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Original poster

Is it really a ****hole, or does she just not want us round?

104 replies

PollyGasson24 · 19/11/2017 20:18

I've always had the smallest house in the family, currently the inside living space is probably the same as dsis house, but her garden (which bil maintains) is much bigger. If I planned on having anyone round i would fit in a good tidy and clean around children (when young) and work, sometimes up til late to do so. I enjoy having family round, so the cousins can play together while young enough to still enjoy it.
Dsis never invites us (or anyone) round. Same number of kids, usually a couple of work free days in the week, yet says she can't get on top of the mess. Dm has offered to help a number of times, but gets turned down. She's not antisocial, disabled in any way or depressed, so I don't get it. Right now I feel like I don't want to invite them round anymore, as I cant see a good reason why it's not reciprocated, but the kids enjoy playing together. I've been to dsis house twice in about 20 years, once invited, the other out of necessity. I just don't understand it. Any ideas?

OP posts:
StoorieHoose · 19/11/2017 20:22

Maybe she just doesn’t want people in her personal space? I’m not keen on it either and never really invite people but I wouldn’t turn people away if they randomly turned up

DonkeyPunch88 · 19/11/2017 20:25

We don’t have people round ours, I just don’t like anyone other than a very small trusted few, in my personal space. Also the people we have had round before had kids who trashed our garden, jumped all over our furniture and generally took the piss. Why don’t you just ask her out right?

SirGawain · 19/11/2017 20:33

If she does not want to invite people round why should she. It’s her house.

Moanyoldcow · 19/11/2017 20:35

This is oddly pertinent to me today.

I can't keep on top of my housework. I just can't - that bit of me is missing - always has been.

Today I tidied my bedroom and did about 4 loads of washing. But there are still 6 other rooms needing attention. And then work comes around, house gets lives in and all the mess starts again.

It really depresses me. I'm embarrassed when people come over.

Original poster
PollyGasson24 · 19/11/2017 20:41

donkey i have asked. As stated in my OP, it's because it's a mess. She's seen my place in a mess before, so i dont understand het being so precious about it, if thats the case. She has plenty of time in the evening/weekend / one or two free weekdays to have a bit of a whip round. So it seems she's happy to go to others, without reciprocating at all. She doesn't have to, but it would seem polite to do so to me, thats what i don't get.

OP posts:
Original poster
PollyGasson24 · 19/11/2017 20:45

moany i get that too, it never ends, and the whole place is never tidy at the same time! Still, all she'd need to do is livimg room, kitchen, and one bathroom, which surely isnt impossible to keep relatively tidy for a day, when her kids are both at school!

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 19/11/2017 20:50

I’d always be wary of saying someone isn’t disabled or depressed as they might be but haven’t told you. In any event, she clearly doesn’t want people over whatever the reason is, so there’s not much you can do. If it’s really bothering you then stop inviting them. If you don’t want to stop inviting them over then I’m afraid you’re just going to have to get over it.

Apileofballyhoo · 19/11/2017 20:56

I find it hard to get on top of my very small house, and more so when I'm anxious or depressed - I can't even cope with starting then, and the futility of it also makes me not want to bother. I'd imagine there is more going on than you know. Also people only call unexpectedly if the host is a mess, never when it's tidy so what's the point.

Apileofballyhoo · 19/11/2017 20:57

House/host either/or... though I did mean house!

TammySwansonTwo · 19/11/2017 20:59

Are you sure she's not unwell?

I have ME and another couple of conditions and I really struggle too. I used to dread people coming by unannounced. Mostly now I have to keep on top of it because the twins are mobile, but it absolutely breaks me and I don't have a big house.

BeeFace · 19/11/2017 21:04

I hate having people round. My house is tidy and clean. And it’s my personal space. I’d rather meet up at someone else’s house or go for a coffee etc. But I hate hosting with a passion.

