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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH just threatened divorce

116 replies

BridgetDoodle · 12/11/2017 16:48

Hi. Just hoping for a bit of support/hope. Been with my DH for nearly 8 years, nearly married 2 years and have 8 month old DD. Moved into our first house 5 months ago. Generally we were doing very well. I am still on maternity and BF.
He has always been a bit lazy, never really completes a task and I feel like I am responsible for every single thing in the house. I acknowledge I have been nagging him but today he lost his temper and threatened to leave, said he's not going to change and won't be listening to me for the next 50 years. I saw red, took the baby and drove to my parents but actually turned around and went back home, called him and made him come back.
I am heart broken and feel like now he has said this it can't be taken back. I don't know how to go forward. He said he said it to make me listen but no how angry I got I would never have said that to him. Anyone any advice on how to get over it and move forward? TIA

OP posts:
WankbadgeringTurdblossom · 12/11/2017 16:52

Well, to be fair, I wouldn't want to spend the next 50 years with someone who nagged me all the time, either.

HerOtherHalf · 12/11/2017 16:52

He said he said it to make me listen

He said it to make you shut up and do what he wants.

WankbadgeringTurdblossom · 12/11/2017 16:53

What sort of things are you nagging him about? Do you have differing standards of cleanliness/tidyness/whatever?

AstridWhite · 12/11/2017 16:56

'He said he said it to make me listen.'

He said it to make you shut up and do what he wants.

It could be both those things. I doesn't automatically make him in the wrong though. Making comments like that is not helpful at this stage, when we don't know the people, the background or the extent of the problem.

Original poster
BridgetDoodle · 12/11/2017 16:56

I acknowledge my part in it and will try to stop. He likes having a lovely clean home but if anything increases my work load to keep it that way. It is how do we find a way to move past what he said

OP posts:
JigglyTuff · 12/11/2017 16:59

He likes a lovely clean house? What does he do to make that happen?

Original poster
BridgetDoodle · 12/11/2017 16:59

Yes we definitely do have differing standards of cleanliness and tidiness. I wouldn't say I have particularly high standards, but he does. I love him and our wee family. I do not want to cause him any unhappiness, I will change my behaviour to make it work but I feel like something has changed now

OP posts:
haba · 12/11/2017 17:01

If he likes it clean and tidy, he has had all weekend to clean and tidy it. How is it your problem?
You're on maternity leave, not skivvy leave. Your job is raising your baby.

MissConductUS · 12/11/2017 17:01

Having an 8 month old is going to fray nerves in any household. I don't know what if anything you can do about him not helping enough around the house, but it sounds like you could use better conflict resolution and communication skills. Scroll down to point 4 in this article, for example:

Marriage Rescue Plan

When you both are calm, make a list of what needs to be done and discuss who is best responsible for it. That may help him take ownership of what he needs to do.

If things have gone to the point of one person threatening to leave, you need to find some couples counseling. I think lots of couples have gotten to that point and then gotten things back on track with the right help. Focus on what both of you say and do going forward.

Sorry you're in this state. It will get easier as the baby gets older.

Bea1985 · 12/11/2017 17:01

He has always been a bit lazy, never really completes a task and I feel like I am responsible for every single thing in the house.

My husband is like this ....I nag him and have to stand over him to get him to complete tasks. It can be like having another child. However, I don't know how lazy your husband is/whether he does other jobs/whether you have unrealistic standards.

If it genuinely is him sat watching tele leaving a trail of mess behind him and being an unreasonable dick then I'd stop nagging - it only makes them act like like Harry Enfield character Kevin - and have a stern sit down talk about how this has to change. I did this with my DH, advised how his laziness makes me view him (a lazy, childish slob) and that I do not enjoy nagging and don't want to. We agree do certain tasks that he and I would each be responsible for, he agreed to do his bit and I agreed not to nag unless he shirked his tasks. It did help.

Original poster
BridgetDoodle · 12/11/2017 17:02

Jiggly he will do something if I ask him to, but complete about 80% of it. Example if I ask him to clean he will make an attempt and then leave one room and all cleaning products out. Or if I ask him to make dinner, he will make a meal but leave the kitchen in a mess

OP posts:
ShiftyMcGifty · 12/11/2017 17:02

Tell him you heard him and you won't be with someone who threatens you with divorce every time you disagree with his highness for the next 50 years.

Suggest he makes up his mind now. You'd rather his child never remember him living at home with mummy if he can't commit to the next 20 years.

magoria · 12/11/2017 17:04

Ahh he likes a lovely clean house but it is your job to keep it clean and his not to help?

Do you want to spend the next 50 years cleaning up after him? You have a child now.

Bluntness100 · 12/11/2017 17:05

I don’t understand what were you nagging about? You say he’s the one that wants it clean, you’re not so fussed, so you’d think he’d be the nagger if he wanted it clean, but it’s you nagging and he’s saying he won’t change, so what were you nagging about that he won’t do?

cherrycola2004 · 12/11/2017 17:05

He likes a really clean home fine he can clean it. If you’re messy though won’t hurt to tidy up after yourself. Compromise.

OuchBollocks · 12/11/2017 17:05

There would be far less 'nagging' if people did what was reasonably asked of them in a timely fashion. 'Nagging' is such a misogynistic concept, the term is used to belittle women and shut them up.

OP this prince among men has literally told you who he is. Listen to him. He wants a clean house cleaned by you and he will not lift a finger. He has explicitly said this. What will you do? Your options are to accept this or leave. Simple as that. He's told you he isn't changing.

Bea1985 · 12/11/2017 17:06

RE threatening divorce....I'd probably just get over that. He was being a petulant child and throwing toys out the pram. I've said MUCH worse to my DH over the years! Ask him to apologise and if he says he didn't mean it, and says sorry, I'd drop it tbh.

KarmaNoMore · 12/11/2017 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BridgetDoodle · 12/11/2017 17:06

missconduct thank you for your reply. I agree with you, DD was up from 2.30 till 4.30 last night so probably added to the stress. There is no way he would agree to counselling unfortunately

OP posts:
CauliflowerSqueeze · 12/11/2017 17:08

Why not say how you really appreciate the fact he does 80% of a job, and suggest that you pay jointly for a cleaner to complete what he doesn’t.

SaturnUranus · 12/11/2017 17:09

I will change my behaviour to make it work"

And what will he be changing?

If the answer is "nothing" then the resentment is going to kick in very quickly.

ivykaty44 · 12/11/2017 17:10

I would suggest then you both sit down and write what’s most important to you and how you achieve that particular task

Him clean house, how does he achieve it
He cleans he hires a cleaner
He does a few tasks each day

You not wanting to nag
How do you stop?
Keep quiet
What is it you nag about?

Original poster
BridgetDoodle · 12/11/2017 17:11

bluntness sorry maybe I didn't make myself clear. We both like a clean home, I do the cleaning and if I give off to him about something/nag, he says my standards are too high. I disagree on that point, my mother was a tyrant about cleanliness in my home growing up so I feel like I am very relaxed compared to her!

OP posts:
Original poster
BridgetDoodle · 12/11/2017 17:12

Bea do you think I'll be able to move on from that comment with just some time? I feel like he stuck a knife in my heart by saying he would leave

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 12/11/2017 17:15

He sounds like a prince among men OP; I'd be zipping my lip and working my fingers to the bone to have that house like a new pin for him.

Oh no wait, sorry....