Is it really a ****hole, or does she just not want us round?

[PollyGasson24]

I've always had the smallest house in the family, currently the inside living space is probably the same as dsis house, but her garden (which bil maintains) is much bigger. If I planned on having anyone round i would fit in a good tidy and clean around children (when young) and work, sometimes up til late to do so. I enjoy having family round, so the cousins can play together while young enough to still enjoy it.
Dsis never invites us (or anyone) round. Same number of kids, usually a couple of work free days in the week, yet says she can't get on top of the mess. Dm has offered to help a number of times, but gets turned down. She's not antisocial, disabled in any way or depressed, so I don't get it. Right now I feel like I don't want to invite them round anymore, as I cant see a good reason why it's not reciprocated, but the kids enjoy playing together. I've been to dsis house twice in about 20 years, once invited, the other out of necessity. I just don't understand it. Any ideas?

phil ah yes, the old 'why don't you also blame her husband' line .
Her dh is at work much more than she is, so I wouldn't except him to do as much tidying, and he doesn't come round to mine whereas she does. I also rarely see him to speak to. I would, of course, expect him to share chores when they're both at home, but it's none of my business how they arrange the running of their household.

My house is clean and tidy, I don't like visitors so would probably fob them off with a "it's a bit of a mess" excuse tbh. Your sister might be in a bit of a mess or she might just not want anyone round. I don't think you should give invites conditionally tbh so if you only invite her to yours because you expect her to reciprocate then stop inviting her if not be a listening ear and she might confide in you why she doesn't want visitors.

So it's "none of your business"?
But still her fault?

Actually flesh, I have asked her before, she told me it was because it was messy. She goes on about that as if its a problem, but she's been to mine when it's been messy, and I don't get how she (and dh) can't get on top of it a bit (for her own peace of mind if nothing else), given the time she has available and the offers of help from dm. I certainly don't invite them round with the expectation of a reciprocal offer every time (or they would have only been round twice), I just find it a bit sad that for whatever reason she doesn't want us round but is quite happy to come round to ours in all states, and uses the messy excuse. If it bothered her that much surely she'd make an effort to get on top of it. I know she doesn't, because she's told me she can't be bothered. So on the one hand she's saying it bothers her, but then it can't that much because nothing changes. So is it just an excuse? (which is what I was asking...)

What have I actually said is her fault phil? You have deliberately (or mistakenly) misunderstood what I said. I don't blame her for anything, I was wondering why things are the way they are. Don't try to take your argument any further down that path, you're obviously trying to be goady by telling me (incorrectly) what I think.

The thing is though, surely the "it's a mess" thing doesn't matter with your own sister? Me and my sister couldn't care less about how messy each others house is.

I didn't post to argue with you- I was trying to give you a different perspective.
Perhaps she (both of them!!) could get on top of the mess but would rather spend their precious time doing other, more edifying or enjoyable things?
Maybe she feels you/DM would judge her?

Perhaps she really struggles to keep on top of stuff, perhaps her threshold for what she considers a mess is different to yours. My dd would consider her house closed to visitors if she had a cup in the sink and she hadn't hoovered in the last four hours because she couldn't stand anyone seeing it less than perfect. My ds would have visitors anytime because he thinks that they come to see him and not to check that he has made his bed. Different people and priorities I suppose.
I can understand how it is tough to keep on top of things,when I had five dc at home,worked part time and had lots of other demands on my time I often felt like I was fighting a losing battle and it's harder to gain ground when things slip. Nowadays because it's clean and tidy already in a couple of hours I can have the place (large four bed) gleaming. Whereas two hours back then would hardly have made a dent in it all.

Actually, is there a possibility her husband doesn't want you round? Why don't you ever see him?
Just wondering

I am not messy, but I don’t host that much. I prefer to socialise elsewhere. My house is more of a sanctuary and private space. Happy to bring things to peoples houses. Until recently we’ve been in a slightly unfinished place too. That doesn’t stop people, but it’s just how I relate to personal space.

I don't like ppl in my personal space it drives me mad, I also don't invite ppl and their kids over as it usually consists of my house getting trashed, then my son, dh and me having to clean the mess up. Dh also doesn't like it. On that Note i don't expect to be invited over friends and usually arrange a place to meet up.
I'm jst not a entertainer my home is my family's home and our space
And FYI I'm forever doing house work even though nobody visits lol

Personally, I hate having people over. I am that person who never invites anyone around, though I do happily make plans to meet out in public places, the pub for lunch, the park, the beach, wherever, as I don't like to burden anyone else with the expectation to always host.

In part, it has to do with the physical work of sorting the house out. My dh and I work full-time but non-traditional hours, so 9-3 or 9-5, depending on who is doing the school run, plus we often work in the evening after our dd goes to bed at 8 or a few hours on the weekends. At certain parts of the year, it can be 6-6 on Saturday and Sunday, plus full-time during the week and pretty much like that for 3-4 weeks without a day off. So in our case a lot of the time, it is just being busy.