DancesWithOtters · 19/11/2017 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
PollyGasson24 · 19/11/2017 21:36

I'm as sure as I can be that there's not a medical reason ie depression/ME etc. She's always been very open about every little problem or ailment, even quite personal ones, so I'm practically 100% sure its not that. Which is why i dont get the 'its a mess' excuse. She has time, but apparently not the inclination, which I can understand. I do feel a bit odd that ive had them round when my place has been untidy but she wont do the same. I dont mind mess and she knows it.
Yes, completely her right not to have anyone round, but I'm a bit sad tbh that she doesn't want us (family!) round at all. We tidy up after ourselves, dont break stuff, arent rude...
To those who prefer not to host, I understand that too, but is that a blanket ban on family too? She doesn't automatically bring biscuits or anything, which would be nice if you have no intention of reciprocating with hosting, v nice of those who think of it Smile.

OP posts:
BrioAmio · 19/11/2017 21:38

I rarely invite people round to mine despite having a good size clean house, it’s my space

BeeFace · 19/11/2017 23:09

Pretty much. I had my sister round the other week for a coffee. For about an hour. That was enough.
I spend my time at work around other people, I have a particularly people-y job, at home it’s just me and DS, it’s my little sanctuary and I don’t want to share it.

UnicornRainbowPoo · 19/11/2017 23:41

You never really know what goes on behind closed doors even with family! I rarely had people round other than the children’s friends after school as my ex hated having my friends in the house he could be very nasty to me if he discovered that I had people round and was therefore in his view neglecting housekeeping or childcare. Of course when it came to his family and friends that was a completely different matter. I don’t have family in this country, and as a consequence of ex’s controlling behaviour I have very few friends but they are always welcome now messy house or not!

Original poster
PollyGasson24 · 20/11/2017 06:08

unicorn believe me, I'd know if her dh was like that. She's told me so many other personal things, she'd have no problem telling me that.

OP posts:
PurpleNurple69 · 20/11/2017 06:53

I hate having people in my house it’s as simple as that. My personal space and the only place I have that I can retreat to. I get antsy round too many people and need to know I can escape when I’m ready which is why I’d rather visit people than the other way round. Having people in my house makes me nervous!

PurpleNurple69 · 20/11/2017 06:57

And I wouldn’t take it personally Polly. For me at least it’s ALL visitors even my sister and her family who I adore and who I only see twice a year as they live 500miles away! They rent a house when they visit for the week and we always go there.

SandyY2K · 20/11/2017 09:27

Some people are poor hosts did thry avoid it altogether. Or they don't like spending...but are more than happy to visit others when invited.

I think it's most unusual to have just been to her place twice in 20 years.

My ex SIL was someone who faffed around abd it took her ages to do anything in the kitchen. I've no doubt that it worked have been my brother who instigated all the invitations to their house.

In this case she was also somewhat intimidated that my sister and I just get on with things when hosting.

I have a friend who asks was always happy to come over...but never returned the favour.
It was through a lack of confidence and being tightfisted in her case...because she was very sociable and extrovert. Being with people wasn't her problem.

Maybe next time suggest meeting her and all the kids in a neutral place..like a play centre or bowling.

Lozmatoz · 20/11/2017 09:30

Why don’t you ask her?

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 20/11/2017 09:31

I tell people they can't come round because it's a mess, when actually, I just don't want people in my personal space.

So it probably isn't a mess, she probably just doesn't want you there, and that's nothing personal against you.

(The reason I say it's a mess is because people take it personally when you say you don't want them in your space.)

Moltenpink · 20/11/2017 09:34

My house is fairly messy. I don’t invite people round who can’t understand why it’s messy.

PhilODox · 20/11/2017 09:35

Why are you blaming her instead of her husband whose house it is equally? Maybe she's decided to take a stand and refuse to clean until he also does an equal share?? (Unless he is incapacitated in some way?

misscph1973 · 20/11/2017 09:55

Sorry to say this, but I think that's very British! I have lived here most of my adult life, and I very rarely get invited to my SILs house. I don't think she's ever made me a cup of tea! She's better now she remarried, but still.

When British people say "You should come to dinner one day" it means "You will never set foot in my house".

I don't get it, but for a lot of of British people, their home is very personal and intimate and they don't like other people entering it.