DH just threatened divorce

[BridgetDoodle]

Hi. Just hoping for a bit of support/hope. Been with my DH for nearly 8 years, nearly married 2 years and have 8 month old DD. Moved into our first house 5 months ago. Generally we were doing very well. I am still on maternity and BF.
He has always been a bit lazy, never really completes a task and I feel like I am responsible for every single thing in the house. I acknowledge I have been nagging him but today he lost his temper and threatened to leave, said he's not going to change and won't be listening to me for the next 50 years. I saw red, took the baby and drove to my parents but actually turned around and went back home, called him and made him come back.
I am heart broken and feel like now he has said this it can't be taken back. I don't know how to go forward. He said he said it to make me listen but no how angry I got I would never have said that to him. Anyone any advice on how to get over it and move forward? TIA

Unfortunately there is something about being on maternity leave that brings out the misogyny. You are on call 24/7 & working a lot of that time.
He doesn't count the work you do when he is sleeping, as he can't see it and he doesn't count the work you do at work, as he can't see it. Therefore, you are doing no work and taking him for a mug; it's digustingly misogynistic and this is how our whole society views the unpaid caring work that (predominantly) women do.
Go back to work after mat leave & hire a nanny & a cleaner, i think this is the only way you will be an equal partner in your husband's eyes

Or he becomes sahp.

There are a lot of odd posts on this thread
I would say, the fact he threatens divorce is not the red flag.
The fact he threatened it and then said he wasn't doing any more when you do the lions share in the sand argument is the problem.
And the ironing is just DISRESPECTFUL

imagine you worked with him...he wrote a whole report for you that was important for your work and then you shoved it in a bin or a cupboard and it was unusable, do you think he would find that disrespectful??? I imagine most people would be astounded if someone did something like that.

I think this is also true, my DD is EBF which means I have been doing all the night wakes etc and I don't think he truly understands just how hard some days are. I am a professional in a medical field and I can honestly say a day of back to back consults and surgery is easier than a grumpy day at home.
He is behaving as normal now, we haven't talked through anything as of yet. I still feel too emotional about it so going to wait until tomorrow and hopefully I'll be more eloquent.
I will be making it very clear that I can not and will not live under this 'threat', if he uses it again there will be ramifications. Going back to work in January so maybe we will gain back more of an equilibrium.
Please do not think I am weak for not throwing him out. I love him and I am not one to give up at our first hurdle, especially now I have a child to consider. Thank you all for responding x

Women are very vulnerable in pregnancy and with young children, and sadly changing behaviour to keep their partner is very common. But sets up the next 50 years.

I would feel like saying, 'love, if you don't want to be doing ALL your own chores in 50 years time, and want me to still want to be with you for the next 10, then you better start doing more than 5%.'

That blog post 'my wife left me because I left a glass by the sink' is literally everything I've been feeling and trying to tell him. He just doesn't see those small things as a big deal and thinks I'm the irrational one for getting worked up over it

You need to find your mutual ground here. Part of both of what you do & say would drive many up the wall

That blog post 'my wife left me because I left a glass by the sink' is literally everything I've been feeling and trying to tell him. He just doesn't see those small things as a big deal and thinks I'm the irrational one for getting worked up over it

I thought it was great too. Share it with your husband when you can discuss it calmly. And he doesn't have to agree with your perspective, just respect it. Post it over the sink if you have to.

And you are right not to give up at the first difficulty. It's easy for others who have no stake in your relationship to throw stones. You seem perfectly capable of making your own decisions in regards to your marriage.

Thank you missconductus I will speak to him tomorrow and send him the link to that blog. Hopefully it will be just what he needs to see my perspective, as you said he doesn't need to agree but at least respect it.

i will do all his ironing and then find it all still in a pile or shoved into the wardrobe wasting my efforts

You see, there are definite examples here that allow you to ease off on what you do because it's something that affects him, not you. Stop doing any ironing for him. Don't say anything, just stop doing it. Leave the clean clothes in a pile and let him take it from there however he wants. The clothes and shoes left by the door I'd shove in a bin bag and put away somewhere. He can learn that if he never puts stuff away, it will be strangely hard for him to find it again. You don't have to take all the consequences of his laziness.

Don't say anything, just stop doing it. Leave the clean clothes in a pile

I've never had to do this with DH, but I have had an industrial action or two with the kids, and it got the message across.

Bridget, you will work through this, I am certain. Good luck and please let us know how it goes.

Stop doing things for him op. No washing, ironing, sorting or anything. No point ironing if he throws it in the wardrobe!