But for me, it's also just stressful. I have OCD and I hate people in my space. It's generally very manageable for me and day to day it doesn't really bother me. But people coming over really triggers it and it means I need to do a lot of extra cleaning, both before and after (I'm really stressed about people using my bathrooms, for instance, I just hate). Now that isn't a reason to never have people over and we do, but not as often as we might otherwise because it's just too stressful and exhausting for me. I wouldn't be too certain is isn't something like this. I'm super open about lots of things and I've said exactly what she's said, 'it's too much mess, let's just meet for lunch somewhere.' Because oddly this is one of those things that's really personal and I'm not sure I've ever actually talked to anyone about it besides my dh because it seems really crazy to not be able to cope with your friends using your toilet.

But anyway, I don't think you can be too upset. Her house, her choice. Could you not meet up somewhere in the middle so neither of you has to always be the one to host?

I'm bemused by people saying their own house is their private space and sanctuary but are happy to go to other people's houses. Talk about been a CF!

@deemail that’s because I am able to appreciate that some other people like having guests, despite me having a different opinion. It would be cheeky if me to expect to be hosted. If I am invited, I don’t think it’s being cheeky to accept.

Everyone is different some ppl like to entertain some ppl don't some ppl prefer to get out of their house while others prefer to stay at home and have others come to them. I'm far to house proud and cringe at the thought, I jst can't settle so dnt see the point.
In the Past Iv had a ornament smashed, biscuits crushed into my carpet, central heating dial pulled off, hand prints on my wall, I jut can't stand it.
Some parents also never know when to go home.
When I used to go to others I'd always clean up after us. Sometimes cleaning to a point I might cause offence.
But it all stopped
Now I don't visit others and nobody visits me, we meet up in a social setting and part from there it's much easier and more convenient.

I hate having people in my personal space, whether it is messy or tidy. I don’t like it when people do things that my family don’t do. It stresses me out. It doesn’t make me a nasty person though. It just means I find it stressful.

@reetgood I can understand people not liking hosting but it's rude and entitled when people consider their own home a private sanctuary but don't extend that same courtesy to the homes of their family's and friends. Meet in a public place if homes are personal but don't have one rule for yourself and then take advantage of other people's good will.

You’ve said a few times now OP that you don’t understand how she can’t get on top of the mess when she has so much free time. It’s making you sound judgmental. That could easily be part of the reason why she doesn’t want you to come over. Maybe she thinks you’ll judge her.

@deemail but other people don’t think of their homes in the same way as me! Why should I expect them to abide by my behaviours. I have friends who love to have people round, and it’s easier for them as don’t have to organise a sitter etc. Politeness is applying consideration to people’s situations. They also don’t drive where I do. It’s much more of a bother for them to arrange a sitter and taxi then it is for me to just drive over to theirs. The family are often hosted at my parents house because they have the biggest, most comfortable house. I say host, we gather at theirs and bring stuff. Very cheeky of us

I’m not a dropper-inner either nor do I invite myself to peoples homes. I wait to be invited. I don’t think that makes me a CF, quite the opposite!

OP, you say you "know" it's because it's messy because you've asked, but if you'd have read my last post instead of completely ignoring it, you'd see that I always say people can't come round because it's messy when the real reason is that it's my own personal space and I don't want anyone else in it.

what to do, sorry you didnt get your own personal response and felt ignored. I haven't personally replied to everyone else either and they managed not to come back with a sarcastic response. Good for you.

phil i really don't think its anything to do with dh as he's not around at the times in question (why we dont see him much) and is quite laid back. We have got on fine when we do see him. Maybe I'm wrong tho. And I don't expect dsis to judge my mess, so don't know why she would think I'd judge hers. I haven't spoken to her past noting we haven't been to hers in ages. As fucksake said, i didn't think it would matter as much between family members.

Its not that i particularly enjoy hosting either, i do it because the kids enjoy playing together and is cheaper and more convenient than going to a playplace. I can understand someone not wanting to host others, but didn't get ' messy' as a valid excuse in this circumstance. Esp when she seems to hate the mess, but apparently doesn't do much about it. Maybe im wrong, thats just what I've been told.

angel maybe that does make me sound judgey. As stated tho, she's seen my mess so why would she think I'd judge hers? Which i haven't. She used the same excuse up to a year ago, before she had a job (dc at school) and has no physical or mental disabilities, so you can possibly see why i question it as a reason.
Thx to others who suggested alternative reasons.

So I see you're still ignoring my point then. Perhaps it seems a little too close to home.

what i haven't ignored your response at all, just above i have said thanks for the alternative reasons . You obv want personal validation though, so thanks for your response, I can see why you wouldn't want ppl in your personal space . How is it a little too close to home? If thats her reason, fine, I just didnt understand how 'its too messy' was a possible reason, which is why I asked. Don't get how that's difficult to understand.