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Original poster

Is it really a ****hole, or does she just not want us round?

104 replies

PollyGasson24 · 19/11/2017 20:18

I've always had the smallest house in the family, currently the inside living space is probably the same as dsis house, but her garden (which bil maintains) is much bigger. If I planned on having anyone round i would fit in a good tidy and clean around children (when young) and work, sometimes up til late to do so. I enjoy having family round, so the cousins can play together while young enough to still enjoy it.
Dsis never invites us (or anyone) round. Same number of kids, usually a couple of work free days in the week, yet says she can't get on top of the mess. Dm has offered to help a number of times, but gets turned down. She's not antisocial, disabled in any way or depressed, so I don't get it. Right now I feel like I don't want to invite them round anymore, as I cant see a good reason why it's not reciprocated, but the kids enjoy playing together. I've been to dsis house twice in about 20 years, once invited, the other out of necessity. I just don't understand it. Any ideas?

OP posts:
WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 20/11/2017 20:52

It's not about personal responses, it's about the fact that you're using her response about it being messy to your question as though it's fact, when it probably isn't and she just doesn't want to offend you.

Winterhotchocolate · 20/11/2017 21:02

You come across as though you think you are entitled to enter her home and she’s unreasonable for not letting you. You’re not entitled to visit her home unless she wants you to. It’s her home and her choice. I get that it’s annoying for you to always be supplying snacks or cleaning up after play dates. But If u don’t want to host all the time you’ll have to arrange meet out at parks playgyms etc.

Original poster
PollyGasson24 · 20/11/2017 21:12

I get that it’s annoying for you to always be supplying snacks or cleaning up after play dates
I have never said thats the reason at all. Far from it. I hope to be taken as i am, i was wondering why she doesn't feel the same, especially with family members. And in response to the judgey comment, that may be true, but she doesn't invite anyone round - does this mean she feels judged by absolutely everyone? Or maybe its a different reason completely, in which case why not say so? (partly rhetorical, given that a pp has said its less personal to blame mess)

OP posts:
WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 20/11/2017 21:15

Or maybe its a different reason completely, in which case why not say so?

Probably because you'd judge her, as you are already doing.

BeeFace · 20/11/2017 21:18

Because maybe she doesn’t want to. Thing is you don’t have to and might never understand the inner reasons why she doesn’t have you round, you just need to accept her decision.

Original poster
PollyGasson24 · 20/11/2017 22:37

bee, i have accepted that reason, for many many years, and never given her a hard time about it, so its hard to see how some posters are accusing me of being judgey about it (not you). I was posting for opinions on why she gives the messy excuse, when if she was bothered about mess, she's had plenty of opportunity to do something about it, so i doubted that could be the whole story. She's always been very open about health problems etc so i doubt its anything like that.
From replies here I think I'm just a bit sad that she doesn't appear to value her kids, friends or family enough to make the same effort most ppl do to enable get togethers (her kids have never had friends round) when we have never judged her on her supposedly messy house, and have in fact had her round when we've been messy. Her decision completely, if that makes me a judgemental cowbag so be it. Having said that, she can be quick to take umbrage where none is intended (or seen by anyone else), so maybe that's part of it. Im just trying to understand.

OP posts:
reetgood · 20/11/2017 22:40

I value my friends and family. I just don’t host much at ours. People demonstrate value differently!

BeeFace · 20/11/2017 22:54

I value my friends and family. I value the relationships my DS has with them. I also value the sanctuary of my home and prefer to keep it to just the two of us.

You’ve had multiple posters give multiple reasons as to why she is using the messy ‘excuse’ but you’re either just not getting it or choosing not to get it. She’s saying it because she is, end of.

Original poster
PollyGasson24 · 20/11/2017 22:59

reetgood fair enough. Dsis doesn't host at all tho Grin

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 20/11/2017 23:06

People on here are so odd, fancy not wanting people in your house!

But I suppose if they found socialising easy they may not be online.

Original poster
PollyGasson24 · 20/11/2017 23:08

Erm, I'm online, and have ppl round. Don't do much socialising at this time since having kids though Grin

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 20/11/2017 23:10

I think it’s very odd OP, I don’t really understand people who can’t get on top of cleaning, or socialising for that matter. I’m guessing she has insecurities and issues she hasn’t communicated. It’s a great shame her kids can’t have friends round, but sadly there’s nothing you can do.

Does she at least invite you out to restaurants to repay your hospitality?

