 10 months due to H refusing to move out.
I have found a nice house for myself & the boys & should be happy I now only have a couple of weeks before the move, but I am finding myself feeling all churned up & frightened tonight.
Don't know why I'm posting under relationship section, guess it is because I have posted about my situation a lot under this section in the past.
I am watching DS2 laying under a cover on the sofa with his dad & feeling so upset.
I know it is for the best long term, but I'm finding it all a bit hard right now & not feeling my strongest.
Feel free to give me a shake!

I know I have moved on loads from last year & I'm pretty ashamed that I am not more together now, but I am finding it really hard still.
Will post properly tomorrow when I'm more awake, but thanks for your support & patience!

Sorry, messy - disappeared to watch something on the TV.
I'm so sorry about your Mum. It sounds as if she plays power games with you - making herself so important, and you waiting patiently to see what crumbs of her mighty benificience she might bestow. I bet she loves it - and as you say, she is an attention seeker, so she manufatures situations like that in order to fuel her sense of self-importance.

I don't think that anyone being in a position to benefit from psychotherapy means they are a complete fruit loop or even particularly off-kilter. But as you say, your parents have put you down fr a long time, and I think that like and emotonally abusive marriage, the very act of putting you down takes away your perspective and tools for building yourself up. So perhaps psychotherapy helps you find or rebuild those tools within yourself - so that you DON'T feel so dashed to the ground when your parents do this. Don't be hard on yourself because you aren't 'hardened' - in a funny kind of way, if you were 'hardened' that would probably mean you had learned to become emotionally cold and damaged. You are a warm, kind sensitive peson, with compassion for others - that is the most positive and important thing anyone can be, in my personal beliefs.

You deserve to have more warm, kind, sensitive and compasionate people in your life, too - and that doesn't describe your H or your parents, does it?

But...your future is ahead of you, and it's goin to be good. because of the things that going through this whole process has taught you, and because you will be fre and strong to find it and enjoy it.

XXXX

And don't be ashamed - everyone on MN is proud of you

I award Blu the Mumsnet Cup for compassionate posting of the week. It's kind, wise and beautiful. And so, so true.

Thank you Annie - that's lovely .

But, you see, I am inspird by what I find

Thank you for your lovely post Blu, you are so kind & so wise. I have gained a lot of strength from your support over the last couple of years. You would make a fantastic counsellor!

Floating - thanks for the info on psychotherapy. It sounds like it could be worth my while looking into it. I have learnt quite a lot about myself from my counselling sessions.
My mum doesn't like the fact I go to counselling & can't understand why I go at all. She says nobody gave her any counselling, but that will be because she didn't enquire about it!

I was pretty low last night after seeing my parents. When they left H said "They treat you like crap"
Having him say that just made me feel lower. He knows that they treat him better than they treat me. When they said they were taking him out for this meal when he hasn't got the boys, they were obviously meaning they would take him out while I looked after the boys!
On our last wedding anniversary of still being a couple (last Feb), they turned up at our house & took H out for a drink while I stayed home with the boys!
I should be used to them & how they work by now, but sometimes it just gets me right down.

H went to view a house with my mum today & he has put an offer in on it, so he won't be homeless for very long!

I'm glad that H recognises the way they treat you.
Did he ever challenge it?

And, dare I ask? Did your Mum view any houses with you?

Why does H want your Mum viewing houses with him? I thought she drove him a bit mad and was always accusing you of being like her!!

When your Mum says she never had counselling it must be twmpting to say 'more's the pity' back to her!

H knows that they can treat me badly, but he doesn't challange them often.

H seems to be seeing a lot more of my parents now than he ever did when we were together. Mum thinks he sees dad as a father figure.

Mum insisted on going along with H today apparantly. She did go with me to look at a couple of houses & I thought she was being pretty helpful there, but H said that she spoke to him & was hoping I was going to go back to him, so he allowed her to think there was a chance of that happening & that it would be a good investment to have 2 properties because he knew that was the only way she would help me in anyway.

My counsellor actually asked me if I ever felt my mum was not quite right in the head!!

Spoke to DS1's teacher today & informed her that we are moving next Friday & that DS may struggle a bit at school. I also informed her of his nightmares & asked her to keep an eye.
She was pretty good & also asked how I was feeling. I'm glad she is now back at school (she's been off with stress herself) because I feel DS needs some stability atm.

Have it in writing from solicitors that I am getting 70% of the equity from this house. H is going to see about setting up a standing order to pay me money for the boys each month. He says he will try & sort it out tomorrow.

I agre with Floating's reading of what is goin on with your h and your Mum.

indeed at the house shenanigans between H and your Mum and him leading her on, and her playing her own games. I ask you! But I'm glad she was helpful to you in viewing.

I never normally mention my counselling to my parents, it was just I wanted to know if she could give me a lift because I had to get there in my lunch hour. She asked where I was going & I told her I was going to see my counsellor, to which she said "Oh for goodness sake, you're not still seeing a counsellor, why on earth are you seeing her now?"
I just said that I was seeing her to help me through all that I am going through atm, to which she said "Well nobody ever gave me any counselling"
She said it all in a nasty tone & she couldn't give me a lift, so I got a cab!

Would never normally discuss my counselling or any other support with her though.

Hiya SFM. Will send one to you later on today and then see what happens!

Not long to go now and honestly things will look better then.

Will look out fot it, GF.

I know that once I'm settled in my own place things will start to feel better, it's just this last bit that's proving a little tough. I am (believe it or not!) coping better than I thought I would atm though, as I haven't totally lost the plot like I did after Christmas!

I think your Mum is jealous that you have some suppport, such as counseling. It's part of that whole issue of you not settling for what she settled for and how that becomes an implied criticism of her - or highlights what she has put up with from your Dad. I bet if you could wave a magic wand and send your Mum back to the day before she got engaged, but with all she knows now about her marriage and yours, she would tunr back. (but keep the house and holidays she has had!! Let's not be unrealistic!)

I do wonder if she would, Blu. In a funny way both of my parents are kind of brainwashed by each other though, it is very strange.
My parents are also very materialistic, which will be one of the reasons they probably like H so much - he looks impressive from the outside!
When I was about 20, my dad used to take me along to the flying club to try & hook me up with a pilot, and was very put out that I didn't fancy any of them!

I do think she is kind of jealous of my support networks though.

Yes, maybe the joint beainwashing, materialistic success and golf club dinners have made them happy in thier way.

She did sound bitter or jealous about the support, didn't she?

LOL at your dad's attempt at an arranged marriage! One of my first boyfriends was a pilot. And would have made a good H. but I was young, foolish and intent on being unconventional.

So was I, Blu! I think my parents just despaired of the types I brought home & wanted me to hook up with a nice rich sensible man. They spent years telling me what a fool I was for not being interested in the Martin Clunes lookalike, because he went on to be a top pilot for BA!

They are still despairing with me to this day because I'm giving up the large house & flashy car! It was one of the things dad kept bringing up that afternoon in my garden.

I have been round to see one of my lovely friends tonight. She is very supportive & told me it would be abnormal for me to go through this without some kind of major upset, even though she never sees my weaker side.

H is being ultra nice atm, which is messing my head up & making this final bit seem so much harder.
I expect there is a reason he is being like this, but it still messes with my head.