My DH said something similar about 17 years ago. DD was a baby and I was on mat leave. He came home from and I wasn't dressed ... kitchen was a bit messy... and he said he couldn't live like this for thr next 18 years.

I told him it was hard work with a baby and I just hadn't got round to doing much that day. I said she wouldn't be a baby forever...so his next 18 year comment was irrelevant.

I'm kind of feisty by nature and said he was welcome to leave if he wanted.

He had no idea what looking after a baby involved.

I'm well past it now. Things are said in the heat of the moment.

I suggest you stop picking up after him. You're not a maid.
At the very least... people can clean their own mess.

You are not nagging. That is a bullshit misogynistic term only ever applied to women, generally when due to carrying the entire mental load they are desperately trying to get their DH/OH to contribute to the domestic situation in some way.

This is exactly what I was thinking but didn't know how to word it. Men call us nags to shut us down. Well off they should fuck back to their mothers then.

Sorry OP, you've managed to draw out a few misogynists with your thread.

The problem is not your nagging, the problem is his laziness. Clearly he doesn't have a concept of how hard it is to take care of a baby all day and thinks he's working harder than you. He needs to get it. Has he had the baby alone all day ever? He needs to experience it to understand.

In the beginning when our twins were born, my husband was all "Just ask me if you need help" - took me a while to get him to understand that he's an adult and shouldn't need me telling him what needs to be done, he can see just as well as I can, and I'm not being in a situation where if I didn't ask for "help" (grr) he'd do nothing.

Things were then much better but until very recently (13 months old) there were still crucial everyday tasks for the babies he'd never done and I had no faith that he would know how if he had to do them. This was driving me mad. In the end I told him that it was unfair to put the entire responsibility of two babies on me, and I needed to know that he could do everything I do if anything happened to me or I was sick. He gets it and is now working on those things.

I wouldn't worry about him throwing that word around, I'd worry about how you're going to communicate to him that he needs to change or you'll be the one who can no longer put up with it. Lazy bastard.

“If I ask him to clean”

“If I ask him to make dinner”

It’s not your job to micromanage the entire household. Work out responsibilities, draw up a rota together and use for a month or so to get him back in the habit of doing things without being asked and then ditch it and he can function for himself.

You’ve got yourself and a baby to manage, You don’t need to be managing him too.

Why not arrange a (long) day out with some friends and leave him and the baby for the day.

Bet he’s singing a different song after that.

Isn't this why a of couples now share the maternity leave under the new law particularly after about 6 months when the baby is taking some solids? Why not suggest he does the last month or two at home?

Stop nagging or I'll divorce you

is just one of many ways of training you to shut up and get on with it. They do it particularly when you are vulnerable [pregnant or during maternity leave] as you rely on them for income during this period.

But you love him so that's fine. Of course if he loved you that much you would find he would pull his weight at home and ensure that he did half the work involved in the house but that's never a popular viewpoint.

Haba - read it again - it's quite clever - it's I'll Alter Him!!! -

What he’s doing is shifting the balance of power. He knows you’re so terrified of divorce that you’ll do anything from now on, you’ll change. I’m not saying he’s an abuser but it is a classic abuse technique to keep people in line. My best friend’s partner did this and actually kicked her out at one point and then for years she was so nervous he’d break up with her that she eventually didn’t question any of his behaviour (including cheating in the end). I really hope you head this comment so if that happens you can realise how he’s manipulated you. If that’s the case. The reason I think this is because if he doesn’t like cleaning there’s no way he’s going to leave you ! Who’s going to cook his dinner, wash his clothes etc? What reason would he leave you even if he hated you?!
I also agree that ‘nagging’ isn’t a thing. If he asks you to help him do something you’d do it right? If he had to ask you again (assuming it’s not an unfair ask) presumably you’d be pretty upset you didn’t do it when he’d asked you wouldn’t think he was ‘nagging’ right?

Also if he loved you he wouldn’t expect you to do everything. It’s so disrespectful to expect someone to clean up after you.

He’s a grown adult, he should realise when things need doing and do them. You might look after the baby and household whilst he’s at work, but as soon as he’s home it should be 50/50

OP what job do you do - are you a doctor?

You really need to sort this out before you go back to work. It will become even more unforgivable once you’re working again. If you can’t get through to him, the resentment over his dreadful behaviour will destroy the relationship in the long run. (There are many many women on here who can attest to that).

You must tell him you will not put up with a freeloading lazy manchild who has to be asked to do adult tasks and then whines about it. If he doesn’t change, he’s right the marriage is over.

Mary- it doesn't look clever when it's spelt incorrectly pun, or not.