TatianaLarina · 20/11/2017 23:11

Well quite, so am I. We’re not all weird introverts on here Grin

Original poster
PollyGasson24 · 20/11/2017 23:17

Not really tatiana. Over the past few years we've been to eat out at child friendly places for family birthdays and stuff, but that's pretty much always suggested by me/dh. Heard about them doing the same for their birthdays, but just as a nuclear family ie not inviting anyone else. Doesn't cost anymore or less, it's been at exactly the same restaurant, kids entertain each other when they're together and vv rarely argue.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 20/11/2017 23:25

It’s a bit off for a family member to take hospitality and not reciprocate at all.

But it sounds like it’s not specifically about her house then, just that she finds it hard being around other people.

Original poster
PollyGasson24 · 20/11/2017 23:32

But she doesn't find it hard being around other ppl. She has a bunch of friends she sees out, or at their place, and regularly attends hobby events, as well as being in a customer faced job which she enjoys! That's why I don't get the house thing.
Anyway, as pp say, I'll just accept it as I have for many years. Talking about it has now made me think it's a bit lazy and/or selfish tho, as there's no apparent good reason for not reciprocating Grin

OP posts:
WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 20/11/2017 23:49

But she doesn't find it hard being around other ppl. She has a bunch of friends she sees out, or at their place, and regularly attends hobby events, as well as being in a customer faced job which she enjoys!

I'm in a customer facing job which I enjoy, and I also regularly go out with friends.

I still find it hard being around people.

Original poster
PollyGasson24 · 21/11/2017 00:00

Ok what, so do you find it hard being around your family? We (the lot of us) don't fight / do stuff the others think is out of order in any way/ get on well together etc. My point here is that if you're going to use the argument that she finds it hard being around ppl, why/how can she choose to regular socialise with others in any area other than her own home? It doesn't scan.

OP posts:
WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 21/11/2017 00:17

PollyGasson24 Yes, it does "scan".

I get on with my family too; we all love each other very much, we never fight etc.

I still find it hard being around people (and yes, that includes family and friends), and especially so in my own home; I don't like people in my own space. Therefore, I regularly socialise away from it.

Original poster
PollyGasson24 · 21/11/2017 00:24

You’ve had multiple posters give multiple reasons as to why she is using the messy ‘excuse’ but you’re either just not getting it or choosing not to get it. She’s saying it because she is, end of.
Yes, and some of those reasons are not applicable. Some are possible, each to their own.
I still feel that having been brought up to return favours and give as much as I am given, it seems impolite (if nothing else) not to make any effort at all with ppl who have often made an effort for you/your kids, given that there is no physical reason behind it. My parents would know if there was a medical problem, or if there was a problem with the house that she was ashamed of, as they regularly pick up her dc from school and drop them round hers. Despite the fact that she could pick them up from theirs, they go out of their way to do so, yet don't get invited in. So I guess the inside could be a hoarders shit hole or something actually.
So it seems down to personality. Fine. I have accepted that, as previously stated. I can still find it rude that she is happy to accept everyone else's hospitality and help without offering any herself though, which is the conclusion i have drawn from thinking through this thread. I am entitled to my opinions just as much as she is. Difference being that my opinion has not affected her/dc in any way apart from beneficially (as I host and dont get on her case at all about not reciprocating), whereas hers affects ppl negatively.

OP posts:
Original poster
PollyGasson24 · 21/11/2017 00:26

Ok what, maybe she is just like you in that respect, and doesn't feel the need to make an effort in that area.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 21/11/2017 00:31

I think it’s a bit off not to reciprocate hospitality at all - even if she didn’t take you out to a restaurant she could do something generous for your kids instead.

I would be embarrassed to take hospitality from my sis and give nothing in return.

So she likes going out with her friends, but I wonder if, like you they do all the entertaining. You say she goes over to theirs, does she invite them back? Perhaps the friends are the ones organising restaurant trips and inviting her. Otherwise it’s quite rude to you that she can do it for them.

If it were me I’d take a bit of a step back and not make such an effort.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 21/11/2017 00:34

Ok what, maybe she is just like you in that respect, and doesn't feel the need to make an effort in that area.

It's not a "lack of effort"; don't be so rude.

hmmmmm · 21/11/2017 00:40

So your dsis has actually told you not to come round?

My dsis never invites me to hers as she knows I just go when i can. She doesn't drive so it's easier for me to visit as we live 45 mins away. I tend to meet up at dm's.

I would try not to dwell on it if I were you. Do you like her company? Does she make excuses not to see you? If not then it may just have to be something you accept?

TatianaLarina · 21/11/2017 00:40

She’s not being rude. It is lack of effort on the part of the sister. Maybe not on your part.

It’s absolutely extraordinary OP that your parents give her kids lifts and she never invites them in. My mother would have something to say about that!