I have exchanged contracts & move in just over two weeks. Not feeling strong tonight.

[Stillfeelingmessy]

I have posted a lot over the years about my struggles with H & then my separation.
It hasn't been a straightforward separation as we have lived under the same roof for the last 10 months due to H refusing to move out.
I have found a nice house for myself & the boys & should be happy I now only have a couple of weeks before the move, but I am finding myself feeling all churned up & frightened tonight.
Don't know why I'm posting under relationship section, guess it is because I have posted about my situation a lot under this section in the past.
I am watching DS2 laying under a cover on the sofa with his dad & feeling so upset.
I know it is for the best long term, but I'm finding it all a bit hard right now & not feeling my strongest.
Feel free to give me a shake!

Got written confirmation of my exchange today. Two weeks today I will be handing in the keys to this house & moving on, which is a very very daunting thought!
I am feeling much less wobbly today though.

the finish line is now in sight messy, just keep focused on that and take care of your lovely boys. Where is H going to go then if he has no flat to move to?

He is planning on staying at my parents for a week or so & then going to his mum's.

He has been very much all over the boys over the last week or so, which is understandable as it's only another 2 weeks before he is not coming home to them every night. I do feel upset for him & especially for the boys.

I can't believe the end is pretty much here now. I am going through such a rollercoaster of emotions right now.

It's too unsettled with him, messy. He has plans afoot I guarantee it.

I know you are depriving your boys of day-to-day contact with him and that is hard. I would die if I had to deprive ds of his daddy. BUT. He has demonstrated over and over again that he is aggressive and controlling and all manner of things which you know are not right for your gorgeous boys. You are doing the right thing, and it is incredibly hard to do.

I know I am doing the right thing, tribpot. I know in my head that it's right & you lot have helped me become someone far stronger than I would otherwise have been capable of being.
It has been a heck of a mountain to climb though & it is still proving a challange. (you can tell I'm still feeling a bit deep after yesterday!) I do wonder when this horrible feeling is going to go away.

Believe it or not, I'm feeling much stronger today!

I'm afraid I may be a bit deep & depressive over the next two weeks because it is feeling a bit sad for me right now.

H has just told me that he's looking at a house on Monday.

Glad you're feling a little stronger.
I have to guffaw at your Mum reminding you that h is homeless - no he isn't, he's going to be living with her, and if he is, it's his own silly fault - and anyway it will be for a v v short time as he will be a no-chain buyer with cash in his bank and a good salary. It will be for a very very short time - hardly 'homeless' sitting in a doorway with his harmonica and posessions in a hankky.

Your Mum doesn't half give it out!

You have had a lot heaped on you for all your life, as you say. Be as deep as you like - better to know yourself from your strong and lovely heart than from the perspective of the people who should have treated you better.

XXXX

God you are such a star, sfm. I am stunned and filled with awe at your bravery every time I catch up with you. I know it will be really hard when the actual physical split comes and as you all adjust to the new situation but you will do it and come out the other end happier. I just know it from all the evidence of your strength and the way you have doggedly moved forward over the months.

Thank you, you lovely people, for your kind words.
I am so grateful to you all for your continued support. I really wouldn't have come so far without your support & encouragement, so I am not to be admired really, you lot are! It is only through the support I have received on here over the last couple of years that has kept me going & believing in myself a little.

Started packing today, which was very exhausting!

Seen my parents today. They had been for a meal at the golf club & were harping on about how great it was, and then they told H that they would take him there with them sometime when he doesn't have children.
I don't chuffin well want to go, but why do they invite H & not me?

Because they are birds of a feather, your parents and H, or peas from the same pod, Messy!

And believe me i am very on your behalf, too.
How very bloody insensitive.

I know it is trivial on the grand scale of things, but I'm getting a tad pissed off!

My counsellor thinks he is the son they never had & I am beginning to think she is right!

Yes -and your Dad fulfils a role for H, too.

You have a hell of a lot to cope with, Messy. When we are little, i think we think that grown-ups stop getting upset at things like this, but I don't think we ever do. That's why your counselor perhaps suggested Psychotherapy - think of it as osteopathy for your soul - and the burdern you carry - you would be at the osteopath's a lot, if it was real weight.

This is exactly the sort of thing thay have done all your life, really, isn't it? Not considered your feelings.

I actually find it hard to come to terms with the fact that my own upbringing could be that damaging, if that makes any sense?
I didn't really realise that it was anything out of the norm until I started my counselling sessions, and to be told I may need psychotherapy to deal with it all was kind of shocking.
My parents do have an amazing ability to put me down & upset me though, and I should be more hardened to it now.

and I stupidly asked the if I could stay on the Thursday night before my move, just so I could clear most of the house.
Mum is not sure whether I can & has not given me an answer yet.

Should say "Asked them" DS2 has done away with the M key!

You have it spot on, NJ! Mum has always had this thing where she keeps me hanging for a while before giving me an answer, which is why we chose to pay for a babysitter (years back) rather than ask her to babysit, because we couldn't wait until a couple of hours before the event to be given a definite yes or no!

I don't understand how they work, but I do feel that they think more of H than they do me, and I guess this is because he is more useful to them than me. At the end of the day, what do I do for them? Nothing, but fail at my marriage!

I just don't know, NJ. I am feeling horribly low right now.